by Ramy Vance
Then the boils started launching off like popcorn, just as the monster came to life.
Suzuki rushed over to Stew and helped him to his feet as their enemies started to regroup. “Come on,” Suzuki shouted, “Let’s get the fuck out of here!”
The Mundanes turned and hoofed it. Suzuki ran faster than he ever thought he could. Behind them, the baby dark god Hal-shoroth was growing and expanding, his tentacles stretching out like heavy columns, falling on the orcs and vampires trying to avoid him.
At the same time, the gremouloons were multiplying at an unbelievable rate.
They nearly covered the floor.
None of this mattered to the Mundanes. They twisted and turned through the maze of rooms until they found themselves back in the kitchen. Sandy pointed to the stairwell that they had taken to descend into the church’s depths. They ran up the stairs as an unearthly bleating chased after them.
Finally, the Mundanes burst out of the church and into the rising sun. It was just after dawn. Suzuki turned around and fell on his ass.
Sandy caught Suzuki’s collar and tried to force him to stand. “Come on, you fucking idiot, we need to get the hell out of here,” she shouted.
Suzuki smiled and leaned back, resting his hands in the grass. “Nah,” he sighed. “Take a seat. This should be good.”
“Are you fucking crazy?”
The air was filled with the sound of destruction. The fleshy mass of Hal-shoroth burst out of the church, a mass of disjointed body parts with a squashed human skull sitting atop it all.
Stew’s jaw dropped. “This is what you want to see?”
Suzuki shook his head, smiling smugly. “Just wait for it.”
As Suzuki was talking, the mass of the newly formed Hal-shoroth was overtaken by thousands of small scurrying gremouloons. They were gnawing on the newly-formed god as the sun shone down through the rubble, turning all the vampires to ash.
The great lumbering creature fell to the earth, trembling as the vicious gremouloons spread over its body. It did not take long until the abomination was reduced to nothing but bones.
The gremouloons scampered into the forest.
Suzuki brushed his shoulders off as he stood. “And that’s called a fucking plan,” he gloated. “You can both dwell on my awesomeness for as long as you need to. Take your time. Don’t rush it.”
Stew and Sandy were speechless. No one said anything as they made their way back to their axbeaks, which were sharpening their beaks against the trees out of boredom.
Finally, Stew cleared his throat and said, “Dude. That was fucking glorious.”
Suzuki nodded as he cast healing on himself and Stew. Not that he had noticed his wounds. He was too high from the battle.
Once they were healed, the Mundanes saddled up.
This was a victory that dwarfed anything they had accomplished before. There was too much to be said, so they made their way back to the Shire, each replaying the last three days in their heads. They were the Mundanes. Suzuki felt like they had just made sure the Dark One would never forget that name.
Chapter Seventeen
The Mundanes arrived at the Red Lion to a flurry of celebration. The tavern was already in full swing for the evening. They were one of four parties returning from extensive quests. Most of the MERCs were already somewhat sloshed by the time Suzuki managed to pry the Red Lion’s front door open. They were greeted with shouts and praises, although it didn’t seem that many of the MERCs actually knew what they were congratulating the Mundanes for, which didn’t bother the Mundanes at all.
They were glad to be alive.
After Suzuki, Sandy, and Stew finished a round of complimentary shots, they were guided to the backroom, where the Horsemen were waiting for them. José was playing cards with a group of MERCs. Diana and the Chipmaster were sitting in the corner, smoking. When Diana saw the Mundanes, she jumped out of her seat to greet them.
Diana threw her arms around Sandy, beaming brightly. “You guys made it out,” she cooed. “How did you like the tomes? Did you dig the wand? What spell did you find easiest to cast?”
Sandy waved Diana’s questions away and smiled breezily. “Too many questions,” she laughed. “Grab me a drink, and I’ll tell you all about it.”
Sandy and Diana wandered off to find an ale while the Chipmaster stood there awkwardly with Stew and Suzuki. She finally cleared her throat. “So, uh, you young’uns find anything shiny to play with?”
Suzuki removed his HUD, handed it to the Chipmaster, along with the SD cards they had looted. “We got these,” he said. “Would you install them properly for us?”
The Chipmaster snatched the HUD and SD cards out of Suzuki’s hand like a greedy rat. “Oh, you bet, boyo,” she exclaimed. “I been sitting around here all night waiting for something worthwhile and shiny to plop right into my lap. You three don’t ever seem to disappoint. Oh, yeah, by the way, big ol’ in charge is waiting to hear back from you.” The Chipmaster looked at Stew for longer than was comfortable. “You, come with me. I got a feeling that you might need a doctor. You’re looking a little on the pale side of the moon.”
The Chipmaster grabbed Stew by his ear and pulled him away while he yelped his displeasure.
Suzuki shrugged his shoulders and pulled up a seat next to José at the card game.
José’s eyes drifted over to Suzuki. The corner of his lips twisted up in a knowing smile. “I thought you guys were going to get killed for sure,” he said.
Suzuki still couldn’t hide the inner fanboy raging within. “You mean like died and resurrected like Gandalf the Gray?”
“No, I meant like killed, like the dead in the ground. You get the thing?”
Suzuki pulled out the golden chalice and put it on the table. José scooped it up and held it up to the light. “Now that is a good chalice,” he praised. José passed the chalice to one of his acolytes sitting at the table. “Melt that shit down and make me something cool, all right?”
“Wait, you’re just going to melt it? We almost got killed for that shit.”
José grabbed Suzuki by the neck and pulled him close. “No, you didn’t,” he consoled Suzuki. “You almost died to put a stop to a massive raid on the Shire. And you also managed to bring me back some enchanted gold that I can put to good use for a sick ass weapon. That’s why you almost got killed. So what did you find out?”
“Hold on, you knew about the attack? And you sent us in?”
“Last time I checked, you guys were the Mundanes. The second-most-talked-about-party in all of MERC.”
“We are?”
“You are. I sent you to take care of something that I hoped you could handle. And you did. So what did you find out?”
Suzuki had hardly had time to process what had happened at the church. Even though he and the rest of the Mundanes had traveled in mostly silence, he had been so burned out from the last couple days that he had just given his mind a rest. He tried to focus and make sense of everything that had happened over the last few days. Suzuki started slowly. “There were vampires, but orcs too. They were working together.”
“That’s not surprising. The Dark One’s been uniting all of the dark races.”
“There was a dwarf too.” Then it all came flooding back to Suzuki. “They were trying to resurrect some kind of god to attack the Shire. I accidentally dropped in on a meeting that was going on with the vampires and agents from the Dark One’s army. I met someone called Viceroy, who was like a lieutenant or something. They used orbs to communicate with the different factions, that dwarf included. But the orb…that was the really weird part. It didn’t feel like magic. It was…it was more like… I don’t know, it felt like technology. Not human technology, but whatever they were using wasn’t magic.”
“What else?”
“The dwarf mentioned an attack on some realm. He said it was the sixth realm or something like that.”
José stroked his beard and leaned back in his chair. “Sixth realm,” he repeated.
“I’ve never heard of anything like that before. We’ll have to check into that. So what do you think your percentages at rescuing your friend Beth are like now?”
“Fuck me if I know. I just got back.”
José pulled up his HUD. “Looks like you guys are at 18% right now,” he said, his tone consoling and comforting. “Still looks like you guys don’t quite have enough. You said it was near where Ellis Island would be on Earth, right? With Red Orcs?”
Suzuki nodded. “They mentioned something about capturing human soldiers. That’s got to be more proof that Beth’s alive.”
José pursed his lips, deep in thought for a few seconds. “That checks out with what I know. I made some inquiries,” he finally explained. “Sure enough, there were some humans being held captive there.”
Suzuki jumped out of his seat. “Beth’s still alive. I knew it.”
José raised his hands, trying to calm Suzuki down. “Hold on,” he cautioned. “That intel is at least a week old. We don’t know what’s happened since then. And in case you’ve forgotten, you’re chances of success are still at 18%.”
“That’s enough. We’ll take our chances. We aren’t leaving Beth behind.”
“The HUDs won’t let you. They’ll teleport you back the moment you step in there.”
“Then we’ll leave them behind.”
José laughed and shook his head. For a moment, Suzuki was reminded of his father. “And go in blind,” José chastised. “Are you fucking serious? Don’t even bother with being able to gauge your actions based on your outcome. Just throw all planning to the wind? Go in there acting like a couple of fucking newbs? I was under the impression that you were the leader of the Mundanes, the MERCs who’ve come out over impossible odds because they’re talented, well-led, and not a bunch of idiots.”
Suzuki didn’t have anything to say, so he just glared at José.
José cleared his throat and started again as he laid down his playing cards. “From what I’ve heard, you’re a brilliant tactician. And that stunt that you pulled at the church is proof. So what’s your tactic for this?”
Suzuki was still drawing a blank. But worse than being unable to think of a plan, he was growing more and more frustrated with José. “Listen,” he shouted. “Every second that we’re talking is one less second that I’m spending finding Beth.”
“Ah, you love her, don’t you?”
“Why the hell does that matter?”
“Love is a beautiful emotion. It causes people to try and be better than they are. Sometimes. Other times it makes people act like complete fucking idiots. Love is the kind of shit that can get you killed. Your percentage of success is shit. Lucky for you, the Horsemen are coming along for the ride.”
José pulled up a screen on his HUD. He typed in a couple of keystrokes. “Looks like you’re at thirty-eight percent.” He sighed. “That’s less than I expected. I figured we’d be worth more, but that just goes to show what we’re up against. And like you said, she’s running out of time.”
Suzuki could hardly believe what he had just heard. The Horsemen were coming with them. José was coming with them. For the first time in weeks, Suzuki could see the Mundanes being able to pull this off. He was overcome with too many conflicting emotions. None of them truly mattered, though. There was one thought that was louder than all the rest.
We’re coming for you, Beth.
We’re coming…
Chapter Eighteen
The prisons on the outskirts of the red orc camp were barbaric. Orcs did not care for creature comforts for themselves, and even less so for their prisoners.
Brutality was still the only language they spoke.
Beth and the rest of her troop were being held in an underground prison mine. From the outside, the prison looked like a massive ant colony: dozens of different rooms interconnected with each other. Even if Beth could figure out how to escape their cell, she wouldn’t have been able to navigate the winding paths of the orcs.
Orc capture had been covered extensively during boot camp.
So had will and perseverance, skills that were coming in
handy at the moment.
The human prisoners had lost track of time. No one had any idea how long they had been underground. The Sergeant’s beard had grown several inches, as had her hair.
One of the corners of the room was the shit and piss corner, and the cell reeked of urine and defecation.
Spirits were still high, however, even if hygiene was on the decline. Most of the prisoners could hardly be distinguished from the dirt walls.
They were mostly quiet, as casual talking points had run out during the first hours. They had cycled through what their first meals were going to be when they escaped.
And they ran through escape plans, endless escape plans that simply weren’t feasible. They were in the heart of the enemy camp, well-guarded and constantly checked in on. What was more, every now and then, one of them would be taken, never to return. Since arriving, that had been the fate of three of them.
Wherever they were taken and for whatever reason, it had been infrequent, with no rhyme or reason to it.
Sarge groaned as he stretched out. He scratched his beard and winced suddenly. After a few seconds of searching and separating his beard, he pulled out a tick. “Holy shit,” Sarge muttered. “My beard’s gone feral.” Sarge popped the tick into his mouth and swallowed it.
Beth was one of the few in her troop to see the action, and her stomach instinctively turned, but she realized how jealous eating bugs made her feel. She found herself suddenly wishing she had some ticks of her own.
“Did you just eat that?” Beth asked.
Sarge nodded and sighed as he continued looking through his beard for more ticks. “Protein, girl,” he said. “Gotta make sure to get that protein.”
A soldier in the corner with dark eyes and a mischievous grin chuckled. “You know what else is protein?” he joked as he pointed at his crotch.
Beth shot him a look. “Tell you what, Myers. Get it up, and we’ll negotiate.”
Sarge popped another tick in his mouth, and there was a satisfying crunch. “Myers,” Sarge growled. “If anyone is getting the sickly protein that you save in that sorry excuse for a pleasure stick, it’s going to be your commanding officer. I can’t leave you idiots to fend for yourself.”
“Sir, no offense, but in all honesty, I would prefer to keep my love seed for myself. I have…a certain special ability. Besides, it’s—”
The cell broke out in a chorus of “protein.” The prisoners couldn’t help but laugh, and Beth thanked God that she’d managed to be stationed with some soldiers with a sense of humor.
The Mundanes would have loved these guys.
Suzuki might have taken some getting used to as he was a little bit of a prudish nerd, but he always knew how to take a joke. She missed him. It felt like forever since she’d last gotten to talk to him.
And ever since her HUD stopped sending the repeated message because the system eventually figured out the error, Suzuki felt farther away than ever.
A red orc opened the cell door and the prisoners’ laughter died off. The orc grabbed the closest prisoner to the door, dragged him to his feet, and smashed the prisoner’s face against the wall, knocking out two of his teeth. The prisoner fell to the ground like a sack of wet clothes. Then the orc commenced to stomping on Myers who had been stupid and brave enough to come to their friend’s aid. The unlucky soldier had stopped being able to scream long before the orc relented its attack.
Satisfied, the red orc picked up the prisoner he had first hit, unchained him, and dragged him out of the cell.
Beth glared with intense hatred at the red orc as he dragged her friend away, imagining sliding her sword into his spine. That was why she noticed the small microchip, hardly larger than a fingernail, lodged into the back neck fat of the orc.
What the hell is that? she thought.
Eventually, Myers woke up and forced himself to ro
ll over. “Hey, Sarge,” Myers whimpered. “I’m leaking a shit-ton of protein.”
None of the prisoners laughed.
Outside, Beth could hear the marching of the red orcs. Suzuki, how much longer are you going to take? she wondered. How much more of this can we take?
Author Notes Ramy Vance
August 10, 2019
Buffy saved my life. Twice.
I mean this as literally as one can when talking about a fictional character. The first time was when I was twenty-three and had just moved to Japan to teach English. You see, I had wanted to be a writer since I was eight, and I figured moving to the land of anime, samurais, and sushi would get my creative juices flowing.
It didn’t.
It seems that creativity doesn’t show up when you are alone in a small city where no one speaks your native tongue – in my case, English. And by no one, I mean, no one. And it didn’t help that my smattering of Japanese was relegated to basic phrases like “Where is the bathroom?” and “My name is Ramy.”
There are only so many times you can tell someone your name before they think you’re weird. And as for the bathroom, I’m pretty sure the whole town thought I had IBS.
As the weeks turned into months, I experienced a loneliness so deep that there were times I thought I would literally turn into a wisp of smoke to be carried away by the wind. If you’ve ever experienced true loneliness, then you’ll know what I mean. And if you haven’t, well, then I pray you never do. There are few emotions so completely soul-breaking…
I think I might have faded away into that wisp if it wasn’t for Buffy.
For some reason, local television played an episode of Buffy every Wednesday at 7:30pm. It was the only English I ever heard, and it became the one hour a week (well, forty minutes) where I could escape into a world that made sense (even when Darla was doing her thing). I built my week around that episode of Buffy, telling myself, “Only two more days until Buffy. Only one more day until Buffy…”