by Rhys Everly
“Fuck knows,” he said, and I turned to look at him. “I mean, I guess it makes sense why she… he left. I don’t know why he didn’t take me with him, though.”
Hudson had moved to his desk and was throwing everything he could find in the bag.
“You can ask him.”
“Yeah, maybe,” he said. “Can you get Romeo’s stuff? Will your family have a problem with him?”
I looked at Romeo who was now lying on Hudson’s bed, his eyes darting from one to the other.
“Are you kidding? Summer won’t leave him alone long enough to breathe, and Luke will demand he sleeps in his room. Mom used to foster dogs, but somehow we never ended up with one. I think because Yaya didn’t want one more thing she’d have to take care of for everyone,” I said.
“That’s cool,” he said, zipping up the bag.
I walked over to Romeo’s corner and emptied his bowl of water, put his kibble back in its bag, and picked up his bed.
Romeo didn’t stop staring at me while I packed up his stuff and put it in another gym bag I found on top of the closet.
“Don’t worry, buddy. You’re not going anywhere alone,” I said to him and approached him to scratch his ears.
He immediately melted into a puddle next to me on the bed, taking all the scratches I could give him.
“I’m ready. I think,” Hudson said.
I turned to look at him, his eyes red and wet.
I walked over to him and took him in my arms. His arms encompassed me as he hugged me back, the warmth of his body the only soothing thing in this situation.
“It’s going to be okay. And don’t worry. If you forgot something, I’ll come and pick it up,” I said.
“Like I’m letting you come here alone.”
“I’ll bring Dad. He’s bigger than Jack. He’ll be fine,” I said.
I looked over to Romeo and called him to me, and with his lead back in my hand, I went down the attic stairs with Hudson behind me.
When I looked up, Hudson’s head was still inside the attic, his body clinging on to the staircase, and I pulled at his jeans to get his attention.
“Hey. I know it’s hard to leave this place behind,” I said.
Hudson looked down and shook his head.
“It’s not that. It’s the memories of this room I’m leaving behind,” he said. “We spent so much time here together when we were young. I’ve always treasured those moments.”
I pointed at his heart and smiled.
“They’re all still in there.”
Hudson cupped half my face with his hand and smiled, too.
“Yeah. I know.”
He gave me a kiss and then went down the stairs, two bags around his shoulders, while I carried Romeo’s bag.
As we came to the hallway, Jack walked in slamming the door behind him.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he snapped at Hudson.
“Getting the hell out of here,” I said.
“No one talked to you,” Jack slurred.
“Shut up, Jack,” Hudson shouted at him. “Come on, Nathan.”
Jack stood in the way and wouldn’t let us pass.
“You aren’t going anywhere.”
“Didn’t you say if I didn’t like it here I should leave? That’s exactly what I’m doing.”
“And where are you going to go? Huh? Who’s going to take you in?”
“Me,” I said. “And for once in his life, he’ll be loved, jackass.”
Jack definitely didn’t appreciate me calling him that because he tried to jump me, which made Romeo snarl and Hudson grab his dad by the collar and push him to the side.
“What’s he done to you? Huh? Is it drugs? What has he given you to make you a fag like him?”
“Just make up your mind, dude,” I said opening the door. Hudson still had him pinned against the wall. “Either he took after his mom, or it’s my influence. It can’t be both. Oh, wait, I know what it is. He was born this way? Come on, Hudson.”
I stood outside, waiting for Hudson to come join us.
“And as for what he’s given me? Something you don’t know the meaning of,” Hudson snarled under his breath. “Love.”
And with that, he pushed his dad into the living room and came out with me.
His mom, Julian, was still there, watching his son.
“Do you have anywhere to go? You can come with me,” he said.
Layla started barking in the car when she saw Romeo again, and Romeo responded by barking equally loud toward her direction.
“Now I can come with you?” Hudson snapped at him, too. “What about all those years ago? You didn’t want me then.”
“That’s not true, my sweet dumpling. I never wanted to leave you,” he said.
“Whatever,” Hudson said and walked to the car, stashing the bags in the backseat. “Come on, Nathan.”
I looked at Julian, saw the pain in his eyes, and hesitated for a moment before walking toward my car.
“Nathan,” he said. “I knew you looked familiar.”
I turned to look at him.
“Yeah. I’ve grown quite a bit since the last time you saw me.”
“You have,” Julian smiled. “I-I saw you at that café. And on the street.”
“And?” I asked.
I didn’t want to be rude. But I also didn’t want Hudson to get pissed with me, too, for talking to his mom.
“You seem to be making him happy,” he said.
“He makes me happy, too,” I said.
“I’m glad to know that,” he said. I turned again and looked at Hudson, who was sitting inside the car watching me. “Nathan. Please, I need to talk to him. Not-not now. Not here. But once he’s calmed down.”
I turned around and pursed my lips in understanding. The truth was, he wouldn’t have come back if there wasn’t a good reason. Not after all these years.
And Hudson deserved to hear the truth about what happened.
“I’ll try and talk to him,” I said.
Julian reached a hand, and when I shook it, I realized there was a card in it.
“So you can call me,” he said and walked to his car, passing mine in the process.
He stood outside the window for a moment looking at Hudson, but Hudson was staring at me.
Then Julian got in his car and drove off.
“What did he say?” Hudson asked.
“That he wants to talk. When you’re ready,” I said. I didn’t want to hide anything from him.
“Well,” he said. “I’m not.”
Thirty-Seven
Hudson
“Hey, there’s a nice studio apartment downtown,” Nathan said, scrolling through his tablet.
We’d just had the biggest meal of our lives. Probably because Nathan had told Yaya what had happened, but also because she always overfed everyone.
No complaints from me.
“We can check it out,” I said, and Nathan showed me the pictures. And the price. “Woah, slow down, babe. Where are we going to find all that money?”
“Well, I’ve got some savings,” he said.
“No. We’re not touching your savings. They’re for your brewery,” I said.
“Fuck the brewery. This is an emergency,” he said.
I watched Romeo run around the backyard with Summer. I could tell already those two would be best pals.
“No. We’ll keep looking. It’s only been a day. We’ll find something,” I said. “And I need to ask George if he has full time shifts.”
Nathan’s phone buzzed, and he reached for it on the table and read his screen, his face going blank.
“Who’s that? Your other boyfriend?” I joked.
He didn’t laugh. Or play along. So I sat up on the deck chair and reached over to shake him.
“Hey, did you fall asleep?”
“Huh?” he said and looked at me. “No.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“I…uhm. It’s your… Julian,” he said.
“And?”
Nathan sat up, too, and stared at me.
“He said he has to go back home to his family tomorrow, and he’d love to meet before then, but he can always come up next weekend,” he said.
“Oh,” I said.
“I can tell him you’re not ready yet,” he said, but I shook my head.
The truth was I was ready. More than ready. When we managed to settle in Nathan’s old room and I’d had time to think, I wanted to talk to him.
To find out what happened all those years ago and what changed. Why he was back all of a sudden?
I mean, that was the whole point of writing that letter for Harlow U ‘zine, wasn’t it? Because I had so many questions, and I wanted answers.
“It’s okay,” I said.
We’d spent enough time apart. It was time I knew the real reason why my mom had abandoned me.
“Tell him I want to meet.”
Nathan nodded and squeezed my knee.
“If you’re sure,” he said.
“I am,” I replied. “Will-will you come with me?”
Nathan looked up, his blue eyes warm and sweet.
“Of course. I’m always here for you,” he said and leaned away from his deck chair to give me a kiss.
“Hudson and Nathan sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G,” Summer sang from the little artificial pond where Romeo had decided to take a dive in.
“Shut up, Summer,” Nathan called out to her with fake irritation. “We’re not sitting in a tree.”
Summer giggled and then screeched when Romeo came out of the water and shook his wet fur off on her.
“Tonight then,” Nathan said. “Where?”
“Somewhere safe,” I said. “Maybe The Beer Residency?”
Nathan rolled his eyes. “Only if you want the entire bar to know your business.”
He was right. The Residency was too small and tight.
“How-how about your dad’s?”
Nathan beamed.
“Sure. I doubt Jack will step a foot in there after my dad’s coming out,” he said and picked up his phone to message Julian.
Four hours later, we were sitting at a booth, Julian and Layla across from us. Romeo was at home under Luke’s supervision, and thank God, because we needed to have an adult conversation without the dogs distracting us.
“Here we go,” Kyle said, holding a tray in his hands. “One Triple Choc Stout for my weirdo friend”—he put down Nathan’s beer—“one IPA for you, sweetie”—he put down my beer—“and a blond beer for you. Are y’all eating at all?”
Kyle’s eyes darted curiously between the three of us as we all shook our head, and he left very, very slowly.
“So,” I said. “Why are you back?”
Julian held his beer with both hands as if he was hoping for some of its courage by osmosis.
“I… well, Trish found your article on the Harlow University website,” he said.
“Trish?” I asked.
What I really wanted to ask was, “Did you read it? What do you have to say for yourself?”
Julian smiled.
“Trish… is my wife,” he said.
I nodded. So that was who he meant by family in his message.
“She showed it to me. She knew what I used to call you. And your initials matched.”
Silence dropped between us as I didn’t know what else to say. Other than all those fucking questions in my head that couldn’t take a number.
“I… I’m so sorry, Hudson. I should have come back a long time ago,” he said, breaking down at the last part.
“Why didn’t you?” I asked, trying real hard to not break down with him.
“Because I was scared,” he said.
“Of Jack?”
“Of you,” he said, taking me by surprise.
“I-I don’t unders—”
“I think it’s time I tell you what really happened all this time ago.” Julian took a sip and set his beer down again. “I met Trish when you were nine. I never intended for anything to happen, but… she made me feel good. Loved. She accepted me for who I was. So I started seeing her every chance I got.
“There had always been something… something that didn’t feel right. I thought it was your dad. That I didn’t really love him. That he didn’t really love me. But it wasn’t just that.
“She helped me find my real self. Figure out who I was and what was wrong with me. Turns out there was nothing wrong with me. I just wasn’t born right. In the wrong body.
“Anyway. Your dad found out about her and I, and he went mad. He wanted me out of the house. Out of your life. He said he didn’t want a sick lesbian around his child. That you’d be better off without me,” he said, the tears running freely down his cheeks.
“And you believed him?” I whisper-shouted. Why would he believe anything that came out of that man’s mouth?
“Of course not. But I had nothing, my dumpling. No money, no assets, no power to fight him. It was different back then. It wasn’t easy to be a lesbian parent, let alone a trans parent. I couldn’t fight for you. But God, I wish I’d tried.”
“So instead, you ran off with your girlfriend? She couldn’t help you fight for me?”
Julian nodded and bit his lip.
“There’s no real excuse. We were both terrified. We were scared if Jack called the police on us, Trish would get hurt or arrested, and I’d lose you for good.”
“Why would she get hurt?”
Julian looked up to the ceiling and took a deep breath.
“Because she’s black. Can you imagine? A white trans man and a black lesbian woman trying to get custody of one’s child? We were just too scared for our own lives. But that’s not what you want to hear.
“I left with what I was wearing. I didn’t even manage to get my album. My pictures of you. And we ran away.” He looked up at the ceiling again, fighting the tears this time. “I wish we hadn’t. But I was so insecure back then. I thought you wouldn’t love me if you knew the truth about me.
“Trish helped me transition, stood by my side when I didn’t know what I was doing or when I was fighting to keep my job, and we became a family. I never, not for one day, stopped thinking about you. But I didn’t know how to come back. I didn’t know if you’d turned out like your dad and would reject me like he did.
“I think what kept me away was fear that you’d turn me down. And I’d rather live with the memory of my sweet dumpling loving me with all his heart than my own son hating me.”
My eyes were so blurry, and I didn’t know how to stop myself.
My mother, my own mother, was terrified I was like my dad.
And I had been. If he’d come before when I was in high school, I’d probably have told him to fuck off. So how could I blame him for fearing I was just like him? I had been.
Or part of me had been.
And Nathan? He’d been scared of me. I’d treated him like shit. Like Dad had treated Mom.
“I-I needed you. Do you know how many times I cried myself to sleep because you left me with that jackass?” I said to him.
I wanted to shout at him. To tell him what a monster he was for leaving me behind. But I couldn’t find it in me.
Part of me was relieved he’d come back for me. Even if he was late.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, my sweetie,” he said.
Nathan scooted out of the seat, and Julian and I got up. He took me in his arms and held me there, crying into each other’s embrace.
It might have been almost a decade since my mom held me like that, I might have been small and unaware of the reality, but just two seconds back into his arms and I felt like a ten-year-old again in need of his mom.
“Oh, you have no idea how good this feels,” he said.
“I missed you,” I said.
We stayed there for what felt like hours. When we finally separated from each other’s arms, I looked at his face, so different yet so much the same. He looked like an older version of me. He
ll, even his patchy stubble was like mine.
“What do I call you now?”
Julian smiled at me and squeezed my hands in his.
“You can call me anything you want,” he said.
“Can-can I still call you mom?” I asked him.
“I’d love that,” he said and hugged me again.
“I can’t wait for you to meet your little sister,” he said when we sat back down.
“I’ve got a sister?” I asked.
Julian took a gulp of his beer and nodded.
“Yes, Ella. We adopted her four years ago. She’s turning ten this week,” he said.
“Is that why you needed to go back tomorrow?” Nathan asked.
I’d almost forgotten he was here. But how could I forget? He was right by my side, helping me through one of the most challenging times of my life. I couldn’t love this man more than I already did.
“Yes,” Mom said. “Do you want to come meet them?” he asked.
“Can I?” I asked.
“Of course.”
“I don’t want to intrude,” I said.
“You’re family, my dumpling. You’re not intruding. You’re welcome, too, Nathan.”
Nathan smiled and raised an eyebrow.
“Well, no offense Julian, but I wasn’t going to leave him alone, anyway. But thanks for making it less awkward.”
Mom burst out in laughter, and everyone turned to watch our table.
But I didn’t care if they were watching. They could watch all they wanted. I was the happiest man in the world.
Not only did I have a fantastic, funny, and sexy man by my side, but I also had just gained my mom back. And added a step-mom and a sister to my family.
How much better could things get?
Thirty-Eight
Nathan
We didn’t stay long after Julian finished telling his story. Hudson and I agreed to meet him outside his B&B the next day so we could go visit his family, and we left for home.
“How are you feeling?” I asked him when we got into my room.
Hudson turned to look at me and smiled. His face was full of color, his cheeks rosy and so damn pinchable.
“I’m good,” he said.
“Are you sure?”