Nevaeh's Hope

by Thereasa Black

  Nevaeh

  She corned me in the kitchen today. She was more drunk than normal.

  “Tell me who the fucking father is Nevaeh! Or have you opened your legs up to so many men that you don’t know who he is? That’s it isn’t it?”

  I tried to keep cutting the vegetables, but I couldn’t ignore her. “Yes, mom that’s it. I’m the worst teenager in the world and I’ve slept with so many men that any of them could be the dad.”

  “Don’t patronize me with that nasty mouth of yours. Who knows where that mouth has been? You disgust me. What kind of thirteen-year-old goes out and has sex with a bunch of strangers? That’s the real truth, you don’t know his name because you didn’t know it when you were sleeping with him.”

  I couldn’t hold it in any longer. It was as if ten months of the physical pain that Jamal caused me and the mental anguish from all of this was finally being released. “You want to know the real reason that I’m pregnant mom? It’s because you cared more about your dirt bag boyfriend than you did about your own child! You saw the way that he looked at me and Sasha and you still left him around us because you didn’t want to be alone.”

  “Shut up! Stop your bullshit! I didn’t give you enough attention so you went and found it somewhere else? Is that your excuse for playing grown up?”

  “No, you didn’t show me enough attention, but that’s not why I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant because your worthless boyfriend Jamal showed me too much!”

  The sound that came from her mouth was one that I’d never heard before. She grabbed a butcher knife and came towards me. I ran to the corner at first.

  Then she said, “You’re a liar and your baby is going to be the one that pays for it!”

  This was it, it was my chance to get rid of it. It wouldn’t be my fault, I wouldn’t be the one that did it.

  “Mom what’s going on?” I looked over and there was Sasha.

  “Sasha go lock yourself in your room, mom isn’t herself right now!” I was crying uncontrollably. Instead she ran out the door. I still didn’t move.

  “Tell the truth you whore! Tell the truth! Who’s the father? Tell me or I swear I’ll kill it!”

  I put my hands up in surrender, “Kill it! Kill Jamal’s seed. He forced himself inside of me, now you can do the same with that knife!”

  I could tell by the look on her face that she believed me.

  “Yeah, let it sink in. All of the pain that my life has caused you, all of it that you took on voluntarily, I had forced upon me. And just like it was your fault that I came into this world, it will be your fault that this baby comes into this world. Take its life mom. Take it. It’s yours to take. This is yet another one of your mistakes that I’m forced to live with. I don’t want it, I just don’t have the guts to do today what you wish you had done thirteen years ago. But maybe you have the guts now mom.”

  She didn’t. She even had the nerve to pretend that she was going to cut her own wrist. Of course, she didn’t, but I didn’t try to stop her. She stumbled outside after that. Maybe she was going to look for Sasha, maybe she was going to find another bottle to drown her sorry ass sorrows in. I didn’t care anymore, I needed to go find Sasha.

  Junior had the right idea when he tried to kill her. She was poison and the only way to prevent poison from killing you is to cut out everything that’s infected. That’s what he almost did, cut her out of our lives. He was trying to prevent her from spreading.

  Junior

  I came back to my boy’s house tonight after doing a quick run for them. I wasn’t selling the drugs, I was just dropping them off at other dealer’s houses. When I got back, they would reward me with one of the fiends that was standing in the line outside of the house. I never wanted to have sex with them but I would let them give me head while they were banging her out.

  When I got back Nick told me that they had a good looking one upstairs. He’d already had his turn but Breeze and the other two were still up there taking care of business and I should go get my payment for the run. I went into the room and Breeze was standing in the corner waiting for his turn while Shawn humped her face and Ray was getting it the old fashion way. She was just lying there not moving. A clear bag was laying on the floor. I figured she took a line before letting them do this to her. Most of them didn’t do that, the guys liked her active while they completed their business transaction. When Breeze saw me, he told Shawn to get out the way and let me get a turn. I pulled my pants down as Ray changed her position so I could stand while she took care of me from the edge of the bed.

  She started sucking me and for a second her head tilted back and she looked up at me. Eyes glazed over and mouth full the sun shined through the curtain and I saw a familiar face. I closed my eyes, there was no way. But when I looked down again, I saw the same thing. I had to get out there.

  I fixed my pants and ran back outside. I ran towards my house.

  “It could’ve been her, she was dead,” I said to myself over and over. “She’s dead. I killed her. The nurse said she was dead.”

  My legs ached, my eyes burned from the tears, she was dead, I knew she was. That couldn’t have been her.

  “Junior!” I heard an unfamiliar voice yell from behind, then I heard the last sound that many men hear, screeching tires. I ran even faster. Then, after all of this time, I looked up and there was Nevaeh.

  Sasha

  I came back home to an empty apartment. There was no blood on the floor so that was a good thing. I looked for Junior for about twenty minutes then I gave up. If Nevaeh couldn’t find him after all of this time, how could I?

  I sat around the house for hours and no one came home. As the sun set, I understood that they finally did it. They left me. I knew that my mom always loved Junior, you could tell by the way that her eyes lit up when she looked at him. When he left, I knew that it was only a matter of time before she would disappear. But Nevaeh, I thought that if anybody loved me it was her. I won’t believe it, I know that she wouldn’t leave. She wouldn’t.

  Marsha

  My feet knew the way to amnesia. They knew that the road to redemption, my mind had been on it for the last month. I threw up along the way. The thought of him on top of my baby. Why? How did I not know? Nevaeh was right, I did see the way that he looked at them. All men look though, they all did. They always looked at me when I was growing up. That didn’t mean… How could I have been so stupid?

  I saw the familiar line. I’d seen it many times before back when Max made runs for them. I never thought that I’d be one of the misguided souls waiting for my turn. But maybe they weren’t misguided. Maybe they were doing the same thing that I was, trying to run away from that which the mind couldn’t handle. Had we all lost our minds or were we all trying to lose them?

  I knew how the game worked, I was inside before when a young girl came in search of their doctored escape. They led her up the steps when she told them that she didn’t have enough money. They came back down thirty minutes later. Each of them had sweat dripping down their faces, but not her, she only had tears. The shame that brought her there was worsened by the humiliation they had inflicted upon her, but she left with her little packet of memory loss. Soon it would all be a distant nightmare.

  Shawn was at the door when it was my turn. He smiled, he’d always wanted me when we growing up. The lustful look in his eyes told me that he had been waiting for me, like he knew that I’d break down one of these days. He led me inside. The older men that Max used to work for were gone. They’d been replaced with kids that Max and I grew up with, the one’s that didn’t get locked up. It’s crazy how they became the men that they were afraid of when we were little. We used to play inside because if we went out, we might be shot by the men that owned the block. Now they were the boogiemen that made kids stay inside.

  I was led up the stairs, I knew I didn’t have enough money. They gave me what I came for before they took their payment, because they knew me from back in the day. I shot up and proceeded on my pat
h to weightlessness like it was the path to my salvation. And it was. I was floating after that. Nevaeh was almost a distant memory.

  All I saw was the love of my life that I meant at fifteen. Max made love to me right there for what seemed like hours. After we were done, I laid in our bed, I knew my mom would be home from work soon and I’d have to clean up, but right now I was just living in the ecstasy of me and Max’s love.

  When I woke up the sun was going down. It took me a minute to remember where I was. The sheets were wet from what I knew wasn’t sweat, my hair was all over the place, and in my hand was a plastic bag of what remained of my mental deliverance. I got dressed and stumbled out of the house. As I walked out of the door, the awaiting female customers avoided eye contact, they knew what was in store for them, they didn’t want any more reminders.

  There was a crowd of people on the street as I made my way back home. I overheard someone say that a pregnant girl had gotten shot. That was fucked up. These heartless creatures spared no one. We were all prey and only God could shield us from the beasts. Who am I kidding? I gave up on God years ago or was it him who gave up on me?

  Nevaeh

  I’m walking down the street for the first time in over a month not looking for Junior and guess who I see running towards me. He was screaming my name too, like he had been the one who couldn’t find me after all of this time. It was as if the drama of the afternoon had been washed away. None of it mattered anymore, Junior was finally back, everything could go back to normal now. Mom would be happy again. She was really going through this pain killer induced stupor because her favorite child had left her.

  He was waving his arms in excitement. As he got closer, I could hear what he was screaming.

  “Nevaeh get down!”

  Why would I need to get down? Confused for a moment I looked away from him and saw everyone around me running for cover. That’s when I saw the quick bursts of light coming from the black car speeding down the street. Junior fell at my feet and I felt two pinches in my stomach as the car drove away. I felt my water break and I looked down only to see blood pouring down my legs. I grabbed my stomach as I fell to the ground. A million thoughts ran through my head simultaneously and finally settled on five words, “I guess this is it.”

  Junior

  I yelled for her to get down but she kept coming right for me. All of these people screaming and running but her eyes never left mine. I thought that I could get to her to push her down, but an arm’s length from her I tripped, two bullets ripped through her stomach in the same instant. I crawled over to her and put pressure where the blood was spilling from her. Those were some of the first lessons a kid learned growing up in this city, applying pressure was the difference between life and death sometimes.

  She was pregnant. Had I really been gone for that long? I screamed her name, but she didn’t respond. Her eyes simply looked beyond me, like my sister was staring into the eyes of the angel of death. It seemed like hours before the ambulance pulled up. The EMT’s tried to push me away from the ambulance.

  “I’m her brother, please.” After some argument and doubtful looks they agreed and we rushed off to the hospital. They hooked her up to a heart monitor, they had one for the baby too.

  “How many months pregnant is she?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t even know until today.”

  They didn’t think the baby would make it, I heard them call ahead to the hospital to have someone standing by that specialized in premature deliveries. The paramedics kept yelling for Nevaeh to keep her eyes open but she drifted off. They said that her heartbeat was elevated, but steady. The same couldn’t be said for the baby. Nevaeh opened her eyes just as the baby’s monitor displayed zeroes; as though she felt the soul of her unborn child leaving her body.

  Sasha

  I was sitting in the dark praying that Nevaeh would come back for me. Finally, the door knob rattled and I could hear someone fumbling for a key. I ran to the door, I knew that she wouldn’t leave me. I opened it and found my mom rambling to herself on the porch. She walked passed me as if the door had opened on its own and glided straight to her room. Her hair was going in every direction on her head and she had a strange calmness about her. The opposite of when I last saw her in a standoff with Nevaeh in the kitchen. Maybe Junior wasn’t the only one that could make her better. Maybe all she needed was fresh air.

  I locked the front door and went to wait for Nevaeh in my room. If my mom came back, I knew that Nevaeh would be back too, eventually.

  Marsha

  I woke up around midnight thirsty as hell. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and noticed the baby pictures that lined the walls on the way there. It seems not that long ago that I was holding a brand-new baby girl in my arms, imagining all of the wonderful things that we would do together. Of course, I know today that those were just the unenlightened imaginings of an immature teenager, but man how much hope I had back then. Seems like the only thing that I hope for today is that I don’t think about the fact that I let my baby get raped.

  And just like that, it’s back. The feeling of my insides being torn out one by one came over me. Why didn’t she feel that she could come to me and tell me what was going on? How did I not see it?

  I made a little white line on the counter as my mind raced through all of my failures. I needed them to go away. The powder dampened as the tears fell from my eyes and I bent towards my escape.

  Nevaeh

  It was as though a highlight reel of my life was playing behind my eyelids. It all went so quickly, the last time that I saw my dad, the first time that I saw a man get shot dead on the street, the first time that I watched Jamal hit my mom, the first time that he raped me, all of the blood that covered our living room floor when my mom was stabbed, the nurses face when she told me that I was pregnant, the dead look in my mother’s eyes when she was a drugged out prescription zombie, and the zeros on the heart monitor as my son’s life ended. Then there was nothing. But I guess there was always nothing. If your life is full of only sorrow why torture yourself by suffering through it?

  Then from out of the darkness I saw Sasha’s smile. I felt the freedom of the first time that I rode a bike, the joy of my first report card with straight A’s, I saw my mom leaning over to tell me that she loved me late at night after she got home from work, and the tiny flicker on a monitor of the heartbeat of a child that I didn’t want to love. Next, I heard my mom’s voice as she sang me to sleep, “Someday I’ll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.”

  I opened my eyes knowing that clouds were not all that filled my life. Chaos ensued. Machines were beeping uncontrollably, nurses were running around with bags of blood, and a bright light was shining in my face.

  “She’s awake,” an unfamiliar voice said. His comment didn’t seem to change anything. All of the people in scrubs continued to scramble about the room. Something in the corner caught my eye. Away from all of the ruckus was a clear plastic infant bed, the kind that the hospital nursery was filled with. While they were normally full of movement and crying, mine was still and covered with a white blanket decorated with rattles and teddy bears, soiled by a bloodied handprint.

  I felt a longing to see him, to just hold him one time. Why was I yearning for someone that I wished never existed? I should be overjoyed. The essence of my unhappiness was lying dead not five feet from me, but I was saddened. I was looking forward to gazing into his eyes to see if I could love the spawn of evil. It wasn’t until this very moment, looking at the unmoving blanket, that I accepted that I already knew. I don’t think I ever had a choice. I wished every day for this to happen and now that it finally has, I wish that I could take it back.

  Junior

  I was an uncle for five minutes and one of my late mother’s surviving two children for three minutes. I can’t explain how it felt to have her back just to lose her ten minutes later. To know that I was the cause of a second lost life in our family and possibly a third, depe
nding on how Nevaeh pulled through, was gut wrenching. I couldn’t run away from this one. Each time I thought of taking a step towards that familiar door my feet gained the weight of a million elephants. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she didn’t make it. Our lives were one now, our fates intertwined. If she didn’t walk out of this hospital, then neither would I.

  Sasha

  A ringing phone ripped me from my beautiful house and loving family. That’s usually where I went on the worst days, if I couldn’t be happy awake, my unconscious was determined to compensate me when I wasn’t. It took me a second to remember where I was, to remember what I was. The glowing clock told me that the time was 2:07 AM and the phone told me that it was an emergency. Why had no one else answered it?

  I crawled out of the bed and paused as I looked at Junior’s untouched bed above me. A constant reminder that my other half didn’t need me as much as I needed him. I ran towards the light in the kitchen and grabbed the phone, “Hello?”

  “Hey Sasha,” Nevaeh replied softly.

  A sigh of relief left my mouth as I tried to find the words that expressed my sudden lack of anxiety. I turned around to jump onto the counter and that’s when I saw her. A scream of terror left my mouth as the phone dropped to the white tiled floor.

  Marsha

  Do you know what it’s like to fly, to be above it all? It’s like none of the pain can really touch you. You can see its outstretched arms reaching for you and even feel it prickling your skin, but it’s mentally out of reach. You know that it’s still there but you just don’t care anymore, so it can’t hurt you. It’s how I felt after the accident when I was on the medication, it’s where I was able to go when I used. Nothing can touch me anymore, nothing can touch me.

  I watched her come in and grab the ringing phone off of the charger. It had been ringing for some time, but I couldn’t convince myself to move in order to answer it. I knew her name but it wouldn’t come to me. I watched her, it was like a movie except that every word from her mouth was muffled. She was terrified when she saw me, the phone dropped from her hand. It shattered on the ground; the battery and phone going in opposite directions. She was on the floor in an instant. Her hands waved in front of my face as liquid fell from her eyes. I tried to say something, tried to move, but my body just wouldn’t listen. Like I said before, I was flying and I was too far away to care about the things that I left behind.