by Kim Nash
* * *
As I had been doing for the last few days, I made sure that Baxter was my first port of call when I arrived at Growlers. He was so happy to see me, jumping up at the kennel door. I let myself in and sat with him for about fifteen minutes before letting the dogs in the field for their afternoon exercise session. Some had to be walked separately, as they didn’t mix well, but those that did, all went together and played boisterously together. I threw a tennis ball and yelled ‘Ozzy come’ to a large Rottweiler, just like Uncle Tom had taught me, and laughed as he thundered towards me. I stood my ground, knowing that there was no way that he would run straight at me. How wrong I was. I was completely winded as he knocked me flying and I fell backwards, bum first, into a paddling pool full of cold water. I heard chortling from reception and Uncle Tom was holding his side and laughing so hard. After my dignity was restored, I returned to the office where he gave me a big hug and made me feel so much better, if a little stupid.
‘Maybe next time, move out of the way, just in case Madison,’ he laughed.
* * *
That evening, after I’d filled more poo bags than I ever thought possible and thrown more tennis balls than I thought existed in the world, I popped into the hospital to see Beth but when I arrived she was asleep. Glad that I’d brought my book along with me, I settled in to read but after just one page it was almost as if she sensed that I was there. She turned her head. ‘Hey, thanks for coming.’ She was still really groggy.
‘Hey gorgeous, sorry I woke you.’ I tried to think of something to say which wasn’t ‘how are you?’ – a rather ridiculous question right now but one that most of the time you couldn’t help but ask.
‘I’m sorry if I look like shit.’ She tried to move around to make herself more comfortable and even that exertion looked like it exhausted her. I jumped up to hold her forward while I adjusted the pillows and propped her up.
‘You could never look like shit, Beth. You even look fabulous in a hospital gown with your arse hanging out the back. Are you in pain?’
She giggled but I could see how much it hurt her. ‘Thank you for saying that but I know I don’t. Luckily I’m off my tits on morphine so I can’t feel a thing right now.’
I smiled. It was great to see that she hadn’t lost her sense of humour despite what she’d gone through. ‘Don’t take the piss! Actually, someone could come and take the piss, because I’ve got a catheter in and I’m sure I probably stink of wee! I think they need to empty it!’
‘Don’t worry about that love, I love you even if you do stink of wee.’
She loved hearing all about my morning with the Darbys and I told her they’d sent their love and how much their visit to them had warmed my heart. ‘You can’t beat the feeling of knowing that you are helping someone.’
‘You’re right you know. I know I’ve helped people in a work capacity but this is kind of helping someone to live and today just filled my heart with joy.’
‘I knew it would. I just knew it. So what are your plans for tomorrow?’ she asked.
‘I’m doing a full day at doggy daycare tomorrow. So that’ll be a test for me,’ I laughed. I’d agreed with Rebecca to go back to the library the day after tomorrow for my next project and told Beth that all I knew was that I was going to see a Mr Parkes. Beth smiled. ‘Ah! Mr Parkes. Can’t wait to hear all about it.’
When Alex and Uncle Tom walked through the door, we were laughing raucously, reminiscing about our very first holiday abroad. What we thought was going to a be a little fishing village, filled with Greek character and charm, had actually turned out to be party central and filled with booze, drugs and boys. Blimey, we grew up a lot in that fortnight, seeing things that we could never unsee.
I reminded Beth of the time she squealed in horror when she got pulled up onto the stage of a nightclub by the compere and told that she’d been chosen to be a judge in a Mr Wet Y-Fronts competition and she ran off and hid in the toilet. We never left each other’s side for the whole time we were there, petrified that we might be led astray. Two naive country bumpkins from a little village in the sticks of Staffordshire, thrust into a world that we never imagined even existed. But oh boy, did we have a good time! We laughed about Thanassis, a full-blooded, eighteen-year-old Greek boy who followed Beth around from dusk till dawn, desperate to woo her and who kept trying to lure her up dark alleys trying to snog her. And then there was Aki, the drop-dead gorgeous jet ski instructor, who spent the day strutting up and down the beach in his Speedos, thinking he was God’s gift to women, while all the teenage girls on the beach drooled over him. Such amazing memories of a belter of a holiday, never to be forgotten.
I glanced at Alex, who was shuffling from one foot to another in the doorway and caught my breath. I’m sure I must have been staring. He was more handsome even than I remembered, and I felt my cheeks flush as I took in his salt and pepper hair, stubbly beard, the dark denim jeans, white open-necked shirt and his hands hidden in the pockets of a – clearly very expensive – tan leather jacket. He oozed sophistication and charm but the best part of all was that he had absolutely no idea. He smiled at me and the room lit up. He had always had the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
We’d had a couple of ‘moments’ over the years and I wondered whether he remembered. The first was at my eighteenth birthday party, which was held at the farm. Mum and I were spending the night there, and all the oldies had gone to bed and there was just me, Alex and Beth left up. Alex and I plonked ourselves down on the sofa out in the conservatory while Beth was clearing up in the kitchen. Our thighs were touching and as I turned and looked up into Alex’s deep blue eyes, my breath caught in my throat. He was gorgeous and I had loved him all my life. It was as if time stood still as he gently reached out to me, put his hand to my cheek, and lowered his head to mine. Our lips were mere millimetres apart. His stubble brushed against my chin and the smell of his musky aftershave made my body tingle with anticipation. All my inhibitions were flung out of the window with the three pints of cider I’d drunk and I just wanted to snog his face off.
I closed my eyes, waiting for his lips to touch mine, a dream I had waited for ever since I could remember. I thought that my body was going to spontaneously combust through anticipation.
At that exact moment, bloody Beth came flouncing into the room, totally oblivious to our situation and flung herself across our laps, declaring my birthday party a huge success. Our ‘moment’ was lost but I’d never forgotten it. Alex went back to university a week later and I didn’t see him for months. When he graduated, he landed a job as an architect in New York, and it was there that he met Sophie.
The last time I’d seen him was when he flew back for their grandma’s funeral with her. She was absolutely stunning with her thick, shiny, long chestnut-brown hair and huge hazel eyes, which peered out from under her perfect fringe, her make-up flawless, on skin that didn’t have one imperfection. A little bit of me hated her guts. Especially because at that particular time, my skin from the neck up was completely blotchy and I probably had mascara streaks from all the crying I’d been doing that morning.
As we stood at the church, and said our goodbyes to a lady who had always been in my life, I looked across and saw Sophie draping her arm around her husband’s shoulders and pulling him close to her, and I wished with my whole being that it was me who was comforting him, not her. But it wasn’t and I vowed that I had to be nice to the woman that the man I secretly loved had chosen to be with.
We were all so distressed at the time, and when I tried to give the family some time to be together, Uncle Tom insisted that Mum and I stuck around, saying we were family. Mum did everything she could practically to help them, preparing food so that they didn’t go hungry, even helping out at the farm where she could to make their lives as easy as possible. I now felt bad because I hadn’t wanted to get my hands dirty. I was all power suits and immaculate grooming in those days, just trying to impress everyone, and looking back now, I real
ly should have done more to help.
I do remember Alex coming out of the toilet at the farm one day just after the funeral, as I was standing outside waiting to go in. He looked so sad, and I gave him what started as a friendly, sisterly hug, which neither of us pulled away from and seemed to develop into something that made my heart pound. He didn’t seem to want to let me go. He held me close to his chest and sighed as he reached one hand into my hair and rested the other under my chin, tilting my face to look up at him. Once more, I got lost in those gorgeous blue eyes and time stood still for what seemed like minutes, and when he looked at my lips and moved his head just a tiny bit closer, I held my breath and closed my eyes. We pulled apart sharply when we heard a cough, and from nowhere Sophie appeared and it all got a little bit awkward. After that I felt like he couldn’t wait to get away from me. She just glared at me and walked back into the kitchen. She’d never liked me. Perhaps she could sense my crush. I had gone as red as a beetroot so I presumed so.
I blushed again now, just thinking about it, and as I looked up, his eyes met mine, across the room as I was brought back to the present. He smiled at me and fireworks exploded in my tummy.
Kissing Beth on the head, and saying goodbye to everyone, I left her with her family and went home to my flat. Walking through the door, and placing my handbag on the coffee table in the lounge, I looked around and I realised again that it didn’t have any warmth or depth as a home. It was very minimalistic and almost clinical. Probably because I didn’t spend much time there but staying over at Mum’s, even though it was only on the night I was made redundant, was making me feel a little bit differently. I loved the laughter I felt every time I walked through the front door of Giddywell Grange.
Mum’s house, my childhood home and the place I would always call home, was warm and cosy, with photos everywhere celebrating the hundreds of wonderful memories that we’d made throughout the years. I suddenly realised that perhaps it was time for me to make some changes in my life after all. Perhaps the time had come for me to move out of this ultra modern apartment and move into something a little bit more homely. Perhaps I needed a new start somewhere fresh. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to see what was around. Maybe it was my time to start a new chapter.
* * *
The next day was a day full mainly of office work, there were lots of bookings to organise, and people to show around as it was well into the summer holiday period now and people were booking last minute holidays then desperately trying to find places to look after their dogs. I always wondered whether you booked the holiday first then tried to sort somewhere for your dog, or sorted the dog out first and booked your holiday around them. The phone was ringing non-stop. It was clearly a thriving business and tons of people were ringing up to see whether we did grooming too. I must mention that to Beth when she was feeling up to it. Maybe she could get a groomer in, or Beth could even get trained up, although I doubted whether she’d have the time. Russell and Uncle Tom did most of the exercise sessions and cleaning the kennels out. I was shattered that night and soaked for ages in the bath after pouring in a hefty slug of Jo Malone English Pear and Freesia bubble bath, because I was sure I smelled of disinfectant. Then I fell into bed and was asleep within minutes.
* * *
The next morning, when I arrived at the library, I was given an address, not too far from my own actually, a ground floor apartment in a trendy block the other side of the waterside complex that I lived in, and a sealed box to take with me. I was really curious to know what was inside but Rebecca just said it was some ‘stuff’ to give to Mr Parkes.
Bearing in mind that the last couple I visited were both ninety-six, I was most surprised when I knocked on the door of No 7 Chase View and was greeted by a strikingly handsome man peering at me from under a mop of surfer-dude-style golden curls. Perfectly groomed stubble framed the face of an angel, with piercing green eyes. He was smartly dressed in jeans and a sage green jumper, which matched his eyes perfectly. The last thing I noticed about him was that he was in a wheelchair. ‘Hi, I’m Stuart.’ He held out his hand. ‘You must be Maddy. Rebecca told me that you’d be popping along today.’
I smiled. ‘I am indeed.’ He turned and spun the chair round and wheeled down his hallway towards a modern kitchen, which had clearly been adapted for a wheelchair user. I placed the box on the kitchen table and asked if it would be ok there.
‘Sure. You’ll stay for a drink?’ It was more of a statement than a question and I nodded, mesmerised by his handsome face. There was something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on about him, though. He didn’t seem to look me in the eye.
‘I presume that’s a yes.’ Stuart wheeled over towards the kettle on the side, and seemed to feel his way across the work surface to the switch and felt around for the mug tree.
I realised at that point that Stuart was blind. Now it all made sense. I’d never come into contact really with anyone who was blind before. Not intentionally but there was no one in my circle of contacts. I didn’t really know how to react; should I help or would that insult him? Would he want me to help and then what if I didn’t offer? Oh crikey. How did I deal with this? Rebecca was really pushing my comfort zones today.
I decided to take the bull by the horns and offer to make the tea, and he smiled and said it would be lovely as he was forever scalding himself. He told me over a cuppa that he’d been injured in a car accident. When he woke up from a coma, he had discovered that not only was he never going to walk again, but that he had lost his sight. While his parents were normally around to help him, he had insisted that he could cope at home while they went on a week’s respite. His friend, Rebecca, said that she’d arrange for home visits, to keep him occupied and he had friends popping in all through the week to make sure he was managing.
‘It can get a bit boring, never getting out unless someone takes you and it’s also quite tiring so it’s nice to have people popping in. Beth comes to see me a lot, she’s a great friend. And I can’t keep relying on my parents; they’re at a time of their life when they should be out and about enjoying their retirement, not going back to the toddler years being burdened with me.’
How awful for him to feel this way. I imagined going from being independent one minute, to not being able to help yourself the next. It made me realise how much we take our health for granted.
‘Won’t be long though until I get my guide dog. He’s just going through his final training paces at the moment. I’m told it’ll give me a new lease of life and I can’t wait. I don’t like being blind, but there’s bugger all I can do about it so I have to make the most of everything don’t I? I suppose it could have been worse. I might not be here at all.’
What a way to look at life. And here was me feeling sorry for myself just because I didn’t have a job any more. And even that wasn’t permanent, as I was sure I would be working again before long.
‘While you’re here, tell me what the weather is doing today, Maddy? I like to create and imagine a picture in my head.’
An idea began to form in my mind. I had time on my hands, and he needed someone with time. ‘It’s a beautiful, bright spring day Stuart, blue sky, not a cloud in sight, the sun shining and warm enough to really feel it. I know we’ve only just met, but I don’t suppose you fancy a walk with me, do you? I have no real plans today and it would do me good to get out in the fresh air. We could even grab a bite to eat, at the café in the middle of the complex. It’s coming up to lunchtime. Unless you have other plans that is, of course.’
‘You sound like you know the area pretty well, Maddy. How’s your wheelchair driving?’
I explained that I lived on the other side of the waterside, which only looked across the way but was a ten-minute drive. ‘Not sure, but if you fancy finding out, I’m happy to give it a go,’ I replied. ‘But please don’t be grumpy with me if you end up on the pavement!’
He laughed and I was glad he had such a great sense of humour. He wheeled into the hall to grab his
jacket from the bannister. ‘Come on then, what are you waiting for?’ He waited by the front door as I grabbed my coat from the back of one of the kitchen chairs and followed him down the hall. ‘Before we go Maddy, I need to ask you something really personal.’
Oh god! I thought to myself. What the hell was coming next?
‘What colour is your hair?’ he asked.
‘Dark blonde with lighter highlights,’ I replied, relieved that his question wasn’t too difficult.
‘Nice. I think you are probably very pretty, Maddy. At the risk of sounding like a pervert, what are you wearing? And I don’t mean your under-crackers!’
I giggled. ‘Blue jeans, silver trainers, and a black leather jacket over a black t-shirt.’
‘Ok we can go now!’ he smiled. ‘I just wanted to know whether I need to be embarrassed or not to be seen out with you!’
I wish I knew what came over me when I bent close to his ear and whispered, ‘Oh, and I forgot to say. I’m wearing really sexy black underwear too.’
Stuart roared with laughter. ‘Oh I like you already, girl.’
‘Glad to hear it,’ I replied. ‘Although the honest truth is that it’s a manky old greying bra and big granny knickers.’
‘Watch it lady, you’ll be raising my blood pressure with that bit of information,’ he replied, still tittering to himself as I rammed the wheelchair into the architrave around the front door on my way out, muttering ‘whoops!’
We kept to the pavements, and luckily the complex was quite new and the walkways smooth and quite wide, so wheelchair-friendly, without too many dips up and down, although it was a shame that people weren’t particularly considerate. People parked on kerbs in some places so closely that you couldn’t get a wheelchair past and it really wound me up and I huffed and puffed, as I had to go down a kerb, around a car, and back up a kerb again more than once. And the dog mess! What the hell was that all about?