His Lordship's Leopard: A Truthful Narration of Some Impossible Facts

by W. W. Jacobs

  CHAPTER V.

  IN WHICH THE PARTY RECEIVES A NEW IMPETUS.

  An hour later, when the little party of four, weary and dusty, walked upto the hotel at Yonkers, they perceived Tybalt Smith in hisshirt-sleeves, with his hat tipped over his eyes as a protection fromthe rays of the declining sun, lying fast asleep in a large garden chairwhich was tilted back on its hind legs against the side of the house.Spotts lost no time in poking him in the ribs with his cane, whereuponthe tragedian, rousing himself from slumber, hastily assumed a moreupright position, bringing the chair down on its front legs with a bang.Having thus been fully awakened, he became at once the master of thesituation.

  "We are here," he said.

  "So I see," replied Spotts, "and a pretty show you've made of yourself.There's nothing private or retiring about your methods. Now where arethe rest of the party?"

  Mr. Smith at once assumed an air of mysterious solemnity.

  "Mrs. Mackintosh," he said in a stage whisper, "is above. I reserved anapartment for her and the Leop--Miss Arminster, I mean, and a privatesitting-room for us all. Mrs. Mackintosh is disturbed. Mrs. Mackintoshrequires an explanation. Mrs. Mackintosh," turning to Banborough, "is awoman of great character, of great force, and she requires anexplanation of _you_!"

  "Ha!" said Spotts, casting a look of mock commiseration at theEnglishman.

  "Perhaps it might be better," suggested the tragedian, "if MissArminster saw her first."

  "Perhaps it might," acquiesced Spotts.

  "All right, I'll go," said Violet; adding to Cecil, as she passed him:"Don't be frightened; her bark's worse than her bite." And she enteredthe house laughing.

  "But where are the others?" asked the author.

  "Sh!" whispered the tragedian, casting a suspicious glance at theQuaker. "We're not alone."

  "Yes," said Spotts, "the Bishop's got a new convert."

  "Oh," returned Banborough, "I forgot you hadn't met this gentleman. Weinadvertently rescued him, and since then he's done us a similar servicetwice over. I really don't know what he's called. The clothes belong toSpotts."

  "I thought I recognised the costume," said Smith. Then, turning to thestranger, he demanded, abruptly: "What's your name?"

  "I have been known by many," came the suave tones of the Quaker, "butfor the purposes of our brief acquaintance thee mayst call me FriendOthniel."

  The tragedian gave a grunt of disapproval.

  "I think he can be trusted," remarked Spotts. "He's certainly stood byus well, so far. Now tell us about Kerrington and Mill."

  "Yes, I'm most anxious to know what's become of them," said theEnglishman. And the three drew nearer together, while the Quaker,turning to the road, stood basking in the sunshine, his broad flabbyhands clasped complacently before him.

  Tybalt Smith, after casting another furtive glance in Friend Othniel'sdirection, murmured the words:

  "Shoe-strings and a sandwich!"

  "Eh? What?" queried Banborough.

  "Our two friends," continued the tragedian, "through the powerful aid ofa member of our fraternity, whose merits the public have hitherto failedto recognise, have sought refuge in the more humble walks of life toescape the undesirable publicity forced upon them by _you_! Mr.Kerrington, disguised as a Jew pedlar, is now dispensing shoe-stringsand collar-buttons on lower Broadway, while Mr. Mill is at presenttaking a constitutional down Fifth Avenue encased in a sandwich framecalling attention to the merits of Backer's Tar Soap. He is, if I mayso express it, between the boards instead of on the boards--a littlepleasantry of my own, you will observe."

  The tragedian paused, but failing to elicit the desired laugh, continuedhis narration:

  "Mrs. Mackintosh, though having been offered a most desirable positionto hawk apples and chewing-gum on Madison Square, has preferred to sharethe rigours of an unknown exile, that she might protect the youthfulinnocence of our leading lady."

  "All of which means," said Spotts shortly, "that Mill and Kerringtonchose to fake it out in town, while you and the old girl bolted."

  "Our friend," remarked Smith, casting an aggrieved look at the lastspeaker, "is lamentably terse. But let us join Mrs. Mackintosh. Shewill support my remarks, not perhaps in such chaste diction, but--"

  "Oh, shut it off!" interrupted Mr. Spotts. "Come along, Othniel. I guessyou're in this, too." And he led the way into the house.

  When they entered the private parlour they found Mrs. Mackintosh andMiss Arminster waiting to receive them, the old lady with mingledfeelings of righteous indignation and amusement at the ludicrousposition in which they were placed, which latter she strove hard toconceal.

  "Well, Bishop," she began, as soon as Banborough was fairly in the room,"you've carried off an innocent and unsuspecting young lady in a BlackMaria, imprisoned an officer of the law, deceived his agents, reducedtwo of the members of our company to walking the streets, forced us toconsort with thieves and criminals," pointing to the bland form of theQuaker, who had just appeared in the doorway, "laid us all under theimputation of plotting against our country, exiled us from our nativeland, brought me away from New York in my declining years, with only theclothes I stand up in, and deposited me in a small room on the thirdfloor of a second-class hotel, which is probably full of fleas! And nowI ask you, sir, in the name of Christian decency, which you're supposedto represent, and common sense, of which you've very little, whatyou're going to do with us?"

  Banborough sat down suddenly on the nearest available chair, made a weakattempt at a smile, gave it up, and blurted out:

  "Well, I'm blessed if I know! But permit me to decline the decliningyears," he murmured gallantly.

  "I have," continued the lady, with a twinkle in her eye, "for the pastthirty years played blameless parts on the metropolitan stage, and I'mtoo old to assume with any degree of success the role of a politicalcriminal."

  "Madam," said the author, making a desperate effort to compose himself,"I'm the first to admit the lack of foresight on my part which hasplaced us in this deplorable predicament; but the fact remains thatwe're suspected of a serious crime against this Government, and until wecan prove ourselves innocent it's necessary to protect our liberties asbest we may. I fortunately have ample funds, and I can only say that itwill be a duty as well as a privilege to take you all to a place ofsafety, and keep you there, as my guests, till happier times."

  "Hear, hear!" said the tragedian from the back of the room, while theQuaker settled himself into the most comfortable armchair with a sigh ofcontentment.

  "Very nicely spoken, young man," replied the older lady, whosesuspicions were only partially allayed, "but words aren't deeds, andCanada, where I'm informed we're to be dumped, is a long way off; and ifyou imagine you can go cavorting round the country with a Black Mariafor a whole afternoon without bringing the police down on you, you'revastly mistaken!"

  "Thee speaketh words of wisdom, but a full stomach fortifieth a stoutheart," said Friend Othniel.

  "Yes," replied Smith, who took this remark to himself. "I ordered dinnerat six, thinking you'd be in then, and if I'm not mistaken it's herenow." And as he spoke the door opened and a waiter entered to lay thetable.

  Conversation of a private nature was naturally suspended forthwith, andthe members of the A. B. C. Company sat in silence, hungrily eyeing theboard.

  "Thee mayst lay a place for me, friend," said the Quaker to the waiter,as he watched the preparations with bland enjoyment.

  "Did you order any drinks?" asked Banborough of the tragedian.

  "No, Bishop, I didn't," replied the latter. "As you're paying for theshow, I thought I'd leave you that privilege."

  "Order six soda lemonades," said Banborough to the waiter, adding behindhis hand to Spotts, as he noted the gloom spread over the company: "Noliquor to-night. We need to keep our wits about us."

  "Stop, friend," came the unctuous tones of the Quaker, arresting thewaiter as he was about to leave the room. "For myself I never takestrong waters, but thee forgettest, Bishop," giving B
anborough the titlehe had heard the others use, "thee forgettest that our revered friend,"with a wave of his hand in Mrs. Mackintosh's direction, "hath anaffection of her lungs which requires her to take a brandy and soda forher body's good before meals. Let it be brought at once!"

  "Why, you impudent upstart!" gasped the old lady, as the door closedbehind the waiter. "How dare you say I drink!"

  "Shoo!" returned Friend Othniel, lapsing from the Quaker into the tramp;"I ain't orderin' it for youse. I've a throat like a Sahara."

  Then turning to the other members of the company, he continued:

  "Now seein' as we've a moment alone, and bein' all criminals, I votes wehas a session o' the committee o' ways and means."

  A chorus of indignant protest arose from every side.

  "Youse ain't criminals, eh? What's liberatin' prisoners, an' stealin'two hosses an' a kerridge, an' the driver's hat an' coat, with afive-dollar bill in the pocket?"

  Banborough rose to deny vehemently the last assertion.

  "Oh, yes, ther' was," continued the tramp. "I got that." And heproduced a crisp note at the sight of which the Englishman groaned, ashe realised the damning chain of evidence which circumstance wasbuilding up around them.

  "An' lockin' up officers of the law," Friend Othniel went on, "an'runnin' off with prisoners, specially a tough like me, one o' your pals,what's wanted particular." And he winked villainously.

  "I do not see," began Banborough, who was fast losing his temper, "thatthere's any need of discussing the moral aspect of this affair. You,"turning to the tramp, "will have your dinner and your drink, and acertain sum of money, and you'll then kindly leave us. Though yournature may be incapable of appreciating the difference between a crimeknowingly committed and one innocently entered into, a differenceexists, and renders further association between us undesirable, to saythe least."

  "Oh, it does, does it?" said Friend Othniel. "Well, that's where youseblokes is mistook. This mornin' my dearest ambition was to blow upMadison Square Garden, but what's that to wreckin' a whole nation? No,Bishop, I'm a political conspirator from this time on, and I'll stand byyer through thick and thin! Why, you people ain't no more fitted to runa show o' this sort than a parcel of three-weeks-old babies. I wouldn'tgive yer ten hours to land the whole crowd in jail; but you just trustto me, and I'll see yer safe, if it can be done. I tell yer, it ain'tthe fust time I ben in a hurry to view Niagary Falls from the Canadianside."

  Just then the door opened, and the waiter entered with the brandy andsoda in a long glass.

  "Thee mayst put it here, friend, till the lady is ready to take it,"said Othniel, indicating the table at his side.

  "Nothing of the kind," snapped Mrs. Mackintosh. "I guess I'm as ready totake it now's I ever shall be." And she grasped the glass and, settingher face, proceeded to drain the tumbler to the amusement of thecompany.

  "There," she said, wiping her lips with her handkerchief, as the waiterleft the room, "that tasted about as bad as anything I've had for a longtime; but if it had been castor oil, I'd have drunk every drop ratherthan that you'd had it."

  A general laugh greeted this sally, and the tramp remarked sheepishlythat he guessed he'd know it the next time he ran up against her.

  Then, waxing serious, he resumed his former topic.

  "We ain't got no time to waste in frivolity," he said, "and if we're toget out of this hole, the sooner we makes our plans the better, andperhaps, as I know more about this business than youse, I'll do thetalking."

  Receiving the silent assent of the company, he continued: "I remembersin the days o' my innocent youth, before I burgled my first watch,a-playin' of a Sunday-school game, where we went out of the room, andthe bloke what teached us put a quarter somewhere in plain sight, andwhen we come in again not one on us could find it, 'cause it was justunder our noses; which the same is the game I'm proposing to play."

  "I think I see what you mean," said Banborough. "I've heard it said thatthe destruction of most criminals is their cleverness."

  "That's just what I'm a-tryin' to point out," replied the tramp. "Thecops gives you the credit of allus tryin' to do the out-o'-the-waything, so as to put 'em off the track, while if yer only acted as yernaturally would if yer hadn't done nothin' to be cotched for, yer couldwalk before their eyes and they'd never see yer."

  "That sounds all right," said Spotts. "Now what's your advice?"

  "To go back to New York," replied the tramp shortly.

  "But," objected Miss Arminster, "we can't stay in the United States."

  "Who said we could?" retorted the tramp. "Don't yer see, the cops'llreckon on our takin' some train along hereabouts for the North, andthey'll watch all the little stations on the up line, but they won'ttrouble 'bout the down line, 'cause they know we've left the city. Soall we has to do, after we've had our dinner comfortable-like, is totake a local back to town, and catch the White Mountain Express forMontreal."

  "Why the White Mountain Express?" asked Mrs. Mackintosh.

  "'Cause it's the longest route," replied the tramp, "an' they'll reckonon our takin' the shortest. Besides which, we'll cross the border in theearly morning, havin' the baggage, which we ain't got, examined onarrival."

  The company expressed hearty approval of the plan, and it was easy tosee, in the case of the ladies at least, that Friend Othniel's sagacityhad won him a much-improved position in their estimation.

  The waiter now came bustling in and out of the room, and Mrs. Mackintoshdrew Cecil apart into the embrasure of a window.

  "You mustn't think I'm too hard on you, young man," she said, "though Ican talk like a house afire when I once get r'iled. I know you didn'tmean to get us into this scrape. You're a good-hearted chap, or youwouldn't have given us all a breakfast when you didn't need to, and Iwant you to understand that I'll stand by you whatever happens. I'vetaken a real liking to you, because you can look me straight in the eye,and I know you're worth a dozen of those chaps one sees hanging round atheatre; and if you behave yourself nicely, you won't find you've got abetter friend than Betsy Mackintosh." And she squeezed his hand with anhonest fervour that many a man might have envied.

  Cecil thanked her for her confidence in him, and turned to have a fewwords with Miss Arminster, who had been constantly in his mind. When shehad admitted to the Justice of the Peace that she was a married woman,he felt as if somebody had poured a pitcher of ice-water down his back.Of course he hardly considered his sentiment for her as serious, but hewas at the age when a young man feels it a personal grievance if hediscovers that a pretty girl is married. Indeed, the fact that thelittle actress had been so blind to her own interests as not to keep herheart and hand free till he came along first caused him to realise howhard he was hit.

  "I do hope you've not been too much fatigued?" he said, sitting downbeside her.

  "Oh, you mustn't bother about that," she replied, raising her eyes tohis in a decidedly disconcerting manner. "I'm afraid you must havethought me very selfish and ungrateful for seeming to care so much aboutmy own appearance and so little about all you've done for me."

  "Oh, don't speak of that," he protested.

  "But I must speak of it," she insisted. "I can't begin to tell you how Iappreciated it. It was plucky and just splendid, and some day or other Iwant you to take me out driving again, in another sort of trap. You'rethe best whip I ever knew."

  He flushed under her praise, and began to say pretty things which he hadbetter have omitted; but she presently became absent-minded in the faceof his attentions, and interpreting this as an unfavourable sign, heventured to ask her why she was so pensive.

  "I'm afraid you must think me awfully rude," she said, "and really I'velistened to all the nice things you've been saying, half of which Idon't deserve, but the fact is, this place, and even this very room, arefull of sweet associations for me. It was in that little church, justacross the road, that I was married four years ago."

  "But I thought," he began, "that the Justice of the Peace said that hemarried
you."

  "So he did," she returned softly, "but that was different--it waslater."

  "Eh? What!" he said, "later?"

  "Yes," she replied dreamily, not noticing the interruption. "But it washere that the few sweet days of my first honeymoon were passed. 'Twashere I became the bride of the only man I've ever loved, the bride of--"

  "Hist!" cried the tramp, who had been looking out of the window. "Thehouse is watched!" And with this announcement Banborough's tete-a-tetecame to an abrupt close.

  "Are you sure?" cried Spotts.

  "Positive. There are three cops fooling round in front now."

  "What shall we do?" cried Smith.

  "Git," rejoined the tramp.

  "But how?" queried Banborough.

  "Oh, I'll fix that all right," said the Quaker. "I bagged a platedtea-service here five years ago, and if they ain't changed thearrangements of the house, this side door leads into an unused passage,which, barrin' the climbin' of a picket fence, is very handy forescape."

  "But how about the waiter?" suggested Mrs. Mackintosh, who was alwayspractical.

  "Right you are," said Friend Othniel. "We'll lock the door before we getout. They'll waste time enough over trying to open it, to give us achance."

  To speak was to act, and the tramp softly turned the key and slipped itinto his pocket.

  "As a memento," he said. "It's all I'm likely to git. They don't evenuse plate now." And he fingered the spoons and forks on the tableregretfully.

  "Come," said Spotts shortly. "We've no time to lose."

  "Look here," said Banborough to the company, "I may be a criminal, butI'm not a sneak, and I don't order meals and apartments without payingfor them. How much ought I to leave behind?"

  Spotts laughed.

  "If you put it that way, I guess ten dollars'll cover it," he said.

  The Englishman threw a bill on the table.

  "Now," cried Smith, "let's be off!"

  "Out this way," said the tramp, opening a side door. "You others gofirst, and I'll wait here till I sees you're all safe."

  "Not if I know it," said Cecil. "You go first, or you'll get kicked."

  The tramp looked longingly at the crisp note, and led the way,remarking:

  "Thee castest thy pearls before swine, friend."

  "Ah, that's just what I'm trying to avoid," said Banborough cheerfully,bringing up the rear.