I Don't Want to Be an Empath Anymore

by Ora North

  Once we’ve worked with your shadow self and your childhood wounds, we’ll talk about all the emotions you experience all the time. Emotions are simply energetic messages, and you’re going to learn how to energetically identify and track your emotions, as well as translate the messages they bring. You’ll use your intuition to work with those energies in a new and healing way. And because you’ll be able to identify the energies of your own emotions, you will always be able to differentiate between your own emotions and the emotions of others.

  You’ll also use these tools when we look into boundaries and relationships. I’ll show you a game-changing trick for creating amazing boundaries, and you’ll learn how to work with your boundaries in a way that protects you from the bad stuff but also leaves you open for the good stuff. These tools will help when you look into the different dynamics an empath faces in relationships. Identifying emotional and energetic patterns in relationships will make your life easier, because you’ll know what to do to honor yourself.

  Often in this process of emotional shadow work, some latent trauma and past sorrows will come up as you explore yourself and your shadow side. This is normal. I’ll show you how to deal with the trauma that comes up, and I’ll also encourage you to seek support for that trauma when it feels like it’s too much. One of our goals is to turn your sorrows into treasures, and to do that, we’ll approach your sorrows in a helpful, new way. There are always obstacles in our path when we’re trying to accomplish something big and life-changing, and this process is no different. I’ll show you some obstacles you may face, and I swear they’re the same obstacles I’ve faced myself, the same obstacles that so many empaths have faced. No one is immune to obstacles, but we can choose how to handle them.

  I will give you tools to assist you in cleansing your energy, tools you can use for the rest of your life. If you’re new to working with energy, Energetics 101 in the resource section will introduce you to how energetics work. You’ll also find Energetic Clearing Tools in the resource section. You’ll be able to employ a variety of techniques to create space for yourself, cleanse yourself of everyone else’s energy, and get to know the most important person in this process: you!

  When you and others do this work, each person will come away with something a little bit different. I offer many different tools and approaches in the coming chapters, and each one will hit you in a unique way. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and I want to give you multiple ways to approach, befriend, and heal the hidden parts of yourself. I know how difficult it is to be an empath, especially an overwhelmed empath. I know what’s at stake, and how each experience with each empath tells a beautifully complex story, so I’m here to give you a tool belt so you can use whatever tools work best with your own process. What you need to make this work successful is your curiosity—your willingness to see yourself in your shadows and how they might help you.

  As I’ve written this book, I’ve imagined you. I’ve imagined where you might be as you’re reading this—what’s going on in your life, what your goals are. I’ve cried as I’ve imagined the pain you’ve lived through as an overwhelmed empath. I’ve rejoiced as I’ve imagined the beauty of your life purpose. All of this has been for you. More than anything, I want you to be able to live your life as an empowered empath, doing what you came to this planet to do.

  Do the Work

  Throughout the book, you will find exercises and writing prompts. Recording your thoughts and responses is a great way to open the door to your own healing and self-discovery. This book relies heavily on the practice of journaling, so I encourage you to get a journal for these practices (more on that below). I also understand that some people aren’t really the journaling type, and that’s okay too. If that’s you, I encourage you to use your phone or other recording device to speak your thoughts openly for each exercise and writing prompt. You can then refer back to your own words as you process deeper. As long as you’re taking the time and space for each activity, it will have a huge impact.

  Choose a Journal

  If you decide to use a journal, find one that’s your favorite color, or one that has a cover design that you love. If you love the way your journal looks, you’ll be more likely to use it. Also get the kind of pens or pencils that you like. If you’re like me, using a specific brand of pen makes writing more enjoyable for you. No matter what kind of journal and pen you like, setting aside time for reading and journaling your experiences is going to make this work even more powerful.

  Chapter 1:

  What the Hell Is an Empath?

  The root feeling of empathy is most often pain. Emotional pain is usually the first indication for an empath that something strange is happening. For whatever reason, for many empaths, pain and negative emotions are sensed more strongly and more easily than joy and positive emotions. It’s not that we don’t sense joy and positive emotions, but joy doesn’t energetically grasp at us in the same way. Joy doesn’t desperately grapple for compassion the way that suffering does. Joy radiates and spreads gently and warmly, like a swift sunrise over a soft meadow. Pain, on the other hand, stabs the lungs like falling into cold water. When another being is suffering, it’s like their energy is calling out to the void from the freezing waters, reaching for a hand that could pull them to safety. Empaths feel that call more than anything else.

  I was once at an event with a friend of mine, another spiritual-type person. She had just introduced me to another woman in the community. As I spoke with this woman, I was shocked by how heartbroken I felt. I had the visual of her heart being filled with broken shards of glass, and the shards seemed to pierce my own heart, even as we engaged in pleasant conversation.

  As she walked away, I clutched my chest and said to my friend, “Wow. Her heart is so heavy and sad.”

  My friend told me that the woman was going through a divorce, but added scornfully, “You’re so negative all the time.”

  Her icy and disapproving tone shocked me, though this wasn’t the first time I’d felt judged for my empathic leanings. I couldn’t help that I was feeling the heartbreak of that woman. I couldn’t help that my own heart ached from a story I wasn’t even a part of.

  My friend’s reaction to my empathy hurt. As she described her dislike of my negativity, I felt myself build an emotional wall between us, and our friendship was never the same. I felt an overwhelming amount of isolation, all because I had been emotionally connected to a stranger.

  Herein lies the paradox of empathy: being connected to the emotions of others leaves an empath incredibly isolated. There is a deep well of loneliness that comes with the ability to tap into the pulse of everyone’s emotions. Your own emotions are often left buried and unseen, especially since, for someone to truly see you and see your pain, they would also have to see you seeing the pain of everyone else. That’s a tall order for any human being.

  The pain of being unseen as an empath is overwhelming and disruptive. These kinds of experiences leave us feeling like being an empath is something we’ve been cursed with. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can take that pain and learn how to turn your curse into a blessing. But to do that, we first need to understand what exactly an empath is and how your empath nature manifests in your life. Once you can see the common patterns that emerge as a result of the wounds of being highly sensitive, once you embrace the pain of your experience, you can then take that awareness and turn it toward self-empowerment. By understanding the curse of being an empath, you can work with your pain and turn it into a blessing.

  Empath Nature 101

  “Empath” is a term that has been gaining popularity. In a world where our feelings are more important than ever, and our society bites back at the need for vulnerability, sensitive souls have rallied around the experience of being an empath. In its most simplistic terms, an empath is someone who feels the emotions of others, someone whose identity is emotionally interwoven with others. While empathy itself c
an be a learned skill on a spectrum, an empath is born with those skills. You are either an empath or you’re not, and if you’re reading this book, I’m going to assume that you definitely are. Here are some of the common signs of being an empath:

  You experience sensitivity toward other people.

  You have the ability to feel the emotions of others without being told.

  You experience strange pains in the body that may mimic the pain of another.

  You feel extreme sensitivity to violence, gore, and cruelty.

  You are a healer or an aspiring healer.

  You know things about people before being told.

  You have strong emotional reactions (good or bad) to music, movies, books, and other things.

  You have a natural ability for working with children and animals. They are drawn to you.

  People tend to share their secrets with you for no reason, even if they don’t know you.

  You’re drawn to nature.

  You can physically feel energy.

  You experience bouts of rage or tears that may or may not be your own.

  You have accurate dreams about the past or future of a person.

  You are sensitive to food and your environment. You may have food allergies or chemical sensitivities.

  You are easily overwhelmed in crowds.

  Though the empath has often been credited as a divine being with supernatural powers, it’s actually quite common. The gap between the divine and the mundane is not as wide as one would think. It’s more like a messy overlap of varying degrees than a gap, really. More of us have stuck our hands in the cosmic cookie jar than we even realize.

  What could possibly be normal about feeling the emotions of others? Well, human beings are creatures who live and make choices based on their emotions. What feels good and what doesn’t feel good are basic driving forces of the human life. Change is created through emotion in action. (How many times have you made a decision based on what your emotions were telling you?) Empaths are simply people with the natural ability to feel much more emotion and energy than others, even extending past their own lives and experiences. They cannot only feel how their own life has changed based on their emotions, but they can feel how others make choices based on emotions as well. I might even argue that a conscious empath could create more change in the world than anyone else, because they would have a working understanding of how people operate and what motivates them.

  Stuck in the Service Role

  If you look at the list of signs above, you may notice that most of them are related to other people. This makes sense, as we often define our empath nature by how we experience the emotions of others and how we internalize what is outside of ourselves. Our ability to deeply feel the experiences and feelings of other people is technically what makes us empaths. This naturally puts us in the position to be wonderful healers, teachers, counselors, mothers, and caretakers, because we understand how other people are feeling better than anyone else.

  However, because of our natural tendency toward caring for others, the label “empath” has been idealized as a steward of the world, an expression of divine service, a holy badge of honor. It is known to be the ultimate sacred sacrifice, to live for others. To feel what they’re feeling so you can give them what they need. To put their needs above your own. This is partially true. We all know this. Being of service to others is truly a beautiful gift to the world.

  But while it’s true that being of service is a necessary role for the world, it also comes with its own dangers for the empath. The trouble with the view of the empath as the servant is that the reference points of our entire identities are placed within the emotions of others as a result. This would mean that your purpose only exists inside of other people and their expectations and feelings. Anytime you find that your identity is built on the feelings of others, you will probably find yourself on some shaky ground. The more we identify ourselves as empaths through our experiences with others rather than our experience with ourselves, the more we give away our personal power, both consciously and unconsciously.

  We literally define ourselves through others when we speak of empaths. We pigeonhole ourselves into a service role where we lack autonomy, self-empowerment, and freedom of choice. Can you think of situations in your own life where your purpose has been decided by how someone else feels about your role in their life?

  When we define ourselves through others, even with Mother-Teresa-like intentions, we are at the mercy of the tides of emotions that aren’t even our own. If you are an empathic mother, you might find yourself deciding your value based on the actions and attitudes of your children, which is guaranteed to disappoint you at times. If you are an empathic healer, you might find yourself swinging wildly between the highs and lows of your clients’ healing, losing your own center in the process. If you are in a committed relationship, the quality of your life may be decided by however your partner feels about you in that moment.

  To be fair, we all rely on others to decide the quality of our lives in some way. We all are deeply affected by the emotions of others, and that’s normal and healthy. All the best relationships are a constant conversation about shifting emotions. However, when we hold the emotions of others responsible for our own happiness, or decide the usefulness of ourselves based on what we can give others emotionally, we screw ourselves over in the process. Not only do we end up unconsciously holding other people hostage emotionally, but we become miserable martyrs in the process. You may find yourself keeping a mental tally of all the times you’ve set yourself aside to meet the emotional needs of others, waiting for the moment they will even the score by being of service to you in the same way. When the people we rely on are not delivering our happiness, when they’re not evening the score, that’s when the resentment starts to build.

  But look at everything I’m doing for them! Look at everything I’m sacrificing for them! They should do the same. Why aren’t they doing the same?! How did I end up here?!

  If that sounds like you in some of your relationships, don’t feel bad. I’ve said those things countless times about countless people. (And I’m a Leo, so I’ve been really dramatic about it.) The weird thing about empathy is that it can turn on you. The more you remain in service to others, while secretly hoping for them to return the favor by being in service to you as well, the more you let the beauty of your empathy rot away in your chest. Sacrificing your own personal journey for the sake of others, waiting for someone to do the same for you, isn’t the holy badge of honor that it’s made out to be.

  There is nothing sacred about losing yourself disguised as a holy mission.

  In my first two years of working as a shamanic healer, it was strange to feel how easy it was to tap into the pain and the beauty of my clients during soul retrieval sessions. I loved journeying for them and finding their lost inner children. I loved bringing them back for integration and experiencing the wholeness of their being. It came naturally, and I was blessed and grateful for the chance to connect with others in such an intimate way, despite the pain I often felt during a session.

  At the same time, however, I was really buying into my label as a “healer” and what that was supposed to mean about me. Healers were supposed to be Zen. Healers were not supposed to be damaged or angry. They weren’t supposed to be feeling pain as often as I was. They weren’t supposed to be so intense and moody like I was. Healers were supposed to be living examples of drama-free perfection.

  Because of what I thought I was supposed to be, I pushed away years of pain, thinking it was the right thing to do for my clients and for the world, the spiritual thing to do. I focused only the positive and pushed away my own darkness. Eventually, I found myself jealous of my own clients. I relied on them for my own healing and was disappointed when it didn’t happen that way. Why do they get healing and I don’t? Why can’t I be seen like that? Why can’t I be h
ealed too? Even though I was genuinely helping others, I became so bitter and so unsatisfied that I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I’d become a slave and a martyr to the “healer” role, thinking that living for others would be enough for me.

  I had what I call my “screw it” moment. I got real honest about myself and what I needed. I acknowledged that I had years of hurt inside my bones. My cells remembered. I could not and would not wrap up my hurt, put a pretty Zen-master bow on it, and give it away to the world as “a gift.”

  I was not and am not a sacrificial lamb.

  Neither are you.

  Have you reached your “screw it” moment? Have you been pushing your pain away for years, just waiting for someone to give you the same kind of love that you give everyone else? Have you been craving the same kind of healing and presence that you so often provide for others? More than that, are you ready to do the “selfish” thing and let go of your servant’s role so you can discover what it truly means to be alive in this world as an empath?

  For me, that meant that I stopped working with clients for two full years, vowing only to work with myself until my own needs were met and my cup was full again. I quit my servant’s role so I could figure out how to be an empath without losing myself in others or without deciding my own worth based on what I could do for them. What will this mean for you? What does it look like to step away from that role, even a little bit? At the end of this chapter, you’ll have the opportunity to journal about your roles and how it feels to pull away from them.

  The truth is that you cannot truly be of lasting service to others until you are in service to yourself. The true gift of being an empath is not in your connection to others, but in your connection to yourself as a powerful and liberated force of nature. You have the power to fill your own cup and meet your own needs.