Berry and Co.

by Dornford Yates

  CHAPTER IV

  HOW NOBBY CAME TO SLEEP UPON MY BED, AND BERRY FELL AMONG THIEVES.

  Thoughtfully I read the letter again.

  _... It nearly breaks my heart to say so, but I've got to part withNobby. I'm going to India to join Richard, you know, and I'm sailingnext week. I think you'd get on together. He's a one-man dog and a bitqueer-tempered with strangers--all Sealyhams are. But he's a good littlechap--very sporting, very healthy, and a real beauty. Let me know oneway or the other, and, if you'd like to have him, I'll send him roundwith his licence and pedigree._

  _Yours very sincerely,_

  _JOSEPHINE CHILDE._

  _P.S.--He's always slept on my bed._

  The letter had been forwarded to me from London, for I was spending theweek-end in Leicestershire with the Scarlets.

  I looked across the flagged hall to my host, who was leaning against atable with a hunting horn in each hand, listening critically to thenoise he was making, and endeavouring to decide upon which of the twoinstruments he could wind the most inspiring call.

  "Live and let live," said I. With a grin Bertram suspended hisoperations. "Listen. I've been offered a Sealyham."

  "Take him," was the reply. "Your guests will regret it, but you won't.They're high-spirited and they're always full of beans. Hard as nails,too," he added. "You'll never kill him. Tell me." He brandished the hornwhich he held in his right hand. "Don't you think this sounds the best?"With an effort he produced a most distressing sound. "Or this?" Puttingthe other to his lips, he emitted a precisely similar note.

  "There's no difference at all," said I, crossing to a bureau. "They'reequally painful. They do it rather better at level-crossings on theContinent."

  "It is patent," said Bertram, "that you have no ear for music."

  "All right," said I, making ready to write. "You try it. The hounds'llall sit up and beg or something. I suppose it's too much to expect tofind a pen that'll write here," I added, regarding uneasily the enormousquill with which the bureau was decorated.

  "That's a jolly good pen," said Bertram indignantly. "Every one saysso."

  I grunted my disbelief.

  "Which end shall I use?"

  "I recommend the right one," rejoined my host with ponderous sarcasm."But, as I have yet to meet any one who can read your writing, I don'tsuppose it matters."

  "I have often deplored the company you keep," said I, and with that Iselected a large sheet of paper and wrote as follows--

  _DEAR MISS CHILDE,_

  _I'd like to have Nobby very much. I'm awfully sorry for you, but I'llbe very kind to him for both your sakes. The reference you give him ismost satisfactory. I suppose he'll want one evening a week and everyother Sunday. And will he do in the front steps and spoil the knives? Oronly ruin the boots? I beg your pardon. For the moment I was thinking ofthe cook who nearly engaged us. Only she wanted a pension after sixmonths' service. It was very nice of you to think of me. I'll write youa proper letter when I send you a receipt. I return to Town to-morrow._

  _Yours very sincerely,_

  ....

  _P.S.--He shall always sleep on mine._

  As I was addressing the envelope, the butler entered the hall. I gavehim the letter, and he promised to see that it was dispatched that day.A knowledge of Bertram's household suggested this precaution.

  * * * * *

  As I had told Miss Childe, on the following day I returned to Town. Itwas the last Monday but one before Christmas, and Jonah's birthday. Todo the latter honour, we were to dine all together at Claridge's and goon to an entertainment, presented in a house in which smoking waspermitted, and of such a nature that you gained rather than lost byarriving late.

  I reached home with sufficient time only to bathe and dress, and it wasnot until we were half-way through dinner that I learned that my letterto Miss Childe had borne immediate fruit.

  "By the way," said Daphne suddenly; "did the servants give you thatmessage from Josephine Childe?" I shook my head. "It was down on thetelephone block, but I suppose you were too hurried to look at that.'Miss Childe's compliments, and Nobby will be round this evening.'"Hardly I suppressed an exclamation. "We're all mad to know what itmeans. Berry scents an intrigue and says it's a cipher."

  "Worse," said I. "It's a dog."

  "A dog?" cried Daphne and Jill together.

  "A dog. You know. A small quadruped. Something like a cat, only withhair."

  "I know," said Berry excitedly. "I know. I've seen pictures of them."

  "Fools. Both of you," said my sister. "What's she giving you a dog for?"

  I explained the nature of the transaction.

  "I have every reason to believe," I concluded, "that he will become oneof us."

  The others exchanged meaning looks.

  "Is he any particular breed?" said Berry. "Or just a pot-pourri?"

  I braced myself with a draught of champagne before replying. Then--

  "He's a Sealyham," I said.

  Uprose a damnatory chorus.

  "I do hereby protest," said Berry. "A barbarous breed, notorious for itsunprovoked ferocity. Peaceable possession of our tenement will beunknown. Ingress and egress will be denied us. Substantial compensationwill be an everyday affair. Any more for the Pasteur Institute?"

  "Rot," said I. "You're jealous."

  "They've awfully uncertain tempers," said Daphne. "Maisie Dukedom hadone, and it went down and bit a new cook, who'd just come, before she'dgot her things off. They had to give her five pounds, put her up at anhotel for the night, and pay her fare back to Bristol. And she hadwonderful references."

  "Instinct," said I. "The dog saw through her. They ought to have beengrateful."

  "Truth is," said Jonah, "they're a bit too sporting for London."

  "Look here," said I, consulting my watch. "At the present moment thepoor little dog is probably fretting his soul out in the servants' hall.So we'll have to keep him to-night. If he's the ravening beast you sayhe is, he shall be fired to-morrow. If not, I shall stick to him. That'sfair enough, isn't it?"

  "He's going to be a darling," said Jill. "I'm sure of it."

  Before we left for the theatre, I telephoned home and spoke to thebutler.

  "Is that you, Falcon?"

  "It is, sir."

  "Any dogs come for me?"

  "Only one, sir."

  "Is he all right?"

  "Seems a little unsettled, sir, and--er--suspicious. He was rather shortwith Fitch sir, when he come in, but he had his leggin's on, sir, sothere's no 'arm done. He's all right with me, sir."

  I thought of the Dukedoms' cook and moistened my lips.

  "See that he has a run on the lead before you go to bed," I said asnonchalantly as possible, "and then put him upstairs on my bed."

  "Very good, sir."

  I returned to the lounge.

  "Has the little bit of Heaven arrived?" said Berry

  I nodded.

  "Casualties?"

  "Nil," said I. "Everything in the garden is lovely."

  "No doubt," said Berry. "And the servants' hall? I suppose that's ashambles."

  "Don't be silly," said I. "He's as good as gold."

  "There you are," said Jill staunchly.

  "Cupboard love," said Berry. "You wait till we come in. I shouldn't besurprised if he concentrated on me. They always aim high. It will beyour duty," he added, turning to Daphne, "to suck the wound. That is awife's privilege."

  "The best thing," said Jonah, "is to hold a cigarette-end to the place."

  "I beg your pardon," said Berry.

  "Well, an iron takes such a time to heat."

  In a voice shaken with emotion my brother-in-law stated that he shouldregard any such treatment as a treacherous and aggravated assault uponhis person.

  "Don't let there be any mistake about it," he concluded. "I'm not goingto have any amateur life-savers burning holes in my body in the hope ofbeing recommended by the Coroner's Jury. If I've got to die, I'll justgo m
ad in the ordinary way, thank you. I wonder who I shall bite first,"he added pleasantly.

  "Don't you worry," said I. "Think what hydrophobia means."

  "What does it mean?"--suspiciously.

  "A horror of water," said I. "You must have had it for years."

  * * * * *

  We left the theatre about eleven o'clock.

  We had just come in, and I was disrobing in the hall--Berry was speakingto the chauffeur--when an exclamation from Jill, who was on the point offollowing Daphne and Jonah into the library, made me look round.

  On the top step of the first flight of stairs stood a little white dog,regarding us squarely. He might have been painted by Maud Earl. His earswere pricked, his little forefeet placed close together, his tail wasupright. A gas officer would have said that he was "in the alertposition."

  "Hello, Nobby," said I. "How goes it?"

  At the sound of his name the terrier put his small head on one side withan air of curiosity as evident as it was attractive.

  "What a darling!" cried Jill.

  As she spoke I heard a latch-key inserted, and the next moment Berrypushed open the door.

  Breathing out threatenings, the darling streaked down the stairs andacross the hall to the new-comer's feet, where he stood with his backarched, one fore-paw raised, and bared teeth, emitting a long low snarl,while there was a look in the bright brown eyes which there was nomistaking.

  My brother-in-law stood as if rooted to the spot.

  Jill began to shake with laughter.

  "What did I say?" said Berry, remaining motionless. "Can't enter my ownhouse now. It's all right, old chap," he added, gazing at Nobby with awinning smile. "I belong here."

  His statement was not accepted. Nobby, who was clearly taking no risks,replied with a growl charged with such malevolence that I thought itadvisable to interfere.

  I addressed myself to the terrier.

  "Good man," I said reassuringly, patting Berry upon the shoulder.

  Jonah contends that the dog construed my movement as an attemptedassault, which it was his duty to abet. In any event, in less time thanit takes to record, the growl culminated in that vicious flurry whichinvariably accompanies the closing of jaws, there was a noise of torncloth, and with a yell Berry leapt for and reached the bookcase to whichhe adhered, clinging rather than perched, after the manner of a startledape.

  A roar of laughter from me and long, tremulous wails of merriment fromJill brought my sister and Jonah pellmell upon a never-to-be-forgottenscene.

  The four of us huddled together, helpless with mirth, while Berry,calling upon Sirius, clung desperately to the bookcase, and Nobby,clearly interpreting our merriment as applause, stood immediately belowhis victim, panting a little with excitement and wagging his tailtentatively.

  "After all," said my brother-in-law, "what is Death? A b-b-bagatelle.Excelsior. Of course, I ought to have a banner, really. Just to wave asI fall. Two and a half guineas these trousers cost. Think of the dogsyou could get for that. Excelsior. Seriously, I should get him a set offalse teeth and keep them locked up. It'll save in the end. Yes, I knowit's side-splitting. I'm only sorry I haven't got a tail. Then I couldhang from the electric light. As it is, what about calling off the dog?Not that I'm not comfortable. And the air up here's lovely. But----"

  With an effort I pulled myself together and laid a hand on Jill'sshoulder.

  "Here," I said, nodding in Berry's direction, "here we have theFlat-footed Baboon, an animal of diverting but vulgar habits. Thatbetween its eyes is its nose. The only other known specimen is atDartmoor."

  "D'you mind not talking?" said Berry. "I'm just thinking out your death.They say pressing is very painful. Or would you rather call off themammal?"

  I picked up Nobby and put him under my arm.

  "You know, you're a wicked dog," said I.

  For a moment his bright brown eyes met mine. Then with a sudden movementhe put up a cold black nose and licked my face....

  Before we retired that night, Berry had admitted that Nobby had hispoints, Nobby had accepted from Berry a caviare sandwich, and I hadhanded my brother-in-law a cheque for two pounds twelve shillings andsixpence.

  * * * * *

  It had been arranged that we should spend Christmas with the St. Martinsin Wiltshire, and we were to make the journey on the twenty-third. Highfestival was to be held at Red Abbey, a fine old place with mullionedwindows and a great panelled hall that smacked of revelry and Christmascheer even in summertime. On Christmas Eve there was to be a dance, onBoxing Day a tenants' ball, and on Christmas Day itself the house-partyof twenty souls was to assemble for dinner correctly attired after themanner of children of tender years.

  So far as clothes could do it, the spirit of childhood was to berecaptured that night. Guests had been put upon their honour to eschewevasion. Kilts and sailor suits had been forbidden, as was any suit orfrock which was not the monopoly of juveniles. Hair was to be worn down,monocles and jewellery were banned. The trappings of Dignity were to berigidly put off, and Innocence courted with appropriate mockery. Thecomposition of the house-party, which had been carefully chosen,promised an entertainment of more than ordinary interest.

  On all three evenings dance music was to be discoursed by a famouscoloured band, whose services had long ago been retained for theoccasion.

  A long-standing engagement made it impossible for Berry to accompany usfrom London. On Tuesday he must leave Town for Hampshire, buttime-tables were consulted, and it was discovered that he could travelacross country on Christmas Eve, and, by changing from one station tothe other at the market town of Flail, arrive at Red Abbey in time fortea.

  "We can take your luggage with us," said Daphne. "You've got all you'llwant for the night at White Ladies."

  It was half-past nine o'clock, and we were all in the library, restingafter the labours of the day.

  Berry from the depths of the sofa grunted an assent.

  "All the same," he added, "I must take something. Beard-eraser, forinstance, and a clean neckerchief. Same as when you enlist."

  "Everything you can possibly want's there already. Mrs. Foreland knowsyou're coming, and she'll put everything out."

  "I have a weakness," replied her husband, "for my own sponge. Moreover,foolhardy as it may seem, I still clean my teeth. The only question is,what to put them in."

  "What's the matter with your pockets?" said I.

  "Nothing at present," said Berry. "That's why I shall want yourdispatch-case."

  "Nothing doing," said I. "I refuse to subscribe to my owninconvenience."

  "Self," said Berry bitterly. "Why wasn't I born selfish? I've oftentried, but you can't bend an oak, can you? Anybody can have my shirt atany time." Languidly he regarded his cuff. "No. Not this one, but almostany other. My life has been one long unrecognized sacrifice. And what ismy reward?" He looked round about him with pitying eyes. "Poor bloatedworms, you little know the angel that labours in your midst." His ownbeing finished, with a sigh he took his wife's newly-lighted cigarettefrom the ashtray which they were sharing. "I had a dream last night," headded comfortably.

  "What about?" said Jill.

  "I dreamed," said Berry, "that I was a pint of of unusually broad beans.Several people remarked upon my breadth. After spirited bidding, I wassecured by no less a personage than The McAroon himself, to whom I gaveviolent indigestion within twenty-four hours. Pleased with thisattention, the laird erected in my memory a small bar at which therankest poison could be obtained at all hours by asking in Hebrew forginger ale. Which reminds me. I haven't taken my medicine." Meaningly heregarded the tray which had just been placed upon a side-table. "Thedoctor said I mustn't move about after meals, or I'd mix it myself. Asit is...."

  He broke off and looked round expectantly.

  "Idle brute," said Daphne. "I wonder you aren't afraid to----Where's mycigarette? I only lighted one a moment ago."

  "Perhaps it's behind your ear
," suggested her husband. "Perhaps----"

  "Where's the match you lighted that one from?" demanded his wife.

  "Woman," said Berry indignantly, "you forget yourself. Besides, I didn'tuse a match. I kindled it by rubbing two sticks together. Same as theydo in Guano, where the jelly comes from."

  Here a diversion was caused by the opening of the door sufficiently toadmit a slightly damp white ball with a black spot, which projecteditself into the room as if possessed. Nobby. Exhilarated to frenzy bythe reflection that at least four days must elapse before any one couldbe bothered to bathe him again, the terrier took a flying leap on to thesofa, licked Daphne's face, put a foot in Berry's eye, barked, hurledhimself across the room to where Jonah was playing Patience, upset thecard-table, dashed three times round the room, pretended to unearth arat from the depths of Jill's chair, and finally flung himself exhaustedat my feet.

  "I suppose this is what they call 'animal spirits,'" said Berry. "Or'muscular Christianity.'"

  "It is well known," said I, "that exercise after a bath is mostbeneficial."

  "No doubt," was the icy reply. "Well, next time I put my foot in youreye, assume that I've had a bath and call it 'exercise,' will you?"

  "Have you written to the St. Martins?" said Daphne, "to say that you'llbe a day late?"

  "I have. The masterpiece is on the writing-table, awaiting insertion inan envelope."

  I picked up the letter and read aloud as follows--

  _MADAM,_

  _I am disposed to refer to your invitation to make one of thehouse-party due to assemble on the 23rd instant._

  _I am to say that a malignant Fate has decreed that I shall not dignifyyour hovel before the evening of the following day._

  _The feeling of profound disappointment which this announcement willprovoke should be tempered by the reflection that you are fortunateindeed to have secured so enchanting a personality for your festivities,which, however hopeless they may appear, cannot fail to be galvanizedinto some show of life by my inspiring presence._

  _My luggage and the four ungrateful parasites who have so long battenedupon my generosity will arrive on the 23rd, as arranged. One of thelatter has stealthily acquired a mongrel, which, provided he can obtainthe necessary permit, he proposes to bring with him. My protests againstthis abuse of hospitality have been received with that vulgar insolencewhich I have, alas, learned to expect._

  _I am to request you to remember that I am visiting you incognito, asthe Duke of Blackpool, and that at this season it is my practice toconsume a mince-pie and a bottle of beer before retiring._

  _I am, Madam,_

  _Your obedient Servant,_

  _BERRY PLEYDELL._

  "Outrageous," said Daphne, "perfectly outrageous. However, there's notime to write another, so it had better go. Boy, be a dear and answerthat invitation for me."

  "This lecture thing?" said I, holding up a gilt-edged card.

  My sister nodded.

  "We'll have to go, I suppose."

  In a flowing hand I wrote as follows--

  _Major and Mrs. Pleydell have much pleasure in accepting the Countess ofLoganberry's kind invitation to attend Professor La Trobe's lecture onthe 3rd of January._

  When I had read this aloud--

  "What an interesting subject!" said Berry. "We shall enjoy ourselves."

  * * * * *

  Three days later I was in the act of fitting a new blade to mysafety-razor, when Berry entered the room fully dressed.

  "I'm just off," he said, "but you may as well see what you've donebefore I go."

  "What d'you mean?" said I.

  "Read that."

  He handed me a letter. I laid down my instrument of torture and read asfollows--

  _SIR,_

  _I am directed by the Countess of Loganberry to acknowledge yourcommunication of the 20th inst., and to say that she cannot recollectthe inclusion of your name among those of the guests invited to assembleat Pride Langley the day after to-morrow._

  _In these circumstances I am to express the hope that you will nottrouble to favour her with your attendance upon the 24th inst. or anyother date, and that you will take immediate steps to prevent thedispatch of your luggage and of the four parasites, for which, shouldthey arrive, she can accept no responsibility._

  _I am to add that the Countess is not interested in the acquisition ofthe animal to which you refer, or in the nature of the victuals withwhich it is your habit to console yourself of nights._

  _I am, sir,_

  _Your obedient servant,_

  _FREDERICK BOLETON._

  I stroked my chin thoughtfully. Then--

  "I don't want to say anything rash," said I, "but it looks as if amistake had been made."

  "But what a brain!" observed my brother-in-law. "What insight!" Heglanced at his watch. "And it's not half-past nine yet."

  "It is wonderful, isn't it? Now, all we want is a line from Diana St.Martin to say how glad she is you're going to the lecture on January the3rd. Do you agree, brother?"

  "I am not here," said Berry loftily, "to discuss your crime. Have youanything to say why the Court should not give you judgment?"

  "Yes. First, this communication must be answered forthwith. Secondly,Mr. Boleton is clearly a menace to Society. It is therefore our painfulduty, brother, to proceed with the operation, inadvertently begun, ofpulling his leg until he will require a pair of field glasses to see hisown foot."

  With a grin Berry clapped me on the back.

  "I leave it to you, partner. Make the telegram windy. Wind alwaysinspires wind." He took the letter out of my hand and slipped it intohis pocket. "You won't want this document. And now I must be going. Seeyou to-morrow, laddie."

  The next moment he was gone.

  Within the hour the following telegram was on its way to Pride Langley--

  _Your letter not understood aaa cannot consent to cancel my arrangementsat this hour aaa expect me tomorrow as arranged aaa four tons of luggageentrained last night aaa loose-boxes containing parasites due to arriveat 5.15 to-day aaa imperative these should be watered and fed within onehour of arrival aaa acknowledge._

  * * * * *

  Although the train had yet to make its appearance, the platform wascrowded. Somewhere at the far end Jonah was waiting to see that ourheavy baggage was placed in the van, while Daphne, Jill and I werestanding beside such articles as we were proposing to take in thecarriage, hoping feverishly that, when the train pulled in, we shouldfind ourselves opposite to a first-class coach.

  "Thath a nithe dog," said an unpleasant voice on my left.

  I turned to see a very dark gentleman, clad in a light tweed overcoatand cloth-topped boots, with a soft grey hat on the back of his head,smoking an insanitary cigar and smiling unctuously upon Nobby, who wastucked under my arm.

  "Yes," I said.

  "A Thealyham, ain't he?"

  "I believe so."

  Undeterred by my evident reluctance to converse, the fellow bowed hishead as if to examine the dog, at the same time expelling a cloud ofdisgusting smoke.

  In the twinkling of an eye the terrier had sneezed, wriggled from undermy arm, and slipped to the ground.

  I was just in time to see him scuttle in the direction of a crate oflive turkeys which he had vainly struggled to approach when we passedthem a few minutes earlier.

  Suppressing a violent desire to choke his assailant, I thrust the rug Iwas carrying into Jill's arms, and started to elbow my way towards theturkeys.

  A sudden stutter of barks, a fearful burst of gobbling, and a chorus ofindignant cries suggested that the sooner I arrived to take charge, thebetter for all concerned.

  As I pushed forward, the press swayed expectantly towards the edge ofthe platform, and I glanced round to see the train pulling in.

  Thereafter my passage to the scene of the uproar was Homeric. Every stepwas contested, not actively, but with that jealous determination not toyield which distinguishes
the prospective traveller who has bought anexpensive ticket and, by no means certain that the supply of seats willbe equal to the demand, interprets every movement as an attempt tosecure an unfair advantage. I eventually arrived to find in progress agame which I prefer not to describe. Suffice it that, though Nobby wasleading, two inspectors and a clergyman with an umbrella were runninghim pretty close, while the turkeys were simply nowhere.

  With a well-timed dive I secured the terrier just as he evaded a lefthook from the Church, and, disregarding the loud tones in which severalintending passengers announced their conception of the qualifications ofa dog-owner, fought my way back to where I had left the girls. The factthat the latter had managed to reserve and hold four seats did them, tomy mind, infinite credit.

  It was not until we were gliding out of the station that I looked roundfor my dispatch-case.

  I did so in vain.

  An investigation of the spaces between the seats and the floor provedequally fruitless.

  I sank back in my seat with a groan.

  "Where did you see it last?" said Daphne.

  "I'm hanged if I know, but of course it was with the other things. I putit in the hall last night, and Falcon knows I always take it wherever Igo."

  "I'll swear nothing was left on the platform," said Jill.

  "Nor in the car," said Jonah. "I looked there myself."

  "I've not the slightest doubt it's been pinched," said I. "It's just thesort of thing that'd take a thief's fancy. By Jove!" I cried suddenly."What about the swab in the light coat? I'll bet any money he took it."

  "What swab?" said Jonah.

  "Oh, a complete mobsman. Came and jawed about Nobby and then gassed himwith his cigar till he did a bunk. That put me out of the way. With thegirls trying to get a carriage, the rest was easy. Gad I Why doesn't onethink of these things? It's locked, and there's nothing terriblyvaluable in it, but I do hate being stung."

  "First stop Flail," said Jonah, looking at his watch. "You've got thebest part of two hours to think it over. I should write out a synopsisof the crime in duplicate, with a description of the missingproperty----"

  "And a plan of the station, I suppose, showing the all-red route I tookto the crate of turkeys, with a signed photograph of Nobby. I've onlygot to attach my birth certificate, and there you are."

  "Gentleman seems annoyed," said Jonah, unfolding the _Pall Mall_.

  Jill laid a hand on my arm, and I laughed in spite of myself.

  "He'll be fed to the teeth when he gets it open," I said. "I admit thecigars are not what he's accustomed to, but I'd like to meet the fencethat'll take a nainsook pinafore and a couple of bibs."

  This comfortable reflection in some sort consoled me. All the same, whenwe steamed into Flail I sent for the station-master and handed thatgentleman two short descriptions--one of the dispatch-case, and theother of the thief. He promised readily to keep a look-out and informthe police.

  "An' I'll telephone down the line, sir. You never know. He might be onthe train, or even 'ave got out 'ere." I made as if to leave thecompartment. "Ah, he'd be gone by now, an' you're just off. But I'll dowhat I can. Your address, Red Abbey. Very good, sir."

  * * * * *

  Diana St. Martin was at the station to meet us, in a fever of excitementand good-will. Her obvious disappointment at Berry's absence was allayedby our assurance that he would appear the next day.

  "Of course," she announced, "I was thrilled to learn that you were goingto the Loganberrys' lecture, but I couldn't help feeling that there wassome news, more relevant to your visit, which I ought to know. Hullo! Ishe going to honour us?" she added, pointing to Nobby, who, with tailerect and eyes looking sideways, was considering whether or no to acceptthe advances of an Irish terrier in the spirit in which they werepatently offered. "What a darling!"

  "If you please," said I.

  "Splendid. And now come along. We can all get In the limousine, andthere's a van for your luggage."

  During the drive from the station I told her the style of the letter sheshould have received, and disclosed the grave construction placed uponit by the actual recipient. When I told her that Mr. Boleton and I werenow in telegraphic communication, she gave a little crow of delight.

  "How priceless!" she cried. "Perhaps there'll be a wire when we getback."

  She was wrong. But only by a few minutes. Before we had been at RedAbbey for a quarter of an hour, a telegram was handed to me. Falcon hadforwarded it from London.

  _Forced to regard your conduct as molestful delivery of your luggagewill not be accepted parasites will remain boxed and receive necessaryattention at your expense and risk pending instructions regarding theirremoval which should be communicated to station-master direct anyattempt on your part to enter Pride Langley to-morrow will be forciblyresisted._

  At once I arranged for the dispatch of the following reply--

  _At great inconvenience have arranged to postpone arrival of luggage andparasites until to-morrow aaa impossible however to stop elephants sevenof which should reach you by road before midnight and remainder by 2a.m. aaa as already slated am unable at this juncture to cancel my visitbut shall certainly never stay at Pride Langley again aaa if "molestful"means what I think it does I shall point you out to the large parasite._

  We spent a hilarious evening.

  The Irish terrier showed Nobby that hospitality for which the Isle isfamous. He made him free of the house and grounds, showed him the way tothe kitchen, and indicated by occupation the most comfortable chairs.Nobby returned the compliment by initiating his host into the mysteriesof a game which consisted of making a circuit of the great hall,ascending the main staircase, entering and erupting from any bedroom ofwhich the door stood open, and descending the staircase--all of thisrecurring--with the least possible delay. The Irish terrier proved anapt pupil, and, so far as can be judged, if Diana's maid had notencountered them in the midst of their seventh descent, and been upset,and of vexation nipped by an angry competitor for her pains, the gamemight have gone on for weeks. This incident, however, followed by theproduction of a hunting whip, brought the game to a close and the hostto his senses. Hastily he repaired a grave omission, and a moment laterNobby was cowering in comparative, if inconvenient, safety beneath anenormous tallboy chest.

  After dinner cards were brought forth and _vingt et un_ was played. In aweak moment I volunteered to "carry" Jill, who played with an _abandon_which was at once exhilarating and extremely expensive. Her persistentrefusal to "stand" on anything less than twenty-one commanded anadmiration which, but for my presence, would have been universal. Theonly run of luck with which her audacity was favoured coincided with mytenure of the bank, during which period she took fifty-two shillings offme in seven minutes.

  As I pushed her counters across--

  "I've heard of robbing Peter to pay Paul," I said gloomily, "but neverof robbing Charlie to pay Chaplin. Why couldn't you do this when someone else had the bank?"

  "You shouldn't deal me such cards," was the ungrateful reply.

  A moment later she turned up a "natural" with a dazzling smile.

  There was a roar of laughter.

  "Of course, this is Berry's luck," said I. "And it needs Berry's tongueto cope with it. A little more, and I shall ship for Australia beforethe mast. Yes, I'll have a brandy-and-soda, please. Of appropriatestrength."

  "In inverse proportion to your luck?" said my host.

  I shook my head.

  "That would require Berry's liver. Besides, tomorrow morning I'm goingto help your wife to decorate the church. I admit I was a fool topromise, but it's done now, and----"

  The chocolate which Diana threw at me ricochetted from my cheekbone onto the hearth, and was devoured by Nobby in the very teeth of his host.

  I looked at my watch with a sigh. "I suppose I ought to have told youthat chocolates fall without the limit of his digestive powers. The lastone took about four hours. And it's eleven now. I am glad I came."

&nb
sp; My statement was received with ironical cheers....

  It may or may not have been the chocolate, but in the small hours of thefollowing morning it became expedient that I should admit Nobby into theopen air. And so it came about that I stood patient and shivering, in afur coat and pyjamas, at a garden door, while a small white rough-hairedthing heaved upon the lawn twelve decent yards away.

  The sailing moon, clear-cut, issued her cold white light and showed thesleeping country silent but troubled A pride of clouds rode high inheaven, and the same strong careless wind that bore them swept from theleafless boughs of earth below a boisterous melody, that rose and fellin league-long phrases, far as the ear could follow. Nature was in aroyal mood. Her Cap of Maintenance was out, Pomp was abroad, the trumpof Circumstance was sounding. A frown of dignity knitted her gentlebrow, and meadows, roads, thickets and all her Court wore a staid lookto do her honour. Only her favourite, water, dared to smile, and theflashing lake flung back the moonlight with long ripples of silverylaughter.

  Somewhere close at hand an owl cried, and Nobby answered the challengewith a menacing bark. I whistled, and he came running, the veryembodiment of health and spirits. Marvelling at a dog's recuperativepowers, I reopened the door. As I did so, I heard the stable clockstriking. Three o'clock.

  * * * * *

  Twelve hours later a servant entered the library to arouse me from arefreshing sleep with the news that some one desired to speak with meupon the telephone. Heavily I made my way to the lobby and put thereceiver to my ear, but the first sentence I heard drove the lingeringrearguard of Slumber headlong from my system.

  It was an Inspector of Police, speaking from Flail.

  "I think we've got your case, sir. Pigskin, seventeen inches by ten, an'a blue line runnin' acrost it?"

  "That's right," I said excitedly.

  "An' it's still locked. No initials. But we'd like your formalidentification. Besides.... I don't know whether you could manage thisafternoon, sir, but if you could.... You see, it's a matter of a charge.We're detainin' a man in connection with the thef'."

  "Oh, I don't want to proceed. So long as I get the case back...."

  "'Fraid we can't 'ardly do that, sir."

  I groaned. Then--

  "How far is Red Abbey from Flail?"

  "Matter o' twelve mile, sir. Wouldn't take you no time in a car."

  "I'll see what I can do. Good-bye."

  Both cars were needed to meet incoming guests, but a Miss Doiran, whohad arrived that morning in her own two-seater, offered to drive me toFlail and back before tea.

  A quarter of an hour later we were on the road.

  She listened attentively to the story of my loss. When I had finished--

  "You'd little enough to go on, I must say. I'd never have dared to saythat man had stolen it."

  "It was a bow at a venture," I admitted. "But it seems to have come off.All the same, I don't want to charge the chap. He deserves six months,if only for his cigar, but I'd rather somebody else sent him down."

  "I expect they'll make you. After all, it was a pretty smart capture,and the police'll be fed to the teeth if you don't go through with it."

  "Considering it was stolen in London, I didn't see any sense in tellingthe police at Flail, but the station-master apparently knew his job."

  With a temporarily disengaged hand Miss Doiran caressed Nobby, who wasseated between us.

  "I've always wanted a Sealyham," she sighed.

  "You could have had one for nothing at three o'clock this morning."

  "Did he have you up?"

  I nodded.

  "And down and out." I sighed. "It was a handsome night. Very cold,though. I thought of you all warm in bed."

  "What a wicked story! You never knew of my existence."

  "I thought of everybody. That embraced you. It's extraordinary howlittle women can wear without dying of exposure, isn't it?"

  Miss Doiran glanced at her sleeve.

  "This coat is lined with chamois leather," she said. "I don't know whatmore you want."

  "Yes. But your stockings aren't. When you stepped into the car I wasquite frightened for you."

  My companion's chin rose, and she stared through the wind-screen withcompressed lips.

  "I'm as warm as toast," she said defiantly.

  "If you're no warmer than the toast I had for breakfast thismorning----"

  "You should get up earlier."

  "I thought I told you I was up and about at three."

  "That doesn't count."

  "Doesn't it? All right. You get up at three tomorrow and think of me allwarm in bed, and see whether it counts. By the way, don't say you wearpyjamas, because I can't bear it."

  Miss Doiran addressed our companion.

  "Is he often like this, Nobby?"

  I explained.

  "It's not idle curiosity. You see, I'm editing a directory to be called_That's That_. It's really a short list of the few nice people left whoaren't anybody: with just a word or two about their manners, failings,virtues, if any, and the attire they usually affect when off duty. Itwon't say when they were born, but why they were born."

  "That'll sell it," said Miss Doiran.

  "So you see. May I know now, or must I wait outside the bathroom?"

  "I'm afraid," said Miss Doiran, "that you must wait outside thebathroom."

  I sighed.

  "If it is pyjamas," said I, "I shall scream."

  Some geese hissed as we swept by. The noise was inaudible, but thehostility of their gesture was patent. Its effect upon Nobby waselectrical. Exasperated to madness by the gratuitous insult, he made themost violent attempts to leave the car, only pausing the better to liftup his voice and rave at his, by this time distant, tormentors. Hisdignity was outraged and, what was much worse, unavenged.

  "D'you still want him?" I shouted, holding fast to his collar with onehand, while with the other I strove to muffle his cries with the rug.

  "Every time."

  I swallowed before replying.

  "Of course, this is exceptional," I said weakly. "He can be very good ifhe likes."

  Miss Doiran laughed.

  "I believe you just dote on him."

  I lugged the white scrap out of the welter of rug and set him up on myknees. Surprised, he stopped barking and looked me full in the eyes.Then he thrust a cold nose into my face. Almost roughly I put him away.

  "I believe you're right," I said.

  Ten minutes later we drove up to Flail Police Station.

  I thrust Nobby under my arm and stepped out of the car. Then I turned tothe girl.

  "I'll be as quick as I can," I said.

  "Right oh!"

  Sure enough it was my dispatch-case. In some embarrassment I describedthe ridiculous contents. Then I produced the key and confirmed my ownwords.

  "I must say," I said, "you haven't wasted much time. How did you recoverit?"

  The inspector in charge looked grave.

  "'E's a nice little lot, what took this case, sir. I shouldn't wonder ifthere was 'alf a dozen warrants out for 'im. As plausible a rogue asever I see, an' as full o' swank as a negg is o' meat. Told us the taleproper, 'e did. One o' the kind as gets through by sheer nerve. Now,nine out o' ten'd 'ave bin through this 'ere case last night and throwedit away. But 'e's not that sort. Walks through the town this afternoonwith it under 'is arm, as bold as brass." A 'plain-clothes' man enteredand stood waiting. "All ready? Right." He turned again to me. "An' now,sir, we'll be obliged if you'll step into the yard and see if you seeanybody you recognize. I'd like the identification to be regular."

  Perceiving my chance of doing the thief a good turn, I assented readily.It was my fixed intention to recognize no one.

  I followed the policeman into a high-walled yard.

  Variously attired, six men were drawn up in line.

  "Do you see anybody you know?" repeated the inspector.

  I did. _Standing third from the left, with a seraphic look on his
face,was Berry._

  For a moment I stood spellbound. Then I began to laugh uncontrollably.

  "Go on, you fool," said Berry. "Indicate the felon. I admit it's one upto you, but I'll get my own back. You wait. Why, there's Kernobby." Theterrier slipped from under my arm and ran to where he stood. "Good dog.But I mustn't play with you till the gentleman in blue boxcloth says so.'Sides, I'm a giddy criminal, I am." He addressed my companion. "Willyou dismiss the parade, inspector? Or shall we do a little troop drill?"

  I turned to the bewildered officer.

  "It's all a mistake, inspector. This is my brother-in-law. He must haveborrowed the case without my knowledge. For goodness' sake, get thesemen away and we'll explain things."

  The inspector hesitated, but Nobby's frantic efforts to lick thesuspect's face settled the matter. Gruffly he acted upon my suggestion,and the little squad broke up.

  In the charge-room we satisfied him of the sincerity of our statementsand exonerated him from blame. To do the police justice, Berry wasdressed more or less in accordance with my hazy description of the"thief," and it was my dispatch-case. Courtesies were exchanged, Isigned a receipt for my property, and Berry, his effects restored, gavea poor devil, who was brought in to be charged with begging, enough toconsole the latter for his detention on Christmas Day.

  A moment later I was introducing him to Miss Doiran.

  "Thief and brother-in-law in one," I said. "A terrible combination."

  Berry took off his hat and put a hand to his head.

  "Whose reign is it?" he said dazedly. "When I entered the gaol it wasKing George."

  * * * * *

  With his back to the fire in Daphne's bedroom, Berry proceeded to clearthe air.

  "If any one of you four had a tenth of the instinct of a village idiot,it would have occurred to those diseased fungi which you call your mindsthat I had said I should want Boy's dispatch-case. But let that pass.

  "I was walking through Flail according to plan, and following thetram-lines according to the drivelling advice given me by an outsideporter with a suggestive nose. Need I say that before I had covered ahundred yards the lines branched? I was still praying for the soul of myinformant, when I observed that a large blue constable, who wasapparently lining the street, was staring at me as at an apparition.Courteously I gave him 'Good day.' In return he handed me a look which Ishall try to forget, and asked me how I came by the dispatch-case.

  "'_I_ didn't,' I said. 'I came by train.'

  "Noticing that he seemed piqued by my reply, I made haste to suggestthat we should repair to a neighbouring dairy and consume two smallglasses of butter milk and a sponge cake at my expense. Not to beoutdone in hospitality, he made a counter-proposal, which, after somehesitation, I thought it discreet to accept. Our progress through thestreets afforded the acme of gratification to the populace, most of whomaccompanied us with every circumstance of enthusiasm and delight.Altogether it was most exhilarating.

  "My reception at the police-station was cordial in the extreme. Theytold me their theory, and I gave them my explanation. The fact that thebeastly case was still locked was naturally in my favour. In fact,everything in the garden was lovely, and I was on the point of pushingoff to catch my train, when that fool of an inspector asked if I'd leavemy card, as a matter of form.

  "'I'm afraid I haven't one on me,' I said, 'but I daresay I've got anenvelope,' and I started to feel in my pockets. There was only one paperthere, and that wasn't an envelope. _It was Mr. Boleton's letter._

  "The moment I saw what it was, I knew I was done. I couldn't put itaway, or they'd get suspicious. If I showed it them, they'd regard me asa first-class crook, and very big game. I suppose I hesitated, for theInspector leaned forward and took it out of my hand.

  "The rest was easy. I was reviled, searched, cautioned, examined,measured, described and finally told that I should be detained pendinginquiries. I was then immured in a poisonous-looking dungeon, which, tojudge from its atmosphere, had been recently occupied by ananti-prohibitionist, and, from its condition, not yet reached by thechambermaid.

  "Yes," he concluded, "you have before you the complete gaol-bird."

  "How did you spend your time?" said Jonah.

  "B-b-beating my wings against the crool b-b-bars," said Berry. "Myflutterings were most painful. Several turnkeys broke down. The ratwhich was attached to me for pay and rations gambolled to assuage mygrief. Greatly affected by the little animal's antics, I mounted theplank bed and rang the b-b-bell for the b-b-boots. In due course theyappeared full of the feet of a gigantic warder. I told him that I hadnot ordered vermin and should prefer a fire, and asked if they'd mind ifI didn't dress for dinner. I added that I thought flowers alwaysimproved a cell, and would he buy me some white carnations and ab-b-begonia. His reply was evasive and so coarse that I told the rat notto listen, and recited what I could remember of 'The Lost Chord.'" Heturned to me. "The remainder of my time I occupied in making plans forthe disposal of your corpse."

  "You've only yourself to thank," said I. "You shouldn't have borrowedthe goods. I acted in good faith."

  "I wonder," said Berry, "where one gets quicklime."

  * * * * *

  It was during the interval between the third and fourth dances, both ofwhich had been given me by Miss Doiran, that the latter consulted herprogramme.

  "I'm dancing the fifth," she announced, "with the Duke of Blackpool." Istarted violently, but she took no notice. "I think you know him. He wasreleased from prison this afternoon. As my aunt's secretary, I've hadsome correspondence with him under the name of Boleton."

  My brain began to work furiously.

  "I scent collusion," I said. "Diana is in this."

  Miss Doiran laughed.

  "She rang me up directly she got your note about the lecture. The restsort of came natural. I believe you were responsible for the telegrams.I congratulate you. The elephants were a brain-wave. My aunt was tickledto death by them."

  "How dreadful! I mean--it's very nice of her. I'm afraid it was allrather impertinent."

  "If so, we were the first to offend, and, after all, Major Pleydell hasexpiated his crime."

  "And he's fixed my murder for the first week In January. There's reallyonly you left."

  "Oh, I'm punished already," said Miss Doiran. "I've lost my heart. Andhe doesn't love me."

  "Would it be indiscreet to ask his name?"

  Miss Doiran looked round the room.

  "When I last saw him," she said, "he was talking to an Irish terrier."