His big, striking, brown eyes widened and welled. Chin trembling, he parted his mouth then closed it.
She waited and watched a boy so young fight tears. Why did he? Because he was a boy?
Her stomach rolled, heart clenched. She slid her thumb along his cheek. “It’s okay, sweetheart. You don’t have to say anything, but I just wanted you to know I love the sound of your voice. I love when you share things with me. I love when you smile and laugh. I love you.”
She smiled. “Another thing, it’s okay to cry. If you don’t want anyone to see you, come to me. I’ll hold you, and I promise I won’t tell anyone.” She then pressed a kiss to his forehead.
When she straightened, he wrapped his arms around her middle, hugging her tight. His body stiff while his tears wet her shirt. He didn’t cry for long, only a few minutes. The whole time, she fought not to sob.
Then he let her go and looked up. “Love you, Lex.”
Three words…
The best three words she’d ever heard.
****
Lex barely said a word all night. She talked, not so much it was annoying but enough to enjoy. Then again, maybe Dodge enjoyed it because he liked her voice, liked to hear her talk, loved her and didn’t mind listening.
He didn’t know what could’ve happened. It’d been a regular Sunday. They went to the park in the morning and had burgers for lunch. He dropped off Lex and Cul at home while he went to the compound to talk to the brothers. When he returned and relieved Beef of duty, who’d been keeping an eye out for them, Lex had been in the kitchen cooking, Cul sitting on a stool, a series of toys on the counter in front of him along with an empty plate, one that had no doubt once held some of Lex’s homemade cookies.
He kissed the top of Cul’s head and closed the distance between him and Lex. By the time he got to her, she had faced him, a soft smile on her face.
“We missed you.”
He grinned.
“Steaks, mashed potatoes, and green beans.”
“Sounds good.”
They had dinner. She’d been quiet then too, but he hadn’t thought anything of it since she didn’t look upset. They watched some TV with Cul. Then, too, she’d been reserved. He left to supervise Cul in the bathtub and tuck him into bed. When he walked into their bedroom, he couldn’t deny it.
Wearing one of his shirts, she sat on the bed, her long legs in front of her, a book on her thighs. Her head tilted down, but her gaze was on the floor.
“Lex?”
Her head shot up, and her eyes widened like she’d been so stuck in her head she hadn’t noticed he’d been standing there staring at her.
“You okay?”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
He cocked his head. “Yeah?”
She smiled a sad smile, closed her book, placed it on the nightstand, and tucked her legs under herself. “Cullen.”
Striding toward her, he took a seat on the bed in front of her.
“Today, I told him I love the sound of his voice, that I love to hear him talk. I was trying to encourage him to speak more.” Her eyes watered. “We know he can. He just…doesn’t.” She shrugged. “Then he started fighting tears, and it got me thinking.”
She released a loaded breath. “Why?”
He hated this, hated his boy rarely spoke, hated it worried Lex, hated to be so worried about his boy.
Swallowing, he shook his head lightly. “Don’t know why he doesn’t talk much, babe—”
“No, Dodge. I meant why would a three-year-old fight tears? Why does he think he can’t cry? Is it the same reason he doesn’t talk often?”
His gut twisted. He dropped his head and remembered something he’d tried to block out but never could.
“What is it?”
His gaze hit hers. With a rough voice, he admitted, “Cul had just turned two. It was a holiday, so the daycare was closed. I had to go to the compound for a meeting. I wasn’t gone for more than an hour. When I got home, from the doorstep, I heard her yelling, telling him to ‘shut the fuck up and stop fucking crying.’”
He swallowed. “I opened the door and found them in the living room. Cullen was on the floor, his hand to his knee like he’d hurt it, silent tears streaming down his face.”
Dodge had been so pissed he’d told her to find somewhere else to live, that he was done. She left but returned a week later crying fake tears, telling him how much she missed her son, and then, she said something that resonated with him. She’d said she wasn’t a perfect mother, but she tried her best. She promised she’d do better. He let her stay. It didn’t last long after that, but the damage was done.
Why hadn’t he thought of this before now? He knew deep down Cullen not speaking had something to do with Lilliam, but he hadn’t linked it to that incident. That was just one time, the one time he caught her. For all he knew, she could’ve spent every second he was away yelling at Cullen, telling him to shut up, to stop crying. Maybe it’s why he didn’t talk often, why he fought tears. Maybe he thought by doing what she wanted she’d come back. Dodge didn’t think Cullen wanted his mother back, but he couldn’t be sure.
Bile rose in the back of his throat.
Lex’s jaw dropped. She covered her mouth with the palm of her hand. Then without blinking, tears spilled out of her eyes. “He thinks he’s good when he doesn’t cry.”
He nodded, feeling nothing but an ache slicing open his chest. He didn’t try to hide it because he knew that kind of pain couldn’t be.
Lex stared at him, eyes and face soft. “He thinks if he’s quiet, he’s good.”
His chest tightened, throat clogged making it hard to breathe. He nodded again.
She leaned in to him, hands on his cheeks, fresh tears glistening her eyes. “This isn’t your fault, honey. Please, please, listen to me. Believe me. This isn’t your fault.”
“One day, you’ll be a mom, and you’ll come to realize guilt’s part of being a parent. Something bad happens, you blame you. It’s just the way it is.” He shook his head. “This isn’t that though. This is my fault. I knew she was shit, and I kept her around. I—”
“Maybe you knew she wasn’t the best mother, but she’s still his mother. It wasn’t an easy choice, but you did what you thought was right at the time.”
Maybe. He knew one thing for sure. He needed to talk to Cul, not tonight though. Tomorrow. Tonight, he’d enjoy his sweet Lex, always there for him, for his boy.
Snaking his arms around her waist, he lifted her, hauled her against him then lay on his back with her sprawled on him. “So glad you moved across the street.”
She smirked. “You have a poor way of showing it.”
Cocking a brow, he shot back, “The sex isn’t good for you, babe?”
That sadness lighting her eyes faded. Looking away, she shrugged.
He rolled, trapping her under him. “Taking that as a challenge. That means you’re lucky if you get a couple of hours of sleep tonight. Don’t complain. You asked for it.”
He kissed her deep.
Then he made her come several times.
Each time she went wild, she told him she loved him.
****
Cul, sitting on a stool at the counter, gulped the rest of his milk, wiped his face with the back of his hand, and met his gaze.
No one could say his boy wasn’t smart. Already he’d picked up on his mood. The curious and cautious look on his face clue enough.
Dodge pulled in a deep breath then released it. “I gotta talk to you about something.”
Cul hesitated for a second before he nodded.
The marble counter between them, Dodge leaned forward resting his weight on his elbows. “I told you Lex and me are together now. I told you me and your mother are getting divorced, which means we won’t ever be together. We won’t ever live together. I told you this, but I realized it was me talking and I should’ve been listening.”
Cul wrinkled his brows.
“I messed up, and I’m sorry, Cul. I’m not perfect. I make mi
stakes. I never want you to feel like you can’t talk to me. You can, anytime. I don’t want you to ever be scared of telling me anything, no matter what it is. You’re just a kid, so I’m gonna do my best to ask you, but if ever you need to tell me something, you can, ’kay?”
Cul nodded.
“So is there anything you want to tell me?”
Cul leaned back against the chair and shook his head.
“Anything at all you want to talk to me about? About Lex and me and your mother?”
Cul held his gaze but didn’t say a word.
He tried a different tactic, simple, to the point, yes or no questions. “You like Lex?”
Cul nodded immediately.
Right, he knew that much. Easy questions first.
“You mind she’s…with me? That we’re together?”
Cul shook his head.
“You mind she’s living with us?”
“No.” A firm no, holding his father’s stare, he hadn’t even blinked.
“I…” He walked around the counter and plucked Cul from his seat. Moving aside the empty plate and glass, Dodge sat Cul on the marble and sat on the stool in front of him. “I love Lex. I love a lot of things about her, and one of the things I love most is the way she’s with you. She worries about you, takes care of you, loves you.”
Cul’s eyes watered. His little face scrunched up, fighting those tears.
“I think the way things are going maybe someday she’ll be part of our family.”
Cul’s eyes widened. He nodded swiftly. “I want.”
Some of the tension lining his body melted, he smiled. “You want that?”
Cul blinked, and thick tears streamed down his face. He nodded again instantly.
Dodge reached for Cul’s hands settled at either side of him on the marble and held them in his. “I want that too.”
He dropped his head and stared at his lap to get the courage he needed to ask what he had to. Lifting his gaze, he met his boy’s eyes. “You know ’cause things change, it doesn’t mean you can’t miss your mother—”
Cul’s expression tightened, nostrils flared. Shaking his head, he shouted, “No!” Then he drew away, ripping his hands from under his.
“Cul—”
His chest rose and fell quickly. Breaths came out in gasps. “No! No! No miss! No want! Want Lex! I! Want! Lex!” Then he hid his face in his hands and sobbed.
Never had he heard Cul say so much. Amazing, and he couldn’t enjoy it. That deep pain slicing through his gut, up his chest and throat wouldn’t let him.
He hauled his boy against his chest, holding him tight. His small body trembled against his. “Shh…” Throat clogging, he rubbed his son’s back. “I got you, Cul. It’s okay. It’s gonna be fine.”
“N-nooooo, Mother! Want L-Lex…” Each word coming out higher and higher until his voice cracked.
“I know Cul, and you got her. We got her. She’s not going anywhere.”
“Mother, no!” Another sob tore from his throat. “Lex, yes. Lex! Lex!”
The magnitude of everything Cul said overwhelmed him. He understood that his boy didn’t want his mother. Cul wanted Lex. What he didn’t get was why his boy was so upset.
When the thought came, his heart sank to the pit of his stomach.
He grasped his son by the shoulders and drew him away, catching sight of his red, tear-streaked face. “Your mother ever hurt you, Cul? She hit you?”
Fresh tears welled. Cul blinked, and they ran down his face. “Mother’s m-mean.” He shook his head, and looking so much older than his three years, he said convinced, “She don’t want me, don’t love me.” He wiped his face with the back of his hand. “Lex l-loves me. I know. Lex said…she loves m-me.”
His chest contracted; pain rippled through his insides and spread leaving no part of him unscathed.
He wanted the best for his boy. He’d do anything and everything to give him that, and he’d never wanted him to learn that sometimes the people who were supposed to love him the most didn’t.
He rested one hand on the back of Cul’s neck. “Some kids don’t have parents, Cul. Some only have a mom. Others only have a dad. You have me. You have Lex. You have all your uncles and aunts and the club. You have a lot. You gotta live your life thinking about all you have, not what you’re missing. You don’t, you’ll never be happy with all you’ve got.”
Cul sniffed and nodded. “Lex leave?”
He shook his head. “Lex isn’t leaving you. She loves you. You believe me, yeah?”
Cul wiped his face. “Yeah.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Lex tucked Cul tightly in bed, stood, and turned.
“Wish you were my mom.”
Her body locked. Her palm went to her chest, fingers gripping her skin. She blinked repeatedly, forcing the tears that welled instantly to dry. Then she dropped her hand and faced him.
Laying in his full-size bed, his superhero comforter over him, hair ruffled from when she’d pushed it away from his face to kiss him goodnight. His beautiful brown eyes wide awake and on hers.
The most she’d ever heard him say, and he said it slow and clearly like he wanted to make sure she understood.
Her hammering heart stilled, chest tightened. His face blurred, something she couldn’t have prevented staring at him after having just heard him say what he had. With no clue of the right thing to say, she did what came naturally.
Closing the distance between them, she sat on the edge of his bed where she’d been just a moment before. She leaned in to him and hugged him tightly. Then and there, tears drifted down her face. After a long while holding him, she wiped her face, sniffed, pressed a kiss to his forehead, and drew away. Gazing into his eyes, she threaded her fingers through his hair and said the God’s honest truth. “Me too, sweetheart.”
Fighting tears, she stayed with him until his eyes got heavy and he fell asleep. Only then did she whisper, “Sweet dreams, honey.”
She closed her eyes, breathed deep, and stood. Walking out of his room, she closed the door behind her, made a right, strode down the hallway, and took a left toward the front door.
“Lex?”
She stilled. “Yes?”
“Where’re you going? You need something from home? I’ll get it for you.”
God, she didn’t need him to be sweet. She needed him to leave her alone so she could cry her eyes out.
“No, I-I just need some time…”
That didn’t come out right, but she’d make it worse if she tried to explain. Maybe this one time, he’d let it go.
“You need time?”
“Yes, space.”
Damn it! Why had she said that and made it sound worse?
“You need time and space?”
She swallowed. “Yes.”
“Why?” His voice gruff.
“I just…do.”
He grabbed her upper arm and spun her to face him. Coward she was, she shut her eyes. She couldn’t look at him. She did, she’d cave and she couldn’t.
“No.”
She snapped open her eyes and met his dark, angry ones. Then her gaze swept his handsome face. All it took for her will to crumble. “No?”
He leaned in to her, his breaths heating her face. “No. I’m not giving you time or space.” His voice low and rough.
“You’ll keep me here when I don’t want to be?”
Jaw hard, eyes narrowed, he shot back, “You want to go, you tell me why.”
She could attempt to pry his fingers off her and run, but he’d chase her. No other choice.
Biting the side of her lip, she whispered, “Cul…”
His eyes widened.
Without so much as a blink, tears trailed down her face. “He told me he wished I was his mom.”
He parted his mouth, shut it, and let her go. Then he balled his hands and took a step back, his pained stare never leaving hers.
“I told him I did too.”
His eyes softened.
“I
didn’t lie.”
He drew his brows together as he scanned her face. “So you want to go home ’cause he wants you to be his mom and you want to be his mom?”
She angled her head slightly, stare shooting behind him into the kitchen. The dishwasher open, the bottom rack pulled out, a series of plates and pots lay on the marble counter. “Not exactly.”
“Then?”
“I’m upset and…angry. It’s just so unfair.” A river of tears running down her cheeks, a fruitless effort, but she wiped them away. “He’s so special, and he doesn’t have a mom. I don’t want him to hurt. I wish I could take it away.”
He released a breath. “Lex…” The next instant, his arms hooked around her, and he drew her to him. Her chest hit his. Then he rubbed his hands down her back. After a moment, he cupped her cheeks and slanted her face to his. “He’s got you.”
“I’m not his mom—”
He wiped the tears from her face with his thumbs and grinned. “Are you proposing?”
Making a joke to liven her mood, he always did things like that.
She laughed.
“Okay, Lex. I’ll marry you, but when we tell this story, I proposed to you, yeah?”
She laughed harder. He slid his hands across her cheeks to the back of her head and down her back. She buried her face in his chest. One of his hands glided up and came to a stop at the base of her neck.
“I know you want to marry me, know you love my kid. You’re the closest thing he has to a mom. He’s crazy about you, just as crazy as you are about him, so I still don’t get why you want to go home.”
She angled her head back to meet his eyes. “I needed to have a good cry.”
He quirked a brow. “If we’re gonna get married, you gotta learn to share stuff with me even if it means you’ll have a good cry while doing it.”
She smacked his chest playfully. “Stop messing around. I’m serious.”
His eyes softened. Then he wiped the smile from his face. “I’m serious too, Lex.”
Serious? No. They couldn’t get married! They’d only dated a few months.
He grabbed a strand of her hair, tucked it behind her ear, and cupped her cheek. “Love you, Lex. Want you to move in officially. Want you to marry me. Want you to be Cul’s mom. Want to get you pregnant and give Cul a brother or a sister.”
Riding Hard (Hell Ryders MC Book 4) Page 28