by Kim Nash
‘Why don’t people with dogs think that they have to pick up their dog mess? Dirty buggers! It’s disgusting and if someone with a wheelchair drives through it, it’s just going to get everywhere and could even get back into your house when you get home.’
‘I used to get upset about it too, but I’ve now discovered that there’s no good that comes from it. The only person that gets annoyed is you. Do you think that the person whose car it is cares and spends the day being wound up? Do you think the person whose dog just shat on the pavement cares about my wheelchair? We just have to realise that people are so busy wrapped up in their own lives that they don’t think. It’s not deliberate. So it’s best to just let it go.’ He was talking such sense. It was a lovely way to look at it, much better than getting all annoyed and tense about things.
‘Tell me what you can see Maddy; humour me and be my eyes.’
I pointed out every little detail of the apartment complex and noticed things that I’d never even seen myself before. From the mixture of beige coloured and red bricks, and grey slate roof tiles of the buildings we were passing, with their grey aluminium window frames, to the green, short grass and the bright yellow of the wild dazzling daffodils and vibrant multi-coloured tulips, which brightened up the hedgerows. And as I described things to him, it was as if all my other senses were coming alive too.
Along the waterfront, the lake which I’d always seen as murky, was actually clear in parts and there were radiant water lilies at the lake’s edge, with pretty pale pink flowers – although there was also the odd carrier bag, a bicycle wheel and some other debris that I didn’t bother going into detail on for fear of shocking him, and didn’t want to look too closely at myself, to be honest.
I described the shapes that I could see in the clouds in the sky and we laughed easily as I told Stuart how my mum always used to take the mickey out of me because I used to see animals in the clouds as a child and she never could. I always said she needed to have a much better imagination. She always said that mine was way too over-active.
I smiled as I saw a mother duck with seven little babies following in her wake, describing how small and fluffy the chicks were and how they were rushing along to keep up with their mother, so they didn’t get lost. And how busy the Mother Duck seemed to be, waddling along at quite a pace, glancing back from time to time to check that they were all still there.
I’d always thought – ignorantly now I realised – that trees were just green, but now I was looking at them in a different way, and describing them to Stuart it made me realise that there were so many different shades of green, as trees and bushes which had lost their leaves over winter begin to grow new leaves in various shades and buds began to open. Pretty pale pink blossom on the cherry trees painted even more colour into a landscape that had come alive for me.
Describing these tiny little things that I took for granted every single day of my life, made me so very grateful that I had the gift of sight, when so many other people didn’t. We really don’t appreciate what we have and should show more gratitude in our lives for the things we do have, instead of thinking about the things that we don’t.
We soon arrived at the little bistro café at the centre of the complex and I described the red and white canopy which covered the cast iron tables and chairs outside as I pulled the wheelchair up against a table. A pretty waitress came out to take our order and she flirted outrageously with Stuart and saw how handsome he was. She never even noticed that he couldn’t see her.
I read the menu out to Stuart and we both chose a chicken panini and decided that we’d share a bowl of chips. He was so easy to chat to and we passed the time of day easily while waiting for our food.
This walk with Stuart, describing the surroundings to him, made it feel like I’d woken up and could see things that I’d never seen before and in full technicolour too. And once more I counted my blessings.
Stuart talked about Hudson, the guide dog that he would shortly be getting. They’d been bonding over the last few months and the dog had been to stay a couple of times. Stuart was looking forward to getting some of his independence back and giving his parents a break from constantly looking after him.
He explained how most people would look at Hudson as just doing his job but Stuart saw it as opening up the world again and being able to experience things that he’d been missing out on. He was also looking forward to the emotional side of having a furry companion, that wag of a tail and lick of a hand that could brighten your day when you were feeling a bit down.
‘I’d love a dog at some point, but until I lost my job recently, it’s never really been the right time.’
‘But maybe there’ll never be a right time if you wait for it to come along. Perhaps you just have to find the right dog and fall in love with him or her and everything else will sort itself out. I’ve spent my life saying that I’d love to do things one day, but then I had my accident, and it made me realise that I probably will never be able to do those things now and I should have done them when I had the chance. You have to grab life with both hands, Maddy and do the things that you want to do, now. Because you don’t know what tomorrow brings. I’ll never forget that famous saying “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift and that’s why they call it the present.” And it’s true. Don’t let anything get in your way.’
We meandered back to his apartment, once again with me wittering on about every small thing that I thought he might like to know about; the colourful wild flowers growing in the hedgerows, the bumble bees hovering and darting from one flower to the next, the greyish-brown heads, white cheeks and black bibs of the sparrows dancing around from tree to tree.
When we returned, Stuart had a huge smile on his face, and some colour in his cheeks after having had a lovely morning. I knew that once again, the feeling of helping someone else was actually one of the most satisfying and heart-warming experiences that I’d had. I had never felt like this after a day working at the agency.
I made sure that Stuart was settled back in at home before I left. What he’d said about grabbing life was so true. Since I’d been made redundant, I’d been feeling really anxious about all sorts of things but I couldn’t let that anxiety take over like I had let it before and stop me from working out what my dreams were and setting out to grab them.
I was desperate to get home so I could ring Rebecca at the library to see if there was any way that I could be put on regular calls to both Stuart and The Darbys, who I felt had taught me more in the last two days than I had actually learned for a very long time. And I was also keen to tell Beth that she was right and that the goals I had been pursuing, thinking they made me happy, actually hadn’t made me happy for a long time, even though I thought they had.
* * *
I popped into the hospital on the way back before starting my afternoon shift at Growlers, and was totally delighted to find Beth looking much brighter today. She was waiting for the doctor to do his rounds and might possibly be able to come home today. She was delighted to hear about how I’d got on with Stuart and pleased that I was thinking of doing some more community projects too. Giddywell was getting under my skin and the thought of helping people really was growing on me. It helped others and made me feel happy. Win win!
* * *
Uncle Tom was waiting for me at the gate.
‘Ready for Growlers then, lovely?’
‘Ready as I’m going to be,’ I replied with a huge grin.
‘I’ve put these aside for you. Save your nice clothes getting too grubby. Don’t want you getting a wet bum again now, do we?’ He chortled and I just grinned at him.
‘Now you’re going to be a fully paid up member of staff, instead of helping just in the office, I thought we’d better get you kitted out properly. I’ll go and pop the kettle on and leave you to get togged up, and I’ll see you out in the yard in five.’ He scooted off pretty quickly, before I could see what he’d hung over the gate. I realised why when I p
icked up a pair of wax dungarees with the Growlers logo on the top pocket and a pair of green matching wellies. At least he’d got the right size on those, which is more than I could say for the dungarees, which would have fitted a giant. It was a good job there wasn’t a mirror around, I must have looked hideous.
A loud wolf-whistle stopped me in my tracks as I turned to see, of all people, Alex. Oh bloody great!
‘Mad, you look erm, stunning.’ He flicked up his phone and took a picture before I had a chance to say a thing and grinned at me. He was gorgeous but I was going to kill him.
‘I hate you, Alex Millington. Delete that picture right away!’
‘Will not! I’m going to put it on Instagram right now!’
‘Don’t you bloody dare.’ I leaned forward to grab the phone off him and he held the phone up above his head, so I had to reach even closer and up the length of his arm to grab it. As I did, he grasped my other wrist and I stumbled and fell against him. I could feel the warmth of his body, even through my gorgeous wax dungarees, and I shivered. He looked deep into my eyes and time stood still. Every nerve ending in my body tingled. We were literally millimetres away from each other. I could just reach up and kiss those lips and – oh God! – I really wanted to. As I bit my lip, his eyes lowered to my mouth and I’m really not sure if it came from him or me but I heard a groan.
‘Ah there you are. Is Alex teasing you again? He was always doing that to you when you were a teenager. Put her down, Alex. She must hate you. Here you go Maddy, a nice cuppa for you.’
Uncle Tom passed me a thermal cup and I laughed nervously and blushed as I brushed invisible dirt from my legs with my free hand. When I snuck a glimpse of him again, he had a smirk on his face and he was still looking at me with a sparkle of mischief in his eye.
‘Right, Alex and I just have to get some paperwork sorted, so I’ll get that out of the way while you take your tea out to the kennel barn and you can go and let the dogs out. They’re ready for their exercise session. If you want to go and take them over to the first field and then while you’re out there with them, I can go in and mop the kennels out. I won’t subject you to that today. They’ve all had their breakfast and a little snooze afterwards so they’ll all be ready for a play. Russell is due in soon too and I’ll send him out to help you.’
They ran around like lunatics to start with and we used a ball flinger and a flying disc to get them chasing around the field. Baxter was having such fun and I got my phone out and took a couple of snaps and texted them to Alice. I knew it would put her mind at rest. After an hour or so, the dogs were panting for a drink so Russell and I filled the troughs with fresh water, and sat down on a bench in the corner of the field for a rest as they drank, chatting easily about his plans for uni. Baxter came and lay down by my feet. He was a lovely little fella and I really did have a soft spot for him.
That evening, when I got back to the flat, and turned on the TV, because I hated silence, I wished that Baxter was snuggling up to me on my sofa. I had never felt so lonely in my flat.
Chapter Nine
The following morning, when I arrived at the farm, Uncle Tom raised a hand in a wave.
‘Beth’s in her bedroom darling, go on up,’ he yelled before heading for the doggy daycare. I was so happy when I called him last night to learn that she had been given the all clear to come home. Alex had arranged to pick her up, so that she didn’t have to get into Uncle Tom’s smelly old Land Rover. I was glad to hear this – I was sure she could have picked up all sorts of infections from it.
Breathing in the old familiar smells as I entered the farmhouse felt like a warm blanket being wrapped around my shoulders. I headed up to Beth’s room and used the hand sanitizer before knocking on the door. ‘It’s me, babe, are you decent?’
‘As decent as I can be right now, come on in.’
Beth was looking much better and said she felt a million times brighter being at home in her own environment.
‘And look at you, Mads. You are full of enthusiasm and spark. Your cheeks are red and your eyes are sparkling. I haven’t seen you like this for a very long time and it’s so great to see. I’m so pleased you enjoyed my little community jobs. I love my business but it’s great to get out and about and help people too. I didn’t know what to expect when I started, but I immediately loved it.’
‘I feel great to be honest, Beth.’ I hadn’t realised that for myself until she just said it but I did feel better than I’d felt for a long time. I felt at ease with the world, lighter than I’d felt for a while.
Beth turned the volume on the bedside radio up. ‘Hallelujah’ by Leonard Cohen was on and we smiled and swayed to the music as we remembered how we used to sing it at school. We sang along, remembering every word.
The school choir was always my thing. I had always loved to sing from a very early age and I’d joined a choir after university but then work got in the way. I’d be in a different part of the country and not able to get to practice and I couldn’t keep letting the others down, so I gave it up and hadn’t sung properly in a choir for a very long time.
‘You have a beautiful voice, Maddy. You always have.’
‘Aw Beth, that’s so kind of you to say so. I’m a bit out of practice to be honest.’
‘Well, it’s funny you should say that. I have another little job for you to do at the weekend,’ she explained as she handed me a piece of paper and a CD. ‘This is a backing CD and all you have to do is turn up at Meadow View Care Home at two p.m. next Saturday afternoon. The address is here. You need to phone ahead and speak to the activities co-ordinator to discuss what you are going to sing.’
‘Sing! Me? In public? You are kidding, right?’ My lips pressed together and I grimaced. The only singing I did these days was in the shower. My breathing was starting to speed up again and that familiar pounding of my heart seemed to be getting louder and louder in my body.
‘Darling, you have the voice of an angel, and you know it. I haven’t heard you sing for years. They have a piano there, so you’d better brush up on your keyboard skills too.’
‘But-but…’
‘But nothing, Maddy. Haven’t you always trusted me? Have I ever once let you down in my life?’
‘Well, there was that one time that you kissed Martin Bennett when you knew I fancied him.’
‘Darling, we were ten and at school. And I’ve always told you that he kissed me, not the other way round. So I’ll ask again, do you trust me?’
‘Of course I do, but—’
‘So please trust me again? I would never get you to do something unless I was sure you’d end up loving it. You know that.’
My breathing started to steady and I realised that what she was saying was true. Even though I hadn’t always been around for her, she’d always been there for me.
‘Look, Maddy, I know we haven’t seen much of each other over the last few years, and I know that you found it difficult to come back to Giddywell for a while, but I hope you feel differently now.’
‘Thank you Beth, I really do appreciate that. I can’t explain very well why I stayed away. I just felt like a complete failure when my relationship broke down. Giddywell was always my happy place and I didn’t want to poison it with my grief.’
‘Oh darling, please don’t ever feel like that. Giddywell is always a place that I hope you feel you can come back to. Anyway, I asked you before, do you trust me?’
‘Ok, ok.’ I held my hands up in surrender. ‘I trust you. But I may have to wring your neck if I make a fool of myself.’
She smiled and held my hand. ‘You are silly, darling; you could never make a fool of yourself. You are too lovely. I just wish you could see what I could see. And it’s not like it’s a full blown concert on a stage. It’s just a few old people in a nursing home. Now if you really love me, I could murder a cup of tea.’
* * *
Back in the farmhouse kitchen, Uncle Tom popped his head round the front door to say a proper hello to me. ‘How a
re things, Maddy darling?’
‘Oh you know, I’m getting there gradually. Just need to sort out my finances and work out what I’m going to do with the apartment.’
‘Why’s that? I thought you loved your lakeside space.’
‘I did, but I don’t anymore and to be totally honest, I’m really not sure it’s wise to be spending the sort of money I do on rental there every month now I’m not working. My redundancy money is going to run out eventually and I really need to find a job.’
‘Well, hopefully now Beth’s back home and we don’t have to keep nipping out to the hospital, we can work out some proper structured hours here for you, instead of doing a few hours here and there, but only if you want to, of course. Beth’s critical illness insurance has given us a bit of breathing space over at doggy daycare and we just need to sort out the other farm jobs and work out what needs doing. Perhaps we could sit down later and do that. The other thing I wanted to mention was that the couple renting the barn conversion are moving out on Friday, and I need to find some new tenants. You don’t know anyone who might be interested, do you?’
‘It would be great to sort out proper hours and get some structure back into my life. I feel like I’ve been floating around aimlessly for the last few weeks. It’s been really strange after years of working every single day. I’ll mention the barn to Mum. I blooming love that barn. I remember when you renovated it. So beautiful. She might know someone who’s interested, she’s more aware of what’s going on in the community than me.’ I handed him a cuppa and went back upstairs with our drinks and a packet of biscuits tucked under my arm. ‘I’ll pop over later and give you a hand settling the dogs down for the evening if you like.’
‘I need to show you what we do with the chickens too. You are wonderful, darling. We have missed you being around the place. See you in a while. Don’t rush, it’s not busy and I know that Beth loves having you sit with her.’