My heart jolts with a sense of warmth. My Momma doesn’t resent me for being here. She isn’t a liar. She’s the most honest person in the world.
“Is Daddy still mad at me?”
She waves me off dismissively.
“He is a crochety old fool. Let me handle him.”
That’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t want him to be beat into submission into caring about me.
After lunch, I drive the truck back down to Annie’s before heading to barn number three. When I reach there, I find Zoey sitting on the ground cross legged reading the third book in the Heartland series.
“Hey, Zoey. Are you here for the weekend?”
She dogears her page and closes the book before lifting her watery gaze.
“What’s wrong?” I crouch on the ground, sitting next to her. It’s not until I hear the faint yelling from the rescue barn. Derek and another female voice I don’t recognize.
“My mom wants to move to California with me.”
Frowning, I wrap my arm around her and pull her close.
“Oh…”
“She’s the worst human being on the planet. She doesn’t care about me or Dad. She always does whatever she wants to do, and I’m stuck wishing for a different life.”
My heart squeezes. I’ve been there.
“What’s in California?”
She shrugs and sniffs. “She says it’s a job, but I don’t care. I like it here and I want to stay.”
Derek’s voice raises decibels louder, and suddenly the woman’s voice gets shaky and shrieky.
“So, what do you think of the Heartland series so far?”
She wipes the tears from her eyes and leans her head against the stall door. “I love it. Thanks for letting me borrow your collection. I’ll be nice to it, I promise.”
“I have no doubts you will. Want to help me groom Coley?”
“Thank you, but I think I’ll just watch. I’m in the middle of a good scene and I don’t want to put it down yet.”
We scramble from our spot on the ground, and I set up my phone to the docking station and put on some rock playlist to drown out the yelling and screaming. While Zoey settles into the lawn chair close by, I get Coley out of her stall and bring her to the cross ties.
This is sort of my routine nowadays. I can’t ride anymore because it’s dangerous, but the monotony allows my mind to settle. Coley is typically a pasture horse, so she’s perpetually dirty. I would give her a bath but I’m not feeling it right now. So I curry-comb and brush out her coat and detangle the knots in her tail. I pick out the compacted dirt in her feet.
When I reach for the fly spray, two figures storm down the aisle of the barn. I brace myself for the rest of the shouting match, but all I’m met with is Derek and Emily approaching Zoey gently.
Emily looks familiar. Her blonde hair is styled chic, just like the Hunts. Maybe they’re friends. She glances over her shoulder to me and narrows her eyes. Instead of engaging, I shut my trap and spray Coley down.
“Zo, I know you don’t want to leave Sage Creek. But you can’t scream at your mom when you don’t get your way.”
My heart grinds to a halt and instinctively, my gaze moves to Zoey. She glares at her mother while Derek crouches down to meet her eye level.
“I’ll run away,” Zoey murmurs, her eyes watering and voice cracking. “If you take me to California, I will run away any chance I get. I don’t want to go with you. Let me stay with Dad.”
This is none of my business. But I literally can’t leave. I’m trapped.
“You’re my baby, Zoey. I want to bring you with me…”
“I don’t want to go with you!” Zoey shouts.
Derek clears his throat. “This isn’t going anywhere.” His clipped tone is directed to his ex-wife. “I told you this would happen.”
Emily rolls her eyes.
“Excuse me, but do you have anywhere else you need to be?” Emily demands. I awkwardly glance over to the little pow wow and grimace.
“I’m sorry. I’m landlocked at the moment—”
“Go away!” she shouts.
“Emily, don’t talk to her like that.”
Now I know I’m not interrupting anything, I slip under the cross ties and make a bee line for the feed room. At least I can hide out there until this shit show hits the road.
I don’t like conflict, especially when it involves my little best friend. I want to save her from this, to take her mind off of California.
Fifteen minutes later, a car door slams and the grinding against the gravel towards the exit of the property is heard. I take a deep, cleansing breath, and Derek appears in the feed room.
He leans against the door frame with his hands shoved in his pockets and his lips pressed in a hard line.
“I’m sorry you had to hear all of that. As you can see, she isn’t the easiest person to deal with.”
“Ah. No problem. Sorry I was eavesdropping.” I hop off the bale of hay I made myself comfortable on and head for the door. Derek loosely grabs my wrist before I move any further.
“I don’t think we gave you much of a choice.”
I gently take my wrist back and shrug.
“No worries, honestly. It was none of my business.” I attempt to walk back to Coley again when Derek grabs my wrist again. My heart races a mile a minute at his warm touch. But not necessarily in a bad way. I’ve gotten used to his touch. It’s never out of a malicious place.
“Don’t you want to ask what it was all about?”
Yes.
“Honestly, it’s your business. I’m sorry Zoey is sad. I tried to get her to help me groom Coley, but she wasn’t interested.”
“Ace.”
I close my eyes at the nickname he uses for me.
“Dr. Hawthorn.”
He smirks. “Remember when I said you should talk to someone?”
I roll my eyes and nod. Of course I do.
“And I have been.” The smile is wiped clean from his face. “Her name is Dr. Nelson and she’s a great psychologist. I believe all of my mental health needs are being met.”
“And what about your social needs?”
“Well, I had a nice conversation with Zoey when I got here, so…”
He scoffs. “We’re supposed to see the International Space Station in our skyline tonight. I was going to take Zoey out on the front steps of our porch tonight…would you like to join us?”
For a man who claims he couldn’t ever be with a woman because of the alleged fake love she’d have for his daughter, he sure invites me over to their date nights a lot.
“Sure. But I’m not sure I’ll be great company because I’m exhausted. But I’d like to see it.”
“Great. We’ll see you at ten, then.”
18
ARIA
23 weeks pregnant…
At nine forty-five, I slip on a pair of flip flops and head over to Derek’s house. They both are already on the front porch steps staring into the sky when I arrive. Zoey beams at my arrival and Derek slyly pats the space next to him for me to sit down.
“I’ve been researching astronauts since we got in earlier,” Zoey informs me. “I know how they eat, how they wash their hair. I even found a YouTube channel where they read books to students!”
“You had a busy afternoon,” I reply, creating as much space as I can between Derek and me.
“I did. And then I helped dad make dinner. We had baked ziti. What did you have?”
“Well, Annie can’t cook to save her life, so it was up to me tonight. I made some beef stew. It’s too hot outside to eat it, but that’s what I was craving.”
Zoey grins and turns her attention to the sky.
“Hey, Ace,” he greets warmly.
“Hi, Dr. Hawthorn.”
He chuckles and rolls his eyes. Yep. He sees right through me.
“I’m glad you decided to join us. We don’t get to see this often, but there was an alert on the news this morning and I didn’t want to miss i
t.”
“Well, thanks for inviting me. I was going to sit in front of the TV tonight binging Cheers. This sounds like a lot more fun.”
“I think so too. Dad insisted I give the books a rest for tonight.”
“Good thing too, right? How often do you get to see the International Space Station?”
Zoey shrugs carelessly and leans up against the banister.
“I don’t know. But how often do you get to check books off your bucket list?”
Derek groans.
“We have vastly different bucket lists, Zo. My bucket list is pretty empty at the moment.”
So is mine.
“Boring!”
The night sky is a sight to behold in this little corner of the property. There aren’t any streetlights, save for the two that light our street, so the blanket of stars is vibrant and majestic. In Chicago, I dreamed about these nights. I dreamed of the prospect of coming back home and living in my element.
“What are you thinking about?” Zoey asks.
“Oh, I was thinking how much I missed this sky when I was living in Chicago.”
Zoey scrunches her nose.
“Um…it’s the same sky everywhere…”
Giggling, I shake my head. “In Chicago, the city is lit up so bright at night you can’t see the stars. Even from the balcony I couldn’t see one. But here…there’s something different about the sky here.”
“When we were in Afghanistan, the sky was similar. We were in the desert, so the stars were always on display at night. For some reason, I got a strange comfort out of it.”
“Do you miss the Navy?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Sometimes. I miss the camaraderie. I miss how easy it was.” At my quizzical brow, he continues, “The military is only hard if you make it hard. They tell you what to do, you do it. You show up for duty. You show up on field days. You deploy with your brothers and sisters and keep them safe. Civilian life, it’s hard to find your place. I got lucky and was able to take over for Dr. Karver. But, if I had the choice to go back in right this minute, I wouldn’t.”
He meets Zoey’s wide-eyed gaze and smiles.
“You’re my life, kiddo. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to be away from you for months on end.”
“JJ says the same thing. He’s found his calling, I think. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was a lifer because of those same reasons.”
“Hey, a lot of men do. I know Jay. He’s a great marine—a great leader. I know he’ll be fine.”
I hope so. It doesn’t stop me from missing him so much.
“But this is nice. I was lucky to find your family. They gave me a place to live, patients to work on, and a family to depend on.”
My mind races to my father and it makes my heart squeeze. I can always count on him, but I think I royally fucked it up this time.
“Yeah…you’re not the first person to tell me that today.”
“You have a lot on your mind, Ace?”
“A lot,” I reply sadly. “I wonder if it’ll be like this forever. Will I be plagued by the past? Will I be able to put this behind me? On first instinct, my answers are: yes, it will be like this forever. Yes, I will always be plagued by the past, and no, I won’t be able to put it behind me.”
“I had a brother in the Corps. Not biologically, of course, but after he got out, he suffered from major PTSD. He had the whole nine yards, the night terrors, the intrusive thoughts, insomnia, mild hallucinations…it wasn’t an easy transition. In fact, it took him a few years before he started to feel even the littlest bit normal. Don’t sell yourself short, Ace. Healing is a part of life, yes, but it isn’t a fast process.”
I take comfort in the fact that even though our PTSD is different, there isn’t a set timeline for everyone. Everyone is different. Every trauma is different.
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right. I’m the world’s most impatient person. I thought I’d see results by now. I’m an instant gratification kind of girl.”
He shrugs thoughtfully.
“Two months ago, you wouldn’t have sat on the front porch with us searching for a mysterious space station. I’d call that progress.”
“Do you think we could ever visit NASA?” Zoey asks.
“Maybe one day. That would be fun, wouldn’t it? We could buy some astronaut ice cream.”
Zoey’s face lights up and she squeals with delight. Oh to be ten again. I get excited about any form of ice cream too.
“So Miss Aria, you like to cook right? What’s your favorite thing to cook?”
“Hmm. I like to cook a lot of things. But I do love making chicken fried rice. It’s cheap, it’s easy, and it’s fast. I don’t mean to brag, but mine is better than take out. What about you, Zo? What’s your favorite food to cook?”
“I’m not great at cooking, but I love to bake. Dad says I make great cheesecake.”
Derek grins and closes his eyes in bliss.
“She sure does. But I’m also a sucker for cheesecake. Especially made by my favorite girl.”
Zoey grins and giggles.
Derek’s phone goes off with the alert tone. We meander off the front porch and wait. Suddenly, we see a streak in the sky, almost like it could be a shooting star. Zoey gasps in pure astonishment and for some odd reason, my eyes well up with tears.
Something so far away, so mysterious can peer down on this planet we live in. And my problems must be so insignificant to them.
“Are you crying, Ace?”
“No!” I whimper and turn away.
Chuckling he spins me around and pulls me closer to him. I breathe in his herby scent. His arm snakes around my waist, but his eyes still are trained on the sky. My head rests on his chest while I compose myself. My arm curls around his stomach and I nearly die of embarrassment. I’ve never seen him without a shirt, but I can tell he doesn’t skip the gym. Ever. He’s hard. Not down there. But like, his stomach is hard.
“That was so cool!” Zoey exclaims.
“It sure was! Holy cow, we’re going to need to make this a tradition, eh, Zo?”
“Yes! Can you sign up for alerts? I want to see it again!”
I awkwardly part from him and regain my composure. His gaze follows me with an unreadable expression. Like I’ve insulted him by stepping away, and longing; like he wants me to come back.
I can’t do this.
I just got out of a relationship!
I’m pregnant!
“All right babe, head inside and start getting ready for bed. I’ll be in in a minute.”
Zoey gives me a hug goodnight and trots up the steps, closing the door behind her.
“Did I make you uncomfortable? I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. That’s my natural response if Zoey’s crying—”
“No, you didn’t make me uncomfortable. I don’t think.” I weakly smile. “You surprised me. I wasn’t prepared for it.”
“There’s a thing we learned when Zoey was born. Skin to skin contact. There have been developments in the medical field that hugging or holding hands releases oxytocin which is the cuddle hormone. It helps build bonds and trust.”
“Do you do this with all the girls?”
He barks out a laugh and leads me back to the porch.
“No. I don’t do cuddling. It’s unnecessary, especially because I’m not looking to build bonds. I lost myself for a minute tonight, Ace. I don’t typically do things like this. But I was in the moment, and you were crying…”
Oh my god.
“I’m not a crier. I usually have my emotions on lock.” Except now I’m pregnant and my hormones have a mind of their own. It’s unfair and cruel.
“Creepy space objects will do that.”
I laugh. For the first time in forever, I laugh without a care in the world.
“Well, thank you again for inviting me over tonight. It was a lot of fun. Tell Zoey I said goodnight.”
I turn to walk away.
“Aria?”
“Hmm?” I ask, stopping without tur
ning around.
Silence greets me. And now I’m wondering if he’s being held at gunpoint. I slowly turn around and find him staring at me. Staring at me like I’m the finest steak in the country.
“Goodnight.”
Shit.
“Goodnight, Derek. See you tomorrow.”
19
DEREK
My fight with Emily could be heard from barns away from where we were. And when Aria McKenzie is literally trapped in the middle of it, I can’t help but be embarrassed about my lack of control on my temper. Emily knows which buttons to press and she’s fucking great at it.
Logan has assured me he thinks he can get me full custody. But this visit from her today has me feeling annoyed and vengeful. She tried to sweeten the pot by giving me every holiday.
The answer is hell no. And I’m not moving to California just because Emily is bored in this town. I already fucking moved here for her.
I wasn’t lying when I saw the ISS would be visible on the news. It was the only reprieve from Emily that would distract the both of us. But, Aria was in the right place, the right time. I’m fucking pumped she agreed to watch it with us.
I replay the moment I pulled her into me and held her in my arms. I was hyperaware of how her body felt. She didn’t even tense up. That alone should have me running as far away from her as possible, but I can’t help but want to be around her. She’s mean and sarcastic. In fact, I don’t even know when she’s being serious.
At five o’clock, instead of going on my run, I slip into Nate’s house for a briefing. When I enter the foyer, a recording is heard from the dining room. A voice I recognize so well now, only with a shaky timber punches me in the gut because she’s scared.
“Charlie! Please—I’m sorry! I love you so much, I’m sorry! It won’t ever happen again!”
I hear him snicker darkly.
“She wasn’t a good listener either. Let’s review expectations again, shall we?”
“Charlie, please!”
“List the rules, Aria.”
When I reach the dining room, Nate quickly pauses the recording and whips his head up to me.
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