Jade

by Sarah Jayne Carr

  It took a few minutes, but I broke down our conversation barricade and leaned over his right shoulder, “Earlier today, you said something.”

  He groaned. “Your mouth smells like old bug spray, and I’ve said a lot of things,” he replied, bouncing me up his back a few inches to adjust his grip.

  I skipped over his insult and continued to slur, “You said you’ve heard stuff around town about me. What… stuff?” Fear zinged through my chest while Valiant supplied me with enough nerve to ask the question. In the past twenty-four hours, I’d learned Annelies was my sister, my father had a twenty-plus year affair, and at least one person knew my identity on Zack’s tape. There was no telling what truth or lies Seth knew.

  He drew a deep breath. “Nothing nearly as wild as what you’ve heard about me.”

  I encouraged him.

  He took his time before responding. “Number one, you’re a recovering alcoholic.”

  “Uh huh.” I tasted stale vodka on my tongue and frowned. “And?”

  “Number two, you’re a stick in the mud.”

  “I am not a…” I swallowed. “Number three?”

  “Your mom’s kinda nutty.”

  “Number four?”

  “Number four, I’d believe numbers one and two were true if you didn’t tell me the story about what happened with Bo. Number three I witnessed firsthand.”

  “That’s it?” I asked.

  “You sound disappointed. Is there more?”

  I stammered, “N… no. It’s just—”

  “Sorry. No link to the mob, teacher scandals, or porn profession for you.”

  The last item on his list left me releasing tension from my shoulders.

  He continued, “But there was one other thing.”

  The stiffness in my body immediately boomeranged. “Oh?”

  “You didn’t buy your house; you won it in a hand of blackjack.”

  I relaxed against him again and patted the firmness of his chest three times, once with each word. “Definitely not true.”

  “No surprise there. If—”

  “It was poker.”

  He stopped and turned his head an inch toward my face. “Seriously?”

  “Uh huh.” It took hardcore concentration to enunciate correctly. “Gina Watson, the naturopath who owned the house before me, hosted a game night every week for healthcare locals. After a while, Dr. Watson decided to retire and move to Mercer Island. Before she left, for fun, she held a tournament with her house as top prize if someone could beat her.” I proudly added, “Long story short, my four of a kind trumped the doctor’s full house.”

  His response took much longer than expected. “Who does that? For fun. With their house?” he said.

  “I guess Dr. Watson. But it came at a price for me.”

  “Firstborn child or sacrificial virgin?”

  “Neither.” I laughed. “She felt strongly about naturopathic remedies staying in Cannon Cove, so I had to agree to continue practicing massage here for at least three years. The long countdown ended to keep that promise three months ago.”

  “Countdown? Does that mean you’re leaving town?”

  “Hey!” another male voice said.

  We’d almost reached the fire, and once again, Eli spotted me. His jaw clenched hard as he approached. “What happened to you?”

  “I…” The sound of his voice played loudly in my mind.

  “You are so fucking hot on that video.”

  “Trust me, I’ve thought about it. Hard. All day long.”

  “You could be part of my historic sendoff.”

  Seth intervened. “Nothing. Just took a spill in the ocean.”

  Eli’s eyes lingered on my chest. “You look miserable. Let me drive you home to get some dry clothes.”

  “I’ve got it under control,” Seth said. “Enjoy your party.”

  “You sure?” Eli challenged. “Jade, wouldn’t you rather I take—”

  “Again, I’ve got it under control,” Seth growled.

  Eli smirked and jutted his chin. “I’ll bet you do.”

  I caught Sienna staring at us with questioning eyes from near the fire. She raised the middle finger on her right hand and mouthed, “What the fuck?”

  I squirmed. “Put me down.”

  “Okay… hang on a sec,” Seth said.

  I wriggled harder. “No. Now. Please?”

  Seth carefully lowered me to the ground. It took my feet time to understand the sand was firm while I felt like a buoy bobbing out in the ocean.

  “What’s going on?” Seth asked.

  “Uh… Sienna’s watching,” I hissed.

  “Got it.” He replied to her finger gesture by flipping her the bird with both hands. “Who cares?”

  “Don’t do that!” I said louder. “And what do you mean ‘who cares’? I care!”

  “See? Jade cares. It’s settled,” Eli said, “I’ll run her home.”

  Seth’s eyes sparked and he took a step forward toward Eli. “How many times do I need to tell you to back the fuck off?”

  Nervous energy snuck across my skin while I stood between the two men. Being drunk, confused, and cold made my head foggier. Even without vodka, I knew I shouldn’t leave with Eli, but the solid reminder of Seth’s girlfriend surveying us from afar screamed for me to run. History repeated itself in a much different way. It was like I knelt on the edge of that cliff at Jamison Beach all over again with two choices. Leaving with Eli was like jumping those thirty-five feet to my death. Zero safety. Leaving with Seth meant navigating emotional switchbacks where I had to be careful, refusing to slip… or else I could fall. The more we were together, that margin for error narrowed— on my end. It bothered me. Without a third option, I made my decision to be careful, knowing I’d need to explain to Sienna later. “Let’s go.”

  On the way to the parking lot, I held onto Seth’s arm for support and questioned my choice the entire way.

  “You’re quiet,” he said.

  “I’m just…”

  “Intoxidrunk?” he finished and opened the driver’s side door, reaching for his console until a jingle sounded.

  “You leave keys in your truck? Won’t someone steal it?”

  “Let ‘em.” He lifted the tonneau cover.

  His odd reply went unnoticed when I saw the semi-dark space.

  Seth hopped up onto the tailgate and slid three square bins out of the way like a game of Tetris and reached for a fourth.

  I watched him unclip the plastic lid. “Is this all of your stuff?”

  “Don’t worry about it,” he replied, tossing a pair of sweatpants and a shirt toward me. “These are too big, but they’re better than freezing to death.”

  I caught the weighted clothing in my hands and stared at him.

  “Well? Put them on,” he said.

  I blinked and walked to the passenger side of the truck, struggling to crawl into the warmth of the fleece in private before I wriggled out of my wet shirt from beneath. The sleeves hung four inches past my fingertips while the zippered bottom hit halfway between my waist and knees. After I peeled off my jeans, I had to cuff his pants three times and cinch the waist.

  The world still spun harder, and I swore off vodka again. Tomorrow will be my new day one. “Are you… living out of your truck?” I walked back to the driver’s side and froze, catching him shirtless. The tattoo on his back stood out under the moonlight, amplifying its sorrow.

  He turned toward me, defined muscles fully in view. “You don’t let up, do you?”

  “Nope.”

  “Let’s just say my change of address hasn’t been confirmed yet.” He shoved his arms through the sleeves of a sweatshirt.

  “There’s a form down at the post office
for that, you know.”

  “It’s not that simple,” he muttered.

  I caught him staring at the lopsided penis keyed on the side of the truck with a frown.

  “What are you thinking right now?” I crossed my arms and shivered.

  He shrugged.

  “Right here,” I tapped the tiny two-dimensional testicles carved into the gray polyurethane with my index finger, “this doesn’t depict you.”

  His forehead crinkled. “Uhh… Thanks?”

  Depict? Real smooth, Jade. I think you just implied the size of his balls. “Okay. It sounded much better in my head, but I’m marinating in vodka. Lemme try again… what I mean is… whatever this,” I motioned at the key marks and then the spray-painted HISTORY LIVES next, “and this represents…” I stopped and focused, aiming to salvage my speech by being concise. “Your past doesn’t define you.”

  “Great pep talk.” He nodded toward the door, doubt sounding heavy in his voice, “Get in.”

  As we drove away from the beach a few minutes later, Seth positioned the heat vents to point my direction and turned the knob too high. A blast of hot air thawed my feet and face.

  “Thanks,” I said quietly, watching the blip of bonfire disappear behind the hills of sand.

  “Are you going to tell me what made you dive balls-deep in vodka yet?”

  “Balls-deep. Thanks for bringing up my failed attempt at wording back there.”

  “Anytime. Why tonight?” he asked. “You didn’t know Bo ghosted until you got here. By the looks of that bottle back on the beach, you were already smashed.”

  “I didn’t dive balls-deep. I only had…” I closed one eye and counted on my fingers, quickly losing track. “The amount’s not important. I can pass any field sober… sobriety test.”

  “Sure thing, boozehound.”

  “I can!”

  After two miles of quiet, he pulled the truck over on the side of the deserted road in the dark. Dunes stretched to the ocean on our left and tall reeds stuck up from the sand on our right.

  “What are you doing?” I raised an eyebrow.

  He turned off the headlights. The leather seat creaked when he adjusted his posture to face me before unlocking the doors. “Get out.”

  “Why? Because I didn’t tell you the catalyst in my drinking tonight?”

  “Nope. Out.”

  My jaw slowly fell. “Are you being serious right now?”

  “Dead serious.”

  Resentment poured through me. I pursed my lips and successfully unbuckled my seatbelt on the third try. “Maybe you should tell a girl in advance when you’re going to be a dick giblet next time.” I yanked on the door handle and got out, forgetting the considerable distance down to the ground. My rear hit the dirt with a solid thud when my knees forgot to lock and my legs crumpled like paper. “Ouch.” I grumbled and got up to slam the door before he had a chance to notice. Tote bag on shoulder, I stood there, waiting for him to take off.

  Waiting.

  Waiting.

  It didn’t happen. Instead, he killed the engine, got out, and walked over to me.

  “What now?” I huffed.

  He crossed his arms and leaned against the passenger door with a smirk firmly planted on his face.

  “Well? Do it.” I made a motion with my hand. “Go.”

  He let out a long breath through his nose before taking a few steps and reaching for my hands.

  I instinctively pulled back. “What—”

  “For the second time tonight, I’m proving you’re not as invincible as you think.” With more authority and determination, he grabbed my wrists, adjusting my arms until they were straight out on either side of me, much like how I’d stood in waist-deep water. “And you’re wrong. I can be an ass, but I’m not a dick giblet.”

  I pursed my lips.

  “Stand up straight, keep your feet together, and look up at the sky. Close your eyes and tell me when thirty seconds is up. If you can do it, I’ll admit you’re not intoxidrunk.”

  “I didn’t mean for you to actually give me a sobriety test,” I muttered.

  “Is that panic I hear in your voice?”

  I shook my head. “Not at all.”

  “Good.” He arched an eyebrow and didn’t back down.

  Fine. I’ll show you. “No problem.” I stared up at the star-filled sky before closing my eyes with a patronizing sigh.

  The inner sole of Seth’s tennis shoe greeted my sandal, pushing my right foot toward the left. “Feet together. Remember? Count.” The breeze hit just right, making his aftershave invade my senses again, and I fought to pace my breathing.

  “One…two…” I carefully worked my way through each number. The world pitched, but I steadied myself and focused on keeping my feet still, confident I succeeded. “Thirty. Happy now?”

  He shook his head and laughed when I opened my eyes.

  “What?”

  “Admit it, wobbles. You’re blitzed. It’s been almost three minutes, you said twenty-seven twice, and I lost track of how many times you rocked back and forth on your heels like one of those weighted toy clowns. Get back in the truck.”

  I scowled and climbed into the passenger side when he opened the door for me.

  Seth didn’t shut it right away. “I’ve met two versions of you, and they’re both in a power struggle.” His notorious stare grabbed for my soul again. “Isn’t that exhausting?”

  I blinked and fought the instant tears he’d produced.

  “Who’s the real Jade Nash?”

  “I already told you why I try to keep the real Jade Nash locked up. It’s safer for everyone that way.”

  “Safer for everyone but you.” The truck hushed when he shut my door with a soft click.

  His statement stung like citrus in a paper cut, but I didn’t know if he realized my self-inflicted wound sliced so deep. I, too, questioned my own identity over the past week. Those tiny pieces of Jade I recently freed for a few seconds made me feel alive again and like I could breathe. Keeping the real me boxed up hardly seemed worthwhile anymore. I had an irrational rationale— Bo had something taken away from him, so I should, too. Fair was fair. What wasn’t fair? An outsider, someone who barely knew me, called me out so hard and fast.

  After Seth pulled away from the roadside and I coaxed myself back into the present, he switched on the radio and clicked the knob until it settled on a ‘90s station playing Garbage’s Only Happy When It Rains.

  “You don’t have to do that. I know you don’t like music.”

  “No. You earned it by letting me prove you wrong with your epic roadside fail.”

  I bit my lip and refused to acknowledge defeat, so I changed subjects. “Haven’t you ever wanted to escape everything? To get so lost you can’t even find yourself?”

  “You mean run away?”

  “But I’m not running,” I said quickly.

  He shot me a look. “Sure sounds like you are. Maybe it’s because of what happened with Bo or the messed-up family stuff you mentioned this afternoon. Maybe something else. I wouldn’t know.”

  “You wouldn’t know?” I felt my blood pressure flare. “I’m calling you out right there, McCullough. You ditched Lucy without a word, and you vanish around here all the time like Houdini. I have the napkin as proof.”

  His head lolled to the right as he gave me a brief glance. “I meant, I wouldn’t know because I’m not you.”

  “Sounds like you’re trying to outrun something yourself,” I muttered.

  We pulled up at a stoplight, and I stared out the passenger window at the lights near K-7. People entered and exited the busy bar as we drove past. “She’s pretty.”

  “Who?” he asked.

  “Lucy.”

  “She is. And she kn
ows it. That girl uses her looks as a weapon to get whatever she wants.”

  “Does it work?”

  He thought for a minute. “Most of the time. Combined with her job on those sex cruises, she has men lined up for miles after they dock.”

  My eyes widened. “And you don’t have a problem with that?”

  “With what?”

  “You know… her and all those guys?”

  “Should I?”

  “It doesn’t bother you when she’s out there shacking up?”

  “No. Peace and quiet at home was a nice change.” He laughed. “Besides, her job is her business. Just like she doesn’t ask what I do at the aquatics center. Neither of us bring up work at home— mutual understanding.”

  I mouthed my surprise at the window.

  Halfway through Natalie Merchant’s Jealousy, he took rein of changing topics. “You never said how it ended.”

  “How what ended?” I watched the lights on the storefronts blur into colorful streaks as we drove by.

  “The accident. With Bo? I understand the wheelchair, but what about the rest between you two?”

  I tilted my head to the right and against the cold glass. “He doesn’t remember any of that night, and I’ll never bring up what he told me. Like it never happened.”

  “But it did happen,” Seth said.

  “Not if I pretend hard enough sometimes.” I glanced at him and back out the window as he made a right turn onto McCaleb Avenue.

  “You can’t outrun the tide—”

  I pointed through a gap in the spray-painted letters on the windshield. “Look!”

  “What?” he asked in a panic and slammed on the brakes.

  “Chinese!” I clapped my hands together when I saw my favorite restaurant ahead on the right. “Let’s go! Please?”

  “Maybe tone it down a little next time so I don’t think we’re going to crash.” Seth relaxed his shoulders and his foot from the brake pedal. “You’re a little too vodka-y for public.”

  “I am not!” I paused and noticed he didn’t slow from the speed limit, so I found myself begging. “Come on. Haven’t you ever wanted a greasy burger or tacos after drinking too much?”