by Angela Mack
“Wh...what?” Jess looked horrified. People around us began moving, slinging their bags over their shoulders as they prepared to leave. I kept my head low, focusing on my hands in my lap to avoid their eyes.
“Ryan died,” I whispered. There was a sharp intake of breath. Sophie wrapped her arm around my shoulder.
“Why didn’t you say something sooner? I wouldn’t have prattled on if I’d known!” I shrugged.
“I meant to, it just, didn’t come out.”
“I’m so sorry, Izzy.” Jess had tears in her eyes. “How is everyone?” We were the only ones left in the common room now.
“It’s hard. Everyone wants to be happy that Josh woke up but―”
“What! Josh is awake?” Jess reached out and grabbed my hand.
“Oh, sorry, yeah. He woke up right before, right before…” I would not cry, I would not cry. I felt like that was all I had done the past three days. The past three months. Surely, I should have run dry by now?
“Jeez. You’ve had a right stressful weekend, haven’t you? Why the hell are you back at school?” Sophie looked incredulous.
“Josh needs to rest…” I trailed off, not knowing what else to say. I missed him already. Maybe I should have argued to have another day off with him after all.
“You going to the hospital after school?” Jess asked and I nodded. “Mind if we come with?” I smiled at her.
“Not at all. I’m sure Josh will be pleased to see you. He’s probably sick of me clinging to him all the time.”
“Oh, I doubt that. I bet he’ll be pissed we’re gate crashing your visit with him ‘cos he won’t be able to have you all to himself,” Jess said, and I huffed, too drained to laugh.
“Come on, we’ve got biology together now." Sophie looped her arm through mine. “The day will fly by and you’ll be with him again before you know it.”
✽✽✽
“Oh, thank fuck! I’ve been bored shitless without you,” Josh beamed at me as I strolled through the door.
“Josh! You should really watch your language around your brother,” Mum scolded. He raised his eyebrows at her, and I laughed, throwing my arms around him. I took a few seconds to breathe him in. He smelled like home.
“It’s OK. I know they’re bad words. I won’t say them,” Georgie grinned at Mum and she chuckled. He was sitting on her lap watching another movie on the iPad.
“Oh, look. You brought some other people to gawk at me.” Josh spotted Jess and Sophie as they hovered in the doorway. He smiled at them, but I felt him tense up beneath my arms. I pulled back from hugging him, looking him in the eye.
“You look gorgeous,” I whispered to him. I should have checked with him about Jess and Sophie coming to visit before I agreed to it. The last thing I wanted was for him to feel self-conscious. He still looked on edge.
“And I haven’t told them anything about, you know, you being a ghost,” I whispered again, winking. He instantly relaxed, laughing. He reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
“I missed you.” He planted a brief kiss on my lips. I turned, lowering myself to perch beside him. He wrapped one arm around my waist and used his free hand to lace his fingers through mine.
“Wowee. Who’s the artist, then?” Jess asked, admiring all the drawings pinned around the room. Georgie giggled, jumping off Mum’s lap to scamper over to her. He grabbed Jess’ hand and began pulling her around the room, explaining each drawing as he went. Mum watched him, adoration in her eyes.
“How you feeling, Josh?” Sophie asked, stepping up beside his bed. He shrugged.
“Knackered, for some bizarre reason. Even though I’ve been asleep for―” he twisted to look up at me. “What’s the date today?” Josh had been so tired the last few days that after that first couple of hours of him waking, we hadn’t had a chance to talk much. We had mainly cuddled with Georgie, watching films. If we ever had a rare moment alone, he would tell me a bit more about a specific time he’d spent wandering around the In Between, as we had come to call it. I had assumed that one of the doctors or nurses, or hell, even Mum or Dad, had told him how long he’d been in a coma for. But if I was guessing where this conversation was going correctly, he was only about to find out now. I glanced at Mum and she sighed, bracing herself for what was to come.
“Um, it’s March 15th." I could see the white of Josh’s eyes around his irises.
“No, that can’t be right. Are you sure?” Jess and Georgie paused, turning to look at Josh. I held my breath as I nodded.
“But that means I was roaming around”―he slid a sideways glance at Jess and Sophie―“um, in a coma, for almost three months!” His grip on me tightened and I could tell he was trying to temper his reaction because Jess and Sophie were there. I squeezed his hand, trying to reassure him. No one knew how to respond and eventually, Georgie started talking to Jess about his drawings again. Sophie began telling me about our biology coursework and things felt a little less uncomfortable. But Josh stayed silent throughout, not making conversation whatsoever. He was staring over at Ryan’s side of the room again, something he did a lot, lost in thought. Part of me wished they would move Josh into a new room, but I knew he wouldn’t want that. He was holding on to every and any piece of Ryan for as long as he could.
“Hey, Dad! You look...dusty,” I laughed as he entered the room. He was in one of his branded work t-shirts and a pair of cargo shorts. He was one of those nutters that wore shorts all year round, no matter the weather.
“I was helping the guys out with some plastering today. Came straight here once I finished. Josh, if you don’t mind, I’m going to borrow your shower and change.” Dad lifted a sports bag full of clothes up, edging towards the bathroom. Josh didn’t respond. He was still staring at a spot on the floor, as if he hadn't heard Dad at all. Dad paused with his hand on the bathroom door handle, cocking his head at Mum. ‘Later’ she mouthed, and he nodded, pulling the door shut behind him.
“Right, girls. I think Josh could use some more rest. It was lovely seeing you both. Although next time Izzy says she’s going out drinking again, I might tag along.” Mum winked at them as their cheeks coloured in embarrassment. I rolled my eyes, laughing.
“Bye Josh. I’m so happy you’re awake,” Jess waved as Sophie nodded in agreement. He jumped, suddenly aware that he was being spoken to.
“Er, yeah, bye. Thanks for coming,” he smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He sounded like a robot, speaking only words that he had been programmed to say.
“Right, who’s hungry?” Mum asked and Georgie jumped up and down on the spot, his right hand high in the air. Josh’s lips twitched and his eyes started to shine with some of their usual brightness.
“You’re always hungry, trouble.” Josh puckered his brow at Mum. “Come on, let’s go see what they’ve got in the cafe downstairs.” She held her hand out to Georgie.
“Actually, do you mind if I have a few minutes with Georgie? Alone?” Josh asked Mum, eyeing me from his periphery.
“Of course not, honey!” Georgie launched himself onto Josh’s bed, making him wince. “Careful, Georgie,” Mum chastised.
“No, it’s OK. It didn’t hurt. Just a reflex I guess,” Josh said, rubbing his side where his spleen had been removed.
“I’ll come give you a hand, Mum.” I brushed my fingers through Josh’s hair, kissing the top of his head.
“You should never worry about asking me to have time alone with your brother, you muppet,” I whispered in his ear before I stood to leave. He seized my hand, pulling me back to him, angling his chin up at me. I bent down as he kissed me softly, lingering.
“You’re amazing, do you know that?” he smiled and this time, it did reach his eyes. I shrugged, pretending to brush dust off my shoulder.
“I am pretty awesome.” He chuckled and I beamed at him. I was so grateful for the moments that his true self broke through all his pain, his grief. They were few and far between, but gradually, I would eek more and more out of h
im, until he started to remember what happiness felt like.
Mum put her arm around me, ushering me out the door. We walked out of the children’s ward in silence and only once we were alone in the lift, the doors closing, did she begin to speak.
“He’s got a long, hard road ahead of him, Iz.” She hugged me to her, and I gripped her in a fierce embrace.
“I just want to take it all away from him. He’s gone through so much. I don’t know how to make his pain disappear,” I mumbled into her jumper.
“You can’t, honey. Sometimes, he’s going to hurt so bad it feels like it’s eating him up from the inside.” I looked up at Mum, watching as she stared into the top right corner of the lift, blinking fast. “But he has all of us to help him through it. You just need to listen to him, hold him, love him as much as you can and eventually, as the days pass, it will start to hurt a tiny bit less.” A stray tear rolled down her cheek and I knew she was thinking of Auntie Lizzie. She died when I was only a baby, but I still felt a strong connection to her. I didn’t remember her, but I felt like I knew her through all the stories Mum had told me and all the photos she had shown me. And if ever something remarkable happened in my life, I would look up at the sky and wonder if she had anything to do with it, like a guardian angel.
Thank you, Aunt Lizzie. If you’re up there and if you helped Josh come back to us in any way, thank you. Oh, and say hi to Ryan for me. Take good care of him, yeah?
Chapter 20
Joshua
Three fucking months! You had to be shitting me. It sure as shit hadn’t felt like I’d been in the In Between with Ryan for that long. I didn’t have three months’ worth of memories. No way. I started to second guess whether it had all been real again, but it must have been! I needed to get out of this shitty room and go for a wander, see if I knew my way around. That would make me believe that it had truly happened.
“I missed you so much, Joshie. I’m so, so happy you’re here,” Georgie said as he bounced on my bed. I yanked myself from my thoughts to grin at him. I eyed the bathroom door but could still hear the water running. I needed to make sure I spoke with Georgie before Charlie came out.
“I missed you too, munchkin.” I wrestled him into a hug and squeezed until he started wriggling. We had told each other ‘I missed you’ or ‘I love you’ at least twice a day. I needed to catch up for all the times I hadn’t been able to say it to him.
“I didn’t realise I’d been gone for so long, Georgie. I’m sorry. But I need to ask you some things and you need to be honest with me, OK? Don’t worry about upsetting anyone.” I held him by the shoulders and looked him in the eye, making sure he understood that I was being serious.
“Sure, Joshie.” He sat cross-legged across my lap, gazing at me.
“Have you been staying with Izzy’s family the entire time? No one took you anywhere else?” I was pretty sure I knew the answer to this but given how much time had lapsed without me realising, I needed to be certain.
“Yep! I have been eating so much food, Josh. You wouldn’t believe it!” he beamed, and the extra roundness in his face was plain as day. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“That’s great, buddy. And they’ve been good to you, yeah? Sammy and Charlie? You’ve felt safe with them?” I eyeballed the bathroom door again. The shower had stopped but I could hear Charlie fumbling around still. Georgie frowned at me, crossing his arms.
“Don’t you like Sammy and Charlie?”
“Of course I do. I just want to make sure they’ve been taking good care of you.” Honestly, I had been trying not to think about how I felt about Sammy and Charlie. Other than feeling a little awkward and guilty for how I went off on Charlie about what he’d said to Ryan, I tried not to feel anything when it came to them. My own father was a complete dick, so how could I be sure that Sammy and Charlie wouldn’t eventually turn out the same? I wasn't even sure I knew how to trust an adult anymore.
“Joshie, please don’t make me leave them. I love living with Izzy. I even have my own room! We were supposed to decorate it at the weekend, but you woke up. And I was going to ask for bunkbeds, so Ryan could―” Georgie stopped, looking down at his hands. We hadn’t spoken about Ryan. Not once. I didn’t know what to say to him.
“Hey, look at me.” I lifted Georgie’s chin and he scrubbed away the tears in his eyes. “Do you want to talk about it? About Ryan?” He picked at one of my blankets, shaking his head. “OK. Well, when you do, you let me know, yeah?” He nodded and I felt guilty for feeling relieved. I wasn't ready to talk to Georgie about Ryan yet, either. It felt different talking to Georgie than when I talked to Izzy about him. Harder. More painful.
“And we’re going to have to go back to the West View house at some point, Georgie. I can’t stay here forever.” I gestured around me at the hospital room, inwardly hoping that they would keep me here for a while longer. I didn’t want to go back to that shithole either. Although, the chance of a soon-to-be seventeen-year-old living on his own with his brother was slim to none. I sighed, rubbing my forehead. What the fuck were we going to do?
“Actually Josh, we were going to talk to you about that tonight.” Charlie emerged from the bathroom in clean jeans and a t-shirt, towel drying his hair. How much had he heard? As I was about to ask, “talk about what?” Izzy and Sammy returned, drinks and snacks in their arms.
“The food was looking pretty unappetising, so I sweet-talked Nurse Westcott into letting us order pizza,” Sammy winked at Georgie. He cheered, happiness spreading across his face. Izzy stepped into the room behind her mum and smiled at me. My chest started to ache as I noticed how much she lit up the room. Whenever she was near, I felt so much more at ease. I could take on the world as long as she was right there doing it with me. I was so fucking lucky to have her in my life. She held out a can of diet coke.
“Move over,” she said, holding the can hostage, out of my reach. I shimmied over in the bed with Georgie still sitting on my lap. He wobbled but didn’t move. Izzy kicked off her shoes, handing me the drink before climbing under the blanket with me. One of the nurses had repeatedly told us off for sitting like this, something about the spread of germs―fuck off, love―but I loved it. I wrapped my arm around her as she laid her head on my chest. She reached up to hand me a chocolate bar, but I couldn’t take it. I could only stare. It was a Double Decker. She looked up, frowning. I took the chocolate bar, placing it gingerly on the table beside me. She watched me but didn’t say anything. Would it always be like this? Would every little thing that reminded me of Ryan cause my pulse to race, my mouth to dry up? My chest to ache?
“Josh was just talking to Georgie about going back to their old house,” Charlie said to Sammy, one eyebrow raised. Izzy sat bolt upright, shock on her face. Sammy jumped in before she could say anything.
“Ah. Well, that’s good timing, actually. We were planning on having a family discussion about that with you all tonight, anyway.” Family discussion? I don’t think I have ever had one of those in my life.
“I know I should have said it sooner to you both, but thank you very much for taking care of Georgie whilst I...when I couldn’t.” There was that awkward feeling again. “I know I’m not eighteen yet, but do you think there’s any way they’ll let me take Georgie home? Maybe you can talk to Superintendent White, see if he can help persuade whoever we need to?” Izzy opened her mouth, but Sammy shook her head, making her hesitate. Charlie pulled up a chair on one side of us and Sammy dragged the armchair closer, so she was directly opposite me. She put a hand on my leg through the blankets.
“Josh, you and Georgie cannot go back to West View.” I frowned at her. “Even if you weren’t a minor yourself―”
“But―”
“Please let me finish.” She waited and I nodded for her to continue.
“The West View house was owned by the council and it was rented out in your father’s name. After he was arrested, it became clear he was going to be in hospital, if not prison, for a long time. The coun
cil repossessed the house, Josh.” Shit. I should have known. My world was crumbling around me all over again.
“But what about our stuff?” I sighed. It might have been a shithole, but it was our shithole. Now, we had nowhere to call our own.
“It’s all boxed up in our garage. Izzy and Charlie packed it up for you.” I turned to Izzy, searching her gaze.
“I’m sorry, I should have told you. With everything going on I…” she paused, looking embarrassed.
“It’s OK,” I murmured. It wasn’t OK. Where the fuck were we supposed to live? My stomach recoiled, bile rising in my throat. So, this was what it felt like to be homeless.
“Josh, I know you turn seventeen next week”―I saw Izzy’s eyes grow wide out the corner of my eye―“but no matter who we talk to, no one is going to allow a minor to live on their own, let alone be responsible for a child. And you shouldn’t have to. You’ve shouldered enough responsibility for far too long. You should be able to live your life. You deserve to be free.” My mind was reeling. We were going to be forced into care, weren’t we? So much for being free. They were going to split us up, too. I just knew they would. My heart raced, radiating pain as I felt it begin to break.
OK, OK. It was only for a year. Me and Georgie could hack going into care for just twelve months, right? Even if we weren’t together, I’d track him down and see him as much as I could. I gulped, my eyes stinging with unshed tears. I would spend the year working my arse off at Martins, trying to save enough so we could live together again as soon as I turned eighteen. My head pounded as I tried to plan the logistics. It was going to be bloody tough trying to rent privately on my shitty wage. That was if my job was still waiting for me. Judging by how my own fucking house wasn’t still waiting for me, I doubted it. Maybe the council would give me my own house to rent? Their houses were so heavily discounted―maybe I could beg Martin for my old job back and I then I would be able afford it? Yes. That could work.