The Dangerous Adventures of Jeep Muldoon!

by Matt Musson

  That made us all stop and think.

  “That’s true,” Shad agreed thoughtfully. “And you know what? When Werner Von Braun was our age he was still hoeing turnips on his Dad’s farm in Wirsitz. That’s from ‘The Race for Rockets’ – a History Channel production,” He added.

  “Well I think this calls for a celebration,” announced Charlie. “So, as President of the Rangers, I move that we go down to Darby’s, eat all the ice cream we can stand, and charge it off to the club!”

  “Second!” shouted Freddie.

  Shad pretended he was too surprised to ‘second’ the motion, but we were pretty sure he let Freddie win this one. And smiles replaced frowns, even for ‘slow poke’ Freddie Dunkleberger.

  And, that was a red letter day in the history of the Granite Falls Rangers. That was the day we officially became Rocket Scientists and ate ice cream until we almost puked. And, Club President Charlie Sinclair rode his bicycle sixty-seven miles per hour in a forty-five mile per hour zone - without going to jail. And, we put the Rocket Bike safely away in mothballs.

  But, even though we did not realize it at the time, events were already in motion that would lead to a ‘Return of the Rocket Bike’. We would soon use those extra combustion chambers we had squirreled away. And, ‘Slow Poke Freddie’ would eventually get his chance to become ‘Freddie the Rocket Boy’.

  But, that is a story for another day.

  **********

  Santa Clause Comes to Granite Falls

  Back when I was in the fifth grade, a classmate told me that Boo Yoder had one blue eye and one green eye. My 10 year old companion swore up and down that he spotted the mismatched orbs while Boo was driving down Main Street on his mint condition 1934 Indian ‘Chief' motorcycle – the one with the gleaming Warbonnet Red and Yellow paint job.

  Of course, I refused to believe the blue eyed green eyed story. It's not that I couldn't accept that Boo might have different colored eyes. It's just that I couldn't believe that Boo Yoder was driving down Main Street without his Ray bans on. In my whole life, I have never met anybody - that I trusted - who recalls ever seeing Boo Yoder barefaced. In day or night or wind, rain and snow, those extra dark sunglasses are as much a part of the 6'2” Granite Falls native as his ripped muscles, his chiseled jaw and his razor edged flat top haircut.

  Did I mention that Boo Yoder looks like one of those buff pilots from that volleyball scene in ‘Top Gun'?

  Now, I have often seen the eyes of Cowboy: Boo's faithful Australian shepherd. Unlike his owner, Cowboy rarely wears dark glasses. Cowboy’s peepers (both frosted blue) compliment the red bandana that flaps wildly whenever he rides shotgun in the antique Indian's sidecar.

  Boo is the third generation of Yoders to run the family junk business here in Granite Falls. Boo's Grandfather, ‘Big Bob' Yoder, returned from WWII to open a small Army and Navy surplus store on the outskirts of town. Boo's dad, ‘Little Bob' Yoder, took over and ran the enterprise for thirty years, expanding it with Cold War surplus and a few choice cast offs from the Apollo space program.

  Now that Boo is in charge, he has used the Internet to expand Yoder Salvage into a global enterprise. He buys and sells surplus items from around the world. So, if you are looking for Israeli made rare earth magnets or surplus Russian Geiger counters, Boo is the man to see. He will even special order products for his favorite customers. That is why, when the Rangers were in the market for a parachute harness, a hand held altimeter and a dozen extra large tanks of Helium, we immediately thought of Boo Yoder and Cowboy.

  As it turned out, Boo had parachute harnesses and altimeters on the yard. We took them with us the day we presented him with our list. And, within a week Boo delivered the Helium tanks directly to our secret backup clubhouse: the Bat Cave. He brought them over in the ‘Green Mamba', a fully restored 1952 M37 Weapons Carrier. Cowboy rode ‘head out the window' on the passenger side of the olive drab ¾ ton 4 by 4 that Boo calls ‘the original Super duty pickup'.

  Boo and Cowboy are the only non-club members we trust with the knowledge of the Bat Cave in unit 007 at Martin Stoney’s U-Store It. That is because Boo is a rare character who would rather mind his own business than someone else's. And, Cowboy is a dog who knows how to keep a secret.

  On the same day the helium arrived, the local UPS depot received several unmarked crates filled with latex balloons and two giant brown cardboard boxes from the Circle City Costume Company of Indianapolis, Indiana. These packages were marked for delivery to Yoder Salvage Company. And, they too, were delivered to the Bat Cave by our Ray ban sporting friend.

  We did our best to collect everything necessary for our latest adventure without leaving an obvious trail leading back to the Granite Falls Rangers. Because, when the balloon went up on Project K for Kringle there was likely to be plenty of fallout hitting the fan. We were doing our best not to get splattered by it.

  **********

  Every year on the first Saturday in December, Granite Falls hosts its annual Christmas parade. Main Street is filled with the middle school marching band and colorful floats covered with pretty girls in prom dresses. And, anybody who wants to participate in the procession can just show up that morning and get in line.

  Last year the Rangers decorated our electric golf cart with a Giant Hershey's Kiss on top. Toby and I drove while the rest of the club, wearing reindeer horns and blinking red noses, rode on a small hay wagon attached to the back. We threw peppermint candy to all the kids along the route and of course chocolate ‘Kisses' to all the girls.

  Right behind us came my favorite part of the procession: the parade of tractors. Farmers from all over Caldwell County showed up on their shined up and decked out iron horses to compete against each other in categories like ‘Biggest Tires', ‘Ugliest Tractor' and ‘Most Likely to give up the Ghost'.

  At the tail of the parade, the finale is always a wagon pulled by a big red Farmall covered in Christmas ornaments. In the back of the wagon, on a built up pile of hay bales, rides the Grand Marshal of the Granite Falls Christmas Parade, none other than Santa Claus. Santa waves to the crowd as he makes his way along the parade route. And when the jolly old elf finally arrives at town square, he hops off the wagon and takes his place on a huge red chair in the middle of the Band Pavilion. Once he’s set, he invites the small children of Granite Falls to climb up into Santa's lap and tell him what they want for Christmas.

  At least that's what they used to do.

  However, three years ago local businessman Horace Killjoy was elected Mayor of Granite Falls. And one of the Mayor's traditional duties is to portray Santa in the annual Christmas parade. Unfortunately, Mayor Killjoy does not share Santa's affection for small children. In fact, I think he is afraid of them. So, the last two years, instead of allowing those small citizens the opportunity hop up and tell Santa their dreams for Noel, the Mayor has the children herded into a semi-circle around the Pavilion. Then, in place of Christmas fun and Yuletide joy, the children receive a 30 minute speech on ‘Good Citizenship and Personal Responsibility'.

  Clearly, this was an affront to the Holiday season. Mayor Killjoy had to be stopped and the true spirit of Christmas had to be restored. And, the Granite Falls Rangers were just the team for the job!

  **********

  When the first Saturday in December rolled around this year, it was a crisp clean morning with a sun so bright, it made you squint. But, you did not want to close your eyes completely or you might miss the incredible corn flower blue sky on this Chamber of Commerce brochure-type day.

  The citizens of Granite Falls may have realized that Mayor Killjoy was going to rain on their Christmas parade. However, that did not stop them from coming out in force to wave at the float riders, catch candy and reminisce about great parades of yester year.

  The Falls City had gone all out for the parade again this season. There were a total of nine different floats (ten if you counted the local brownie troop riding on a trailered bass boat). In ad
dition, there were two blocks worth of tractors including Fords, Farmalls and shiny green John Deeres. Plus, downtown stores were decorated for the season. Lights and artificial holly hung from old wrought iron lamp posts. Loud speakers broadcast Christmas carols. And, the park benches around the town square were decorated with bunches of huge helium filled balloons, which somehow just appeared overnight.

  New among the marchers in this year’s parade, behind the tractor motorcade and ahead of the marching band, was a group of six festively clad Christmas elves. The elves marched down the street in satin and velvet outfits with shiny red pointed shoes and belled Christmas hats. Red Zorro-like masks covered their faces. And, as the mysterious elves marched along towards town square, they waved at the crowd and pushed a giant Christmas present on wheels, all wrapped up in sparkling paper and topped with a huge velvet bow.

  Since Granite Falls is a small town, it did not take long for the parade to make its way to the center. With kick off time at 10 am sharp, by 10:45 Santa was pulling up to the square and stepping down from his wagon. And, it was exactly 10:48 am when the Deputy Mayor Tagalong introduced Santa Claus and led him over to the big red chair.

  Now you would assume that since this was the third year Mayor Killjoy was portraying Santa, parents would recognize the great train wreck that was about to take place. But, apparently, some people didn’t get the word. Or, maybe they just held out hope for some Christmas Miracle, where the Mayor is unexpectedly filled with spirit of the season and does the right thing. If so, those Christmas optimists must have had their fingers crossed as ‘Santa' sat down in the big red chair and switched on the microphone. Mayor Killjoy's voice boomed out, and he waved to the joyous crowd.

  “Merry Christmas! Hello Boys and Girls! Ho. Ho. Ho.”

  But, hopes and dreams were dashed once again when the Mayor pulled out his black leather Dayminder and began to read aloud.

  “Boys and Girls… Santa would like to start this year's Christmas lecture with a quote from President Herbert Hoover…”

  Mayor Killjoy had not been blessed with a Scrooge-like epiphany. He had not been overcome by the magic of the season. And, he was not planning to change his spirit of Noel crushing ways. So, the Granite Falls Rangers were forced to take action.

  “WeeooawwOoooh!”

  A piercing screech of feedback rang through the public address system, and bystanders in the crowd covered their assaulted eardrums.

  The Mayor was startled by the outburst, and he quit talking for a second. When it was clear that the electronic eruption was over, he resumed his speech. However, to his chagrin, nothing happened. His microphone had gone dead and someone else's voice came over the loud speakers.

  “Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls. Please stand by for a special communication from the first citizen of the North Pole.”

  Looking up from his Dayminder, ‘Santa Claus' signaled the Deputy Mayor. He appeared to say something like, “Where's that coming from?” or “What's going on?” But, since he was no longer miked up – I really could not tell for sure.

  However, a new voice addressed the crowd.

  “Ho. Ho. Ho. Hello boys and girls. This is Santa Claus, and I mean the real Santa Clause speaking to the citizens of Granite Falls.”

  By now the crowd of parents was as confused as the Mayor. But, the kids seemed to take it all in stride.

  “I am sorry to interrupt your Christmas festivities. But, I am afraid that I can no longer stand idly by and watch as your Christmas parade is hijacked for political gain.”

  Mayor Killjoy was understandably upset by those remarks coming out of the speakers above him. But, he attempted to remain in character while asserting his authority as the town's chief executive.

  In a loud unamplified voice, the Mayor yelled, “Ho. Ho. Ho. What's the meaning of this?”

  But, he was drowned out as the voice on the loudspeaker continued.

  “Boys and girls. The man you see before you dressed as Santa Claus – is not Santa Claus! He is Granite Falls Mayor Horace Killjoy wearing a fake suit and beard. And, as the real and genuine Father Christmas, I am putting my foot down. I am no longer allowing this imposter to squash the spirit of the season! So, if you will direct your attention to the giant Christmas present on the street out front, I have a special surprise for you.”

  “Ta da!”

  The top of the giant Christmas present suddenly flew off and out popped a grand surprise: Santa Claus #2.

  This new Santa was dressed in an expensive and elaborate costume of the highest quality satins and velvets that were available to the Circle City Costume Company of Indianapolis, Indiana. He wore a genuine human hair wig dyed an elegant silver gray. From his cheeks sprouted the finest theatrical costumed white beard that money could buy. For added effect (and for additional concealment) he sported a really nice pair of black Ray ban sunglasses that radiated a particular seasonal coolness. In comparison to Santa Clause #2, Santa Clause #1, Mayor Killjoy clearly came up short. So, when Santa #2 appeared, a cheer arose from the assembled children and many of them left their parents and ran toward this obviously superior Kris Kringle.

  As the children rushed forward, Sheriff's Deputy Terrance Boonfogle came hurrying over to the Mayor carrying a bullhorn retrieved from his police cruiser. Suitably armed, the Mayor retaliated against his interloping Claus.

  “Children, please!” the Mayor ordered. “Please return to your parents. This person is not Santa Claus. He is obviously some deranged lunatic.”

  Unfortunately for the Mayor, Santa #2 reached down into the giant Christmas box and pulled out a huge red bag full of goodies. He began tossing beanie bears and super-sized Hershey bars to the assembled children. Not only did these kids not return their adult caregivers, the rest of children in the park immediately sprinted over to collect some goodies for themselves. And, losing the rest of his under aged audience made Horace Killjoy see red.

  “Sir,” the outraged Mayor demanded, “I insist that you leave these premises at once. Or, I shall have Deputy Boonfogle arrest for you for creating a public disturbance!”

  But the second Santa was undeterred by the threat of incarceration.

  “You better think twice, Deputy,” retorted Santa #2. “Arresting Santa Claus is a guarantee that you will get coal in your stocking for life! Besides,” he continued. “I am not here all alone.”

  Then, from his pocket Santa #2 pulled out a shiny brass whistle and blew three times. Screet! Screet! Screet!

  Seemingly, from nowhere (but actually from a variety of strategic positions around the square) came the six masked costumed elves who earlier participated in the Christmas parade. They were all carrying giant candy canes about three feet high and as big around as the tailpipe of a car.

  Quickly assembling into two straight lines on Main Street, the masked elves took a position between their leader and Mayor Killjoy. Then, like an ROTC squad, the elves began to march and chant. Slapping their candy canes on the pavement and spinning them like a Christmassy version of an M-16, the precision elfin drill team clicked the heels of their pointed shoes and shouted out in cadence.

  “We're the elves from the cold North Pole.

  We've got Christmas in our soul.

  We won't let this lecture start.

  Cause Mayor Clause is a great big Fart!”

  “Sound Off - One, Two

  Sound Off – Three, Four

  One, Two, Three, Four, One, Two... Three, Four!”

  With a military flourish, the elves finished their routine, snapped to attention with their candy canes at their sides. The crowd burst into spontaneous applause. And, that was the final straw for Mayor Killjoy. He turned to Deputy Boonfogle and issued an executive order that probably no other Granite Falls Chief Executive has ever had occasion to deliver:

  “Deputy Boonfogle, arrest Santa Clause!”

  Looking sheepish, but bowing to the direct command, Deputy Boonfogle slowly walked down the steps of the Band
pavilion. He was hoping that if he took his time, Santa and the elves might disperse at the threat of internment. That would allow the Deputy to avoid taking Father Christmas into custody and possibly to dodge the lifelong sentence of coal and switches.

  At first, it looked like the Deputy might be partly successful. The elves scattered – but Santa stood his ground. Deputy Boonfogle approached holding his hands up in a quieting motion.

  “Now let's just take it easy, Santa,” said the Deputy. “I'm sure that this is all just a misunderstanding. Why don’t we go down to the station and talk about it.”

  But his quarry was not about to go quietly.

  “You're not takin' me alive Copper!” shouted Father Christmas. “Santa ain't spending Noel in the slammer!”

  With a great flourish, Santa Claus circled his big toy bag over his head and scattered toys and candy everywhere. Like a giant Christmas Piñata it disgorged treats of all shapes and sizes. Suddenly, there were children scrambling and diving all over the place. It was a toddler riot! There was no way the Deputy could push through the throng, so he just stood back and waited for an opening. However, at that very moment, the elves returned. They came running up behind Santa from various points of the square. Their candy canes were gone. But, they were not empty handed. The elves reassembled with clusters of colorful balloons retrieved from park benches around the area.

  The balloons were extremely large - ranging from three to six feet in diameter. Plus each bunch had a single heavy strength nylon ribbon leading down to a D clip. The clips were swiftly attached to a crimson dyed parachute harness that was just barely visible against the red of Santa's jacket. In seconds, forty or fifty large colorful balloons were attached to Father Christmas. Then, as the elves formed a circle around the big guy, Santa #2 addressed the crowd.

  “Well Boys and Girls, my work here is done. It's time for me to return to the North Pole and finish packing up my sleigh. Be good and do what your parents and teachers tell you to do. Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Christmas!”