by Angela Mack
“I can see the cogs turning in your brain, Josh. I admire how you always try to solve a problem yourself, no matter how difficult it seems. But you don’t have to do that anymore, Josh. You’re not on your own. You have us. Let us help you.” No one had ever said that they admired me before. And she was right; I had never relied on anyone else to fix my shit. People always let you down.
“We have a proposition for you,” Sammy smiled. Charlie leaned forward, smiling too. What the fuck was going on?
“As you know, we are currently the legal guardians for Georgie. And after I told Deborah how upset we were about the bruises on Georgie’s arm from where she grabbed him―”
“There weren’t any bruises on Georgie’s arm?” Izzy interrupted. Sammy winked.
“Yes, well, Deborah doesn’t need to know that. Anyway, after I told her that, she was suddenly very cooperative and insisted that she thought we were a great fit for Georgie, so she shouldn’t be bothering us again.” Georgie beamed. “We love Georgie dearly and we want him to continue staying with us.” Part of me was relieved that Georgie would be staying with them. They would look after him, love him. Right?
It hit home that Georgie and I wouldn’t be living together anymore. I needed him as much as I needed air. But that was being selfish, wasn’t it? As long as he was safe, that’s all that truly mattered. But there was a niggling part at the back of my brain, fighting for my attention. What about me? Where would I go? I didn’t want to be stuck in some random shithole children’s home, or with a fucked-up foster family. I choked on a sob, and felt Charlie grip my shoulder. I shook him off me, trembling. First Mum walked out. Then Big Mike decided that I was so worthless, it was OK to beat the crap out of me whenever he wanted. And now Georgie was being taken away from me. I had already lost one brother and now I was losing the other, too.
“And, despite how much you try to push us away, Josh, we very much love you too.” I felt like someone had round kicked me in the chest. I turned to Izzy, not understanding―were they trying to take Georgie away from me or not? She had tears in her eyes.
“We have plenty of space at our house, Josh. We can convert my office in the loft into your bedroom. We know you and Izzy haven’t been together all that long in the grand scheme of things, but regardless of your relationship, you and Georgie are a part of our family now. We want you to come live with us.” Hang on, what? They did want me? They wanted me to live with them too?
“That’s not to say there wouldn’t be some firm rules in place,” Charlie said, putting on a stern voice as he looked between me and Izzy. But he smiled when he said it.
“You don’t need to do this all on your own. You can finish school, go to university, whatever you want. Let us support you and Georgie.” Whatever I want? I took a few deep breaths, trying to keep my emotions in check. My brain struggled to digest everything.
“You don’t have to decide now. If you decide that you don’t want to live with us and would prefer to stay somewhere else”―Sammy paused, swallowing―“then we’ll do everything we can to support that too. We’ll make sure they find you and Georgie a great family to stay with.” Her voice had dropped to a whisper and I could feel the slightest tremor in her hand.
“You mean, I have a choice?”
“Of course you do! We’re not going to force you into doing anything, Josh. This is your life. But we want you to know that you have options. And there’s no pressure for you to stay with us, even though we would all love it if you decided that.” Sammy grabbed my hand in both of hers, her eyes shining. Shit. I didn’t know what to do. What to say. I felt numb with shock. I wanted to trust them. I wanted to believe this would work, but the doubts kept creeping in. What if eventually, they turned on me too? Or what if Izzy finally came to her senses and kicked me to the curb, would they still want us to live with them then? I didn’t know if I could handle someone else walking away from us, betraying us. Maybe we were better off with strangers. When they disappoint me, it wouldn’t hurt. It would be expected. Not like Sammy and Charlie―that would cut deep.
I looked at Georgie and he was staring at me with so much hope in his eyes.
“What do you want to do, buddy?” I was shit scared of what he would say.
“I want to stay with you,” he said, and I sighed in relief. “But I really, really want to stay with them, too.” Sammy released one of her hands from mine to reach out to Georgie, holding his hand too. Come on, Josh. You can do this. Look at them, look at Sammy. You know she loves Georgie. She would never do anything to hurt him.
“And you really mean it? I can live with you, too?” I asked Sammy and she nodded vigorously. I looked over at Charlie. His elbows rested on his knees, his biceps bulging. I studied the definition in his shoulders, the broadness of his chest. How thick his thighs were. How large his hands were. He was the one that was a risk. He could do me and Georgie real harm. I caught his eye and I knew he had seen me size him up as a threat. There was pain in his eyes, but there was something else too. I thought it might be respect.
“And how do you feel about us both living with you?” I asked him. I needed to see his reaction, to see for myself how he really felt. I desperately wanted to believe that living with Izzy’s family could work out for us, but I was afraid. What if Charlie ended up being just as bad as the rest of them?
“Son, there is nothing I want more in this world right now.” He held my gaze with his own, unwavering. I stared back hard, searching his eyes. Do you mean it? If you get angry, will you take it out on me? On Georgie? As if he could read my mind, he held his hand out to me.
“I swear to you that I will never lay a finger on you or your brother. And if you feel threatened by me at any point, you tell me. If you don’t like how I look at you, you tell me. In this family, we talk to each other about our problems. We respect each other. We love each other. We do not hurt each other.” Why did I feel the need to pinch myself? It was easier to believe that I had been stuck in the In Between with Ryan, then believe that Sammy and Charlie genuinely cared for me. Loved me. Why would they? I wasn’t their son. Their blood didn’t run through my veins. And yet…
I reached out and shook Charlie’s hand. He gripped it firm, but not too hard. He didn't try to crush my hand, as if he were trying to prove a point. He shook it as if I were his equal.
“And how about you, babe? Are you OK with all this?” I turned to Izzy. She was the last piece of the puzzle. It all had to fit right if this was going to work. She lifted a hand to my face, rubbing her thumb across the stubble on my chin. I closed my eyes, sinking into her touch. Please be OK with this.
“Josh, look at me.” I opened my eyes and she inched closer to me. “Please come and live with us.” Tears rolled down her cheeks, but her smile was so bright; they were happy tears. I looked at Georgie again and he had risen into a kneeling position, his hands clasped in front of him like he was praying. He started nodding at me, like one of those bobble-head dogs that sit on the dash of a car. The image made me laugh and before I could even say a word, he threw both of his fists into the air.
“Yes! Yes, yes, yes!” He began wiggling in a weird happy dance, and I laughed some more. Sammy stood up and clapped her hands, bending down to kiss me on the cheek. She turned to Georgie and he hurled himself into her arms. She spun him around, laughing. Charlie stood, a wide smile on his face too. He put a hand on my shoulder, looking me in the eye again.
“I meant every word, Josh. You’re safe with us.” I nodded at him. My gut was saying that he was telling the truth, even if I did feel like I had just hurled myself out of a plane, waiting to see if my parachute would open. Waiting to see if it would fail, sending me crashing into the ground, shattering me.
“Did someone order pizza?” Nurse Westcott stuck her head in, pizza boxes balancing in one of her hands. She surveyed the scene in front of her and began grinning too. Georgie raced towards her, and everyone turned to watch him. I looked around the room. So, this was what it felt like to be par
t of a family. I smiled, tears dripping down my chin as I looked over to Ryan’s side of the room. I wish you could be here to see this. I wish you had gotten to experience this feeling right now, brother.
I looked up and saw Charlie staring at where Ryan’s bed used to be too. He sensed me watching him and glanced over. The sadness and longing in his eyes hit me like a hammer, smashing through all my reservations about him. He looked like he was in as much pain as me, as if he was missing his son.
Chapter 21
Isabel
I gently tugged Georgie’s drawings free of their blu-tack, pulling them from the walls and laying them flat inside a box. Josh was coming home today. Home. I couldn’t believe he had agreed to come live with us. Josh turned seventeen in three days, and it was Ryan’s funeral in two. This week was going to be so difficult for him. There was so much change. But I was relieved that he would be surrounded by us the whole time, so we could help him through it.
“Everything packed?” Dad strode into the room. Mum and Georgie had stayed at home to get everything ready.
“Yep. Josh is just finishing getting ready and then we’re good to go.” I nodded at the closed bathroom door as I grabbed Josh’s duffel bag from the bed. Dad snatched it from me before I could sling it over my shoulder. He threw the strap over his instead, letting the bag hang at his back. I held the box of Georgie’s drawings in front of me and we both waited, watching the bathroom door.
“Someone’s looking much more human,” Dad said as Josh appeared, rubbing his clean-shaven face. I narrowed my eyes, studying him. No stitches, no bruises, no cuts. This was the first time I had seen his face completely unblemished. He was beautiful.
“Ready?” Dad asked and Josh nodded. I held my hand out to him and he clung to it, taking a deep breath. We followed Dad as he exited the room. Josh didn’t look back once.
“I must admit, I’m going to miss my favourite patient!” Nurse Westcott scurried out from behind her desk when she saw us, holding her arms out wide. Josh laughed, hunching down to hug her, lifting her off the ground. She squealed.
“Thanks so much for everything you did for me and my brothers.”
“My pleasure, sweetheart. You take care. And I mean this in the nicest possible way; I never want to see you in here again,” she grinned.
“Yes Ma’am.” Josh lifted his hand in a salute. Dad and I took turns hugging her too. She had taken such good care of us all.
We headed towards the lift, Josh and I hand-in-hand. I pretended not to notice when he swerved passed the vending machine, keeping his distance. I had thought buying him the Double Decker the other day had been a good idea, like a small tribute to Ryan. I had clearly been wrong. I knew from packing away his things earlier that the chocolate bar was still tucked away in one of his bedside drawers. I left it behind, not wanting to upset him further.
I swung his arm backwards and forwards, trying to ease the tension he was radiating. He rolled his eyes, chuckling at me. When we got off at the ground floor and began walking down one of the corridors, I was pulled to a stop as Josh paused.
“Can I have a minute?” Josh glanced over at a door and I noticed the sign above it―The Quad. I nodded, kissing his cheek.
“We’ll wait by the exit for you,” I smiled. He took a few tentative steps before disappearing into The Quad. Dad and I headed to the exit, walking out the doors and into the fresh air.
“I’m going to go bring the car around, OK? You’ll be OK waiting here for him?” Dad asked and I bobbed my head in agreement. He took the box of drawings from me, making his way to the car. I waited a few minutes, looking back at the hospital entrance. I thought back to what Josh had said about the times he and Ryan had tried to leave the hospital, when they were still in the In Between. I retraced my steps, re-entering the hospital. I leaned against a wall just before the glass doors. About five minutes later, I saw Dad pull up and I waved so he knew I had seen him.
Another ten minutes passed by and I considered going to check on Josh. Before I could move, I saw him around the corner. I pushed off from the wall, walking to the middle of the corridor. His eyes looked a little red around the edges, but he smiled as he grasped my hand. We walked towards the glass doors. He hesitated, watching as they swished open in front of us. They remained open, waiting.
“Ready?” I asked him. He took a deep breath and lunged forward, wincing as though he was expecting them to slam shut again. He sighed as he passed over the threshold, the sunlight hitting his face. He stopped once we were outside, closing his eyes and tilting his head towards the sky. He took in another large lungful of air, before turning to me.
“Let’s go home.”
✽✽✽
“Joshie! You’re home! Quick, quick. Come look!” Georgie came running out of the house as soon as Dad pulled up on the drive. He wrenched open the car door, grabbing Josh’s hand before trying to yank him out the car.
“Hang on, buddy. At least let me take my bloody seatbelt off,” Josh chuckled, shaking his head. As soon as he was free, Georgie was dragging him to the front door. I hopped out, running to keep up. I didn’t want to miss this. Dad laughed, staying behind to retrieve Josh’s things.
“Come look at my room!” Georgie was pumping his legs, desperate for Josh to hurry up. Josh threw a glance over his shoulder at me, winking. He slowed down on purpose, dragging his feet as he climbed the stairs.
“Come on, Josh,” Georgie urged, frowning. Josh laughed.
“Are you ready? Are you ready?” Georgie bounced on the balls of his feet outside his bedroom door. Josh cocked an eyebrow at me, and I struggled to keep the grin from spreading across my face. Georgie turned the handle, shoving his door open before taking a running dive at his bed. He crawled in, hiding.
“What do you think? Do you like it? It’s awesome, isn’t it?” Georgie shouted from somewhere inside his hidey-hole. His excitement was contagious. He was obsessed with the How to Train Your Dragon movies, so much so that when Mum asked how he wanted his bedroom decorated, he immediately said he wanted a dragon theme. His single bed was pushed up against the far wall, a large canopy of camouflage-coloured netting pinned at strategic places so that it draped over the bed. Mum and I had spent forever winding fake ivy and other leaves through it. Apart from the gap at the front where Georgie could crawl in, his bed was completely covered. His walls were painted a bright blue to mimic the sky and Mum had used some stencils to paint various coloured dragons across it. Even the blind across the wide window was the exact same shade of blue. Josh turned around in a circle, sending admiring glances across every inch. He walked over to a white wardrobe, opening the door.
“Holy shit,” he breathed. OK, so Mum may have gone a teensy bit overboard when Josh agreed he and Georgie would come live us. Josh ran his fingers across the hanging clothes, stopping every now and then to rub material between his finger and thumb. Next to the wardrobe was a white, wooden bookshelf, a large blue toy bucket and a chest of drawers. The furniture all matched. The toy bucket was over-spilling with teddies, games and toys. The bookshelf was crammed. I tried to look at Georgie’s room through Josh’s eyes, starting to panic that it might be too much.
“What do you think?” Mum stepped into the room, eyeing Josh’s back. He was silent for so long that Mum and I began exchanging worried glances. Without warning, Josh whirled around, marched over to Mum and lifted her off the ground.
“Thank you,” he muttered. When he pulled back, Mum had tears in her eyes.
“You are most welcome, sweetie,” she said, rubbing his arm up and down.
“Come on, let’s go see your room now!” Georgie launched himself out of bed, running for the staircase spiralling up to what used to be Mum’s office. Mum was hot on Georgie’s heels and I slipped my hand into Josh’s, squeezing. He beamed at me. We had our feet on the bottom step, about to ascend to Josh’s new room, when Mum stopped. She turned to face us, Georgie running up the remaining steps and disappearing behind her back.
“Now Josh, if you don’t like it, that’s absolutely fine. I tried not to over-do it too much in case you had your own ideas, but I didn’t want you coming back to an empty room either. But it’s―”
“Mum. Stop worrying, will you? Just show him the room.” I rolled my eyes at her and she nodded, smiling. We all trudged up the stairs and I made sure I was in front of Josh so I could see his face when he saw his room. I knew he was going to love it.
Georgie, Mum and I hovered at the top of the stairs, watching Josh as he surveyed his room. His furniture was all dark wood, almost black. He had a triple door wardrobe, floating shelves dotted around various walls, a large desk with a black leather chair, and a low, wide chest of drawers.
“Now, I don’t want you to think this is a bribe for getting you to stay here, but I may have gotten a little carried away.” Mum walked over to Josh’s double bed―black leather with a large, thick footboard. There were narrow bedside units either side and she plucked a small remote off the top of one of them. She pointed the remote at the foot of the bed, pressing a button. A thirty-two-inch TV slowly rose from the footboard. Josh’s mouth dropped open.
“Are you shitting me?” he exclaimed, walking until he was level with the head of the bed. He turned, staring at the TV. He was about to say something else when he saw what was hanging on the wall behind the TV. Above the doorway to his room, on the wall opposite his bed, was a large black and white canvas. It was the photo of Georgie, Ryan and I that Josh had done sketches of for us at Christmas. I still felt a little embarrassed at seeing my face so large in Josh’s room, but Mum had been adamant that he’d love it. Looking at his face now, I wasn't so sure.
He retraced his steps until he was right underneath the canvas, his neck craned back as far as it would go so he could look up. His eyes flicked left and right, scrutinising the other photos we had placed around the canvas; there was one from Christmas of Ryan and Georgie opening presents, one of Josh carrying Ryan over his shoulder at the bowling alley, and a selfie of Josh and I when we were out walking one day, snow in the background. We had also framed Georgie’s drawing of Oreo the dog, and another drawing of the three of them standing outside of your typical four-windowed house with a picket fence. Georgie had coloured in a bright sun in the middle of the sky and in the top right-hand corner he’d scrawled ‘home.’ Josh stood on tiptoes to touch the bottom of the frame. I snuck up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist, and rested my chin on his shoulder.