by Lara Swann
“Nothing?” She repeats, frowning, and I realize my half-answers are only going to confuse her anyway.
“Okay, well, I had an argument with Kelsey.” I finally admit. “That didn’t go right.”
It might not be at all sensible to try to talk to an eight-year-old about your relationship problems - because, let’s be honest, that’s what they are - but I don’t exactly have anyone else to talk to about it. The only other person I might talk to is Mark, but since he’s Kelsey’s brother, that’s just asking for trouble. Not to mention, I’m sure he has no clue what she’s doing - and as much as I disagree with it, I can’t reveal what she told me in confidence.
Besides, I have been grumpy as hell recently. Maya deserves some kind of explanation. Even if it could all go horribly wrong if she decides to try to do something about it herself.
Or maybe that’s what you’re hoping for? That she’ll run around to Kelsey and tell her how miserable you are and ask, in her innocent way, for Kelsey to fix it? Yeah, if that’s what you want, then you really are a coward.
“Oh.” She says, sounding sad for a moment. “Weeelll, why don’t you say you’re sorry and make up?”
She repeats the same thing I’ve told her dozens of times and the irony of it - and my response - isn’t lost on me.
“I wish I could, sweetie, but I’m not sure it’s that simple.”
“Why not?” She asks the expected question.
“It’s just…it’s complicated.” I say, even though that’s just another way of saying ‘not simple’.
She frowns at me.
“Grown-ups are often complicated, huh?” I offer, even though it’s another non-answer.
They’re both totally rubbish responses, but there’s no way to explain to her what the actual problem is in any detail, so instead I just wrap my arms around her and cuddle her closer to me. I wouldn’t blame her if she refused to accept any of that, but she surprises me by just cuddling me back. It makes my heart thump harder in my chest, aching with the love I feel for her. My precious little girl. Somehow, she always knows just what I need.
At least I have her. I’ll always have her.
I just have to accept what happened with Kelsey - and I’ll get over it. Eventually.
She knew how I felt, and she made her choice. That’s her right - even if it sucks - and I just have to accept it.
Damn it, I can even respect her for it. It’s not like what she wants to do isn’t worthwhile, it’s just…not something I can stomach. Not anymore. In another life, before Maya, then…maybe…but that’s gone now. I don’t want to invite any more pain into our lives.
Did she know how you felt, though? About her?
The thought flickers through my mind as I replay that conversation yet again.
Did I actually ever tell her? I’m not sure I did. I knew I felt it - I knew we both did, the way we were looking at each other, but…did I say it? Not in so many words…
Hell, did I even know how I felt - how I really felt - before being knocked sideways these last few days? I could never have guessed this would be so hard. I thought what we were doing was just a bit of fun. Everything went from simple and easy to totally intense between us, so quickly, and I never even saw it coming. I didn’t have time to catch my breath or really think about it - let alone tell her.
If you tell her…really tell her…then maybe…
But she won’t abandon this. I know that. I saw the look in her eyes, the determination there that I admire so much, even as I wish it was different. She made it clear - she didn’t want to be put in a position where she had to give that up - regardless of how we felt about each other. She didn’t want any part of that side of relationships, where you have to compromise on your own ambitions and goals for the other person.
But does it really have to be like that?
I’ll be honest, I don’t know shit about relationships. My parents were no example, the stupid flings I had in between deployment never meant anything, and then I spent years living with someone, pretending like we were maybe a couple but without any real interest in intimacy whatsoever. So, yeah, I don’t know what I’m talking about. But I’ve never seen relationships as giving something up - it’s all about what you gain, what you can do together, the way you might evolve together.
We never even talked about it.
She couldn’t bring herself to ignore what she’d uncovered, and I couldn’t deal with seeing her chasing after danger…but why do those have to be the only two options?
We didn’t try to work it out. Everything got so intense, so quickly, seeing her house like that and imagining what would have happened if she’d been home…I couldn’t deal with it. It became a life-or-death, make-or-break moment in a heartbeat, and the tension there was too thick to actually think or talk about anything.
What if there’s a compromise? What if we talked about it together and found a way of pursuing it without endangering her further? Looked for other ways to get evidence? Maybe reach out to some professional investigative agency…
We didn’t talk about any of those things.
I take a deep breath, shifting as it suddenly occurs to me - and Maya looks up at me.
“Daddy?”
“I was just thinking…maybe I should try talking to Kelsey, after all.” I say slowly, out loud, as the thoughts form. I glance down at her, stroking her hair back from her face. “Maybe you were right, sweetie.”
“Yeah?” Her face lights up with it and I have to chuckle, though it comes out weary.
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Yes!” She grins at me, sitting up and pushing. “Go on, Daddy. Go talk to her!”
“What, now?” I glance out at the darkening sky. “It’s getting late…”
“Now!” Maya pushes me again. “Go on, Daddy.”
I eye her for a moment, but I’m too tired to read anything into her enthusiasm, or to argue - and I’m not sure I even want to. I know she likes Kelsey. I don’t want to think about much more than that - I’m still too aware that this might not work out.
“Okay, okay. I’ll go now.”
Maybe nothing will come of it, but at least this way I’ll know I’ve tried.
I’ll know I’ve told her exactly how I feel. That I want to see if we can find a way to make this work, somehow.
Then maybe, either way, I’ll stop thinking about it so damn much at least.
I leave Maya on the couch playing with the television remote, seeming much more content than only a few minutes ago, and make my way over to Kelsey’s house.
I’m already knocking on the door before it occurs to me that there are no lights on inside - and when I look around, her car is gone too. Unease spreads through me, but I try to ignore it. That’s just because of everything that’s been going on.
I knock again and wait some more, even though I’m definitely getting the impression that she isn’t in. When nothing happens, I find myself walking around the house, letting myself into the back yard and going around there as well.
I’ve deliberately avoided looking over here too much - even though she’s right next door- and haven’t been round since our last conversation, but I can see that the broken window on the back door has been covered up with protective wrapping, and I’d guess she’s in the process of getting it fixed.
I know I should just leave it and go back home, but now that I’m here I can’t stop thinking about where she might be and what could be going on. Probably nothing. She’s probably just having dinner with her family or something. But…
I can’t get the image of the way her house looked out of my mind.
The moment I saw it, all I could imagine was the same sight, but with her broken body on top of it all…
It’s a stupid image. She’s right - I doubt, if they were going to do something, they’d do it like that. But…
What if they came back?
“Damn it.” I curse under my breath, reluctantly taking out my spare key.
I ha
ve to check.
It occurs to me as I back around to the front door and unlock it to let myself in, that I should probably give it back at some point. Maybe. I mean, we are still neighbors. That’s why we exchanged keys in the first place.
When I enter and flick on the lights, I can see that a lot of the devastation has been cleared up - trash removed, furniture righted and the worst of it gone - but there’s still evidence here and there. I feel immediately uncomfortable, like I’m intruding somehow, and my chest tightens as I take a quick look around, calling out.
I don’t get a response and after a cursory look around - something in me aching at the memories of Kelsey, all the while my guilt piles up at just being here - I quickly retreat back out again and lock up. I take another look at her parking space, as if she might have suddenly appeared, but she hasn’t.
Running a hand through my hair, I go back to my own house and shake my head at the excited little girl who runs to ask me about it.
“Looks like Kelsey isn’t home. I’ll try again tomorrow.” I say, trying to keep some of the worry about of my voice. I’m just being stupid. I know that. “C’mon, princess, let’s get you up to bed.”
She moans a little about it but she doesn’t object too much and it’s remarkably easy to get her down for the night. I give her an extra tight hug before kissing her goodnight, and then make my way back downstairs.
The tightness in my gut hasn’t eased from the distraction - if anything, it’s gotten worse - and I can’t stop the thoughts that assail me.
Where is she? What’s she doing?
I pace up and down in the kitchen, growling under my breath.
I can’t help but remember what I said about the workmen. I was just thinking out loud at the time, but now I’m cursing myself for saying anything.
What if she’s gone after them?
“God damn it.”
I thought avoiding her - detaching and refusing to get involved - would stop me from getting hurt if something happened, but I have a bad feeling that I’m already in too deep.
If anything, I’m worrying more now that I don’t have a clue what she’s up to or what’s going on. I can’t shake the nagging feeling that I should be there, that I could be helping the way she asked me to. And if I was, maybe that would be enough to make the difference. I might be able to stop her from getting hurt, from putting herself in danger…but I’m not.
I question that decision for what feels like the thousandth time, second-guessing every conviction I have - but in the end, I have Maya to think about too, and that’s where it all falls down. I simply can’t take the kinds of risks that Kelsey can to investigate this. Not with my little girl needing me here, alive and well.
That doesn’t stop me from worrying, though. It doesn’t stop me from pacing up and down the kitchen, thinking about where Kelsey might be or what she might be doing. The trouble she could be in. Why she isn’t home.
“Fucking hell…” I mutter, finding myself glancing over to the refrigerator.
I stalk over to it, pulling it open and looking at the few bottles of beer I’ve got in there. I only ever keep a few in the house - and I don’t drink them without company - but right now…I can feel the temptation of it calling to me.
I grab one, then hesitate the moment it’s in my hand, setting it down on the table instead of opening it and pulling a chair up to sit and look at the damned thing.
No. You haven’t lost control since Maya arrived. You’ve stuck to your rules. Don’t fuck it up now.
I’ve made it through every stupid thing that reminds me of Brandon without opening a bottle, except on the one day I allow it. I dealt with disappointment after disappointment when Amanda relapsed without turning to it. I handled her fucking death without looking for a drop. If I can do all that, I’m not going to give it all up just because my supposedly-casual-lover rejected me and could be off looking for trouble right now.
I’m not.
The image of Kelsey chasing after the thugs that destroyed her house flashes through my mind again.
“Ah, fuck it.” I mutter, reaching for the bottle.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Kelsey
I follow carefully behind the Drainage Solutions Ltd van, staying a few cars back and trying to be subtle about it.
That’s what you’re meant to do, right? Stay a few cars back?
I try to remember what Liam did when he was driving behind the Mayor, but I’m not sure I can do any of that here. This street doesn’t have just one exit, very soon I’m not going to know the area at all and…well, I might have been paying attention to slightly different things than his driving.
About the only tip I really remember from that night is ‘bring snacks’. I’ve done that, too, but I don’t think that’s going to help me with following these guys. I’ve got the same tense-but-excited knot in my chest as I did back then, and every time they make a turn a burst of anxious anticipation shoots through me.
None of that makes me feel any better about my competence for this task - I’m pretty sure if Liam were here, he’d be cool as a cucumber - but I’m trying to ignore that.
I’ve been thinking about this since Liam mentioned it that night - even though I’d promised myself I was going to give this whole thing up - and I’m sure he’s right. If there’s something to find, these guys are the best lead.
So once the break-in convinced me there was something worth pursuing, this is what I came back to. I’ve been thinking about it and making plans ever since I made that decision. After that fraught conversation with Liam and the painful end to whatever was going on between us, I haven’t been able to do anything else. Partly because I’ve needed something to throw myself into - and partly because if choosing has meant I’ve lost Liam, I’m at least going to make it worth it. I’m going to get something out of it.
It’s taken me a few days to work up the courage to actually do it, but as it turns out, this is the best night for it anyway. The sewage work - whatever that actually was - is done. Tonight, these guys are leaving town for good, and I want to see where they go.
I feel awkward once we leave town and there are just empty roads for a while, paranoid that they might have seen me. They could realize I’m from town and might notice me all the way to wherever they’re going, getting more and more suspicious, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it.
When they turn south onto Highway 97, there are at least far more cars around that I can try to blend into - and the direction itself is enough to distract me.
I thought they were based in Bend? Why are we going south?
Excitement flashes through me as I try to consider all the different possibilities - but I can’t shake the feeling that this is it. I’m finally going to find something out.
Some evidence.
I concentrate on staying far enough behind that they hopefully, probably don’t notice me. I keep a few cars between us, letting myself lose sight of them every now and then, and changing position often. And I eat snacks. That’s obviously an important part of this too. I’m lucky that they’re going at a fairly standard pace - if they were speeding crazily or going slow, it would be hard for me to follow without also drawing attention to myself - but I guess that makes sense. They probably don’t want to draw attention to themselves either.
The time drags on - an hour ticking past - then two - and as we get further away from Ashton, I start feeling more nervous. I’m sure this will lead to something, but I’m getting less certain about my ability to handle it. Liam’s comment that I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m in over my head keeps repeating in my mind. I’m trying not to think about him too much - it’s too easy to wish he was here with me - but his voice keeps popping into my head like that. What he said felt harsh at the time, but I never denied he had a point. This isn’t the same as following the Mayor. Not at all.
I’m glad I took his advice about the snacks, at least. It’s definitely getting towards dinner time.
As we continue, a sign flashes past, signaling the approach to Klamath Falls - and the name sticks out in my mind for some reason.
Where have I heard that before? What was it about that…
It’s definitely not where Drainage Solutions Limited are supposed to be based, I know that much. I doubt we would have picked an out of the way company like that - and I could have sworn they were from Bend. I wish once again I still had all my notes and documents to check, but most of that was taken.
I drum my fingers on the steering wheel as the area around starts getting more built up, my mind chewing on it - until my eyes widen.
Klamath Falls.
Isn’t that where the Mayor came from?
It was only when I was researching that I realized how little I actually know about who he is and where he came from. Sure, he’s been in Ashton for a long time now and most everything about his life is here - but I still would have thought we’d know a little more about his background.
All I really knew was that he wasn’t born in Ashton. It was actually one of the reasons his election to the post was so celebrated. It was probably the first time Ashton had voted for someone ‘not from the town’ - even though at that point he’d been there for years - and he went on to do a great job and prove everyone right. At least, that’s how it seemed, anyway.
I didn’t even know he had an Uncle with a farm until he explained about Margaret’s accident - which I checked out and confirmed afterward too, even though it felt cold and a little bit wrong to do so. I realized, though, that I know basically nothing about his family. He met and married Margaret in Ashton, but anyone else…I’m not sure I can remember anyone ever visiting.
Except I think he came from Klamath Falls.
I have no idea whether there’s anything behind that connection, but I find myself getting more excited - my attention sharpening as we enter the outskirts of the town.
It can’t be a coincidence. Can it?
We start driving through a maze-like industrial estate and I curse myself as I have to follow a little more closely than I’d like, in order not to lose them at all. Eventually, though, they turn into what looks like a large, industrial type garage and I use Liam’s trick of driving straight past and acting like I’m heading somewhere else. Still, I’m on the edge of my seat as I circle back around to find somewhere I can pull up without them noticing me.