What Holds Us Together

by Sandi Ward

  I sit up straighter. “You know what? That’s not a bad idea. Maybe boys haven’t treated her so well in the past, and she needs a knight in shining armor to show her how she deserves to be treated. I’m sure Delilah would help you write something tonight, maybe a poem, and when the roads get cleared tomorrow you can go over to Lexi’s house. I can ask Sam to give you a ride over there, so Danny—I mean, Mr. Parsons—won’t object.”

  “A poem? No, I already told Del, no poems. That sounds terrible.” He rolls over onto his stomach and rests his chin on a hand. “But I’ll write something. I’ll think about it.” He doesn’t sound too enthusiastic, but there’s hope in his eyes. I know that look. He’s lovesick.

  I’ve seen that look before.

  I reach out and brush a stray hair from his forehead. He doesn’t flinch or pull away. Instead, he rests his head on my arm. The warmth of his cheek and the weight of his head feels just right. It feels like we’re connected.

  Confession

  LUNA

  Danny is the first to go. When he hears the town plow come by in the night, he gets up and gets dressed in the darkness. By the light of a flashlight he locates his snow pants, coats, hats, gloves, and boots. He’s soon gone, out to deal with any snow that I imagine the town plow has pushed in his way. Before the sun even comes up, I hear the truck engine start, the headlights flash on, and then he’s gone.

  Annika and Lisa sleep in the master bedroom, with me between them. They stir when they hear the front door open and close, but go back to sleep.

  Later, when my woman gets up, Sam is in such a deep sleep that Annika has to shake him. He’s lying on the couch by the woodstove, and the fire has just about gone out. She throws more logs on and gets the fire started again while he yawns and sits up.

  “Danny left you here,” she tells him.

  He wipes his face with his hand. “Oh, man. I was out cold. I’ve gotta go. I need to go see Brianna.”

  “Of course you do.” She sits next to Sam on the couch. I wait patiently by her feet, staring at Annika. It’s time for my breakfast. But I let them have a minute to talk.

  “It’s so cold in here. But at the same time, something about the snow makes it feel warmer, you know? It’s like insulation.”

  Annika nods. “Yes, Donovan said the same thing.”

  Sam drops his head. “I have to confess something.” He speaks quietly so as not to wake anyone up.

  I see Annika start to wring her hands, and she looks at him nervously. “You do? What else could there be to say? What do you mean?”

  “Don’t panic. It’s nothing too bad.” He smiles and drops his voice to a whisper. “I just wanted to be honest. I didn’t hit or run over anything with our truck. I slashed the tire because I wanted to get stuck here.” My woman’s face shows her surprise. “It wasn’t easy. It was hard to puncture a tire in a blinding snowstorm with my brother hovering around. I had to really hammer the knife in to get it through the tire. But I wanted to see you and spend time with you so bad, Annie. It was just a stupid, impulsive thing. I don’t know why I did it.”

  She smiles back, and I can see she is genuinely pleased. “And you couldn’t wait until after the snowstorm? Are you crazy?”

  “But that’s just it—the snow.” He tips his head toward the window. “It reminds me of you. And us being together.” Sam sighs and shrugs. “I’m sorry. Yeah, it was crazy. There’s a lot wrong with me.”

  “Sam, I like everything that’s right about you, and everything that’s wrong with you.”

  He chuckles and hides his face in his hand for a moment. I get up and rub my face against his ankle to let Sam know I’ve decided that I like him, too. In my mind, he never quite made it to handsome prince—at least he hasn’t gotten there yet—but I also can see that he’s not the scruffy ogre I first imagined.

  She sighs. “Will you come back and give Donovan a ride to Lexi’s house later? If you can. If you have a minute. He’ll need a bodyguard to get past Danny.”

  He takes her hand, moving his fingers until they’re intertwined with hers. “Sure. And if he needs a job this summer, if he likes to landscape, we can always use a hand with the lawn mowing. That is, as long as none of us are in jail. For arson or insurance fraud. Or anything like that.”

  Annika shakes her head. “Sam, I hope not.”

  He looks fondly at her. “You know what I want?”

  “No. What?”

  “A do-over. To see if we can work things out. I feel like we could, but we won’t know if we don’t give it a chance. I think I could make you happy. I wish you’d let me try.”

  “I hope you do try. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.”

  He leans over to kiss her. She meets him halfway, her face relaxing, and she puts her free hand on the back of his neck to pull him closer. He says something quietly in her ear, and she nods, but I cannot hear the words. Annika hums as he buries his face under her ear, trusting him and closing her eyes. She puts a hand on his shoulder blade and sighs. I think Sam would like to continue with this, with both hands on her waist and all of his attention on this one task, but Lisa comes down the stairs.

  “You guys,” she announces. “Hey, lovebirds. The roads are clear. Hallelujah.”

  The roads are clear. And our hearts are clear. Hallelujah.

  Ready to Go

  PETER

  When Annika is finally alone with the children, once Sam and Lisa have left, the kids relax. All seems well. Delilah is talkative and cheerful, going through the photos of her trip to Germany again while giving Annika details of every chocolate lebkuchen and springerle she ate. Donovan doesn’t take long to start telling her about the many German beers he tried, as if he’s now an expert. Annika listens patiently. I smile, listening to their conversation.

  Luna sits nearby, and I look at her. Goodbye, Luna, my friend.

  We miss you, Peter. We will miss you forever.

  It’s a tremendous relief to know Annika will read my journal at last. I was glad to see her hold it in her hands and flip through the pages. There’s a lot for her to read in there. So much of myself. I’ve been waiting a long time for her to read it.

  Annika was wondering if I ever forgave her. But there was never anything to forgive.

  Having two legs is not what made me a whole person. Having this family is what made me whole, and I’m so grateful for it. I’m sorry it’s over for me.

  Annika finally understands, now that she has listened to Donovan explain what is in the diary, and she has let me go. I felt her release me. It was sad, but also necessary. I feel my soul being torn from this world, and there’s somewhere else I need to go.

  * * *

  She glistens, a shine so bright it’s hard to look at her. She’s been kind and very patient, waiting all this time.

  Okay, I tell her. I’m ready.

  I get one last glimpse of my family, and then—we’re gone.

  Epilogue

  LUNA

  The snow has melted, and the small patch of green grass in front of the house emits a fresh, fragrant scent. Donovan has just finished with the old push lawnmower he found in the garage. I sit on the front step and watch a big flatbed truck come down our long driveway, while Donovan waits in the front yard with hands on his hips.

  A girl, who I’ve learned is the Lexi he always speaks to on the phone, nearly leaps out of the truck. She wears a short striped dress and has the grace and long legs of a young cat. “Hi,” she calls out with a wave. Donovan hurries to meet her and grabs her hand. They walk down the path between the house and the garage until they’re just out of sight of the truck. Donovan takes the girl in his arms and kisses her with such youthful exuberance that he bends her over backward. He plants kisses all over her face and she squeals with excitement. When he releases her, they head off toward the back of the house.

  Well! Spring is in the air, after all.

  Sam and Danny get out of the truck. There are three young trees in the back of the flatbed, and Danny
starts pointing at locations in the wooded part of the yard where they took out old trees last week. The two men have ruddy color in their faces, and I can see they spend more time outside than anyone in my family. Danny is a little thinner, but doesn’t look terribly sick, which is good to see. Maybe I’ll approach him while he works and see if I can get him to pick me up, so I can assess the situation.

  I glance up as Annika opens the front door.

  Sam sees her and smiles. “I’ll come say hi,” he calls out. “In a little while.”

  Another truck pulls up, and two more men get out. Their truck is full of stinky mulch, which I can smell before I see it.

  “Trung, you found the house,” Sam says.

  “Sure. I had to give Alexis a ride here last week,” the man grumbles. “And she sang the whole time. Loudly. At full volume. Can you imagine? She sang. Pop songs. To the radio.”

  “She sang pop songs?” Danny looks offended. “You had to listen to that garbage?”

  “She’s happy.” Sam grins at his brother.

  “Great. That’s just great.” Danny sighs, and surveys the yard. The sun is intense; he squints and holds a hand up to his eyes for shade. “Okay. So, here’s the plan.”

  I listen to the sound of his voice as it blends in with the birds calling and a leaf blower humming down the street. From inside the screen door, I hear the microwave beep as Annika has gone to heat up hot water for tea. And I hear the click-clack-click of Peter’s old typewriter, which Delilah insisted on using to finish her father’s story.

  I’m glad to know Peter’s story continues.

  He may be gone, but he’s always with us.

  Author’s Note

  Readers often ask authors where they came up with the idea for a particular story. The idea I had in my head when I started writing this novel was that 1) a family would be trapped together in a snowstorm, which would be stressful and (hopefully) lead to truths being spoken and secrets revealed; and 2) my protagonist’s high school boyfriend (and first love) would end up getting stuck with her, just long enough for her to remember what she loved about him.

  A different theme of What Holds Us Together that emerged as I wrote is how families learn to let go of a loved one who has passed on, which can be a slow and difficult process. But I also hoped to bring readers optimism about how a family might “hold together” in the face of loss.

  Beyond those themes, I thought I’d share with readers some of the specifics of the book and how they came to me. Some of the book is based on what I learned from research and experience, and some is imagined.

  First, as with my previous two cat-narrated novels, there is a nod to J. K. Rowling’s world of Harry Potter. In The Astonishing Thing, my teenager Jimmy sometimes gives his cat Boo the nicknames Crookshanks and Minerva McGonagall. As Harry Potter fans know, Crookshanks is the name of Hermione Granger’s cat, and Minerva McGonagall is the Head of Gryffindor House at Hogwarts, and her Animagus is a cat.

  When I was writing Something Worth Saving, I saw an online article listing Lily and Luna as among the most popular names for cats in the United States and realized I could carry the Harry Potter references through all three books while still using common cat names.

  So in Something Worth Saving, the Anderson family’s cat is named Lily. She explains that her full name is “Lily J. Potter,” which is the name of Harry Potter’s mother. And in What Holds Us Together, the cat’s name is Luna. Annika relates to Sam that her cat is named after Luna Lovegood, a Ravenclaw student and Harry’s friend at Hogwarts; she’s known for being dreamy and eccentric.

  The essence of Luna’s character was inspired by a script I was reading at the time I started this novel, Lettice and Lovage. My sister-in-law Laura was cast as Lettice in the play at a community theater many years ago, and my husband and I unfortunately weren’t able to see her performance. (Laura, who loved the theater, has since passed away from a lifelong illness, and I have dedicated this novel to her.) I always thought the premise of Lettice and Lovage sounded fantastic. Lettice Douffet is a tour guide who takes great liberties with historical facts; her motto is Enlarge! Enliven! Enlighten! She sees no point in being boring (at the expense of accuracy). The British actress Maggie Smith originally played the role, and I could hear her voice in my head as I read her lines. So I decided Luna, inspired by Peter, would also be whimsical. She believes in fantastic creatures and loves to hear about great adventures.

  Manchester (formally known as Manchester-by-the-Sea) is a real town on Cape Ann, on the northern coast of Massachusetts. It’s where I lived from age ten until I left for college, and I still visit a few times a year. When I graduated in 1986, Manchester Jr-Sr high school (grades 7 through 12) was very small, similar to the way it’s described in the book. I believe my graduating class had about fifty-five students. Now, they’ve replaced the old high school with a bigger, modern building and they also educate kids from the neighboring town of Essex.

  There was at one time a supermarket in downtown Manchester called Brown’s (now it’s Crosby’s) and there is in fact a drugstore within walking distance. There’s also an old stone library downtown, and a harbor where you can sit on a bench and look out at sailboats and fishing boats attached to buoys. Annika mentions sitting with the twins and eating fried clams, but I’m not sure you can actually get take-out fried clams in Manchester (although you certainly can at several places on the main street of Essex, including the famous Woodman’s of Essex).

  The intersection of Beach Street and Summer Street is a real location in downtown Manchester, but in my mind, the fictional car accident in this book takes place in a quieter and more residential section of town. (I just love the names of those particular streets.) White Beach, where Sam and Annika stop after the prom, is one of the smaller beaches off Route 127 as you head toward Magnolia and Gloucester. While in the past I have come up with fictional names for my New England towns, I figured if Matt Damon could make a movie called Manchester by the Sea, I could also get away with using a real town name in my novel.

  I named the boarding school that Judith wants the twins to attend “The President’s Academy” because I had in mind The Governor’s Academy in Massachusetts. It’s the oldest independent boarding prep school in the U.S., originally called Governor Dummer Academy, and my brother attended there for two years.

  Fires play a prominent role in some of my stories. My son trained as a volunteer firefighter in high school, which might be one reason fires are sometimes on my mind. After I wrote the first draft of this book, I read on social media about a house in Manchester that burned to the ground when firefighters could not access the house due to a snowstorm. The house was on a steep hill, and the firetrucks could not get up the icy roads and got stuck. The whole house, and everything in it, was lost in an hour (people and pets were safe). That verified for me that the fire scene at the end of this book was a realistic scenario.

  In this story, Peter lived for several years in Germany. I got the idea from my husband’s experience; my father-in-law was in the Navy and my husband lived in Stuttgart from age ten to fourteen. My husband also was new to his high school senior year, as was Peter, a tough experience for any kid but made a little easier for someone like Peter (or my husband), who finds it easy to talk to new people.

  I did research on using a prosthesis and forearm crutches when writing this story. I gathered some information from an article that appeared in a newsletter for a local hospital here in New Jersey about a dad who lost his leg from the knee down in an accident. I carried the story around in my laptop case for a year so I could refer to it when needed. Peter’s story isn’t meant to reflect the experience of every amputee; I hope I got the basic facts right, and Peter’s emotional journey is his own.

  I had one question that went unanswered. Luna describes Peter taking his prosthesis off before bed, and Annika mentions Peter curling up behind her (spooning her), but I wasn’t completely sure if he would be comfortable in that position, on his side. In t
he end, I decided for the sake of this story that Peter would be able to sleep like that, with his weight up against Annika, or at least be able to stay in that position for a short time until Annika fell asleep. I don’t think I ever mention in the story which leg he lost (right or left), and I leave that to the reader’s imagination.

  My brother had a high school classmate who as an adult passed away of sleep apnea, so I knew it was possible for Peter to die in his sleep as a man in his forties. I considered writing the story of Peter’s death differently, having Peter drown while out swimming with Donovan, but in the end decided against it. I made Donovan miserable enough without needing to go quite that far, where he’d feel personally responsible for not saving his father at the moment of his death. The way it’s written now, Donovan tries CPR, but it’s too late to make any difference and he knows that. Also, I wanted to keep the focus on Annika and Peter’s original accident, including her guilt for involving him in the car crash.

  Finally, a word about ghosts. Personally, I don’t believe in ghosts. But they make for very interesting fictional characters.

  I appreciate Susan Breen looking at and critiquing this story when it was still a mishmash of ideas, and helping me form it into something that resembled a novel. Thanks very much to Krista Riccioni for offering a thoughtful evaluation of another early draft.

  A huge thank-you to my agent Stacy Testa at Writers House for her thoughts, suggestions, and tremendous help in getting the final draft of this story together and her assistance in all things related to writing, publishing, and promotion. I depend on her advice, and I’m thankful for her support!

  Thanks very much to my editor at Kensington Books, John Scognamiglio. I’m lucky to be with Kensington, and I’m grateful for the whole tremendous team of people who work on my books in production and promotion: Lulu Martinez, Larissa Ackerman, Lauren Jernigan, Alexandra Nicolajsen, Megan Zim-lich, Kristine Mills, and Carly Sommerstein. I hope I have remembered everyone! It’s terrific working with people who love books and work so hard to get stories in the hands of readers.