by Kim Nash
Theo stood as I arrived and I didn’t quite know what to do next. Did we nod at each other, high five, bump fists, shake hands, kiss cheeks? I hadn’t a clue. He took the decision out of my hands, and gently kissed my cheek.
‘Hello Theo. Hi Mum.’
I gave Mum a hug and walked round the table to sit opposite her. Theo sat too and immediately launched into a speech that he clearly couldn’t wait to get out.
‘Madison, can I just apologise profusely? I, and we, never, for one moment, intended for you to find out about me the way you did. It was the last thing either of us would want. Josie and I were working out the best way to tell you. And we hadn’t come to a conclusion. I am so, so sorry. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world. I promise you that.’ He looked genuinely sad when he said this, and my heart reached out to him. ‘You must feel like you can’t trust us, but I promise that you can if you let me make it up to you.
‘Before anything else though, I do feel that I owe you an explanation. I’ve gone through it with Josie,’ he leaned over and touched her hand, ‘and now it’s time for me to explain myself to you.
‘When I met your mother, I was in a very dark place. I’d met my wife Jean at school and we just seemed to drift into marriage. It was never a huge passionate love affair but it was a comfortable life. But then Jean became ill and was finally diagnosed with ME after many years of us not knowing what was wrong with her. She suffered with severe depression because of it, and to be honest, I was suffering with depression too but was too busy to deal with it at the time because I was looking after her. I worked hard all day and then was her carer when I came home at night. I was extremely fond of her. We rubbed along ok.
‘From the moment I laid eyes on your mum, I fell madly and passionately in love with her and that love just grew and grew. Being with her was so very different from being with Jean. I felt so bad for not telling your mum that I was already married and I also felt so guilty for having an affair but I was young and stupid, and mixed up. I thought that Jean wouldn’t realise that I wasn’t in the places that I said I was. I never thought that she’d suspect I was seeing someone else, but the night that I went home after your mum told me that she was pregnant, I don’t know how, but Jean knew. She offered me an escape, but I couldn’t possibly leave her. By that time, she was in a wheelchair and couldn’t even get herself dressed. What sort of man would I be if I left her? But then what sort of a man was I for leaving your mum in that predicament? I couldn’t win whichever decision I made. But I knew that your mum had her parents, who I thought would help her. Jean had no one; her own parents had died years before which was probably one of the reasons why I felt that we should marry in the first place. If I’d left her she would have literally been alone and I felt like I owed it to her.
‘I’ve never forgotten Josie, or you. I wondered about you both every single day of my life, the moment my eyes opened every morning. What had happened to you after I’d told you that we couldn’t be together? Whether you hated me? What did you look like? What sort of person would you turn into? Would not having me in your life affect you? Did you ever think of me? Would I ever get the chance to put things right? Or would I die never knowing you? The questions were eating me up inside.’ Tears were trickling down his cheeks and he didn’t even seem to notice. I looked at Mum and she smiled through her own tears. This was so hard for us all.
‘When Jean found out she was dying she made me promise to find you once she’d gone. She never would tell me how she knew. I thought I’d protected her from finding out. But I suppose that there’s always the potential for secrets to come out.’
I looked at Mum, and she was biting the inside of her cheek and looking down at her hands, where she was fiddling with her bracelet. I looked back to Edward and he looked deep into my eyes. Eyes that were my own, looking back at me.
‘I know I’ve never been a father to you and you might choose to never forgive me for that. I know that I can never make up for all of these missed years but I would love, if you would let me, to be a part of your future and if that’s a small part, or a big part, I would love nothing more. Josie and I have already discussed things and if you want me to walk out of both of your lives then I will, though it would cut me to the core. But that decision is yours and we both respect that whatever you say goes.’
I still hated the fact that they had not told me that Edward – Theo – was my dad, but before I knew these new facts, I had thought he seemed like a really nice man and I was finding it hard to change that view now.
At this point, Beth’s words came back to me. I could either be bitter about everything that had happened and the fact that he’d missed out on so much of my life and I’d missed out on having a father in my life and be miserable, or I could make my peace with the past, and move forward with him in my future. I thought about the lists I’d made and how the pros outweighed the cons and right now, as I looked into my father’s eyes and saw love and sincerity and honesty and affection looking back at me, I made my decision.
* * *
The shrill ringing of my mobile on the bedside table later that evening woke me. I rarely had an early night but was exhausted after all the complications of the day. I looked at the time. It was ten forty-five p.m. I’d only been asleep for an hour. The phone ringing at that time of the night though, nearly always signified bad news. ‘Maddy, Maddy, you have to come to the hospital straight away. It’s Theo!’
‘I’m on my way, Mum.’
‘Hurry, Madison. They think he’s had a heart attack.’
I’d never got dressed so quickly in my life. With hair sticking up everywhere, I threw on a tracksuit, sent Beth a quick text to tell her what had happened and drove like the clappers to the hospital, breaking every speed limit on the way. So much ran through my mind as I pulled up in the A&E car park. I ran through the double doors where Mum was waiting for me and I flung myself into her arms.
‘What happened, Mum?’
‘He collapsed, clutching his chest. They think he might have had a heart attack… he’s being checked over now.’
My own heart was beating so fast, I thought it might burst outside my body. How ironic, if anything happened to Theo now I’d found him and that mum was finally happy. I raised my head to heaven and silently asked everyone in my family who had ever died, to look after Theo and prayed that he wouldn’t be taken away from me now. How I could miss something that I never had was beyond me, yet I felt it to be true.
‘Ms Young?’
‘Yes, that’s me,’ Mum replied, petrified of what this nurse was going to tell her. It was after midnight by now and we were both anxious for news.
‘I just wanted to let you know that Mr Knight has been checked over fully and he’s absolutely fine. It wasn’t a heart attack, thank goodness, it was just indigestion. Would you like to come through and see him?’ She looked at me. ‘And you are?’
‘His daughter, I’m his daughter.’
Mum smiled and took my hand.
‘Can I come too?’
‘Of course, dear. Follow me please, ladies. I believe Mr Knight had curry for his dinner late last night. It would appear that curry doesn’t suit him at all so I would advise against it in the future.’
As we walked into one of the cubicles, there was Theo, sat, looking very sheepish. And so he bloody should. Mum threw her arms around him and looked like she never wanted to let him go. We were both so relieved that he was ok.
‘Has this happened before, Theo?’ Mum quizzed him.
‘Erm, once or twice, to be honest.’
‘You silly man, why didn’t you tell me?’ She took his hand and sat by his bedside as I sat the other side and took his other hand. ‘Wouldn’t it have been better for me to know, rather than to get you blue-lighted in the back of an ambulance?’
‘I’m sorry, darling. I didn’t want to spoil anything by talking about any health problems I had. I’d have felt a bit ridiculous, talking about my dodgy digestive system at such a pivotal
point in our relationship.’ He turned to me. ‘I’m so sorry if I gave you both a scare.’
‘From this moment on, there are to be no secrets, Theo. There’ve been enough secrets to last us a lifetime. Please promise me, no more.’
‘I promise Josie. I promise. No more secrets ever, girls. Perhaps we need a chat about my dodgy bowels at some point.’
Mum smiled through tears and snuggled into his shoulder. ‘I’d be delighted to hear all about them when you’re ready. I do love you, Theo Knight,’ she whispered into his hair. ‘More than you’ll ever know.’
I decided to leave them to have some time to themselves, and went off in search of a coffee for Mum and me. As I turned away from the machine, I literally bumped into a big burly body and the hot coffee went everywhere, including all over my hand.
‘Ow, shit. That’s hot!’ I dropped the cup and the coffee splattered all over the floor.
‘Gosh, I’m so sorry. Let’s get that seen to quickly.’ I’d collided with Dan the physio, and he walked me through to the A&E department and when we reached the reception desk, he leant over and kissed the young nurse on the cheek tenderly.
‘Maria sweetheart, I need your help. I’ve managed to make a tit of myself and spill boiling hot coffee all over this lovely lady. I’ve not made the best impression on her recently, so could you help her out?’
‘Of course Dan, come through into a cubicle and we’ll take a look. Wait here, you lummox.’
Beth would be so disappointed that he was clearly in some sort of relationship with this young lady. You didn’t just call people you knew ‘sweetheart’. I knew that Beth really liked him too. She hadn’t stopped talking about him all the way home from hospital and I knew she was really looking forward to seeing him at her next appointment. She’d sent him a text later that day, thanking him for everything he’d done to help her in their session that morning, and he’d said how much he was looking forward to seeing her again. I did wonder whether I should say something to this Maria. Perhaps she should know that he had given his number out to Beth and I really don’t think it was for medical reasons.
‘My big brother is such an oaf. He’s been a clumsy bugger since we were kids.’ The relief that flooded through me was immense. It was his sister. Beth was safe.
‘I just need to take some details from you: your name, address and date of birth type of stuff.’ When I told her that I lived at Giddywell Grange, she looked up and then looked at the form that she was filling in for me because she’d wrapped my hand in ice. ‘But your name is Madison, not Beth.’
I couldn’t quite work out how she would know Beth and looked at her inquisitively. ‘That’s right, I’m Madison. I live in one of the barns on the farm but Beth is my best friend.’
‘Ah, that explains it. Dan told me he’d met someone that he really liked. He didn’t know what to do about it, because she was his patient. And he mentioned that she lived at Giddywell Grange. He probably shouldn’t have been discussing things like this with GDPR these days.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Bloody GDPR! The world has gone mad; we won’t be able to discuss anything soon. Please don’t say that I’ve mentioned anything, he could get into serious trouble.’
‘I won’t say a word, I promise. I know that she really likes Dan and wouldn’t stop talking about him all the way home from her appointment. I do hope that something develops between them. I know that she’s my best friend and I’ve known her all my life, but she’s the most lovely, kind, generous, beautiful person in the world and any man who gets her is the luckiest man alive.’
‘Well Dan is the same then, but in a male body. Again, I know he’s my older bro, but he’s awesome. He’s come all the way out here tonight to give me a lift home because my car is in the garage. He’d do anything for anyone. I know he can come across as being a bit brash at times but it’s to cover up for the fact that he’s actually quite shy. His army days are behind him now and he might learn that he doesn’t have to act that way. He’s definitely calming down and I would absolutely love to see him settled and happy. Maybe one day he’ll have a family of his own, too. He’s such a wonderful uncle to my two. They love him to bits and he completely adores them and spoils them rotten. In fact that’s probably why they love him to bits.’ She laughed.
I thanked her for treating me, and said that I hoped to see her again and went off in search of Mum and Theo who were apparently all sorted. Theo had been discharged and they were ready for a lift home. What a day this had turned out to be. I dropped Mum and Theo off at her house, kissed them both and drove home. It was three a.m. and I was absolutely shattered. I let Baxter out for a wee in the garden and then we headed straight for bed where he curled up in a ball at my side, licked my hand and started doggy snoring within a minute or two, his feet twitching. I wondered if he was dreaming about running wild in a field having fun.
I’d done lots of thinking about Jamie and had finally made up my mind. I would get in touch with him soon. There was no rush. I smiled and felt that my life was pretty good as I turned out the bedside lamp.
* * *
It was a little weird, going on a ‘dad date’. I think most people thought that he was my sugar daddy, which tickled us both. We wanted to spend time together, and get to know each other better, so two nights ago, Mum, Theo and I all wrote ideas down on pieces of paper, folded them up, put them in a jam jar and shook them up. We agreed that we had to do what came out whether we wanted to or not. Mum pulled out the winning date. Ice-skating. It was random, I know and I hadn’t skated since I’d been at school, but oh, what fun it was. We did ask Mum to join us but she was adamant that she wanted us to spend time together without her. We needed to build a relationship of our own and there would be plenty of time, if things worked out, for us to do things as a threesome in our funny little family. The idea of being part of a family of three was so weird, after all those years of it just being me and mum. But the future was ours for the taking and we could make this into anything we wanted to. We just had to find our own way and not worry about what other people thought.
Theo held out his gloved hand and I placed mine in his as we skated cautiously to start and then with each lap of the rink our confidence started to build. When Theo fell over we laughed so hard that we cried. We weren’t the most elegant ice skaters in the world and we were sure that Torvill and Dean weren’t worried about us taking their title but we should have definitely got eleven out of ten for effort.
We grabbed a hot chocolate from a stand outside the rink and sat on a bench outside huddled together for a bit of heat. I’d forgotten how the cold in the ice rink got right through to your bones and we needed to warm up. We decided to walk back to the car park along the canal. It was a lovely autumn evening and Theo took my hand and tucked it snugly inside his arm as we walked, chatting easily about his life out in Spain and my life over here. What surprised me most was that he said that he’d like to ask Mum out on an official date but didn’t know how she’d feel or how I’d feel.
He knew that they’d grown closer since they’d been back in touch, but wasn’t sure how she’d feel about making it more. And he also needed to know how I would feel about it and if I had any doubts about it at all, then he would take a step back and wouldn’t ask. He said that he wouldn’t do anything that I wasn’t happy about and that the most important thing in the world to him right now was to have a relationship with me. Knowing Mum like I did, I could clearly see that she was besotted by him and I liked the person that she was around him. She was light-hearted, fun and flirty and it was good to see her letting herself go.
It was with my blessing that I told him to go ahead and ask her. I was pretty sure what her answer would be. I knew that it would take time to find our way in our funny little three-way relationship, but we’d get there somehow and there was no rush. We’d waited this long.
When Theo dropped me back at the barn, he jumped out of the car and opened the door for me. He took my hand and looked deep into my eyes.
‘Don’t settle for anything less than the best in your life, Madison. Don’t look back and have regrets. I had a good life, don’t get me wrong, and Jean was a lovely woman, but she wasn’t the person I fell madly in love with and wanted to be with. It makes me so sad that I missed everything about your life but I swear that I will spend the rest of mine, until my dying day, making it up to you. But for you I want the very best; I’d hate you to settle for something less than you deserve. And you deserve the world.’
An image of Alex flashed into my head and I pushed it away. I tried to picture Jamie instead, but I couldn’t picture what he looked like right at that very moment.
‘I’m sorry that I’m a bit of a mess right now, Theo. This redundancy business has hit me harder than I ever thought it would. I have to be honest with you, I’ve gone through my life, pushing myself as hard as I could. I never thought for one minute really that I’d ever meet you, but I wanted to make sure that if I did, I’d be a successful businesswoman that you’d be impressed by and want to know. It was really important to me and I think somewhere along the way, I forgot to be myself.’
‘But look at you, darling. You are beautiful, you are bright, you are kind, and you are everything I could ever want a daughter to be. I never thought I’d get the opportunity to meet you either. I felt like I gave up the right to meet you when I decided to stay with Jean, but when she died, she told me that I had to make my peace with you and try my hardest to find you if it was the last thing I did.
‘I wish you could see what I see. I see a person who is beautiful inside and out, someone who is kind and generous and who is helping out her best friend, and who wants her mum to be happy. Someone who is good and genuine and has a huge heart and someone who is giving a silly old man like me a chance to get to know her and to maybe have a second chance in her life.