Escape to Giddywell Grange

by Kim Nash

  The things I was doing now, that Beth had always done, I’d always felt were completely boring and dull, yet these small tasks that Beth had got me to cover for her had fulfilled me more than my previous work role ever did. I was a little embarrassed if truth be told, as even though I didn’t mean to, I must have shown my disdain to Beth on the rare occasions that we met up or spoke.

  I even thought that I was happy on my own. Because I felt that my father had let me down before I was even born, it had taken me a while to trust in a relationship but I met and fell head over heels in love with Jamie and I did put my trust in him… only for him to prove me right about my fears. After Jamie had let me down, I vowed that I’d never trust anyone in a romantic relationship again. I’d put him and the thought of anyone else to the back of my mind. So why was I constantly thinking about Jamie since he’d been in touch? I decided that there might be only one way to get him out of my system once and for all.

  * * *

  I always thought that arriving early to a meeting gave me an advantage over walking in last, so I arrived at the pub early before the Monday after-work rush started, and got myself a prime seating position so I would be able to see him when he approached the entrance. Now I was here though, I was really not sure if this had been the best idea after all, because I could hear my stomach gurgling with trepidation. I was really nervous. Oh God! He was here and about to walk through the door.

  The bell above the door tinkled, and I pretended to be on my phone but before I knew it, he strode across the room and was standing literally two feet from me. I looked straight into those baby blue eyes, which crinkled up in that oh-so-familiar way as a smile spread across his face. I stood, and hesitated, a little unsure of how to greet him, but before I could decide, he grabbed both my elbows, leant forward and kissed me on both cheeks before I had the chance to back away.

  ‘God, you look gorgeous, Madison. Even better than before. You have a healthy glow about you, absolutely stunning. What are you drinking?’

  In shock over how familiar he was, I said that I’d already got a coffee, so he went off to the bar to get himself a drink. It gave me time to study him. He looked well too. He’d lost a bit of weight and was looking lean and fit, his clothes fitting him well, especially his trousers. He turned and saw me looking at his backside and grinned and I excused myself to go to the ladies’ as soon as he returned to our table. I stood with my back against the toilet door, my heart thumping so loud it felt like it was on the outside of my body. My hands were shaking and I knew I really needed to get a grip before I went back out there.

  It was time for my superhero pose. I always felt like a complete twat when I did it, but apparently scientific studies had proven that if you stood with your hands on your hips and your head tilted upwards, in a superhero stance, before either a job interview, or a big presentation or a really hard task, then not only would you feel significantly more confident, you would perform measurably better. Well, that’s what it said once on Grey’s Anatomy and I’d never forgotten it! And it worked too. Every single time.

  My breathing began to slow right down and after a minute or two, returned to normal and right now I felt like I could take on the world. So I was certainly ready to take on Jamie.

  * * *

  ‘It really is good to see you, Maddy, you’ve been on my mind so much and I’ve wanted to get in touch so many times but didn’t know whether to or not. But then I thought, what’s the worst that could happen if I did? And the worst thing was that you might have said no, so I’d be in exactly the same position. So, I bit the bullet and wrote you that note. I’ve never stopped thinking about you and wishing that things had been different between us before I fucked it all up.’ He did actually look ashamed I was glad to see, as he blurted all this out. I sat in silence and just looked at him. In the past, I would have started to fill the silence with words reassuring him that it was ok, when it wasn’t, just to make him feel better, but I needed him to know not just how much he’d hurt me but also how much I’d changed.

  ‘I know it was entirely my fault. You were such a good influence in my life and I know it was all down to me that we’re not together any more. I miss you, Maddy. I’ve missed you since the day I left. Things have never been the same since.’

  Saying nothing seemed way more powerful than saying anything that could have been misconstrued. I gave him a stare that Paddington Bear would have been proud of.

  ‘I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I’m erm… I’m sorry.’

  There they were. The words that I’d waited to hear for so long. The words that I had felt would be life-changing. The words that were coming three years later than they should have. And the words that actually, now I was hearing them, meant nothing at all. And there was nothing about the pregnancy. My baby. It was almost like he’d completely forgotten about something that I would never be able to forget.

  ‘Jamie, three years ago, those words may have been much nicer to hear. Now, they mean nothing. Why did you want to meet me? Shall we get to the point?’

  ‘I wanted to meet you because I wanted you to forgive me. I’ve been feeling bad about how things ended between us and wanted to put things right. And I love you, Maddy, I have missed you more than I could ever tell you. I’ve never stopped loving you, Maddy, even though we’ve been apart. I’d love us to be friends again and maybe eventually even become a couple again. I know that won’t be for a while, and that I have to earn the right to have you back, but I’d really like us to try.’

  He seemed totally genuine, but I could just imagine what Beth would be saying if she were sitting here right now.

  I looked deep into his beautiful big blue eyes. Eyes in which I used to get lost forever, and I could feel myself falling deep into once more. He smiled at me and his eyes twinkled as he reached across the table with his hands.

  Hesitating at first, my hands joined his as if they had a will of their own. Those big, smooth, powerful hands, that I knew so well, that had caressed my body so many times, were intertwined with mine and it felt familiar and it felt right. It was bringing back lots of warm fuzzy feelings, and my heart was starting to thaw as I remembered just how much this beautiful man sat before me had meant to me in the past. An ache deep in the pit of my stomach reminded me of just how much I’d loved him and made me wonder whether I could possibly love him again. Looking deep into those eyes, even though my head was saying ‘no, don’t do it,’ my heart was saying that I really wanted to try.

  More confused than I had ever been before, I told Jamie that I had to go, as I had an appointment to get to. I just needed some space to think; to put everything into perspective and try to work out what I really wanted. When we parted, he hugged me close to his chest.

  ‘There’s never been anyone that’s come close to you, Maddy. Never!’

  I had no idea how to answer that. How do you respond to someone who has let you down so badly, but that you loved with everything you had? Did second chances ever really work? There was only one way to find out, but was that a route I wanted to go down? I hadn’t a clue what I wanted right now.

  * * *

  Early on Tuesday morning, I could hear Skype ringing on my iPad. I clicked on the icon and Alice’s face came into view. She didn’t look happy.

  ‘Is everything ok, Alice? You look sad.’

  ‘Oh Madison.’ She burst into tears. ‘I have a huge decision to make. Emily and I have had a wonderful time and she’s asked me to come and live with her.’

  ‘Wow! What an offer! And how do you feel about it?’

  ‘I love it here, Madison. I’ve never felt more comfortable. Here, I’m Alice, Emily’s sister. I’m not Alice, who lost her husband and who everyone feels sorry for. And it feels so very different. I know Des would be encouraging me to stay and have an adventure. But what about my Baxter? I don’t think it would be fair to put him through the trauma of having him flown out here. He’d be so scared and alone, I couldn’t bear to think of him that way
. Yet it breaks my heart to think that I’d have to put him up for adoption just for me to have my dream. I love my Baxter so much and I really don’t know what to do. I knew that you’d be a good person to talk all this through with. Emily has never had a dog so she doesn’t understand why this isn’t an easy decision to make. She keeps saying that Baxter is “just a dog!” but he’s not. He’s been my friend and my listening ear. He’s sat by me while my heart has been breaking and he’s helped me to heal. I know he’s only a dog to some people, but he’s the one who came and licked my tears away when he could see I was so desperately sad. He’s the one who sat close to me, giving me comfort when I needed it most. What do I do, Madison? What do I do?

  ‘And I wanted to ask you whether you might help me to do this, if, and it’s a big if, I did decide to do it. There are things that need doing in the house. It’ll need clearing and boxing up. And I wondered whether this is something that you could help me with at all. That way, I wouldn’t have to come back at all. I think it would be worse if I saw Baxter. It would make me feel so guilty and sad. One minute I’ve made up my mind, and the next I’m all of a dither again.’

  ‘Of course, I’ll help if you need me to. It would be my pleasure.’

  The pitter-patter of paws could be heard crossing the office floor and two feet followed by another two and a fluffy backside plonked itself on my lap. As if he had heard his name, Baxter moved towards the screen and sniffed it. I tickled him behind his ears and he gave a little contented doggy groan.

  ‘Oh my Baxter, my darling beautiful boy. How could I consider doing this?’ Alice was now openly sobbing. Baxter turned round and licked my face and snuggled into my shoulder. God I’d miss this little dude if I had to rehome him. I really would. We’d formed a lovely bond since he’d been staying with me.

  An idea was beginning to form in my mind.

  ‘Alice, you could take this one step at a time, you know.’

  She looked at me, puzzled.

  ‘You could commit to a short period of time, maybe three months or so and then if it was something you felt that you’d made the wrong call on, you could still hop on a plane and come back. You could even rent your house out, instead of selling up; that way you’d always have somewhere to come home to, and it might feel less dramatic than committing to it for ever.’

  ‘That seems like a good option, I hadn’t even thought of that. In my emotional state all I could really think about was either doing it or not.’

  ‘Alice, what sort of home do you want for Baxter?’ I asked her as I stroked his head.

  ‘I just want him to be with someone who has time for him and loves him and will look after him. If I took your suggestion and only went for three months at first, perhaps I could get someone to foster him for me, so I would still have options in the future.’

  ‘And what if I knew someone who I think would be perfect to foster him? Would you trust my judgement?’

  ‘I would, Madison. I know we’ve not known each other long, but you know that I believe that people come into your life for a reason. I was there for you when you had your bad redundancy news and needed a friend, and you were able to help me to find a kennel for my boy and now I think you might be the person to help me again. I’ll repay you, my love, I’m so grateful for anything you can do to help. Having no kids means I have no one really to ask. It’s one of the main considerations for coming to live here. I have my sister here. At home, I don’t really have anyone. So do you think you might have someone in mind that might be good for Baxter?’

  ‘I do! You’re looking at her.’

  ‘No! You are kidding me. Really? Do you really mean that? You’d have Baxter for me?’

  ‘I do mean it. If I was to tell you that I have fallen head over heels in love with this furry little fella, would you believe me? He’s my little shadow. I turn around and he’s there all the time. I absolute adore him, Alice. I was getting worried at the thought of you coming back and taking him home, to be honest. I knew how upset I’d be not having him around.’

  ‘Oh Maddy, you are my guardian angel! You really are. It breaks my heart to leave him behind, but it wouldn’t be fair to ship him out here on his own. He would hate that, yet this is an offer too good to be true. The weather is fabulous and my gnarly old hands and my achy old joints feel better just for being in the warmth. And I’ve so enjoyed spending time with my sister – it’s made us realise that we don’t want to be apart any longer. She’s got a job here and a life, and I have Baxter and my memories. And I can bring my memories with me. And if you were to have Baxter, it would be absolutely wonderful.’

  ‘Honestly Alice, it would be my absolute pleasure. He’s no trouble at all. He’s been such great company for me. Saves me talking to myself. He’s adorable. I’ve always fancied a dog, but it’s never been the right time for me to have one, and I’d always worried about what would be the right dog for me. I’ve never wanted a puppy, I don’t think I could cope with that, but the time is right now. And I couldn’t be better placed. I’m working at a kennels and I live on a farm. It’s perfect.’

  ‘Oh Madison, you’ve taken such a weight off my shoulders, you really have. I was dreading the thought of him going to a family that I didn’t know and never knowing if he was happy, but this way I could still find out how he is.’

  ‘Of course you can. You can Skype him any time you like. And I promise you that I already do and will continue to love him and will take good care of him. The situation is perfect for us both. And we can talk more in time about the house and the best way to progress that, too. I can keep an eye on things for you from here. Take the pressure off you.’

  ‘Oh, I’m so happy, Madison. You are amazing. Thank you so very much. I must go and tell Emily this amazing news. Would it be ok if I slept on it for a day or two and let you know for definite? It’s such a huge decision to make and I need to make sure it’s the right one that I am making… but you have made all the difference. It seems to me to be the perfect solution. The thought that Baxter could be living with you makes me feel very different about things. Not quite so sad. I know you think the world of him and I know that he loves you too! Thank you, thank you, my sweet girl. Speak very soon.’ The screen went blank and as I closed my laptop, I turned to my little furry friend, and stroked his head. His big brown soulful eyes looked deeply into mine and my heart filled with love and excitement at the possibility of having him around permanently.

  * * *

  Much as I wanted to play it cool and make him suffer a little longer, when Jamie texted me and asked if he could take me out for a meal on Thursday evening, I agreed. However, when Thursday came around, I was in a right old tizzy about what to wear. Did I dress up for him, did I dress up to make myself feel better, or just go in my new casual wardrobe? I hadn’t dressed up for a while.

  There were two reasons why I’d agreed to meet him at the restaurant that he’d suggested rather than let him pick me up. The first was so that he didn’t come to my home – I was still surprised at how much the barn already felt like home; far more than my flat ever had, and I wasn’t ready to have him in my personal space. The second was so that if I realised that I’d made a bad decision, I could make my excuses and leave. All I had to remember was not to get drunk! I really needed to keep my wits about me and not do anything stupid, so it just seemed like a good idea all round to make my own way there.

  Part of me was kicking myself for getting butterflies just knowing that I was going to meet him and the other half was trying to tell myself to pipe down and stop being ridiculous. It was Jamie and he was the man who had let me down so badly and broke my heart into smithereens. And I’d never forgive him. The only reason I was going was to find out what else he had to say for himself.

  So, my decision had been to dress up, but to do it not for him, but for me, to give me the confidence I needed. The dogs didn’t appreciate me making an effort so I didn’t bother much these days and lived in jeans and hoodies, with my hair up in a cl
ip and rarely any make-up but to my surprise, I was feeling more comfortable in my own skin than ever before without all the decoration that I used to need.

  I chose my favourite navy blue wrap dress that pulled me in and pushed me out in all the right places, along with a pair of red high heels which hurt like hell but looked good and a linen short jacket. I’d spent hours with my hair in curlers and carefully applied my make-up and my bright crimson lipstick gave the perfect finishing touch and that extra boost of va va voom! It felt good to get dressed up, yet a little fake, considering how I normally spent my days right now. To be totally honest, I felt more comfy in my scruffy clothes and flat shoes and I never thought for one minute that I’d admit to that. But right now, I needed to feel confident, to make sure I had the upper hand and wasn’t a pushover. As the taxi driver beeped his arrival, I practically fell over in my high heels. It had been weeks since I’d worn this type of shoe and I felt like I’d already got out of a habit that I used to do every single day.

  Walking into the restaurant, early of course, I noticed heads turn in my direction and smiled coyly at a table of businessmen that I had to walk past to get to the table. When I sat down and flicked my hair seductively, smiling at the table of men, I felt something that didn’t feel quite right hit me in the side of my face and was completely horrified to discover three fluorescent self-gripping rollers still in my hair and one stuck on the back of my coat. Oh fuck! I was such an idiot.