by Alana Terry
“But I really have to ...”
“Get on, go.” He nudged her playfully. “Before I change my mind and give you even more cash.”
Susannah glanced back once at Kitty, who was thrilled to see her sister bested. Susannah couldn’t help but smile back. “All right. I’ll be ...”
“Yeah, yeah.” Derek waved his hands in the air. “You’ll be back later, goodnight, thanks so much, all that good stuff. Now get out of here, kiddo, before I tell Ricky Fields you’re free for a night on the town.”
The jocularity was too much for Kitty, who started to laugh and sprayed formula onto Derek’s shirt.
Susannah paused for a minute, wondering if he remembered where the rags were, but he wiped himself down with a corner of the tablecloth, turned to her, and said this time in a normal voice, “Go have a little fun, all right? Do some Christmas shopping, stretch your legs. It will do you good.”
Susannah nodded. “Ok, thanks.”
“Drive carefully,” he told her, and in their eyes passed the echoes of sadness they both shared.
“I will.”
“Watch out for the ice on the walkway!” he called after her, and then Susannah was outside and alone, with a hundred dollars in cash and no idea what she was going to do with herself for the next three hours.
CHAPTER 42
July 25
Dear Scott,
Nine more days! Can you believe it? Then we’ll be together. I hope you like carbs because Mom’s planning to bake up a storm. It’s a good thing you’re not on a diet or anything since she’s a fabulous cook. I wish I could be more like her!
I know it’s selfish, but I’m so glad you’re home. I’m sure you were a real blessing to the interns. You know, for a while I was disappointed I couldn’t go, but I see now how it will be even more special when the first time we meet face to face will be with my whole family here. They’re all going to love you. I just know it.
Something you need to know about Derek is he’s always joking, so don’t let him get under your skin. Whatever he says, it’s teasing. It’s taken me time to get used to because for so long our family was really serious, but now it’s joking, joking, joking all the time. Just yesterday, Derek took that photograph Kitty loves so much where she’s in the prom dress, and he cut out Jim Carey’s face from The Mask and taped it over the face of the boy she was dancing with. He just did it during the night while she was sleeping, and then this morning we all woke up to her laughing so hard she almost choked. It took fifteen minutes just to get her calm enough that she could breathe normally again! But it wasn’t anything to worry about. It was just fun. She’s not due for her checkup for a few more days, but she’s so much better. It never did turn into pneumonia either, thank God. But I’m still glad I stayed home from the summer trip because otherwise I would have been spending so much time worrying about her.
Nine days! I sometimes think this must be some sort of dream. We’ve tried so many times to get together and it never worked. Now I think God was saving it so the first meeting would be extra special, just like I know it will be.
Mom asked me if I was nervous to meet you, but I’m not. Just excited. Excited to finally know what it’s like to have you right there while we’re talking. It’s going to be wonderful. See you soon. (I can’t believe I just wrote that!)
Yours,
Susannah
CHAPTER 43
Susannah hadn’t had a night off since her mom died. It took her five minutes sitting in the garage before she convinced herself to put the car into reverse instead of running back into the house and telling Derek she would take care of Kitty’s dinner.
Getting out of her own driveway was the first obstacle. Deciding where to go was the next. It wasn’t like Orchard Grove had big malls or shopping centers. The Christian bookstore had gone out of business last year, and the only real friends her age had left Orchard Grove after graduating.
She passed the road to Ricky Field’s house, and for a brief second she thought about stopping by. But what would she say? What would be the point? She drove on and realized she was hungry. She had money but refused to walk into a diner and eat a meal alone, which is how she soon found herself at the Walmart food court.
She sat down with a grilled chicken salad, wishing she’d brought a book with her or something else to do to pass the time. Her Bible maybe.
God, I’m thankful that Derek is giving me this break. I just wish I had known about it beforehand so I could be prepared.
She thought about the cash in her purse, about what kind of Christmas present she should find for Kitty. Then something for herself too. Derek had been adamant about that.
Good thing she was at Walmart, where she could find everything she would ever need or want, throw it in a shopping cart, and make it home in time to put Kitty to bed. It wasn’t until she started eating her salad that she realized how much her body was craving fresh produce. Her mom had always kept the fridge stocked with healthy foods, creating elaborate meal plans far more varied and wholesome than bowl after bowl of leftover soup. Susannah knew the basics of cooking. She just didn’t have the energy to justify making big fancy dinners when she was the only one who could eat them.
Christmas would be her first meal that didn’t come out of a single pot in months. Derek would come over in the afternoon with a ham, and she was supposed to think up a few sides. Nothing fancy, since it would only be her and her sister and her stepdad. Maybe she’d find a pre-made crust and make an apple pie for dessert.
Speaking of desserts, she should probably use this night off to drive down to Baxter Loop and buy some of the Amish Friendship bread starter there instead of wandering the aisles at Walmart, praying for inspiration. Safe Anchorage Farms had the best gift shop in at least fifty miles. She could head over there, get a new batch of starter, pick presents for both Derek and Kitty, and find some stationary for herself too.
It beat pushing a shopping cart around a crowded supermarket.
As soon as she finished her salad, she braced for the cold and headed back toward the car, trying to remember the quickest way from here to Baxter Loop.
Maybe Derek really had known what he was doing with this surprise night off.
Maybe it would be a good evening after all.
CHAPTER 44
August 3
I don’t even know what to say. I feel like after all your encouragement last night and the way you prayed for me and the love of Christ you showed me, I should have something really significant or profound to tell you, but I don’t.
Mom is gone. I still can’t get that into my head. I’m never going to hear her playing the piano again, leading our family in hymns. Never going to wake up to the smell of her bread rising.
I shouldn’t feel so numb. I should be sobbing my heart out, but I haven’t even cried since last night when you prayed for me.
Mom was my rock. Maybe that sounds blasphemous to say since we’re supposed to find our grounding in Christ, but now that she’s gone I realize it was her.
Kitty’s in bed. She’s supposed to be up for her lunch by now, but I don’t have the energy. She knows something’s wrong. I’ve tried to tell her, but she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. She’ll go on expecting Mom to come home every single day. I can’t stand the thought of her suffering like that.
Can’t stand the thought of life without Mom.
She’s the one who prayed with me every morning and every night about my relationship with you, asking God to close doors and open doors and guide us in his will. Who will be praying for us now?
I’m sorry this is such a downer. I’m trying so hard to stay positive for Kitty, and I guess I just needed someone to vent to. Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on (metaphorically at least). I want to be with you. Just thought I’d write and let you know that.
Love,
Susannah
CHAPTER 45
It was a few minutes after seven as Susannah pulled up the long driveway of Saf
e Anchorage Farms. Hopefully the gift shop was still open.
She parked the car and hopped out, grateful to see the lights of the store still on. Bells jingled their welcome as she entered. A dozen scents, each one a slight variation of the next, wafted toward her. She ran her eyes over the labels of the soaps and candles made from Safe Anchorage goat milk. If Kitty didn’t have such sensitive skin, she’d buy her one of the perfumed lotions. Maybe a nice candle instead. Susannah picked up the cinnamon and then the lilac, trying to decide which Kitty would prefer.
Connie, Grandma Lucy’s niece who ran the shop, bustled out of a back room, wiping her hands on her apron. Her face lit up in a smile as her eyes landed on Susannah.
“Well, look who it is. Doing a little last-minute Christmas shopping?”
Susannah nodded.
“You see those journals in the back? Joy brought some new designs in last week.”
“Oh, thanks. I just finished my old one.”
Connie smiled. “Girl like you, it doesn’t surprise me.”
Susannah made a mental note to check them out before she left.
“Take your time looking around. Grandma Lucy stopped by for a visit, and we’re going to be drinking tea here in the back, so just let me know when you’re ready to check out. Better yet, if you’re not in a rush, come and join us for a spell. It’s nice to see you out and about. Who’s watching your sister tonight?”
Susannah wondered what it might be like to live in a big city where the people she encountered had no idea about her past or her family situation. It couldn’t feel lonelier than Orchard Grove, could it?
Susannah shivered from the cold. “A cup of tea sounds nice if you’re sure I’m not intruding.”
Connie shook her head. “You know Grandma Lucy. Nothing she loves more than a good visit.”
Susannah followed her into the back room, where Grandma Lucy sat in a rocker that nearly swallowed her small frame. She reached out her warm hands to grasp Susannah’s. “You’re so cold. You aren’t coming down with a virus, are you?”
Susannah shook her head. With as scared as her mom had been about Kitty catching a cold or flu, Susannah had been schooled from the earliest age in every single home remedy, herbal concoction, and over-the-counter homeopathic even suspected to boost immunity. It had been three or four years since her last sore throat.
“You just sit down here and visit,” Connie said. “I just remembered I have bread rising I’ve got to check on. I’ll only be a few minutes.”
The mention of bread reminded Susannah why she’d stopped here in the first place. “Oh, do you have any friendship starter?”
“Sure do.” Connie draped her knitted sweater over her apron and fastened the oversized buttons. “I’ll bring you back some from the house. In the meantime, help yourself to some tea. We’ve got plenty.”
It wasn’t until Connie left that Susannah realized how intensely Grandma Lucy was staring at her. Trying not to show her unease, Susannah reached out for the teapot. Her hands shook when she poured her drink “I was really encouraged by your prayer on Sunday,” she offered weakly.
Grandma Lucy smiled. “Tell me how God spoke to you.”
Susannah warmed her hands on the teacup. “Well, I guess the part that stood out to me the most was about how God finishes the work he starts in us. You quoted that verse in Isaiah about how he doesn’t bring to the point of birth and then fail to carry out the delivery. I’ve been thinking about my own life, how it all fits together in his plans.” Susannah was rambling. Her cheeks heated up.
“You’re talking about the mission field?”
Susannah tried to hide the way her teacup trembled in her hand. “Yeah. Did my mom tell you about that or something?”
Grandma Lucy smiled. “No, dear. But you have missionary written all over your face. When you get to be my age, you’ll see those things.”
Susannah doubted that but didn’t waste time arguing.
“So God has called you to the mission field.” There wasn’t a hint of a question in Grandma Lucy’s statement.
“Well, I thought he had. But then there was the car accident, and now Kitty ...” Susannah stopped short. When had she lost the basic mechanics of expressing herself? Had it really been that long since she sat down and visited with someone?
“You think God’s forgotten you. You think he called you to the mission field and then changed his mind and abandoned you.”
Susannah had never expressed her feelings in those terms before, but she realized Grandma Lucy was right. “Yeah. It seems like it. I mean, I know ...”
Grandma Lucy held up her hand for silence. Susannah waited patiently for an uncomfortable minute before Grandma Lucy spoke again, except this time she wasn’t addressing Susannah.
“Lord, you know this young woman’s dilemma. You know how earnestly her heart has longed for the mission field, but for this season you’ve called her to bloom where she’s planted, and that makes her feel like you’ve deserted her entirely.”
Susannah blushed to hear such a candid assessment of her spiritual state.
“Lord, we know that you are not a God of chaos. This confusion does not come from you, and so we rebuke it in the name of Jesus, and we ask that in its place you bring deep clarity. Show your child the secret of being content in any and every situation. Reaffirm your love for her. She spends many weary days filling others up and tending to their needs, and now we’re asking you to do the same for her. Meet her where she is. Give her joy where she is. You’re using this time to prepare her, sharpen her.”
Something in Grandma Lucy’s tone had changed. Even though she was still praying to God, Susannah got the distinct impression that she was speaking to her. Preaching to her. Pouring encouragement into her battle-weary soul.
“Show her that not a day of her calling will be lost. You still have plans for her that extend beyond Orchard Grove, beyond Washington State, to the very ends of the earth. You will go with her, guiding her each step through fire and rain and storm, and in each chapter of her life you will be there, leading and protecting her. You are her good shepherd. You have laid down your life for her, just as she wants to lay down her life for you. You’ve seen the sacrifices she’s made, and in your good plans you will restore all that was once lost.”
Restore. There was that word again. Susannah didn’t want to believe. Didn’t want to set herself up for even more disappointment, but hope was calling to her. Beckoning to her. She couldn’t resist.
Yes, Lord. I will hope in you, and I will find the courage to trust you to restore everything I gave up. Just give me the patience to wait until that day.
Grandma Lucy was silent, and Susannah looked up. Grandma Lucy was staring at her with a look that was so frank, so candid Susannah was certain the old woman had opened up her rib cage and was staring into her very soul.
The thought hit her like a burst of heat from the wood stove in the back of the room. She knows about Scott.
It was ridiculous. Her mom recognized how gossip could spread in a community like Orchard Grove. Neither she nor Susannah had mentioned Scott to anyone but Derek, and he wasn’t the type to go blabbing that sort of news around town.
Nobody had told Grandma Lucy about Scott, but she knew. Susannah was sure of it.
Grandma Lucy’s eyes twinkled. There was a playfulness there, like when Susannah and Derek joked with Kitty about her Prince Charming.
Maybe I should ask her.
The thought was as fleeting as it was absurd. What was she supposed to say? Oh, by the way, Grandma Lucy, there’s this guy I fell in love with almost a year ago. I’ve never met him, but there were times I was convinced we were going to get married. Except all that fell apart, so I’m wondering if you can tell me what plans God has for the two of us since you’re so much better at hearing from him than I am.
It was ridiculous. She shouldn’t.
Couldn’t.
Susannah opened her mouth.
“Here I am.” The store
bells jingled. “You’re one lucky girl. This is our last batch of starter until next week, and it’s all yours.” Connie bustled back into the room, shattering the spiritual intensity that hung heavy in the room after Grandma Lucy’s prayer.
Connie sat down with a loud sigh. “I remember your mom making that friendship bread for Sunday school. She was such a good baker.”
Susannah glanced at Grandma Lucy, who looked so serene. Like a sage.
I could still ask her, Susannah thought to herself. Grandma Lucy knows something about my future.
It was a silly assumption. If God wanted to tell Susannah about Scott, he could speak to her himself. There was no need to ask this old woman in her rocking chair. Besides, what gave Susannah the impression that Grandma Lucy could hear from God better than she could? Didn’t all believers have access to the same Holy Spirit?
“It was a nice sermon Sunday, wasn’t it?” Connie prattled.
Susannah made the appropriate replies to keep the conversation going, but she stole glances every now and then at Grandma Lucy, who appeared to be dozing off in her rocker.
Or maybe she was praying.
Praying for Susannah?
Praying for Susannah and Scott?
Susannah sat in the back for a few more minutes, then did a little bit of shopping until she found presents for Kitty and Derek as well as some stationary and a new journal for herself.
An hour after she arrived, she headed back into the dark night, started up the car, and began the winding drive home.
CHAPTER 46
August 12
Dear Scott,
I know you’ve been waiting for my response, and I’m sorry it’s taken me these few days to get back to you. Please believe me when I tell you that they have been days full of prayers and tears, not just for my mom but also for what I’m about to tell you.