The V Girl: A coming of age story
Page 25
Aleksey is going to be extremely difficult to avoid. I barely managed yesterday morning. There’s only one place where I can spend the night without the risk of being found.
* * *
I wake up curled against Poncho in a dark attic. Broken-beyond-repair artifacts, black armor suits, and dusty cardboard surround me. A story below me, the Accord cops end whatever business it is that keeps them busy in the evenings before they head for bed. The sound of conversations in foreign languages filters through the loose floorboards.
The Accord headquarters are in an old three-story house. Soldiers won’t come here, as they consider this building to be UNNO territory. And the lion never hunts in a lion’s den, much less its own. Aleksey won’t search for me here.
The murmurs fade, and the night watch starts; I hear steps going back and forth in the dark. I hope that the watchman’s rounds don’t include the attic.
I spend most of the night dozing. I have no way to determine the hour, and I have to leave before the cops wake for their 0600 drills.
Just when I thought I could relax, Poncho snaps up his giant head. Someone is climbing the attic stairs. We hide behind some huge cardboard cartons, perfectly still.
To no avail.
The dim beam of a flashlight points directly at us. A confident, heavy stride approaches.
“Lila Velez,” says a beautiful, accented voice.
41
Last chance
Poncho wags his tail and walks enthusiastically toward the new arrival, leaving me alone in our hiding place.
The accented voice sounds closer. “I saw your dog’s silhouette when I pointed the light. The cardboard is translucent.”
I reluctantly step out of my hiding place and am momentarily blinded by the flashlight.
“It’ll be better if my comrades don’t find you here.” He grabs my arm. “Come on. Let’s go to my room.”
Tristan’s room is so small that the door collides with the nightstand. The wardrobe is almost as big as the room, and there’s barely any walking space next to the single bed. A candle provides faint light.
The lanky cop helps me take off my cloak, and I sit next to the bed’s headboard. “Have you been hiding here all this time, Miss Velez?”
“No. Please don’t tell Aleksey that I came here.”
Tristan sits on the bed next to me. “I can’t promise you that. He’s my general, and I’m supposed to inform him of everything. Besides, we’re very close, and it breaks my heart to see him so afflicted.” He looks at me, relief and his trademark friendliness dancing in his eyes. “I’ve been worried, too.”
I shiver. “I’ve been … so terrified. It’s only eight days until recruitment.”
He smiles reassuringly and hugs me, but I’m still trembling. I can’t rely on Rey or Aleksey for emergency deflowering. I’m alone with a young man who seems to like me and who is neither a priest nor a sexually dangerous man. What if …?
A strange impulse overcomes me. Blushing furiously, I lean in.
“Tristan, let’s … have s—sex. I … don’t want the troops … to recruit me,” I say.
He looks surprised, but doesn’t pull away.
“Miss Velez,” says Tristan timidly.
Slowly, our lips get closer, but I fear the contact. Why am I hesitating? Why do I miss Aleksey’s lips now?
He puts his hands on my shoulders and softly pulls away. “Miss Velez. I can’t make love to you.”
Not that again! I look at the floor, defeated. I’ve heard that before, and I know it’s not in my power to convince him. Why are my options so limited? I keep finding rapists or guys with medieval moral reservations. This was my last chance before recruitment, and I don’t know what I’m going to do now.
“You fear recruitment, too. Let’s have willing, consensual sex while we can.”
He shakes his head. “I wouldn’t make love to the woman Prince Aleksey loves.”
I stare at him, incredulously. Aleksey’s words come to my mind. I’m so averse to love that I won’t even pretend I’m not.
Tristan swallows before continuing. “But more importantly, I don’t want you. Not the slightest bit.”
My face reddens in humiliation. I lean against the wall. It’s not like Tristan to be rude in this way.
He looks at me apologetically. “I didn’t explain myself well.”
Avoiding his gaze, I reach for my cloak. “Don’t. You don’t have to say anything.”
“I don’t want you at all because I don’t want any woman.”
Any woman? As if …?
I fight the impulse to gasp. “You … prefer men?”
“Shh!”
Wide-eyed, I nod. It makes sense. Homosexuality is forbidden in the Patriot military, and it’s punished with recruitment. No wonder Tristan fears for his integrity. As long as they’re in Patriot territory, the cops submit to the same laws.
“Don’t tell Aleksey that I tried to …”
He rubs his earring absentmindedly. “I’m sorry, Miss Velez, but I can’t promise you that. I told you; I’m obliged to tell him everything because we’re family.”
“But—”
“Literally. We are first cousins.”
My jaw drops, and I cover my mouth with both hands. Why didn’t Aleksey tell me? Oh, right! Because he always hides the important details about his life.
My first impulse is to ask Tristan about Aleksey’s family. Perhaps it would explain why he’s into C.N. But something tells me that Tristan’s unbreakable loyalty to his cousin will keep his mouth shut.
Tristan sighs. “Miss Velez, I don’t know what happened between you two, but please don’t judge Prince Aleksey so harshly. You haven’t seen him in the past two days. Your absence is hell for him. Even other cops have noticed that he’s in a bad place. He misses you terribly and is worried about you. Go back to him, please.”
“Tristan, I can’t. Because of my mom, because of Duque. Aleksey represents everything I fear and hate.”
Tristan looks horrified. “Miss Velez, never say that again! If you tell him that you hate him, you’ll destroy him. You hear me? Completely, irrevocably ruin him.”
My eyes shoot upward in disbelief. “You’re exaggerating. I’m a temporary thing. He said so himself.”
“He’s a good man, and life hasn’t been kind to him. He deserves to find his happiness, and he’ll never come out of his shell if the only girl he’s ever loved—”
“Love?” I shake my head. “Since when does obsessive lust mean love?” Tristan tries to argue, but I ignore him. “He’s full of dark secrets, and he never—”
“He shared one of them with you, and you left him.” Tristan’s velvet voice is unusually recriminating. “I never thought he’d open up to anyone. It must have been difficult for him to be honest, and he did it for you.”
Tristan’s right, but … why? Why does Aleksey prefer a violent form of sex? I would have understood if it were something else. Anything goes as long as we’re talking about consenting adults. I’m a kinky girl myself. But forcing himself on a woman who has to struggle with him? Isn’t there enough violence around us?
It doesn’t matter if it’s not me. It doesn’t matter if it’s role-play. A kink like that makes us incompatible. The worst thing is that I can’t explain this to Tristan. Aleksey has kept the secret of my voyeurism. I won’t expose his kink.
My voice comes unsteady. “I can’t … rescue him from … whatever it is that makes him close his doors to the world. We won’t see each other after recruitment. I can’t stand rapists and—”
Tristan winces. “Whatever he is, he isn’t a rapist, and it angers me that you say so.”
I purse my lips thoughtfully. What if I’m taking Aleksey’s kink the wrong way? Perhaps Tristan knows information that can help me understand Aleksey. “Did he tell you … er … about … C.N.?”
He looks confused. “C—what? What are you talking about?”
I sink to the floor, grabbing my head. Tristan
clearly doesn’t know Aleksey’s secret, and I can’t bring myself to expose it further. Damn! I was really hoping to hear that C.N. isn’t as bad as I fear it is.
“Miss Velez, I’m sorry, but I can’t let you go yet. Aleksey is on his way.”
I spring to my feet. “On his way? How—?”
“I called him. My earring is a j-device.”
I hurry to the exit, but he blocks the door.
“Tristan!” I squeal.
Tristan shushes me. “I beg you to listen to him. You have to talk out your differences.”
“No! You don’t understand—”
“You think all he feels is lust, but you’re wrong. Prince Aleksey can deal with lust. You won’t find a man more skilled in giving women pleasure. But he’s not used to dealing with … other emotions. It doesn’t help that you’re being too hard on him,” he says in a calm tone. “At least listen to him.”
“Not yet! I promise I’ll talk to him one day, but the last thing I need so close to recruitment is—” He doesn’t budge. “Tristan! If you force me to stay and talk, I’ll hate him. I swear I will.”
Tristan looks crestfallen when he finally lets me pass. Poncho and I run down the corridor to get to the attic. I knock over some of the garbage and old armor, but I don’t have time to worry about the noise.
The wind is howling furiously when we climb out of a window and onto the butterfly-style roof. We jump to the adjoining building.
That’s when a colossal form hurls itself against me and pins me to the ground.
42
The sweetest word
If General Aleksey Fürst has been impatiently looking forward to our reunion, his tone of voice doesn’t show it. The stormy, furious quality of it could break stone.
“If after listening to me you still want me to leave you alone, I will. I’ll leave Starville tonight if you want me to.”
I struggle helplessly under him, but he’s solid rock.
He whispers in my ear, his breath making me shiver. “And I’ll give you the chance to get your revenge on what the soldiers did to hurt you. I won’t lift a finger to defend myself.”
Poncho jumps anxiously around us, whimpering. He’s not sure if he’s supposed to defend me or welcome the cop. The General whispers something in German, and my dog sits placidly. Some guard dog he is. But if Poncho’s instincts say there’s no present danger, I should placate the fear Aleksey’s toughness stirs in me.
“Okay. Let’s get this over with,” I say, although I keep struggling.
He looks at me with narrowed eyes as the howling wind plays with his blond hair. “I’m not a rapist, Lila. It infuriates me that you think of me as one. I told you once: I can’t stand rapists. I wouldn’t ever do what someone did to my mother.”
The surprise paralyzes me, overcoming my desperation to escape. His mother? My curiosity is piqued, but I say nothing. I wait for him to elaborate, but instead he attacks the problem that worries me the most.
“C.N. Consensual non-consent isn’t rape. It’s an activity between consenting adults. It’s just role-play. The women I’ve possessed in that way enjoyed it and always came back for more.”
I frown at the mention of other women. “Have you ever hurt them?”
He shakes his head. “There’s always a pre-established sign if I become too intense. My previous partners rarely used it, but when they did, I stopped.”
“How do you know they weren’t too intimidated to tell you to stop?”
“I did this only with women who were into C.N. Middle-aged women who knew what C.N. was and asked me for it. They were the ones who initiated these encounters because I didn’t even have time for it.”
“But … C.N. means rape role-play. Doesn’t it?”
His face is grimmer than usual. “I would never put the words ‘rape’ and ‘playʼ in the same sentence. If there’s rape, there’s no play.”
I think about this for a moment and nod. I’ve witnessed recruitment, and there is nothing playful about it. As much as I hate to think about it, his explanations have begun untangling the strands of a disgusting crime and a consensual activity between willing adults.
“C.N. works only when you trust your partner and have experienced at least the basics. Evidently, that doesn’t apply to you,” he says.
I’m no longer struggling, so he eases the pressure from my body. “And Iʼve told you several times that I won’t try C.N. on you, but you still treat me like I’m a criminal.”
His enjoyment of this kind of role-play scares me, but I have to admit that I’ve never been particularly nice to this man. He’s never done anything to harm me. When it comes to Aleksey, I’ve taken my usual paranoia around military people to unfair extremes.
“I’m not your toy, little Kämpferin. I thought you were a woman, not a little girl who is so flattered that someone has finally paid attention to her that she plays cat and mouse.”
Scowling, I turn my face away. His words sting because he’s partially right. I adore the attention he gives me, and I don’t manage that feeling well. Still, it’s maddening to have him call me out on that. I didn’t escape on a whim. I have every right to fear military people. And C.N.
“Did I ask you to chase me? No! If you’re the adult here, you should know when an immature brat like me needs space. Otherwise, you’re the one playing games.”
Aleksey looks cool and possessed, though his voice reveals his anger. “Or perhaps it’s me, the adult, who doesn’t want to find your corpse in a Shiloh dumpster,” he says, his scowl deepening, his body tensing, “showing signs of a gang attack. You could have stayed in the safety of the clinic, and I would have given you space.”
“News flash! There’s no place in this country where I’m not in danger of a gang attack. I wasn’t in more danger than usual! I’d never put myself at risk just to avoid you.”
We stare at each other in silence. I’m trying to control my emotions, but it’s difficult when he’s looking at me so furiously. He’s unnerving.
He finally breaks the silence, his voice full of controlled rage. “You risk your safety, and then you jump into Tristan’s bed.” Aleksey’s body is trembling. He can’t be jealous of his homosexual cousin, can he? “I understand why a distrustful girl like you would prefer someone she has known for years over someone like me. Even if you don’t love him. That Diaz guy doesn’t even have to try, does he? He only has to be there, and you’d prefer him.” He looks away and shakes his head. “Because he will always have the advantage of being the one who was there for you during your darkest moments. But Tristan Froh?”
I’m not flattered by his possessiveness. Instead, I find it irritating. We’re not a couple, and I agreed to our exclusivity deal only because I didn’t know about C.N. “I don’t have to explain anything to you.”
He releases my arms and leans on his elbows, easing the pressure off my body. “Yes, you do. You’re not a spoiled little girl. You’re a woman who fights for what she wants and talks about her needs. You want something that I can give you and—”
“Not the way I need it.” I remember his words. I prefer positions that are too deep, painful, and unromantic for an inexperienced maid.
“Then tell me what your way is,” he says, glaring at me. “I thought we had agreed on that. I told you that I can make adjustments. You want me. What’s stopping you?”
My long silence irritates him further.
His face contorts in frustration. “I’m new to this. I’m going out of my comfort zone for you, and you don’t seem to care either way.” He looks down at me again, piercing my eyes with his stare. “You have to get your hands dirty, too! Take risks! But you say nothing. You run away from me. You keep me hanging.” His fist slams into the concrete roof. “Damn it, Lila! Give me something to work with.”
My reluctance to talk to him turns into a longing to make him understand the feelings that constrict my heart. I want to tell him that he’s being unfair. That a kink like his would scare not only seconda
ry rape survivors like me, but also regular women. How do I tell him that I wish I could feel safe enough to trust him and that, despite everything, I care for him more than I should? I can’t find the right words.
He runs a hand through his hair. “At least say something! Anything would be better than your silence.”
My body squirms underneath him. His sincere, passionate speech has moved me. “I’m not toying with you. I can’t be with you if I feel threatened … and you’re a threat … for reasons that aren’t … easy to put into words.”
“Try,” he commands.
“You—” He waits patiently for me to continue, but I can’t say anything that he can’t figure out himself. He’s aware that his touch triggers painful flashbacks. He knows that I don’t trust him, and that being together means risking our lives. Not to mention that after his C.N. confession, I fear he’ll take me like he took me in my dream. That’s enough for me to feel the need to stay away from him. But there’s something more that I haven’t admitted to myself until now. “You’ll leave. I’d prefer to lose my innocence to someone who will stay.”
He shoots me an incredulous look. “And Tristan? You don’t have reservations about him. He’ll go away, too.”
I take a deep breath and avoid his piercing stare. “If it were Tristan … it wouldn’t hurt.”
Aleksey understands that I don’t mean physically. The coldness in his eyes melts into an ocean of the warmest blue. For a long moment, he says nothing. His arms pull me to his chest as we roll so that I’m on top. I can hear his heart beat beneath my cheek, a soothing rhythm for my nerves.
He lifts my chin with his thumb, forcing me to look at him. His deep, low voice sounds serene. “It would hurt you more to say goodbye to me than to him?”
Yes, I’d miss you. “Let’s say that when the Accord Unit’s time in Starville is over, I’ll happily say goodbye to Tristan … but saying goodbye to you will be ….” Torture. Even thinking about it makes me cringe because my heart feels as though somebody is squeezing it forcefully. And now he knows it. Aleksey has heard my unspoken words. I blush, knowing that I just declared my feelings for him. They might not account for much because we will soon be separated, but now he can be sure that I’m not indifferent. And so can I.