by Laura Acton
Hearing Nick’s vote of confidence, a bit of Walter’s anger ebbed away. He glanced at the clock, somewhat astounded the issue had been resolved in twenty minutes. Though he didn’t want to meddle in Dan’s career, he would take the opportunity to observe the interaction between the three men on Sunday.
Recognizing his godson might need more time to adjust to Toronto time, Walter said, “Call me if Dan wants to wait until Monday. After a fifteen-hour flight and with the eight-and-a-half-hour difference I’m certain he is exhausted … it is almost five a.m. in Kandahar.”
Stunned by the details Gambrill shared, Nick only responded, “Will do, but I’m sure he’ll be ready by Sunday.”
“Excellent.” Gambrill hung up and only then realized he might’ve spoken out of turn by identifying Dan’s location for the past five weeks.
After putting his cell phone on the counter, Nick reached for three coffee mugs and filled them with the steaming brew. With Dan arriving from Kandahar today, he will need caffeine … unless he slept on the plane. Nick shuddered at the thought of being in a metal tube hurtling through the air. His fear of flying irrational but no less difficult to deal with than Dan’s needle phobia.
Nick’s Home – Family Room
Still processing the news from Gambrill, Nick stopped at the entrance of his family room and caught Jon’s eye. Using his head, he indicated for Jon to come to him. He handed over one of the mugs as he spoke quietly, “Called Gambrill to reschedule his requals and learned he’s been in Kandahar. Not sure why or for how long, but by the look of him tonight, we’re dealing with exhaustion on top of all the emotions.”
Jon’s eyes flared upon finding out where Dan had been. “Think he is going to rejoin the army?”
Nick shrugged. “No idea, but don’t broach the subject.”
“If he did …” Jon trailed off as two thoughts popped to mind. Dan and Lexa might be able to pursue a relationship … but would Dan survive? According to Bram, our youngest teammate requires something different, and I agree. Dan’s kill count is exceptionally high and going back to being only a point-and-shoot soldier would be difficult for him.
“Don’t go there, Jon. Him leaving isn’t the solution.”
“Never said it would be,” Jon retorted, his concern coming out as anger.
Nick eyed his tactical leader. Jon appeared in bad shape too, the weight of the guilt he carried bore down on him, but the priority tonight must be Dan. Resolving the issues with Dan would go a long way in helping Jon. “You must think before you speak tonight, and harness your anger or you’ll drive Dan away. This mediation requires restraint and finesse.”
Jon nodded and clamped down on his inner turmoil. “Lead the way, Boss, and I’ll follow.”
Satisfied Jon would behave, Nick moved forward and noted Jon resumed his position on the coffee table. As he set both cups on the side table and stood studying Dan’s blank features and lost eyes, he realized Dan had not moved an inch, nor shifted the location of his gaze, but at least the shivering reduced to a mild quiver.
How to reach him? How to make him understand we care? Taking a few calming breaths, Nick’s heart ached for what they caused. First things first, deal with the shock, then the rest. Nick picked up one mug as he crouched in front of Dan. “Coffee?”
Dan did not move or respond, so Nick uncovered one arm from the blanket and placed his hand on Dan’s wrist. When he didn’t flinch or pull away, Nick lifted Dan’s hand, turned it sideways, and moved the mug, so it touched his palm. He held it there and waited. Nick inwardly sighed, a bit relieved Dan’s grip tightened around his coffee cup, and his other hand snaked out from the covers to hold it too. Once it appeared Dan maintained a solid grasp, he let go, and inched backward to sit beside Jon.
His world nebulous, a swirl of gray mist where nothing existed in any form … no pain and no confusing thoughts intruded in his peaceful realm. Dan didn’t want to leave his place of refuge and would be content to remain forever, but warmth in his hand and a wafting aroma slowly drew him out.
Hands lifted of their own accord, and Dan inhaled a familiar and desired scent. On auto-pilot, he sipped. As the black-gold warmed his insides, the real world began to take form.
Nick patted Jon’s knee and a slight smile formed as Dan began consuming the coffee. He lifted his own and decided to wait until Dan spoke first.
Over the next ten minutes, as Dan continued to drink, he became aware of his surroundings and who sat staring at him. Ah crap, I must’ve zoned out. This happened to him on occasion, at least according to Brody. Dan never recalled the trigger, what occurred while catatonic, nor how much time passed. Brody and Blaze both believed this to be an involuntary defense mechanism which kicked in to protect him when overwhelmed by emotions. A crappy coping device, Dan supposed because it left him with unknowns.
Dan remained quiet, not moving except to swallow his beverage while wracking his brain to recall the events which led to this. A vague recollection of being upset on the way over to Boss’ home drifted in. I came to terms with everything and figured out what I needed to say to them. So why did my defenses kick in?
Searching through his day, Dan found potential triggers. Jet lag and the damned black box sent me down a dark path. The box represents everything I don’t want and the real possibility everything I want and care about might be snatched away from me at any moment. I’m sick of my life being ripped apart … and in my dog-tired state … no wonder I went into emotional overload.
His mind turned to the present. What did I do? How did I get in Boss’ family room? Did I sit down and zone out or did I do something embarrassing? Hoping he didn’t do anything humiliating, he raised the warm mug and took another sip as he tried to figure out what to say since it appeared Boss and Jon waited for him to speak.
Shifting his gaze to Jon, Dan noted the tactical lead’s attire to be in a bit of disarray, with a small tear in his t-shirt. Moving his eyes to Boss, he glimpsed an understanding smile. As he lowered the mug to his thigh, Dan glanced down at his clothing, finding them dirty and a button missing from his shirt. His hand roamed to his throat and rubbed lightly.
Blue eyes snapped back to Jon as an impossible, hazy memory surfaced. No way in hell did that happen! My mind must be playing tricks on me. Disbelief in his rough voice, Dan broke the silence in the room. “Did you tackle me and put me in a choke hold?”
Jon blew out a breath and admitted with regret, “Yes, I did.”
Dan stared at Jon for a long moment. The idea seemed incredulous, but Jon confirmed the event transpired. “Why?”
Observing the interplay, Nick kept a close watch on Dan’s eyes. They always told more than his facial expression and body language. No longer vacant, they reflected life and confusion. As Jon remained silent, likely waiting for him to take the lead, Nick calmly answered, “Because you wanted to leave.”
Jon struggled to stay quiet, but chose his words carefully and kept all anger from this tone as he said, “I chased you down and tackled you because I didn’t want you to go before having a chance to apologize for hurting you … I mean with my words in the bar, not the tackle, but yeah, that too. I want an opportunity to make you realize you’re not alone, and we care … I care.”
I tried to leave? What exactly did I say? Crap, what did I do? Dan lifted the cup again as he attempted to put the pieces together.
Nick wondered if in Dan’s heightened emotional state impeded his memory of events. “Dan, what do you remember?”
Dropping his gaze to his lap along with the mug, Dan stared at the half empty vessel. “Getting into the cab at my place. Feeling angry, bitter, hurt … tired … then sitting here. What happened? How did I screw up this time?”
Flicking his focus to Nick, seeking permission to continue and receiving a slight nod, Jon moved from the table to sit close on the couch but still giving Dan space. Dan didn’t pull back or look at him, so he reached out and lay a hand on his shoulder. Though Dan flinched, Jon kept his hand in place.
Speaking with sincerity, Jon said, “Dan, you have every right to feel those things. What we. No. What I did is inexcusable. There is no excuse for my behavior. I failed to respect my teammate … my friend. My cruel and inconsiderate words hurt you, and I understand if you cannot forgive me, but I hope one day you will.”
Dan listened, his head still down, not ready to respond, still confused at what occurred to place him here. He didn’t trust what might come out of his mouth, so he remained silent.
Nick’s eyes softened, and with genuine openness, he expressed his feelings. “Dan, I’m very sorry for my actions and assumptions. You are important to me and everyone on the team. Things wouldn’t be the same without you. I sincerely hope you can find it in your heart to forgive us. I did a poor job of showing you I care, but I do. You deserved better treatment from your sergeant. I promise to be better, to strive to be worthy of your friendship.”
Dan’s head shot up and met Nick’s fretful eyes. He firmly asserted, “You are worthy.”
With a pained smile and tight eyes, Nick reached out and placed his hand on Dan’s knee. “No, I was not, but I will be if you give me a chance.”
“I broke the rules. This is all my fault,” Dan countered.
Jon contradicted, “No, Dan, this isn’t all your fault. It takes two to be in a relationship. I made assumptions and overreacted based on what I overheard and unleashed an unwarranted personal attack. You should expect better from me as your TL and friend. I wish I could explain to you why I chose to lash out at you instead of listening, but I still can’t figure it out myself. I owe you an explanation, but I just don’t have one.”
Softly Dan said, “I do.”
“You do? What?” Jon peered Dan, interested in his insight.
Taking a deep breath, Dan shared the conclusions he came to over the last few weeks. “I spoke to Blaze about this while in Kandahar.”
Jon shared a glance with Nick but refrained from asking why Dan went to Kandahar.
“As Blaze explained to me, you’re a protector … plain and simple. If you think one of the team is doing something which will bring harm to themselves or others you turn into a guardian. Our methods may be different but, in that way, we’re much alike. Sometimes when in protector mode we do or say things we regret later. We tend to react on instinct without thinking about all the consequences.”
Astonished, and a bit shocked by the picture Dan painted, Jon only stared as Dan continued, “In this case, your concern for Lexa, the team, and even me threw you into overdrive. All the possible scenarios went through your head as to what might happen if Lexa or I violated the priority of life code.”
Giving Jon a slight smirk, Dan explained, “There again we are alike. Assessing potential outcomes is a critical part of our job. You made some wrong assumptions in your assessment, and your execution sucked, but your intent was not malicious. You only wanted to protect those you care about. I know without a doubt that includes me.”
Jon choked up at the last sentence. He took a moment to review Dan’s words. How the hell did Dan and Blaze come up with the answer I searched for but couldn’t find? He swallowed hard trying to remove the emotional lump in his throat, needing to say something, but before he could, Dan turned to Nick.
Peering directly into Nick’s eyes, Dan said, “Boss, as for you. We are not so alike, but I know how much Lexa means to you and you to her. Some of your actions could be described as those of a caring father. I’m happy you take on that role for her and do not begrudge you putting her first. Though she would deny it with her last breath, Lexa needs protectors.”
After taking a brief pause, Dan added, “You also had a duty as team sergeant to ensure the rules are followed. I understand your role often requires you to make decisions you may not like personally. Just like a soldier must follow orders they don’t like. I understand … truly I do. Sometimes it is hard, but the best leaders make those tough calls.”
Dan’s voice became a little rough with emotion as he said, “You could’ve written us up, kicked one of us off the team, or even fired us. But you kept it off the books. For that, I am grateful, mostly because it would’ve affected Lexa too. I would never want to do anything to hurt her. She needs the team more than she wants me.”
Nick found himself floating in the same emotional lifeboat as Jon. Here was the one who had been mistreated offering up excuses for the offender’s actions … insightful excuses. “Can you ever forgive us?”
Dan gave them a lopsided grin. “I forgave you the moment you found me in the basement. I won’t lie, the words hurt and I needed time to work through my emotions. But when you both knelt next to me, I meant it when I said, knew you would come for me. Thanks for caring.”
Tears started to well in Dan’s eyes. “The real question is, do you still trust and can you work with me? I hid my relationship with Lexa and knowingly broke a protocol. If you cannot, I must leave because a lack of trust out there on the job will put the team and innocents at risk and I can never allow that to happen again.”
Nick declared, “Dan, please, never doubt I trust you.”
Jon spoke up, “Dan, you’ve demonstrated time and time again you deserve my trust, and I give it to you without reservation. But what did you mean by you can’t let that occur again?”
Taking a minute to process their answers, Dan accepted them before his mind switched to Jon’s question. It was not something he liked to think about. He had only ever talked with Wilson, Dutch, and Buzz about it. He decided to trust them. He took the last sip of his coffee. “It’s kinda a long story, but if you want to hear, I’ll tell you.”
“Only if you want to share,” Nick replied.
Though intrigued, Jon didn’t want to press, not after tonight so he said, “No pressure, Dan. It’s alright not to say anything if you would rather not.”
“As I said, it kinda long. I’m gonna need a bit more caffeine. Boss, do you have more coffee?” Dan asked as he yawned.
“I do.” Nick smiled and grabbed his mug to get a refill. “Be back in a moment.” He headed for the kitchen, pleased with how their fence mending progressed so far. Dan’s capacity for forgiveness astounded him, yet it shouldn’t. He also thought about how Dan defended Lexa … they had been so wrong, and now he wondered if Lexa deserved someone as stalwart and honorable as Dan.
Blue Wall of Silence
61
June 26
Nick’s Home – Family Room – 8:45 p.m.
Returning with coffee and a plate of cookies, Nick handed the full mug to Dan and offered him the treats before setting the plate on the table. He chose to sit in the chair opposite Dan as Jon reached out to grab a cookie then scooted back to the other corner of the couch giving Dan more space.
Dan munched on the lemon shortbread, wishing he had eaten more of his dinner now. After finishing, he took a long sip of coffee, gathering his thoughts. Once ready, he rested his mug on his thigh, and began, “The timing is strange. Fate always screws with me one way or another. This is related to why I left the Fourteenth Division and joined the military. It is also associated with Snow and the others. I assume since you found me, you’re aware of my role in the case against them.”
Jon nodded. “Yes, we are. This might not be tactful, but I’m not sorry they’re all dead, I only wish Cooke had not ended his life as he did.”
Dan’s head whipped between Nick and Jon. “They’re dead?”
“Don’t you know?” Nick snagged a shortbread.
“No, I haven’t watched TV since the day at Bella’s chalet when I saw the news report about them being apprehended … been out of country for the last five weeks. How’d you guys capture them, and how did they die?”
Though Jon wanted to ask about Bella and why Dan was in Kandahar, he allowed Nick to take the lead, worried he might let the cat out of the bag about Bram and Ray knowing the entire story.
Nick shared with him the stakeout details, minus Robert’s comments, and how all four ex-officers
died at the courthouse.
Dan shook his head in disbelief, the sniper’s name recently familiar to him via his chat with Bella while viewing old photos. “Henry Cooke, you say?”
“Yeah, Snow and his crew victimized both Henry and his wife. Ellie Cooke was one of their earliest targets. Though I don’t condone vigilantism, there is no doubt the man possessed talent with a rifle. Not many snipers could make the shots he did. The retired sergeant believed he was protecting innocents and righting an injustice. He even signed his suicide note, God’s Servant and Custodes de Innocentio.” Jon reached to grab another treat, now hungry since he had not eaten much today, worried how things might go.
Dan emitted a strangled chuckle as he recognized the true meaning of Cooke’s salutation. A Guardian, like me. Unable to reveal that part, Dan chose to say, “My life is full of weird coincidences. Bella’s husband and my Grandfather Broderick served with Sergeant Cooke, and my father broke his shooting records.”
“And you broke your father’s records.” Jon grinned.
Nick’s brows rose. “Wow! What a small world.”
Wanting to distance himself from thinking about his dad, Dan changed the subject. “I can’t believe the grandson of one of Charley’s victims ended up in the holding cell with him and snapped his neck.”
“Karma can be a real bitch,” Jon stated.
Dan nodded, blew out a long breath, and grabbed another lemon cookie. Before biting it in half, he shared, “Can’t say I’m sorry they are dead either. I hated Brogan, Al, Robert, and Charley. What happened with them was the catalyst setting things in motion which caused me to leave the police force.”
Nick frowned quizzically. “Aren’t they the direct reason?”
Dan shook his head. “No. It is what occurred after. At eighteen, I tended to be idealistic and a bit naïve. Took me a little over a month to recover from their assault, and while recuperating at Bella’s home, I received anonymous hate mail. Most contained words like rat, narc, turncoat, better watch your back because I won’t, and things of that nature. I attributed them to Brogan and company. But later on, I discovered they came from others.