by Angela Mack
Georgie was straddling Josh's lap, his arms and legs wrapped around him, his head pushed into Josh’s shoulder. Josh was sitting up, his arms locked tight around Georgie. He opened his eyes, looking straight at me. My heart stopped.
“Josh!” I shouted, launching myself at him. I flung my arms around him and Georgie.
“You’re awake,” I sobbed into his other shoulder. I felt his hand grab the back of my head and he kissed the top of my hair. He squeezed both Georgie and I, and I gazed up at him. His eyes searched mine as I rested my forehead against his, our tears merging as they fell down our faces.
A piercing, shrill alarm made me pull back. I examined Josh all over, confused. I glanced at his heart rate monitor, but it was still beeping rhythmically.
“Ryan!” Dad pushed his way over to Ryan, throwing the curtain back. Deborah hurried out of the room as doctors and nurses streamed in.
“I need a resuscitation kit in here, immediately!” A doctor shouted. Now it was Josh’s turn to bury his head into the crook of my neck. He held Georgie tight to him, not letting him look up. I clung to Josh, watching as the doctor grabbed a defibrillator, fitting two pads to Ryan’s chest. Ryan’s chest bucked as he was hit with a current of electricity. I started to tremble but then realised it wasn't me causing it; it was Josh that was shaking. I rested my cheek on the top of his head, angled so I could still see what was happening to Ryan. Come on, Ryan. Don’t give up. Not now.
The alarm was still shrieking. The doctor shocked Ryan two more times. No change.
“Come on, lad,” the doctor growled before shocking him for a fourth time. Ryan remained unmoving. The doctor looked over at Dad, regret in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, sir. He’s gone.” Josh cried out and I held him so hard that I was afraid I might suffocate him. Georgie was weeping. He hadn't moved from Josh's arms.
“Time of death: 6.22 a.m.” I closed my eyes, trying to erase the image of Ryan’s still body from my mind. Josh’s cries were louder, and he gripped my t-shirt in his fist, twisting the material.
“I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” I whispered into his hair. I didn’t know how long the three of us sat like that for, locked in our embrace. People were moving and talking all around us, but I tuned them out. Was it possible to feel unimaginably happy but broken at the same time? Josh had come back to me, but Ryan...Ryan was dead.
I pulled away from Josh and leaned over the side of his bed. I threw up all over the floor.
Chapter 18
Joshua
I hadn’t spoken a word since I opened my eyes. Izzy and Georgie hadn’t left my side either. I looked down at them both; Izzy lying to my right, Georgie to my left. I stroked Izzy’s hair. I pulled Georgie in close. They were both holding each other’s hands across my stomach.
I thought back to the moment I woke up and saw Deborah trying to pull Georgie away from me. It was really happening. My brain hadn’t made that up. Everything that me and Ryan had done ran through my head. I recalled every moment we had shared together. Every word we had said. Had it all been real? Had it all actually happened?
My eyes scanned the room. Ryan’s side was empty. No bed. No Ryan. Just a shiny, white floor. Charlie was sitting on the floor, his back to the wall opposite where Ryan’s bed would have been if he were still―
I looked away, seeing Ollie sitting next to me. He sensed me staring and looked up. A hesitant smile split his face, but I scowled at him. His face fell, dropping his chin to his chest. I gazed at Georgie’s drawings pinned all over the walls. They looked so much brighter compared to when I'd been in the In Between. And I had been there. Hadn't I?
Sammy was sitting next to Ollie, her eyes vacant as she stared out the window by Ryan’s bed. I wondered if she was thinking about her sister.
I tried to call to Sammy, but I felt like I’d eaten a hundred dust bunnies. I ended up making a strange, garbled noise, but it caught Sammy’s attention all the same. She sprung up out of her chair, passing me a glass of water. Izzy sat up and turned to look at me. She gave me a small, sad smile and nodded, encouraging me to speak. I took a sip of water. Then another one. I looked straight at Sammy.
“Did you...did you…” I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer anymore. What if it hadn’t been real? Would that be better, or worse?
“Did I what, Josh?” Sammy asked in a hushed tone. She dragged her chair closer to me, clutching my hand that was still wrapped around Georgie. I took a deep breath.
“Did you really have a sister called Lizzie?” Sammy looked like I’d slapped her. Whatever she had expected me to ask, it hadn’t been that. She swallowed a few times.
“Did...Did Izzy tell you about her?” she asked, tears in her eyes. Izzy frowned, shaking her head.
“No, Mum. I haven’t had a chance to tell Josh about Auntie Lizzie. Or did I?” she asked me, confused. I shook my head.
“Do you still have the scars? From the bone marrow transplant?” Sammy covered her mouth with a hand, nodding. I turned to Izzy.
“And you went out last night, right? To an Irish bar? With him?” I jerked my head at Ollie, avoiding his eyes as he looked at me.
“Yes, but it wasn’t just with Ollie. It wasn’t like that!” she panicked. I smiled, squeezing her hand.
“I know. You were with Jess and Sophie too, right?” She sighed, relieved I wasn't mad. There were so many thoughts running through my brain, all trying to get their chance in the spotlight. It had been real!
“And Big Mike, he’s still alive, right?” Sammy and Charlie looked at each other. I wouldn't have minded if that part had been made up, if he was actually decaying in the ground somewhere.
“Josh. How could you...how do you know all that? Could you hear us when you were unconscious?” Sammy asked, shocked. I shrugged, unsure if they would believe me. Hell, I wasn't sure I believed me yet. Had I just overheard them? And my brain had filled in the gaps? Maybe I hadn't been walking around with Ryan after all, maybe that part wasn’t real.
“Kind of,” I replied. Izzy tilted her head, eyebrows pulled together. I looked over at Ryan’s side of the room again. My eyes met with Charlie’s.
“When the doctors first told you that Ryan had too much swelling in his brain, when they said that he probably wouldn’t wake up, you went down to The Quad, right?”
“I―” Charlie screwed his face up, thinking. I swung my gaze to Sammy, searching for her confirmation as my pulsed raced. If they had gone to The Quad, then there was no way I could have just been hearing things from my hospital bed. It must have been real!
“You were with him. You were holding his hand and you were pulling him down a gravel path.”
“Josh, how do you―”
“I’m right, yeah? You sat on a bench under that small willow tree?” I was talking louder now, quicker. I needed to know if it all really happened. A tear fell down Sammy’s cheek as she stared at me, disbelief in her eyes.
“Well? That happened, right?” She looked to Charlie then back at me. She nodded.
“Yes,” she whispered.
“So, The Quad. The Quad that’s downstairs. That garden is real, yeah?” Come on, come on. Please let it be real.
“Josh, what’s going on?” Izzy reached out to touch my face, but I pulled back. I couldn’t get distracted right now.
“Tell me. TELL ME! Does. The. Garden. Exist?” I panted. There was a dull throbbing pain at the back of my head.
“Yes, it exists,” Charlie responded. It was real. My stomach gurgled and I trembled, a whole host of emotions crashing through me. I felt sick that I had left Ryan behind, that I had genuinely left him to fend for himself. I could taste the shame at the back of my throat, making me retch. As I turned to grab the glass of water again, I locked eyes with Charlie. The nausea vanished, dampened down by pure hatred.
“Get out.” My jaw twitched as I tensed up. Charlie hesitated.
“I don’t understand, Josh,” he replied, standing up. He took a step closer to me, worry etched acro
ss his face.
“Get OUT!” I roared at him. He flinched.
“Josh, babe, what’s going on? What’s wrong?” Izzy grabbed my face in her hands, turning my chin so I was looking at her and only her.
“It’s his fault Ryan’s gone. It’s his fault!” Sammy gasped. Izzy searched my eyes, trying to understand.
“Josh, it was Big Mike that―”
“I know what happened!” I snapped as I struggled to get out of bed. Izzy jumped out of my way. Georgie sat up, watching me with tired, red eyes. I stumbled as I stood up, my legs weak. Izzy reached out a hand to steady me, grabbing my forearm. Ollie reached across the bed at the same time.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” I barked at him, seething. “You were supposed to look after her last night and look where she fucking ended up!”
“Josh, I didn’t mean to―”
“And you almost let that fucking social worker take Georgie into care. Georgie was crying out and you slept through the whole fucking thing. I thought I was supposed to be able to count on you!” I screamed into Ollie’s face. He recoiled, cringing.
“And you! I was supposed to be able to count on you!” I swung a pointed finger at Charlie, my all too familiar rage breaking free at long last. It had been kept cooped up for far too long.
“You can count on me, Josh―”
“DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME!”
“What’s going on in here?” A doctor poked his head in, looking me up and down. “Do you need me to administer a sedative?” he turned to Sammy. She shook her head.
“That won’t be necessary, doctor. Thank you.” He nodded before leaving the room. I tried to run at Charlie, but it was more of a wobbly lurch. I shoved his chest as hard as I could. He barely moved. Ollie leapt up and went to grab me, but Charlie held his hand up. I shoved him again.
“You told him to die!” Hot tears streamed down my face as I replayed Charlie’s conversation to Ryan in my head. “You said it was OK if he gave up. IT WASN’T OK. WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT?” I tried to swing a punch at him, but he wrapped his arms around me, pinning my fists by my sides. I resisted, throwing my weight around. His grip didn’t waver.
“He was never going to wake up, Josh,” he whispered. The anger dropped from my bones, like leaves falling from branches. I howled into his chest, sinking to the floor. He sunk down with me, not releasing his grasp.
“There was too much damage, Josh. He wouldn’t have been Ryan. Even if he had woken up, it wouldn't have been him. Not really. It would have been so painful for him.”
“He said it felt like his head was going to explode,” I hissed between sobs. Charlie wrenched back, the colour draining from his face.
“What do you mean, son?” I tried to explain but I couldn’t breathe. Why was it so fucking hard to breathe?
“Izzy, get the water,” Charlie urged. She ran over to me with it, kneeling next to us on the floor. I took it from her with a shaky hand, trying to calm down.
“We...Ryan…” I didn’t know how to explain it. “I saw him. We were together. When we were both in a coma, we were together.” I expected Charlie to butt in, but he didn’t. He waited.
“I kept asking him to come back, but he kept saying the pain was too much. He tried to leave after you told him it was OK for him not to come back. Even if it means the people you love have to suffer for a while.” I repeated his words back to him. He began to cry.
“He heard me?” Charlie asked and I nodded.
“And it was him, who kept pulling the curtain across. He hated seeing himself like that. It made him remember when Big Mike...when it all happened. He was afraid.” Charlie’s eyes widened as he shook his head in astonishment. It was like I had verbal diarrhoea. Now I was telling him, I had to get it all out. I needed them to know.
“You said you loved him. And he said, ‘I love you too, Dad.’ That’s how he thought of you. Both of you.” I twisted in Charlie’s arms, seeking out Sammy. “He felt like he’d found new parents,” I choked out. Sammy rushed at us, throwing her arms around Izzy, Charlie and me. I felt Georgie squeeze in too. I opened my eyes, watching Ollie slip out the room. Charlie took a deep breath and I looked up at him.
“Why don’t you start at the beginning?” he smiled, tears still falling freely.
Chapter 19
Isabel
I hadn’t spoken to Jess or Sophie since Friday night. I had a ton of missed calls and messages from them, but other than sending a very brief text on Saturday telling them I was OK, I hadn’t said much to them. I thought it would be easier to explain face-to-face, so I was planning on talking to them this morning before class. I’d skipped school on Monday to spend more time with Josh. I’d hardly left his side since he opened his eyes, but Mum insisted I go back today. She said Josh needed to rest properly and that I couldn’t afford to miss more classes. If Josh's eyes hadn't had dark circles beneath them, I would have fought her on it.
As I walked towards the common room, I tried to plan out in my head what I was going to say to my friends. Telling people that Josh had finally woken up was supposed to feel exhilarating, like the two of us could take on the world. Instead, it was shrouded in pain. I didn’t know how to tell them, how to tell anyone, that Josh had won the fight and survived, but that his brother had lost in the worst possible way. And there seemed to be some kind of unspoken rule that we wouldn’t tell anyone else what Josh had experienced whilst he was in his coma.
I completely, unequivocally believed him. Although I didn’t consider myself religious, I had always felt that there was something more to life than what meets the eye. That there were forces we didn’t quite understand at work, influencing our decisions and shaping our lives. Was that God? I wasn’t sure. But there were lots of unfortunate souls out there praying and begging for miracles, and for some reason, I had been granted one. I didn’t understand why, but I wasn't going to question it. Not only had Josh come back to me, but he had been given the gift of time with his brother. The gift of saying goodbye. No amount of science or rationalisation could explain that―I didn’t want it to. Instead of trying to pick it apart, of trying to find a way to disprove it, I had accepted it as fact. When something so improbable and so unbelievable happened, something that offered so much mercy, comfort and relief, why shouldn't I believe that it was anything other than true?
That wasn't to say that anyone else wouldn’t think we were all raving lunatics. I hadn’t kept a secret from Jess and Sophie before, but I wasn't sure they would understand. I wasn't sure they’d appreciate the beauty of it. And I couldn’t bear the thought of someone making a joke out of it or poking fun at it. It was far too beautiful to be deserving of that.
As soon as I had the common room door open an inch, Jess and Sophie sprung out of their chairs and raced over to me.
“Oh my God, Izzy, are you OK?”
“How long were you in hospital for?”
“Why didn’t you call us?”
“We’ve been so worried!”
“Woah, woah! One at a time, guys.” I forced a smile and headed over to our usual spot. Ed and Jack weren’t there thankfully; I’d rather speak to Jess and Sophie on their own to begin with. I sat down, feeling a little awkward about where to start.
“I could have killed Ollie. He insisted that he go in the ambulance with you instead of one of us. Although to be honest, neither of us were in a much better state. Eh, Soph?” Jess nudged Sophie with her elbow and they both giggled.
“Did you have your stomach pumped? Were your parents mad?” Sophie asked.
“Um, no. I don’t think they do that anymore. I just had an IV for a while. Mum and Dad were fine―”
“Fine? Mine would have seriously kicked my arse,” Jess butted in.
“Did Ollie need treatment too? We haven’t seen him since Friday and he wasn’t in yesterday either,” Sophie said. I felt guilty for not thinking of Ollie sooner. Although Josh was still pissed at him, he really had looked out for me at the bar. I would never have made
it to the hospital without him. I needed to track him down and try to smooth things over at some point.
“Er, no, he was fine."
“Phew, good! Now, what’s the big news, Sophie? I’m dying to know.” Jess scooched her chair closer to Sophie. I wasn't sure how to steer the conversation back so I could tell them what had happened over the weekend. I didn’t know how to talk to them about it, or where to begin.
“She insisted on waiting for you before she said anything else.” Jess rolled her eyes at me.
“Um, actually―” Sophie interrupted me before I could finish.
“Well, I went back to Jack’s Friday night and―” Jess let out a long wolf whistle. Sophie ignored her suggestive looks.
“And he finally asked me!” Sophie grinned, looking at us both expectantly. I stared back at her, blank.
“Asked you what?” Jess asked, equally baffled.
“He asked me to go to the same university as him! I was hoping he would, but I didn’t know if he was serious about us or if he even wanted us to stay together after sixth form. But he does!” Sophie beamed. She looked so happy. It didn’t feel right. It felt like I was betraying Ryan. They should be mourning him, but instead they were gossiping about Sophie’s love life. I should have said something sooner.
“Guys, I should have said earlier but―”
“Oh my God, that’s amazing! What universities are you looking at?” Jess was happy too. Her face was so animated as she asked Sophie about all the insignificant details.
“Can we stop for―”
“Well, Nottingham has two universities; one has a great vet school and the other has a great sports programme, which Jack might be interested in. It would be perfect!” Jess and Sophie squealed and continued their conversation. I couldn’t seem to get a word in. The bell started ringing and suddenly I felt so overwhelmed. I needed to get it out. I needed to tell them.
“Ryan’s dead!” The entire common room fell silent. I’d raised my voice to be heard over the sound of the bell, but it had stopped ringing as soon as I’d opened my mouth. Everyone turned to stare at me. Jess and Sophie had wide eyes.