What Holds Us Together

by Sandi Ward

  Believe me, I’m consumed with the same concern—is there a chance his college acceptance will be revoked? Sam’s counting on that four-year scholarship to UCLA. It’s his only option. He can’t lose it. I’ve been in knots with worry, knowing his future is in jeopardy. I’d go to Mr. Galanes and plead Sam’s case, but what’s done is done. If UCLA has heard about his latest suspension, what can we possibly do about it at this point?

  Sam glances up at me, and he tries to smile. But he still looks gloomy.

  Grabbing my hand, he suggests, “Do you want to get out of here for a while?”

  “What do you mean? Go for a walk outside?”

  “Yeah. No. I mean, let’s leave. Leave the prom.”

  I look up and glance around the room. Girls looking pretty in pastel dresses. Boys in tuxedos. A million gold and black balloons on the ceiling and the floor. Dirty plates on tables with silverware piled on top, and dessert next. It’s fun here. Why would I want to leave?

  But then Sam squeezes my hand. “Annie.” And when I turn back, he looks so sad. It’s more important to be there for Sam than spend yet another hour dancing, isn’t it? Things are winding down anyway.

  “But we haven’t danced to ‘Stairway to Heaven’ yet!”

  He gazes at me with a serious look on his face and doesn’t let go of my hand. “Doesn’t matter. I’ll play it for you in the car.”

  “Okay. But Lisa . . .”

  “Tell her to get a ride with Tindall, okay? And we’ll meet them at Ellie’s after party.”

  I hesitate. “Wait—where do you want to go?”

  “The beach.” He lights up, for the first time since Mrs. Evans arrived. “There’s a full moon. And it’s finally a little warm out. We can spin the beach, maybe stop for a while. I don’t know. Then we’ll go straight to the party, and we won’t have to come back here.” I must still look uncertain, because he continues. “Please. I’m sick of this school and I just want to get out of here.”

  “Okay, okay. I’ll go tell Lisa. I’ll be right back.”

  Lisa is dancing, her hands up over her head, and she looks like she’s having a good time for once. I’m hugely relieved, considering I didn’t see her earlier. So rather than bother her, I find Mark.

  “Hey,” I say, tapping his arm. Mark is standing with a few kids from band. “Would you mind giving Lisa a ride to the after party? Sam and I are gonna go for a ride. Out to the beach.”

  He adjusts his glasses. “You and Sam, huh? Going for a ride, huh?” he asks loudly, so the whole circle can hear. “Well, well, well. I guess it’s about time.” Mark laughs. “Have fun, okay? But not too much fun, if you know what I mean.”

  “It’s not like that,” I sigh. Although . . . maybe it’s exactly like that. I guess I’ll have to see how it goes.

  I find Sam waiting in a corner of the gym. When we burst out through the back door, the clean spring air is refreshing and fills my head with good thoughts. You can tell we had a brief rain shower during dinner by the smell coming off of the newly paved parking lot. I feel special every time I look down at my long, shimmery gown. It’s red and silky and I love it so much. This has been a great night so far.

  Sam’s black car isn’t exactly Cinderella’s carriage. The scent of mildew and chicken soup hits me as I climb into the low passenger seat. The seats are covered in a fuzzy old fabric, worn from use; it’s ripped clear open at one corner so you can see the foam. The rubber mat beneath my feet is dirty with dried mud, and I’m not sure I want to let my brand-new, sparkly shoes touch the icky floor.

  Yet at the same time, I’m instantly cocooned in a feeling of comfort and belonging. While riding in his dad’s construction truck is fun, I’ve never been anywhere with Sam in his mom’s car, and it feels new and exciting, like we’re making a great escape. I crack my window an inch to let in the night air.

  Sam turns on the radio to his favorite classic rock station. With four older siblings, I realize Sam knows a lot more about music than I do. But still, this isn’t my favorite, and he knows it. I listen to two songs before I can’t stand it anymore.

  “Can I change the station?” We’re just pulling up in a parking space that overlooks one of the smaller beaches on the way out of town. Sam suggested we come here for privacy, assuming the beach downtown is where a lot of other kids will stop on their way to parties. He pulls into a parking space.

  “Change it? This is the only good radio station and the only one worth listening to.”

  “This is not the only good station—”

  “Don’t even start. You know that classic rock—”

  “And you know how I feel about listening to this old stuff every time! Who wants to hear the same fifty songs over and over, when there are new and better songs recorded every day?”

  “Annie, you’re breaking my heart.” He shakes his head and turns off the engine. It gets quiet, and I hear a wave crash down on the beach through my open window. “You look gorgeous, by the way. I didn’t want to say that in front of Lisa and Mark, but it’s true.”

  “No, I don’t.” I laugh. “You already criticized my hair.”

  He tosses the car keys up onto the dashboard. “No, I didn’t criticize it. I just imagined you might wear it down, that’s all. Because I’d been thinking about it a lot. But it looks good up, too.”

  I feel myself starting to blush. I have no idea what to say to that, so I change the subject.

  “Thanks for going with Lisa to the prom. She would’ve been upset if I had a date and she didn’t.” I still feel bad about the date mix-up. Of course, I would rather have gone with Sam. But, in a way, we did end up going together.

  “No big deal. It’s just one more thing in a long list of things you’ve roped me into over the past four years.” He waves that thought away. “So, my brother Danny not only helped me rent this tux, he also got me beer for tonight.” He climbs up out of his seat and reaches around the floor of the backseat, grabbing a six-pack and hauling it into the front with us.

  “So . . . is this why you wanted to go for a drive?” I eyeball the beer suspiciously. “You want to start drinking?” I assume there will be alcohol at the party later, but this surprises me.

  “You want one?”

  Before I know it, he’s pulled a bottle opener from the glove compartment and popped the top off of a bottle. So I take it. It seems rude to refuse. Plus, I don’t want to seem super lame. I’ve never had a beer before, but he doesn’t need to know that. That day on the roof was my first time trying alcohol, and I hated it, but this might be better, right? More like a soda?

  I take a sip. It’s fizzy and bitter. I force myself to swallow a mouthful, but then put the bottle down in a cupholder. Sam chugs his like it’s lemonade. Good Lord. How can he stand it?

  “Are you okay?”

  Sam shrugs. “No, I’m depressed. I can’t believe high school’s almost over. And I’m still worried about my scholarship. I can’t stop thinking about it. Even though I’m not sure I want to go to California. I don’t want to leave.”

  I give a short laugh. “Sam. You’re always so stressed out. I’ve never met anyone so tightly wound in my life. California’s going to be a blast.”

  “Yeah? Okay. If you say so.”

  “Look, it’s fine to be anxious. It’s totally normal. Your dad has been sick, and now you have to move far away, and you’ve had a lot going on. I just wanted to say . . . I never should have suggested that we go out to the golf course that day of the senior prank. I ruined Valentine’s Day.”

  He takes another drink of his beer and smiles sadly. “But I love that you suggested it. I thought it was a cool idea. That’s the pathetic thing. I mean . . . I would do any stupid thing you ask me to. I guess you already know that.”

  I shrug. “I guess so. I have no idea why you always go along with everything. And Lisa—God, I don’t even want to get into her idiocy. I don’t know how you put up with her.”

  He bites the inside of his mouth for a moment. “Becau
se.” He starts to peel the label off of his beer bottle with his thumbnail. “Because I love you.”

  I peer up at him. Love me?

  My mind flies into a panic. I guess he means as friends. He doesn’t . . . love me, right? I mean, I’ve been hoping he would say so, but it’s terrifying to hear him actually say it.

  “What?” It comes out as a whisper. But I need him to repeat it. To clarify.

  He puts his beer down next to mine and takes my hand. He squeezes it, so I can’t misunderstand, and then intertwines our fingers. “I’ve always loved you.”

  I’m incredulous. “No, you haven’t.” There’s no way that’s true. I know for a fact that he’s gone out with two other girls this year. Nothing serious, but still. He’s being dramatic.

  My heart starts beating hard. I’m in such denial. I love Sam, too, of course. I was even jealous that Lisa had his yearbook photo taped to the headboard of her bed. I had half a mind to rip it off her bed frame.

  “Yes, I have. Annie, come on. You know I have.”

  “Since when?”

  “Since always. Since forever.”

  And suddenly, I can see it. The way he looks at me. It’s not that he’s skeptical or critical or hesitant or frustrated or thinks I’m weird. He’s swoony.

  Oh, God. How did I not get that? I suppose it’s because he’s Sam Parsons. He’s the boy who’s good at math and football and is popular in school. He’s the one who’s not my type and out of reach.

  Or, maybe, he’s exactly my type and easily within my reach. And I didn’t understand.

  In the moonlight, in his tuxedo, Sam looks handsome and older. I’m not sure I belong here. He can’t possibly be talking to me, can he?

  It’s going to be fine, I tell myself. He loves you. You can’t mess this up.

  I try to force myself to relax, taking in a deep breath and letting it out. I tell myself I can handle this. It’s Sam, and I’ve known him forever.

  I pick up the beer with my free hand to take a swig of it, and to my surprise, it tastes better than the first time. I feel it slide down my throat and warm up between my ribs.

  This is the craziest night ever. It’s definitely living up to all of my prom night expectations. I can’t wait to tell Dana.

  Of course, I probably shouldn’t tell Lisa about any of this. Sam is actually her prom date, and I’ve stolen him away. Which worries me. What will she think? Is she going to get mad again?

  Who am I kidding? I know she is.

  Still holding my hand, Sam’s watching me, waiting for my response. But I’m not sure what to say. Or do. Is this where I say I love you back to him? My throat feels constricted and dry. And before I can get the words out, he starts to move.

  Sliding closer, he carefully reaches forward as if to tuck a loose curl of my hair behind my ear. But I know my hair is still perfect, and there’s nothing to fix. He just skims his fingers over my neck. I close my eyes, because—holy cow. Sam is touching me so gently. And just as I’m opening my eyes, he leans over and kisses me. It’s intense and dreamy, his mouth on mine, tasting malty and sweet like butterscotch. It’s like he’s kissing me for the first time, all over again. My whole body wants to float forward and meet up with his.

  When he pulls back for a moment, I can barely catch my breath. But I don’t want him to stop. I feel antsy and suddenly full of energy, so I kiss him right back. I feel a little crazy. I want to climb right out of my seat to get closer to him.

  “Sam!” I grab the collar of his jacket, shouting at him even though he’s inches away. “Why didn’t you tell me you loved me before?”

  He chuckles. “Easy, Karlsson. I was hoping to talk to you tonight,” he says quietly, his voice low and rumbly. I feel like I’ve never heard his voice before, and I’m only now realizing how attractive he sounds. “Annie.”

  I love the way he says my name. I can’t help smiling, but he’s very serious about it, which just makes me even happier. “Do you want to move to the back?” I blurt out. “We’d have more room.”

  He nods yes.

  The night air is cool when I step out of the car; it drifts up from the shoreline and gives me goose bumps. I can hear the waves crashing on the beach. When I climb into the rear seat, the chill sends me right back into Sam’s arms. I feel really good about being with him.

  We end up kissing for a long time, madly, intensely. I feel we have to make up for a lot of lost time, like all of the million times when he should have kissed me but didn’t. When we lay down in the back, I laugh because I’m so happy and we don’t really fit. He slips a hand under my knee to pull my leg over his so I don’t fall off the seat, and—yes, that’s even better. My dress rides way up because there’s a slit on the side, but I don’t care. His whole body against mine feels like it belongs there.

  “I’ve wanted to do this for so long.”

  “Shut up, Sam. Just kiss me.”

  When his mouth is on my neck and his hand is way down low on my back, I think I’m going to pass out from how good it feels. I caress every part of his body I can reach and it’s still not enough—I want more of him. This is seriously the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. Our bodies fit perfectly together, and I’m starting to realize that our whole lives fit together, and I have no idea why we’ve never done this before. Sam spends a long time there, kissing right at the base of my neck, and I hold the back of his head.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you for weeks after I got arrested the day of the snowball fight,” he blurts out, pulling back for a break.

  “Oh.” This catches me by surprise. “It’s okay. I told you, that was all my fault.”

  He squeezes me, with his hand on my hip. “No, it wasn’t. We all agreed to go out on the golf course. It was just—I told my dad about you, and I thought he’d be happy for me, but he was mad. He said I had to forget about girls and just focus on making money and getting into college.”

  “Sam.” I grab his shoulder. “It’s okay. Just don’t let it happen again.” I look into his eyes. “Don’t listen to your father. He’s a terrible influence on you and couldn’t be more wrong. I need you totally one hundred percent focused on girls from here on in.”

  He smiles. “You don’t need to worry about that. I think about you all the time. I told you. I love you.”

  Oh! I pause and squeeze his arm. “You’re acting so strange tonight.”

  “I want you so much.”

  I flush with embarrassment. “Me? Sam. No, you don’t.”

  I immediately regret saying anything. I seem programmed to second-guess and contradict everything Sam says. But honestly, how could he feel that way about me? I’m silly and immature. And everyone knows it.

  He isn’t put off by my nervous response. “Yes, I do. Annie. As soon as I saw you tonight, it’s all I could think about. How much I wanted to be alone with you. I think about it every day.” He holds me tighter. “It keeps me up at night. It wakes me up in the morning. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

  Oh, God. I must be dreaming. That’s really how he feels?

  Now I’m the one getting swoony.

  I love you is amazing, and it’s the best thing Sam’s ever said to me, but that’s something you could say to your mom, or your best friend, or your cat.

  I need you is wonderful, too, but that’s something you could say to your lab partner in science class, or your teammate on the softball team.

  Only I want you is something you say to the object of your romantic affection. It means that your heart has made a choice, and it’s reserved for someone special. No one’s ever said it to me before. So in combination with I love you, it just sends me over the edge.

  So how is reality supposed to now live up to these expectations? I fumble around for what to say. “Should I take off my dress?”

  He pauses and takes in a deep breath, but doesn’t let go. “Do you want to?”

  “Yeah.” With my arms around him, I feel confident that this is the right decision. “Definitely. For su
re,” I say, as if I’ve done it a million times before. The truth is, I don’t know if that’s what he has in mind, but it must be, right? I remember most of sex education from fifth grade, but not everything, not exactly. I would probably pass out if I saw a naked boy. But I’m not one to back down from a challenge. So I double down and reach over for the zipper that runs down my side.

  But I only have it unzipped about six inches when he stops my hand.

  “Umm . . . Wait. Maybe not tonight.” He takes in another deep breath and sighs. “I mean, I want to. Obviously. But I don’t have what we need.”

  “What we need . . . ?” My brain really is muddled, because it takes a minute to click. “Oh. Okay.” I smile. “You mean Danny helped you rent a tux and got you a six-pack of beer, but didn’t get you condoms?” I sigh dramatically. “What kind of older brother is he? That seems like a serious breach of brotherly obligation. A complete dereliction of duty.”

  Sam squeezes me tight and kisses my cheek. “Yeah, he’s an idiot. He messed up big-time.” He nuzzles his face into mine, and I’m overwhelmed.

  “I don’t care, Sam,” I blurt out, and I mean it. “I want to do it anyway.”

  “No, it’s okay. Let’s wait. Maybe next weekend, okay? My parents are supposed to go away overnight, and you can come over.”

  I nod. “Okay. It’s a date.” Did I just make a date for sex? Hmm, the rest of my week is officially shot. I will not be able to think about anything else.

  “Annie.” And for the first time, I fully understand what he means when he says that.

  “Sam,” I say, smiling and putting my hand on his warm cheek, feeling something in my heart break open. And just like that, it becomes easy to say. “I love you, too.”

  He nods. “Sweetheart, I want you to come to California with me. Transfer out there. Or I’ll stay here and forget about UCLA. I guess I could work for my dad.”

  “Shhh. Sam, you don’t want to do that. Don’t be insane. I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

  “But long-distance relationships are hard, and California is too far. I don’t want you to meet someone else, and—”