‘That’s tough,’ Matt says. ‘I’d find the thought of fatherhood daunting even at my age. They’re both so young.’
‘It’s because they’re young they have no idea what any of this means. I’m dreading telling Shelby. I’ll have to pick my moment.’
‘You’ll go up to Birmingham?’
‘Lucas and I are both due to go up there on Wednesday to see him in his pantomime.’ Though I feel as if my entire life is like one, right now. ‘It’ll depend on Bev being able to babysit the farm, and I don’t want to put that on her at the moment. I can leave the animals for an hour or two, but not for any longer.’
‘I’m happy to stand in,’ Matt says without hesitation.
‘I couldn’t ask. You’ve done so much already.’
‘Really, it’s not a problem. I love being here.’
‘Thank you.’ Then I cry and it’s like a floodgate has opened. I cry for me, for Lucas, for the baby they’re bringing into the world, for Shelby, for Alan in the hospital and for a whole host of other things that I can’t even articulate.
Matt holds me gently and passes me a piece of kitchen roll that was serving as a napkin. ‘It will all come right,’ he murmurs softly. ‘Not all of this is on your shoulders. Let people in to help.’
‘I’m trying to,’ I sniff. ‘I’m just so used to being by myself.’ All of it has been my responsibility for so long.
‘Well, you’re not alone any more. Lean on me if you need to, Molly.’
I let myself sag into his embrace. He feels warm, strong, reliable. It’s comforting to have him here. I think I’d go mad, otherwise. There’s part of me that’s also disappointed that Shelby isn’t here. He’s the one who should be sharing this with me.
‘We should go,’ Matt says. ‘It’ll soon be visiting time. You sit for five minutes while I clear up.’
I do as he says and watch him as he moves about my caravan, his large frame filling the space, the sheer solidity of him reassuring. I’m glad that he can stay here to look after the animals as it means I can see Shelby. But, if I’m honest, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Alan, thank the Lord and all that is holy, is coming home from the hospital today. He looked a bit frail and tired when we saw him a few nights ago, but Bev says he’s definitely on the mend. He’s come out with a lengthy list of dos and don’ts. No smoking, healthy eating, moderate alcohol, regular exercise – which will mean a complete change of regime.
I wish I could be here to help Bev but, with perfect timing, it coincides with our trip to the pantomime. As much as I’d like to, I daren’t cancel our tickets. Shelby would never forgive me, so I haven’t even mentioned it. Plus I have actually persuaded – well, forced – Lucas to come with me and I might only get this one shot at it. In truth, I don’t think I could manage it without him by my side.
Ken has just pulled up in the yard, ready to whisk us both off to pantoland. I’m scrubbed up and in the black jumpsuit Bev bought me for the opening night that we didn’t make. My fancy manicure has long gone and, I haven’t even looked, but I bet my legs are hairy again. On the plus side, I have got lipstick on and I’ve combed my hair. There’s no hay in it, which is always a bonus and never a given. My overnight bag is at my feet as we’re staying at the fancy hotel where Shelby lives during the week.
Matt is standing with the dogs, seeing us off. He’s looking at me too hard.
‘What?’
‘You look lovely,’ he says softly. ‘Very posh.’
‘Thank you.’ I feel myself flush.
‘Go and have fun. Remember to boo and hiss in all the right places.’
‘I will. I can’t thank you enough for this.’
‘I look forward to hearing all about it tomorrow,’ he says. ‘Until then, rest assured everything is in safe hands.’ He puts those safe hands on my shoulders. ‘No need to look so worried.’
That makes me smile – a bit. The students will be here for another few hours and Anna, our craft lady, is here, but I don’t like to put on him too much.
‘You’ll be OK?’
He nods. ‘We will.’
He’s capable, responsible and I don’t need to worry. But I will worry.
Lucas comes out of the caravan, man-bag over his shoulder. Looks as if he’s travelling light. He too has scrubbed up – having been ordered to under pain of death. His hair is styled, spiky. His make-up is meticulously applied – if only I could say the same for mine. He’s wearing a white shirt, skinny blue jeans and looks about twelve. For the hundredth time, I think that I cannot see Lucas as a father. He’s not even legally allowed to buy alcohol or to vote. Though it’s lawful – if ill-advised – to have sex and get married? How can that be right?
However, the moment of truth will soon be upon us. Tonight, we’ve agreed that we’ll tell Shelby that he’s going to be a grandad. Lucas is not happy about this. Well, that’s tough. I’m not prepared to bear the brunt of this by myself.
Ken opens the door and I climb in. Lucas sits in the front with him and then we’re whisked away from the sanctuary of the farm and into Shelby’s world.
The traffic is terrible and the journey is slow. It feels like we’re going to the moon rather than Birmingham and I can feel my anxiety rising.
Lucas turns to me and says, ‘Chill out. We’ve got plenty of time.’
But it’s easier said than done.
Eventually – and not a moment too soon – Ken drops us at the front door of the hotel in the centre of the city and right by the theatre where Aladdin is showing. There’s a Christmas market in the adjacent street in full festive flow. Myriad lights shine out from cheery stalls selling all manner of festive fayre. The scents of cinnamon and spices on the air are wonderful, but the crowds look terrifying. Even so, I wish we had more time to look around.
Instead, we check in and then leave our bags to be taken up to Shelby’s rooms. Lucas is tense as we walk the few hundred metres to the stage door of the theatre and I’m not much better. At the reception we ask for Shelby and are told to wait. We stand in a narrow corridor that’s painted beige and wait, then we wait a bit more. There’s nowhere to sit and we’re in the way. Every time a performer comes in or out, we have to jiggle round them.
Lucas is getting agitated. ‘He’s such a fucker,’ he mutters.
‘This is his job,’ I remind Lucas. ‘He’s not keeping us waiting on purpose.’
I get a murderous look.
Another twenty minutes later and Shelby finally comes out, all beaming smiles and open arms.
Lucas glowers darkly.
Oblivious, Shelby kisses me and slaps Lucas on the back. ‘Good to see you both. The place is madness tonight. Utter madness! The local BBC television station have sent a crew down to interview us. It should have started half an hour ago, but I’m still waiting. Can you forgive me?’
‘Sure,’ I say. ‘Do what you have to do.’
‘I’d booked a table at a nice Tex-Mex place further down the street. Do you want to head off there and I’ll join you when I can?’
‘How long do you think you’ll be?’
‘Not much longer.’ Shelby glances over his shoulder. ‘Five, ten minutes?’
‘We’ll wait. It’s not a problem.’
‘I’ll be back as soon as I can. Promise.’ He dashes off before I can say anything else.
Lucas rolls his eyes at me.
‘Say nothing,’ I warn him. Another gaggle of performers squeezes past us. ‘Shall we wait outside?’
‘It’s December and I’m wearing a shirt.’
‘You didn’t think to bring a coat?’
‘I assumed I’d be sitting in a theatre all night.’
Probably quite rightly.
In the event, it’s a good forty-five minutes before Shelby resurfaces. He does, however, look flushed and excited.
‘It went well?’
‘Brilliantly.’ Then he grimaces at me. ‘Problem is, now I’m tigh
t for time. I need to be in make-up in a few minutes. Dinner is off the cards, I’m afraid. It’s not long before the show starts. Do you two want to grab a sandwich or something in the foyer and then we can have dinner afterwards?’
I dread to think what time that will be. Matt is staying over at the van, but I’ll still need to be up early and away after breakfast. I don’t want him holding the fort alone. We’ve got students in tomorrow, so I want to be back as soon as I can. I’m assuming that Shelby can lie in until lunchtime and hasn’t really considered this.
‘Yes, that’ll be fine,’ I say.
‘I hadn’t planned it like this.’ He does look terribly apologetic. ‘I’ll make it up to you.’
He thrusts two tickets into my hand and dashes off again. I stare after him.
‘How many times have I heard that?’ Lucas grumbles. ‘This is typical of my father. All that fuss about us coming and he doesn’t care if we’re here or not.’
But I’m trying to keep the peace between them, so I say nothing. If we’d known that Shelby was going to be so delayed we could have gone round the Christmas market or had dinner. A lesson learned.
‘Come on then. There’s not much time before the show starts. We’ll go round to the front and see what we can find.’
‘I must remind you,’ Lucas says, drily. ‘That I am absolutely doing this under sufferance.’
His dad being late isn’t a great start – I’ll give Lucas that – but he’d better brace himself as I fear that the worst is yet to come.
Chapter Fifty
There are no sandwiches to be had in the foyer, or any other substantial snacks. They have plenty of chocolate, but Lucas can’t find anything that’s vegan, so he sulks a bit more. If it weren’t for Lucas’s censure, one of those large bags of Maltesers – vegan or not – would be mine. All mine.
In fairness, when the show starts it’s very funny. It’s not really my thing, nor Lucas’s, yet, despite his best efforts not to, I catch him smiling a few times. There’s no doubt that Shelby is very good. He plays the villain, Nebuchadnezzar, so well. In fact, he’s probably doing too convincing a job of being a baddie.
I think again how different his world is to mine. He’s in his element up there in front of an audience, whereas I’m not even that comfortable being in the audience. I don’t like crowds or being confined to a chair for two hours. I’d much rather be in my wellies striding across the fields.
But both Lucas and I get through it with something approaching aplomb. I’m proud of Shelby. He’s a good actor, probably wasted in this role. When it’s over we stand and cheer along with the rest of them. Well, I do. Lucas sits on his hands.
We leave the theatre and head round to the stage door.
‘That’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back,’ Lucas complains.
‘Didn’t you enjoy that just a little bit?’
‘No,’ he says. ‘It’s an utterly crass and pointless art form.’
‘Don’t tell your dad that. Smile sweetly and tell him he was wonderful.’ I look at him with my most serious face on. ‘You’ll need him on side when we tell him your news.’
Lucas sighs heavily.
We wait outside the stage door, Lucas shivering in the cold, and he’s almost turned to ice by the time Shelby sweeps out. It’s a good half an hour before he joins us. I stifle a hearty yawn as it’s approaching ten-thirty and I was up at the crack of dawn.
Magnanimously, Shelby signs autographs for the hardy fans who have waited in the bitter cold alongside us. When they’re satisfied and the crowd thins out, eventually, he’s ours. He takes my hands. ‘Did you enjoy the show?’
‘It was marvellous,’ I gush. ‘You were magnificent.’ And he was. I dig Lucas in the ribs.
‘Excellent,’ he mutters. ‘You aced it.’
Shelby is flying high on adrenaline. ‘There’s a bit of a get-together at a bar down the road. Caroline Curtis – Princess Jasmine – has a birthday party. I said we’d go along for just one drink. It would be rude of me not to.’
This is the time we need to go back to the hotel and sit quietly with Shelby, but it seems like a bad idea at the moment. I look at Lucas and he shrugs.
‘OK.’
I’m not sure that we actually have much choice. Party, it is.
So we tramp along beside Shelby as we head to the bar, while he waxes lyrical about the performance and what happened on his side of the curtain. It’s so alien to me and I should find it exciting, shouldn’t I? But half of the time I’ve no idea what or who he’s talking about.
We reach our destination, Club Escape, and open the door to a crush of people and bright lights. Definitely a place I’d be happy to escape from. Shelby and I appear to be the only ones inside who are over thirty. Lucas cheers up considerably and, thankfully, as he’s with Shelby, he’s nodded through rather than being asked for ID at the door.
The music is loud, pounding out. We push through the throng and are shown to a separate VIP area and are all handed a glass of champagne.
Lucas looks at it with disdain. ‘WTF?’ he mouths at me. ‘Where’s the beer?’
I shrug as speaking to him would be pointless. Shelby is immediately swamped by his actor friends and we hang about on the periphery.
‘This is fun,’ Lucas yells in my ear.
I’m getting a headache already and I think it’s a bad idea to knock back the champagne, but we’ve had nothing to eat or drink for hours.
A tray of canapes passes us by. Pigs in blankets, tiny bites of barbequed ribs, mini Yorkshire puddings with beef in them. In fact, they all appear to be meat-based.
‘Dead animals,’ Lucas grumbles. ‘I just knew it.’
Shelby is busy, surrounded by his co-stars. There’s much joking and laughter. A couple of the younger girls flirt with him and giggle at his stories. It makes my heart tighten and reminds me of when we met and he was dating Scarlett Vincent, an actress half his age. It doesn’t help that I hang back, avoiding the limelight. I should try to join in, be by his side, part of his circle, but I realise that my social skills and capacity for small talk are still woefully lacking.
‘I saw a vegan place across the road,’ I say to Lucas. ‘I think it was still open. Want to duck out and get something to eat?’
‘Yeah.’ Lucas looks weak with relief.
I try to catch Shelby’s eye to tell him that we’re popping out for a few minutes to grab some food, but I can’t and there’s no hope of getting across the room to him. Instead, I send him a text. Hopefully, we’ll be back before he notices we’re gone.
After the fug of the bar, the fresh air on the street hits me and a gulp it down gratefully.
‘That was hideous,’ I say to Lucas as we dash over the road.
‘The bar was the best bit,’ he counters and makes me laugh.
The vegan café – Green World – is still open and we order wraps with falafel, red pepper hummus and spinach. But it’s the cup of hot tea that I’m most grateful for.
I text Matt. Everything OK?
All still standing. Don’t worry.
At last, some good news.
We sit and eat in silence, Lucas wolfing down his food as if he hasn’t been fed for a week rather than a few hours. Eventually, Lucas stops chewing long enough to say, ‘It’s better when it’s just me and you.’
‘Soon it will be a lot more than that.’
‘We’re not going to be able to tell him tonight,’ Lucas notes. ‘He’s in his own little Shelby World.’
‘I know.’ I look at Lucas and smile sadly. ‘We can’t put it off for ever, but now isn’t the right time. Perhaps there’ll be an opportunity.’
We both know our chances are slim.
‘I know you think he’s the best thing since sliced bread, but we’re barely on his radar. His poncy actor friends are more important to him. You saw that. This is your future,’ he warns with an insight that belies his years.
‘It’s his world, his work.’
‘
You keep telling yourself that,’ Lucas says as he polishes off his wrap.
When he pushes away his plate, I venture, ‘We’d better get back before he misses us.’
Lucas groans, but stands up and we walk back to Club Escape. It’s late now, the street only peopled by drunks and those soon to be drunk. I have never wanted my own bed more in my life.
We go into the bar and, sure enough, Shelby is still holding court.
‘We should just go back to the hotel,’ Lucas says. ‘He doesn’t give a fuck.’
‘We’ll say we’re leaving,’ I tell him. ‘Then we’ll head back there.’
So we squeeze and ease through the crowd until I reach Shelby’s elbow.
‘Hey,’ I say over the noise and he turns round.
Rather than being pleased to see me, his face darkens. ‘Where the hell have you been? I’ve looked everywhere for you!’
‘Where?’ I ask. Seems to me he’s in exactly the same place as when we left half an hour ago.
‘I didn’t know where you’d gone,’ he insists.
‘I couldn’t attract your attention. You were busy.’ It sounds barbed. ‘I texted you.’
He pulls his phone out of his pocket and reads my text. ‘I didn’t hear it. It’s so bloody noisy in here.’
Quite.
‘Lucas and I are just heading back to the hotel. It’s late and it’s been a long day.’
‘The party’s still in full swing,’ Shelby says.
‘There’s no need for you to leave. Stay. Enjoy yourself.’
Shelby steps away from his friends and pulls me to one side. ‘Tonight didn’t go as I’d planned,’ he says. ‘I’m truly sorry. I thought we’d have time for a nice dinner before the show.’
‘It doesn’t matter. Really.’ I’m disappointed, but this is
Shelby’s life and it’s me who is the square peg in the round hole – as always. He could have made more effort, it’s true, but – I sigh to myself – he didn’t and that’s life too.
‘I should have introduced you around to the rest of the cast.’ He takes my hand. ‘Have another glass of champagne. Come and meet them now.’
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