by L. W. Clark
Was it no big deal or were they mad at me and giving me the silent treatment? I always prefer to have a conversation to make things clear and avoid any misunderstandings.
Sometimes when we do something wrong, we think too much of it. We think others feel the same way we do but it’s usually not true. Most of the time they understand and quickly move on, because they’re more concerned about their own lives. As long as it doesn’t affect them, your mistakes aren’t their priority. They didn’t do anything wrong; you did.
I still had some work to finish up before my day was over. I was headed to the laundry room to finish folding some clothes. When I was done and heading to my room, I passed the bathroom and I heard Anna call me.
“Hey Alyssa,” she said. “Come on in. We’re giving Aaron a bath. Do you want to watch?”
Not really.
“Look at him,” Anna said. “Doesn’t he look so adorable sitting in the bath?”
Anna was happily watching Aaron as Kalian washed the baby. Anna was kind of helping her, splashing water on Aaron, playing with him. He was so happy, laughing out loud. He really was adorable. I did enjoy watching him having fun in the bathtub with his toys. I stayed there until bath time was over. I wanted to leave and go back to my room but thought it would be rude. I watched Kalian dry Aaron, wrap him in a fresh towel and hand the boy to Anna.
“Well, goodnight everyone,” Kalian said as she turned to leave. “Have a nice weekend.”
She’s leaving the house for the weekend? Oh right, she has Saturday and Sunday off. I only have Monday off. I can’t picture myself being in this house without her. She gives me so much support. It’s great having her around. But sometimes when we depend on somebody the learning process goes slowly, and it doesn’t help us become independent and confident. Maybe it’s good that she’s gone for a couple of days, so I can figure things out on my own. Taking responsibility for myself and my mistakes would make me stronger, although the learning process will probably be painful.
“Come with me,” Anna said as she headed towards the baby’s room. “Hold Aaron, please?”
I gently took the baby from her.
“Since Kalian has the weekend off, I want to show you, I mean teach you, some tips, just so you know,” she said.
I’m not sure I like where this is going.
“This is the baby’s sleeping monitor. Take it with you. If you hear him cry during the night, you’ll need to go to his room and take care of him. He usually needs to be fed or have a diaper change. Let me show you how to feed him and change the diaper.”
She went on and on. Explained it all to me. Of course, by now I realized I was taking on Kalian’s job. I couldn’t say no, but I also didn’t expect to be taking care of a five-month-old baby.
So now I’m the housekeeper, cook and babysitter. I have three jobs so far. It’s like I’m getting promoted every other day, but without the pay raise. Maybe I didn’t understand her English well enough, but I don’t remember any of this from when she interviewed me. Was I that good at these jobs? She obviously trusts me enough to take care of Aaron. Maybe I should be flattered, but it seems if I’m doing more I should be paid more. But what can I do?
I took the monitor and went up to my room. Sadly, instead of having a relaxed place, my room was the opposite. Every time I was in the room, I got depressed. A downward spiral of emotions to a place I didn’t want to be. Where I didn’t see any potential or any future. Did all these emotions make any sense? I didn’t know. What I did know was that my depression was getting worse as time went by. I knew I needed time to adapt to everything new. I thought I’d be getting better but instead it was getting worse. I was overwhelmed. Perfect time to make a phone call. The sooner I made the call, the sooner I’d get home.
I looked for my purse. I didn’t have much use for my purse lately and I missed it. I missed carrying it with me and being a girly girl, going out with it. It was the only purse I had. It came with me everywhere I went, for everyday use and special occasions. This purse witnessed many of my dates and my hanging out with my friends and family. This purse was one of my best friends, knowing all my moods and secrets.
Girls and their purses are best friends. We can’t be without them. But these days my purse and I don’t need each other. Not with the life I’m living. No need to carry makeup or personal stuff. I hope one day, very soon, I’ll be back in a place when I’ll need my purse.
I grabbed my small, light blue, faded leather purse with the broken zipper. Only I knew the zipper was broken. It wasn’t noticeable, and also wasn’t fixable. It was irreplaceable since I couldn’t afford a new one. It was me and my secret purse, together again. I grabbed it and held it tight. I held it up to my chest, and then to my face, to smell that leather. It reminded me of my past life. Only good memories.
Why is it that it’s just happy memories? Where are all the bad memories? I have a bunch of them. I have more bad ones than good ones. Somehow, I only think of the good ones.
I took the small notebook out to find the phone number. I was going to call Tobi, the guy I met before I left home. The guy who liked me and begged me not to leave. He was the guy who offered to help me with anything, who told me I was making a mistake to come here, the guy who wasn’t happy that I had resisted his offer to stay with him. I was sure when I called this guy, he’d be really happy to hear from me. This guy would be more than happy to help me, if I asked.
I’m going to call him, even though I’m not even remotely attracted to him. This phone call won’t include a promise of any relationship between us. I’m only going to ask him for help to escape from here, a one-way airplane ticket back home. I’m sure he’ll do his best for me. He seemed like that kind of person.
I flipped a few notebook pages and found his number. My savior’s phone number. I grabbed the phone to dial. It was a perfect time to talk as long as needed, since everyone was asleep. I could talk all night. I noticed no one used the phone at night. It never rang after 8 p.m.
I heard my heart beating in my head as I dialed the number. It went through. I waited but didn’t hear a sound. I hung up and tried again. Same result. No sound at all. I became more anxious about making this phone call. I dialed once more, waited once more, heard silence once more and finally I heard “The number you have dialed is no longer in service.” I hung up and dialed a few more times and heard the same message.
What happened to Tobi? How is this possible? I have to reach him. The only chance I have is to connect with him. I need to find a way to get his contact information. My notebook! One of my friends will have his number. I can call and ask. They’ll want to know why I need his number but I’m not going to tell them about my situation. I’ll make up some story.
I liked my plan. I called one of my friends. When she heard and recognized my voice, she started screaming. I wasn’t expecting such a happy reaction from her. We weren’t such close friends, but she made a big deal of it. Her screaming and excitement went on for so long, and it was costing me a lot of money. I wasn’t able to get a word in to let her know why I was calling. She assumed I was calling to speak with her. Someone calling from America was a big deal. I knew the next day more than half the city would know that she received a call from overseas. I felt bad to tell her the real reason for calling. So, I ended up making some small talk with her for a little while.
“Oh, by the way, how is Tobi?” I finally asked.
“He’s OK. Same as always,” she said.
“Do you have his phone number? I tried to call the number he gave me, but it didn’t work. He must have a new one. I thought I’d call him to say hello.”
“Sure, I’ll get you his new number.”
It never happened.
TWELVE
Life is like a dream. The past doesn’t exist except as something in our mind. We meet people, make some connections, maybe have a relationship with them, or not. Our lives are like bubbles. One day you’re here, and then … pop! You disappear.
That’s the way I was feeling. It was like Tobi didn’t exist anymore, just like his phone number. Maybe he existed for others, but not for me. People move in and out of our lives constantly, just like the earth rotating, unnoticeably. The tyranny of time. I remember reading that somewhere.
I took a deep breath and stayed in one position while looking out the window. It was dark and quiet. I didn’t even see any moonlight. I never usually liked silence and moonless nights. It makes me sad. But this time it felt fine. I needed to calm myself down, relax my mind. I believe things happen for a reason. I needed to observe my thoughts and emotions. I wanted to find a way to separate my emotions from my rational mind. These two weren’t playing well together. I needed to think differently, so I could become stronger, and keep going on the road I’d chosen, and believe in it.
As usual for the last few nights, I quietly sobbed myself to sleep. I had a nightmare that I once again opened the window and triggered the siren. I was trying to stop it, but it was going on and on. I was randomly pushing the buttons because I didn’t know the code. The siren kept getting louder and louder. I woke up in a sweat.
The siren in my dream was the baby crying. He was crying non-stop just like the siren. I got up so fast that I felt dizzy, but I didn’t have time to slow down. I got to Aaron’s room so fast that I was out of breath. I took him in my arms, fed him, and he went quiet. Then I carefully put him down on the changing table.
Anna showed me how to change the diaper, but it wasn’t easy on my own. First, it took me a while to hold Aaron’s legs up and at the same time wipe his butt. That was some kind of process. Second, as I put his diaper on, I was worried he’d roll over and fall off the table.
Boy, I could really use another hand. There, all set. The diaper is on, nice and neat. Not too bad. Oh … oh crap. It’s inside out! How the hell did I do that? Damn, I have to start all over.
I felt much better when that was over. Aaron liked to move, like a fish out of water. I was so nervous he would squirm out of my arms as I put him back in the crib. Babies have such positive energy. It’s easy to feel it from them. I needed that good energy, but my mind wasn’t receptive. My mind was tired from fighting with my emotions. I looked at Aaron and smiled. He smiled back.
He was just a little innocent human being who needed some care and attention. I looked at him and it made me think. We all need each other to survive. We can’t survive for long if we don’t do things for each other. We need farmers to grow the food so we can eat. We need people to make the clothes that we wear. We need people to work the utilities that deliver the water and electricity we use every day. We do things for each other to survive and we take it for granted. We’re not even aware of it. Even this baby’s mother needs some help, so she can get enough sleep to go to work, make money, and pay me, so I can take care of me and my family.
Aaron wanted attention, so I stayed with him longer than I really needed to. After some food and a fresh diaper, he was wide-awake and wanted to play. I played with him and made him smile.
This baby is an absolute stranger, but so what? Do we need to know each other well to help each other? The world would be a better place if people would have compassion for strangers. It doesn’t matter who you are, your age, your financial status. We all need each other. We’re all connected.
The past few days I was struggling to adapt to this new life. I was still adapting. I was upset with myself for letting my emotions get the best of me. There was a better way to think, and it was up to me to change. Better is always best.
It’s okay that I never worked as a cook, housemaid, cleaner or babysitter. Any job is a good job. We can take pride in doing a high-quality job in any profession. You can be a doctor or lawyer and still perform your job poorly. Or you can be the best, most efficient and effective janitor on the planet. Here’s the difference—it’s a mindset.
I have an opportunity. If I take responsibility for myself and perform all my work in a high-quality way, I will reach all my goals. I now have three jobs, which I didn’t expect. It isn’t easy, but I can take it. I’ll start to work with it instead of against it. I’ll learn more and more. I’ll gain more experience and go for it. From now on I’m going to take the high road. Every day, I’ll do the best I can. That’s it. I’m determined to realize the future I’ve imagined for myself.
Of course, my new mindset was tested right away. The weekends were harder than the other days. My buddy Kalian wasn’t around, and Anna and “The Corrector” Michael were home. I gave him the nickname to lighten things up, at least in my head. The Corrector would follow me around, giving necessary (and unnecessary) instructions all the time.
Maybe that was just his personality. It wasn’t personal. It made me feel better thinking this way. I was working for him and that was that. His personality wasn’t my problem. He would tell me how to do things and would add “that’s the way I do it.” I would listen to his instructions and consider them a learning experience. It seemed like he had nothing to do in the house, so he got busy teaching me.
The way I would do it? That’s a strange thing to say. Did he do all the housekeeping before they hired me? Or does he just know these things?
Anna could care less. She seemed to trust me. She was fine with the way I did things. She would explain what to do every once in a while, but then she would leave me alone. But, The Corrector? He would stalk me wherever I went.
They mostly wanted me to take care of Aaron. Feed him, change his clothes or play with him. I preferred taking care of the baby rather than Jessica. But there was no chance of that. They asked me to take both of them to the basement and play with them. The girl resisted for a while, but Mommy told her she had no choice. That was a real nightmare for me. It really was.
She didn’t want to play with me. She gave me such an attitude, throwing toys at me. But once again, it was my job. I patiently dealt with her behavior without any response. I just smiled. I did my best to understand and learn all the toys. I had never seen any of them before and had no idea how to play with them. But I pretended it was enjoyable.
Of course, The Corrector came downstairs to check up on things. He looked around and then approached us. He acted like a policeman. It was weird. As soon as Jessica saw her father, she ran to him. She didn’t want to throw toys at me anymore as she hugged her father. He stayed for a while. When he had to leave, she cried so much he had to take her with him.
This girl, Jessica. She’s temperamental and cries—a lot. She isn’t friendly to me, but I don’t care so much. What I don’t understand is why she’s so moody and cranky most of the time. She has everything. She lives in a beautiful house. She has a separate, beautifully decorated room, with so many toys. She has people who take care of her. What is the problem?
Maybe she doesn’t have what children want most. Her parents. She might be missing them. Maybe she wants her parents to be with her more than with Kalian or me. She’d probably trade a lot of the stuff she has for more attention and hugs from her parents. Her mother is gone from early in the morning until late at night, every weekday. When she comes home, she doesn’t spend much time with them. What else could all the crying be about?
I guess we might get mad about people’s behavior even though we don’t know what they’re going through. Children like Jessica probably don’t even know why they’re moody. They don’t know what’s wrong, they just know something’s not right. They can’t observe their mind, ask why and find the answer. They’re not there yet. Hell, most adults don’t even do it. They just react impulsively, out of habit.
Jessica’s just acting out her frustrations. She rarely cries when her mother’s around. When her mother asked her to go with me to the basement, it wasn’t so much about me. It was about leaving her mother. Separation anxiety. The heartbroken look she gave her mother said everything. Why do people have children if they don’t have time for them?
With the weekend ending, I was close to my day off on Monday. I was so excited. I wanted to sleep
late and do absolutely nothing. I wanted to go out for a walk and explore. I hadn’t been out of the house since I started working. I was starving for some fresh air and free time.
Monday came but I didn’t have anywhere to go so I just stayed in my room. Free like a bird, in a cage. There weren’t any sidewalks around the neighborhood, so I just sat in the backyard. Sounds boring but it was exciting to me. I thought I’d do some reading, maybe study my English. But unfortunately, The Corrector was home. He had some workers in the backyard landscaping. So, I decided to stay inside rather than seeing him on my day off. I didn’t want to see any of them. I had no doubt if I hung around The Corrector, he’d find something to criticize. He’d probably correct the way I read a book or something.
But soon, the day became long. I became bored. I had too much time to think, so my mind was thrashing. My subconscious mind was working overtime on me. But this time, I wouldn’t let it. I knew where I would end up if I let it take control.
I’ve made my decision. I came all this way to make something of myself. Now it was my responsibility to make it happen. I have choices, and I’ve decided. If I don’t stay strong, if I don’t keep going, I won’t achieve my goals. I could give up and go back to my old life. But then what? I’d rather be disappointed here than have regrets back home. I could never forgive myself for being weak. This is where I am. I need to remove obstacles. Despite myself, I need to do this. I want to do this to help my family, and me. This is more important than my freedom. They need me. I’m the only one who can give them a better life, a better future. I’m not going to let them down. I made a promise. I want them to be proud of me, not disappointed.
Of course, they would support me in any decision I made. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that I said what I would do, and now I needed to do what I said. Yes, at my age girls just wanted to go out, party with friends and date guys. Go on vacation or just have fun being a girl. Put on a dress, some high heels, create a nice hair style, put on some sexy lipstick and flirt. All normal when you’re twenty-something.