Chasing Mercury

by Kimberly Cooper Griffin

  “You’re too good to me, Kev. I don’t deserve you.”

  “You’re right, you don’t,” he laughed and reached down for the hand she still had on his leg and pulled her toward him, settling her against his chest as he sat more comfortably into the couch. Kev smelled warm and sleepy, and she yawned. They were quiet for a minute. 4B closed her eyes.

  “So? What now?” asked Kev, picking up a few strands of her hair and running his fingers idly through them.

  “I’ve met someone.”

  “You have? Who?” His hands stilled and his voice was measured.

  She felt him tense, and she tried to read the emotion in his voice. Jealous? Angry? Resigned? Irritated? She had gotten the impression he was as done with the façade of their relationship as she was. Had she read it wrong? Had she rushed it?

  “Is it okay for me to be talking to you like this?” she asked lifting her head to look at his face.

  He nodded slowly and then answered.

  “Yes. I’ve known for a long time we were never going to get married.”

  “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “I was into my work, things seemed to be okay as they were. Our parents had stopped pushing us. I don’t know. It was easy to go along with the status quo, I guess.” He blew out a breath. “And there was always the chance I was wrong.”

  “Have you already moved on?” she asked. She realized she didn’t know, out of all of the possible answers, what answer would make her feel worse.

  “No…” he said and let the word draw out.

  “You can tell the truth.” She patted his chest and hoped he felt safe enough to be honest with her. The stolen glimpse of him with the woman at the party came to mind, and part of her hoped he’d been drifting away from her, too. It would make things easier.

  “Really?” he asked, and she heard the contemplation in his voice. “No. Not emotionally, anyway. But I know it’s time and knowing it doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.”

  “I’m so sorry, Kev.”

  “We’ve already established we’re both sorry. Let’s make a pact that we don’t have to say it again.”

  “Deal,” she said as she settled back down to lie against his chest. He pushed his fingers into her hair and gently massaged her scalp. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the massage.

  “So who is she?” he asked.

  “How do you know it’s a she?”

  “It better be a she,” he said, and 4B felt him tense up again as his fingers stilled.

  “It is a she. Her name is Nora.”

  “Good. Because if it was a guy, then all bets are off.” His fingers started to work their magic on her scalp again.

  “There will never be another guy, Kev.” She meant what she said.

  “Do you love her?”

  “Yes… I do,” she said, and realized she had been hiding from those words for a while. Ever since she had left Juneau.

  “Have you told her?”

  “No. Not yet. It didn’t seem fair to—”

  “Stop trying to manage other people’s hearts, Elizabeth. Work on your own.”

  She contemplated his words and something about them resonated with her.

  “How did you get so smart?”

  “It just comes natural.”

  “I don’t deserve you.”

  “Another thing we need to agree to not say.”

  “Deal,” she said and laughed, but a yawn cut it short. “God, I’m tired. Do you mind if I stay here tonight?”

  “I thought you’d never ask,” he said mischievously, opening his robe.

  “Pig!”

  “I was just kidding!” he said, putting up his hands to fend off the weak smacks she pummeled him with. “Of course you can.”

  She settled back into the curled up position in the circle of his arm, and her eyes started to slip closed as Kev ran his fingers through her hair. She listened to the steady beat of his heart and felt herself drift away. Sometime later she awoke just enough to know he had lifted her and tucked her into his bed. She felt him hover over her for a few minutes as he smoothed her hair and then he gently kissed her lips. She pretended to sleep. She listened to him leave the room and she fell back to sleep.

  “Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Or should I say good afternoon?” said Kev, pausing in his project of slathering on mustard over a thick piece of bread as he gave a meaningful look at the digital display on the microwave. He was in his workout clothes and she knew he’d already taken his regular run down to the marina, done a few passes on the river, shared coffee with some of the regulars, and run back to his place.

  “What time is it?” asked 4B, stretching as she walked. She had spent many nights at Kev’s place over the last several years, and she still felt comfortable waking up there, despite the change in their relationship.

  “Eleven-thirty,” he replied. “AM.”

  “My sleep schedule may be out of whack, kind sir, but I’m coherent enough to understand that, when the sun is shining, it means it is in the AM.”

  “I was just kidding. Anyway, no worries. I went down to the boat club and did my rowing already. I kind of expected you to be gone already.”

  “I’ve overstayed my welcome, I see. You don’t even have coffee ready.”

  “I may suck at being a fiancé, but you can never call me a bad host,” said Kev, turning to get the thermal carafe and coffee cup he had ready on the counter behind him. He poured her a cup of coffee and the rich scent filled the room. He added the perfect amount of half and half and sugar, and she hunched her shoulders in appreciation as she took her first sip.

  “You are a wonderful man. Thank you.”

  “No one wants to see you deprived of your life’s elixir,” he said dryly and then went back to building his sandwich. “I saw your dad down at the marina this morning. He said he saw the car parked out front. He must have told your mom, because she called this morning.”

  “She did? I kind of just took off last night. I didn’t tell anyone where I went.”

  “I told her you were fine. She told me to tell you to call Nora.”

  4B felt her pockets, then remembered she didn’t have her phone. She had left with nothing but the car keys.

  “Oh. I must have left my cell phone at the house.”

  “She told me that, too,” Kev said, paying inordinate attention to his sandwich.

  “I haven’t told her anything yet, Kev. She doesn’t even know I have my memory back.”

  “No?”

  “You were the first person I told.”

  “I don’t know why that gives me as much satisfaction as it does, but I’m glad.”

  “I love you, Kev.”

  “I know, Elizabeth.”

  The house was quiet in the early afternoon, and 4B tossed her mother’s keys on a table in the foyer. 4B went upstairs to get her phone so she could call Nora and talk to her about everything she had discovered in the last two days. It felt so long ago since they had last talked and she desperately wanted to hear her voice. She also wanted to start figuring out her next steps.

  4B walked over to her bed, where the loose pages from the journal were lying along with Layce’s note. She remembered putting them on the nightstand on top of the journals that were still neatly stacked where she’d left them. Someone had moved the pages and the note. Had they read them? She picked up the papers along with her phone, which was still plugged in right beside the journals.

  There were four missed calls, one from her mother and the rest from Nora. Nora had only left one message. She listened to the voicemail, which simply asked 4B to call her back. The weariness she heard in Nora’s voice sent a tremor through 4B’s heart. She hit redial and listened to the phone ring to voicemail.

  “Hey, Nora. It’s me. It feels like forever since I’ve heard your voice. You sounded tired in your message. I hope everything is okay up in the great white North. Call me back when you can. Um, well, I… I have… some things to talk to you about. I ha
ve my memory back. It’s different than I thought it would be. Anyway, I can’t wait to talk to you. Give my love to Aunt Mace. Bye.”

  She stared at the phone and wished she’d told Nora she loved her. But it wasn’t something she wanted to do in a voice message. Still, it was burning a hole in her heart. She debated on calling again and leaving another message.

  “Elizabeth?” came Roslyn’s voice from behind 4B. “I thought I heard you come in.”

  4B turned toward her mother’s voice, looking at the time of the calls. The first had come at 4:00 AM Massachusetts time, making it midnight Nora’s time, when Nora had left the message. The next message was a couple of hours later, and the one after that, was just two hours earlier.

  “Sorry I didn’t leave a note. I knew you were out, but I should have told you where I went,” 4B said absently, not looking up, checking her phone to see if Nora had sent a text. She hadn’t.

  “When Daddy and I arrived home after the golf thing. I checked in on you. When I didn’t find you, I noticed the car keys were gone. I was worried, but not terribly. When I tried to call you, I heard it ring in your room, which did worry me. But, then this morning, Daddy saw the car in front of Kev’s house when he went to play golf this morning and then talked to Kev at the marina afterward. I knew you were safe then.”

  “I’m sorry I just took off like that. I shouldn’t have worried you,” said Nora sitting on the edge of her bed. Her mind was preoccupied with Nora.

  “Normally I wouldn’t have worried, but you’ve been through a lot lately,” said Roslyn, sitting down next to her.

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “No need to be sorry, honey. I just worry.

  “So… you read some of my stuff?” asked 4B, indicating the papers and the note.

  Her mother’s face visibly blanched.

  “I was tempted. I saw the note on top, and well I… I recognized it. I stacked it all up and left it there. In the end I couldn’t bring myself to read your private stuff.”

  4B believed her mother and she almost wished her mother had read her journals. It would have made it easier to broach what she needed to tell her.

  “I have my memory back,” she said.

  Roslyn took her hand and squeezed it.

  “You do? That’s great! When? How do you feel?”

  “Last night… part of yesterday. It started to come to me as I was sleeping. I thought it was a dream and it wasn’t. Then it just kind of filled in after that.”

  4B told her mother about the dream that wasn’t a dream, how all of her memories were just there now, and how she was trying to reconcile the life she used to have with the life she had right now. “It’s so weird, Mom. Everything that was gone is back and I expected to feel some sort of… I don’t know how to describe it. Maybe a sense of things clicking together? A rush of understanding, or something? But I think the thing I feel most of all is a sense of anxiety. Anxiety tinged with sadness.”

  As she said it, the feelings that she guessed at became clearer. The sadness overshadowed the anxiety.

  “I imagine it’s hard, honey. Is there at least some sense of relief?”

  “Like I told Kev, part of me is relieved, part of me is… a lot of me is just, well… overwhelmed.”

  “It’s understandable. And then I go and rifle through your stuff. I shouldn’t have… I was worried. But it’s no excuse.”

  “I understand, Mom. I probably would have read them.”

  “Believe me, it was a true act of will to just stack it all up and leave it there without reading it,” said Roslyn, shaking her head. “If you’re not stewing over that, though, what has your forehead all creased? It only gets like that when you’re upset or terribly worried about something.”

  She rubbed her forehead. Her mother always knew when she was upset.

  “I think you probably already know,” said 4B, picking up the journal pages, absently shuffling through them. Her mother let out a long breath.

  “Maybe I have an idea, but why don’t you tell me?”

  4B took a deep breath.

  “I’m a lesbian, Mom.”

  “Is this about the note? About Layce?”

  “Yes, but it’s more than that. Much more than that.”

  “Having feelings for your best friend doesn’t make you a lesbian, honey.”

  “Believe me, these kinds of feelings do, Mom,” said 4B, flapping the pages in her lap. “I’ve known for a while. I was just afraid to admit it. To you. To Layce. To myself.”

  “So, you are attracted to women? Does it extend beyond Layce?”

  4B nodded her head. She felt a tear slip down her cheek. Her mother reached up and wiped it away.

  “Why on earth would you be afraid to tell me?”

  “Do you remember your response when we talked about Layce all those years ago? I would have told you then. But you told me how relieved you were that I wasn’t. After that I just couldn’t.”

  “Relieved? I don’t think so…”

  “Yes, relieved was the exact word you used.”

  “Oh, honey. I don’t remember the exact words we spoke, but I remember thinking there was a good possibility you were gay then. I wanted you to know I loved my gay friends and coworkers and I would love you, too. You know that, right? No matter what, I will always love you.”

  4B took a moment to let it sink in.

  “But you said you were relieved that I wouldn’t have to deal with all of the issues of being gay.”

  “I am relieved. I mean I would be if you weren’t gay. Ugh! This isn’t coming out right,” her mother breathed out a frustrated sigh. “What I mean is, there are a lot of pressures and pain that go along with being gay, honey. Of course I would be relieved for you if you didn’t have to deal with all of that. But it doesn’t make me think there is anything wrong with you just because some of society is so narrow-minded and filled with hate—“ Her mother paused and took hold of her hands, holding them tightly. “Honey, I want to protect you. But who you love will never change my love and acceptance for who you are. God, I hope you know that.” Her mother dropped her hands and hugged her.

  “I do now,” said 4B accepting her mother’s hug and clinging to her. She never knew what a relief telling her mother would be. She cried against her mother’s shoulder.

  “Were you talking to Nora on the phone when I came up?” Her mother asked. “Did Kev tell you she called? Have you told her you have your memory back?”

  “Yes, he told me, but no, it wasn’t her. The call went to voicemail. I told her about my memory in the message.”

  “Is she… are you two…?”

  “Yes, Mom.” 4B watched her mother’s reaction. All she saw was acceptance. Another huge weight lifted from her.

  “What about Kev?”

  “He knows. It’s a long story, but he’s okay.”

  “Oh.” 4B could see her mother’s mind churning with all of the new information. “She seemed like a very nice woman when your father and I met her up in Juneau, and she sounded so polite this morning on the phone. I hope to get to know her a little better. But she lives all the way—”

  “Did you talk to her?” interrupted 4B. Maybe her mother knew more about the strange tone of the message.

  “Yes. About an hour or two ago. I thought I should answer it since you left your phone here and she had called more than once.”

  “Is she okay? She didn’t say in the message and she sounded weird.”

  “She didn’t say anything other than to ask me to tell you she’d called. I told her you left your phone when you went to Kev’s house last night, and I’d give you the message when you got—Oh, dear.”

  “Oh, Mom,” said 4B as she dialed Nora’s number again.

  It was a few hours before 4B was able to get a hold of Nora, and when Nora finally answered the phone, 4B was relieved, but there was a distance in Nora’s voice she’d never heard before.

  “Oh, god, Nora. Finally. Where have you been? Did you get any of my m
essages?”

  “Yes. I was at the hospital.”

  4B felt a sheet of icy cold descend upon her. Aunt Mace.

  “Why were you at the hospital? What happened?”

  There was a long silence and 4B could hear Nora’s uneven breathing.

  “Nora? I can hear you breathing. Are you—?”

  “I’m happy you have your memory back.”

  “So, you did get my messages. I’ve been—“

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure. Anything. I’m—“

  “Who’s Donald Kirkham?” asked Nora. Her voice sounded weary rather than confrontational. 4B wasn’t surprised at the question, and she finally wanted to explain who Kev was to her, but Nora’s tone was so strange and it made her nervous. Why had she been at the hospital? Dread continued to make her skin feel cold.

  “Donald is Kev. I told you about Kev. He goes by his middle name. He’s the friend I told you about. Why were you at—?”

  “What kind of friend?” Again, Nora’s voice sounded more tired than angry, and 4B was sure Nora had already somehow discovered Kev was her fiancé. She wanted to explain it all to Nora, but her tone of voice made her hesitate. There was something very different about Nora and it scared her.

  “Just a really good friend. At least he is now. I’ll tell you all about him, but why—”

  “There were pictures taken of you and Donald Kirkham at the fundraiser the other night. I saw them on the internet.”

  “Pictures?” asked 4B. Of course. There had been photographers at the event. She immediately wished she had told Nora about her and Kev. “I’m not sure what you saw on the internet, but there is nothing to be worried about. I promise.”

  “I’m not worried. I’m confused. At first I wanted to believe he was just a friend, because that’s what you told me he was to you. I thought you would have told me if it was something else. But the pictures of you, well, he looked at you like you were more than just friends, that maybe the event was more like a date.” Nora sighed and 4B wanted to do something, anything, to fix the sadness in her voice. “I guess I don’t have any right to care.”

  “It wasn’t a date, Nora.” Not really. At least for 4B it hadn’t been.