by Kim Nash
Baxter barked as if to get our attention, and as we turned to look at him, the little monkey ran over to Jamie’s car and seemed to grin at us as he cocked his leg up the passenger side front wheel. I couldn’t help but smirk when Jamie tried unsuccessfully to shoo him away – nothing was putting Baxter off the longest wee I think he’d ever had.
After much cajoling to get Baxter back to me, we retreated to the barn. It felt a bit weird having Jamie in my personal space, which was strange, as I hadn’t felt that at all when Baxter moved in.
I invited him to take a seat at the dining room table, not wanting to be too informal and certainly not wanting to end up sitting on a settee next to him. Curious as to what he was going to say, I purposely asked him if he preferred tea or coffee and how he took it when he chose tea. I didn’t want him to think that I still remembered every little thing about him. I cupped my hands around my steaming mug of coffee as they were shaking.
‘Madison. I’m just going to say what’s on my mind, if that’s ok.’ He started before I’d even acknowledged with a yes or a no, as usual so confident that I wouldn’t question a word that he said. ‘When Geoff offered you a job the other night, it was like a light bulb went off in my brain. I know I’d joked about it earlier in the evening, but it made me realise that you and I should be working together. We are awesome together, we always have been, and just the ideas that you were coming up with when we were chatting were amazing and I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it since. I’ll match what Geoff offered you financially, and you can come back when you’re ready and even do some work here part-time in the meantime if you want to until Beth is ready to come back full time.
‘We can get you booked into the hairdressers and get that dreadful hair sorted out.’
I put my hand up to my hair. These days, I let it dry naturally and it went quite wavy, but I actually liked it. It probably did look a mess compared with how it used to be. When I was with Jamie, it was permanently pulled back into a tidy but severe bun, which actually used to give me a headache and I couldn’t wait to shake it loose at the end of the day.
‘Then we’ll book you into a beautician and get your hands and feet sorted out. I’ve never seen you before without polish on your nails. I can’t see your feet when you are in those clodhoppy boots, but the Maddy standing before me today is just not the Maddy I know and love. We definitely need to get that sorted out before we put you in front of customers. And the clothes. Er… wow! Where to start? Obviously, we need to get you back into wearing those smart suits that you used to wear. I presume you still have them. You might think you are rocking the wax dungarees babe,’ he looked me up and down and shook his head, ‘but I have to honest with you – they really need to go.’
For once, I was speechless. He was on a roll and he wasn’t stopping now.
‘You don’t have to give me an answer straight away, but all I will ask is that you promise me you’ll seriously think about it. Imagine darling, we could work hard and play hard but we’d be doing it together. You could even work on Geoff’s account, that would soften the blow for him and I’m sure he’d be fine with that. And we could have all our wonderful things again.’
He waved his arms around at my surroundings and smirked. ‘You wouldn’t have to live in this dingy place on a smelly farm. We could get another swanky apartment in town together and we could have all of those fabulous holidays that we used to have too. Please Maddy, just think about it. Promise me that much.’
Totally stunned by his offer in many ways, I really didn’t know what to say. He was criticising me yet giving me a backhanded compliment at the same time. He’d also still not mentioned the miscarriage. It was almost like he’d completely forgotten it had ever happened yet it was something that would stay with me forever. I really wasn’t sure what to think and more than that, what to do. Jamie stood and walked around the table. Standing over me, he reached out to put his finger on my lips.
‘I know! Exciting isn’t it!’ He obviously took my silence for excitement. ‘Don’t say a word, just think about it. You know I’m right and all you have to do is say the word and we can get you out of this dreadful place and this dead-end job and back where you belong, in a life of luxury.’ He kissed the top of my head and left as quickly as he had arrived, not even touching the drink I’d made him. He sneered at Baxter, who uncharacteristically growled at him and then snapped at his ankles as he walked past him. Jamie kicked out at him, missing him by mere inches and Baxter whimpered and ran off to his basket. ‘That’s how you teach dogs who the boss is.’ He grinned as he walked towards his car, got in and then drove off without a backward glance. I couldn’t believe that hour had just happened.
I was stunned by his offer. I hadn’t seen it coming and my thoughts were all over the place. I didn’t know what would happen between Jamie and me on a personal basis yet, let alone if we worked together. It could be inviting trouble. I supposed there was no harm in thinking about it, like he said. And we did have a lovely life together… and lovely holidays. Seeing him after all this time had confused me even more. I didn’t really know how I felt about him; did I really want to go back to that life?
Could I ever forgive him? Could I ever forget what he’d done and about how he had just seemed to cast aside one of the most important things in my life? And it wasn’t until now that I realised that he was really rather critical of me and seemed to want to turn me into someone that I’m not.
There was also the fact that I was really loving my life these days, even though I was on my own. I adored working at Growlers, so much more than I had ever thought I would. I was really enjoying looking after Baxter and having a dog in my home and Rebecca and I had made arrangements to cover Beth’s shifts for the next few weeks and then to get some of my own when she was back, because she knew how much I’d enjoyed that whole sense of community spirit.
When I’d explained that I was also looking after Baxter, she said that I might be able to take him along to some of the visits I did because animals, particularly dogs, were excellent therapy for the elderly and for less able-bodied people that they had signed up to their projects. There were also families that had been rehomed and troubled children using the programmes. Rebecca said that sometimes children reacted better to animals than they did to adults and might open up more if they were comforting a dog. Apparently studies had shown that stroking a dog was good for lowering blood pressure, lowering stress levels and helping your body to release a relaxation hormone.
She thought it would be a great idea to trial doggy visits and we arranged for her to pop over and meet Baxter. I was really excited by this thought and couldn’t wait to start experimenting with my little fur buddy. Even though I was really excited about all of this, I would really need to think hard about Jamie’s proposition and my future.
* * *
Thinking about nothing else but Jamie’s proposition, I was unable to sleep properly for the next three days, and had a constant headache. Without Alex around, I was doing full time at Growlers, and with Uncle Tom so busy on the farm we were rushed off our feet. I hadn’t even seen Beth for two days. If truth be told, I was a bit scared that she’d see through me straight away and know that there was something on my mind. Jamie was taking me out again tomorrow night and I knew he’d want to talk about his offer.
It was typical: just as I was starting to get my life together again after the awful redundancy shock and things had started to settle down, Jamie was back in my life, turning everything upside down again. I needed to talk things through with someone, but that person couldn’t be Beth because I knew that in the past she had such fixed ideas about Jamie; I didn’t feel that she was the right person to go to now. I needed to pop to the village store for a few bits and pieces so I’d do that and then pop in to surprise Mum on the way back and see whether she could offer me some good old impartial Mum advice. She didn’t dislike Jamie when we were together, but she did once tell me that she thought that he had taken me away
from spending time with her, because he wanted me all to himself.
A silver Mercedes C-Class was parked on her drive, and as I walked through the front door and down the hallway, I could hear laughter coming from the kitchen.
‘Hellooooo!’ I called ahead loudly, to make sure they knew I was there. If it was who I had a feeling it might be, I’d hate to walk in on anything untoward.
Poking my head gingerly round the kitchen door, I was delighted to see my mother fully clothed sitting with Edward at the kitchen table, also dressed, with his hands cradling a mug.
‘Hello dear, what a surprise to see you. Are you ok?’
Mum did actually look a little flushed, but I presumed that was down to the fact that I’d caught her with her man friend again.
‘What are you doing here, darling? Anything in particular, or just a pop in?’
‘Well, I had a couple of things that I wanted to chat to you about, but I can come back another time. It’s not urgent. I’ll head off and ring you later.’
‘Oh I’ll go, shall I? Leave you ladies to talk.’
‘No Edward, you were here before me, I’m sorry to interrupt.’
‘Not interrupting anything my dear, come and sit. Your mother talks about you constantly and I’d love to get to know you a little better.’ He patted the seat beside him. I looked over at Mum and she was rubbing her neck, a habit of hers that she had when she was feeling nervous. I did exactly the same too and we’d always had the nature/nurture debate about it and whether it was because I’d seen her do it so many times, so had naturally learned to do it too, or whether it was part of my genes.
‘I’ll put the kettle on again then, shall I?’ she questioned.
‘If you’re sure – it’s not a problem to come back.’
‘No, you’re here now, so you may as well stay. Is everything ok?’
A single tear rolled down my cheek.
Mum was at my side immediately, her arm around my shoulders. ‘Darling, what on earth is it?’
‘Jamie’s back, Mum.’
‘Oh dear!’ She looked across at Edward and pulled a face, and he excused himself to go to the toilet. I’m sure he was just giving us a little bit of time.
‘And what has he said to you to get you in this state?’
‘He says he loves me and he’s missed me and that he’s sorry and that he wants me back. And I don’t know what to do.’
She wrapped her arms around me. Whenever I was upset, she made everything feel a million times better just with one of her hugs.
She broke away as Edward came back into the room. ‘Perhaps we need something a little stronger than tea!’ She reached to the top shelf of the Welsh dresser by the back door and pulled down a bottle of gin and grinned at me.
‘Edward, you’ll join us for a little one? Madison has man problems.’
He walked past me gently resting his hands on my shoulders for just a short moment. It was a very reassuring, kind gesture and I felt a little of the pressure I’d been feeling leave my body through his hands. ‘Just a very small one for me, as I’m driving later,’ he smiled at Mum.
‘Oh gosh yes, me too, I have to drive home. Perhaps I’d better not.’
‘Nonsense darling, you can get a taxi back to the farm or walk, or you can stop here. You know that we’ve always had the biggest discussions in our life over a gin and tonic. There’s nothing that a good chat with your old mum and a gin and tonic can’t sort out. Isn’t that right?’
‘You’re right. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t planning on spoiling your afternoon though, Edward.’
‘Honestly Madison, you’re not spoiling anything as far as I’m concerned. We were only sitting chatting. You never know, maybe I could give you the man’s perspective on the situation. And I can even be a taxi driver later, and run you home if you fancy another G&T after that one.’ He really was a kind man and I liked him very much. His smile reached his eyes, which were all twinkly, and he was very handsome. He really reminded me of someone but I still couldn’t put my finger on who. I was sure it would come to me one day. I was so glad that this lovely man was in my Mum’s life.
‘Oh go on then, Mum.’
She patted my hand and grabbed some tall crystal cut glasses out of the dresser.
‘Crikey Edward, you can come again. She’s using the best glasses.’
Mum grinned. ‘I’m getting too old to save things for best these days. And we’re worth the best all the time, don’t you think?’
Edward seemed really good for Mum. She was generally brighter if possible, as if she was happier. She was also looking really lovely today and had obviously made an effort, knowing that she had a visitor. A cornflower blue cashmere jumper really brought out the colour of her eyes and I spotted that she was wearing mascara, a natural-coloured lipstick and possibly a bit of bronzer, which really complemented her beautiful face. She always said that her hair was grey, but today, it looked like shimmering silver, glossy and sleek. She looked like Helen Mirren, and I saw her for the first time as a really attractive, striking older woman. My lovely Mum!
‘So come on then, spit it out. What’s he got to say for himself?’
Mum and Edward listened attentively, while I explained that Jamie had been back in touch and his proposition. Even though I hadn’t known Edward long, it felt right to be sat here discussing these things with him. I had a whole back-story to fill him in on, and he ummed and aahed in all the right places, making me like him even more.
‘So what is your heart telling you?’ Mum asked as she poured us another G&T. This drinking in the day was beginning to be a bit of a habit. That afternoon in the pub with Ivan had kick-started another enjoyable pastime for me. Edward shook his head and smiled at her, as she offered him another.
‘My heart is telling me that I used to love him. That we were really good together, and that we had lovely things, a nice flat, a great life. I never had to worry about where the next penny was coming from and we enjoyed being together.’
‘Before you caught him having it off with that floozy, you mean?’ Despite the fact that this was true, hearing my Mum say ‘having it off’ was hilarious. Edward and I sniggered at each other across the table even though we were talking about one of the worst moments of my life. Maybe the combination of gin and unburdening how I felt was making me feel lighter about the whole situation.
‘And what about your head, Madison?’ Edward quizzed me next.
‘Well, there’s a part of me that’s wondering why he’s getting in touch now after three years. And there’s another part of me wondering whether he offered me a job because his business is struggling and whether that’s the only reason he wants to get back with me. And there’s yet another part of me that wonders whether because he’s cheated on me once, he’ll do it again one day, after I’ve put all my trust back in him. You know, Mum, how hard it is for me to trust a man. I’ve never had a father in my life you see, Edward, and it’s made me really wary of getting too close to anyone. I lowered all my barriers with Jamie and then he let me down. Do people just hurt you on your way through life? And is it a case of better the devil you know?’
‘If I may comment?’
I nodded at Edward’s question. ‘Please do. I’m so confused, any advice is welcome.’
‘People can change, Madison. Perhaps giving him a chance to prove himself is the only way you’ll know if he has. Your mother has obviously told me about how much you’ve missed having your father in your life. I’m sure that if your father was lucky enough to meet you now, he’d see the beautiful, wonderful, kind, feisty girl that you are today, despite him not being around. I’m sure he’s kicked himself every day of his life for not being part of yours. Sometimes you regret things more than you ever think could be possible. But you’ve damaged things so much that you don’t know how to start to mend them.’ He caught Mum’s eye and she turned away and looked out of the window to the bottom of the garden.
‘Sometimes you have to go back in life to be ab
le to move forwards. Don’t let the past hold you back and stop the future being wonderful. People don’t always get the chance to be with the people that they love.’ I saw him quickly glance at Mum. I don’t think he knew that I’d seen it. ‘Sometimes you meet people again later in life and feel like you’ve missed out on a whole life in between. But life is too short to regret things you did and even more the things you didn’t do, and you don’t want to wonder “what if” for the rest of your life. You can’t change anything that’s happened in the past, but you can change the future. The future is in your hands. Make sure you choose wisely.’
Blimey, that was a bit deep and meaningful. I wondered what had gone on in his past for him to make this monumental speech. I wasn’t even sure whether he was talking about my father here or Jamie.
Mum was looking rather glassy-eyed; perhaps she’d been a bit heavy-handed with the Bombay Sapphire. She stared at Edward as if seeing him for the first time. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. I think she liked him an awful lot and I really hoped that for the first time in many years, she’d found someone that she might make a future with, someone who would spend the rest of his life making her happy. There had obviously been something between them when they were at school and it was nice that they were rekindling an old friendship, whatever it might lead to in the future.
She deserved happiness with someone after all these years of being alone. If I ever met my dad, there would always be a little bit of me that would want to wring his neck, for putting my mum through what he did. In my head, I’d definitely given him a piece of my mind many a time. Shame it was only in my head.