Matt is getting ready to leave and I say to him, ‘Why don’t you stay and join us for some food? If you’re not rushing away. My treat after all you’ve done for us.’
‘I have no plans for this evening,’ he says.
‘Chinese? The delivery man always complains that he can’t find us, but he gets here eventually.’
‘I’ll nip out for it,’ Matt says. ‘Save him a job.’
I find the menu and we put our order together before calling it in. Then I find a bottle of wine gathering dust in the bottom of the cupboard and I open it and, something I rarely do, I pour myself a glass. As I’m putting some plates in the oven to warm, I send a text message to Shelby to thank him for our trip to the panto and wish him well for tonight. He replies to say that he enjoyed it too, but that he won’t be back at the weekend as he has a meeting on Sunday. Funny he didn’t mention it before, but then we didn’t exactly have a lot of time to talk.
I know that it’s wrong, but I’m rather glad that he’s not going to be here as it puts off having to tell him about the baby. I shouldn’t feel like that. But I do.
I potter about until Matt and Lucas arrive with the food and it smells delicious. We put the cartons out between us and help ourselves. The dogs all cram beneath the table hoping for titbits, but they’re sadly disappointed. This mushroom chow mein is all mine. Matt and Lucas crack open some Tsingtao beer they bought at the Tesco Extra by the takeaway. There’s lots of laughter and jokes. It’s clear that Matt and Lucas get on well and I wish again that things could be so relaxed between Shelby and his son.
When we’ve eaten, the lads pile the dishes in the sink and I pull out the Scrabble.
‘Oh, not board games,’ Lucas complains.
‘Yes. I am Scrabble champion of the world and I plan to whoop your sorry arses.’
‘Oh, you think so,’ Matt says. ‘I am unbeaten in the Eastman family.’
‘I see that as a challenge,’ I tell him, spreading out the board.
Lucas holds up his hands. ‘I’m always thrashed by everyone as my boredom threshold is very low.’
‘Watch and learn,’ I tell him.
So we refresh our glasses and settle down to play. Matt does, indeed, prove to be a worthy opponent. And, despite feeling that the men are ganging up on me, I easily trounce both of them. I get a 95 word-score for ‘gherkin’, slapping down my tiles and sealing their fate. They both mock-bow to me.
‘Your prize for victory is that we wash up,’ Matt says. ‘Come on, Lucas. We must be magnanimous in our defeat.’
‘That was a laugh,’ Lucas says. ‘I used to play with my mum and I’d forgotten what it was like. I want to have evenings like this with my kid.’ Then he pulls himself up short and glances anxiously at me.
‘I told Matt,’ I confess. ‘I didn’t think you’d mind.’
‘I don’t,’ Lucas agrees.
‘Congratulations,’ Matt says. ‘That’s going to be a tough gig. If you need any help from me, I’ll support you all I can.’
‘Thanks,’ Lucas says.
Matt throws his arms round Lucas’s shoulders and gives him a hug. Lucas leans into him, happily.
‘That doesn’t get you out of the washing up though, mate,’ Matt says and he hands Lucas the tea towel.
It’s been a great evening and, dishes done, I walk Matt to the gate. ‘Thanks for everything.’
‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘I do appreciate it. And thanks for being supportive to Lucas. He’s going to need all the help he can get.’
‘No problem.’ Then, before I know what’s happening, he leans in and kisses me on the cheek. It’s light, friendly, but it feels more than that. If I turned my head just slightly . . .
He squeezes my arm, his fingers lingering, and then gets into his car. I watch until he’s gone from the lane. I like having him here. Perhaps too much.
Back in the caravan, Lucas is on his phone again.
‘Still no Aurora?’
He shakes his head. ‘I don’t know why she’s not replying.’
‘Perhaps she’s somewhere without a signal?’
He shrugs. ‘She didn’t say she was going out.’
‘Perhaps she thought we were away tonight as well as last night. I’m sure she’ll turn up tomorrow.’
‘Yeah.’ He still looks concerned. ‘I’m off to bed.’
‘It’s nice to see you getting on with Matt,’ I note.
‘He’s a good bloke.’
‘One of the best.’
‘He fancies you.’
I laugh. ‘I don’t think so.’
Lucas gives me a knowing look. ‘He suits you better than my cockwomble of a father.’
‘Cockwomble?’
We both giggle. ‘It was the best I could think of,’ he admits.
‘Goodnight, Lucas. I’m just popping out to check on everyone, then I’ll be right behind you.’
Lucas disappears into his room and I pull on my boots and coat. Outside, it’s clear and bright. The dogs, snuggled up in the warmth, are reluctant to join me, but they still make the effort. I cross to the barn and go along the gates, looking into each pen to make sure that everyone is present and correct.
When I get to Fluffy, our mum-to-be sheep, I stand and look at her growing tummy. I should get the vet out to look at her and make up a lambing pen. We take in orphaned lambs nearly every year, but we don’t often have them of our own. Seems as if everyone is getting pregnant round here.
And then a thought makes my stomach go cold.
When did I last have a period?
I try to calculate back. With all that’s been going on, with Lucas, Alan, Shelby and Christmas, I admit that I’ve not paid much attention.
When I work it out, my heart is in my mouth. The truth of the matter is that I’m very, very late.
Chapter Fifty-Five
Bev is back and she’s all bouncy. ‘I’ve been busy over the weekend, Mols,’ she announces. ‘I’ve got the open day all planned out as well as what we’re doing with the kids. Shall we go through it this morning?’
‘I’ve got to pop into town,’ I say and my voice sounds tight even to my ears.
She spins round and stares at me. ‘What?’
‘I’ve got an errand to run.’
My friend frowns at me, as well she might. ‘You never “pop” into town. Any errands there are you get me to run.’
I shrug.
‘Tell Aunty Bev,’ she says, hands on hips. ‘What’s going on?’
I look round, checking there’s no one in earshot, even though I know that all the students are packed off to their tasks for today. ‘I have to buy a pregnancy test.’
Bev’s eyes widen. ‘For you?’
‘Who else?’
Her eyes travel to my belly. ‘You’re not, are you?’
‘That’s exactly what I need to find out.’
‘Fuck me, Molly,’ is her verdict.
‘I know.’
‘I’ll come with you,’ she says. ‘The bloody nativity can wait. This is more important. The Hot Mayor can hold the fort for a couple of hours.’
I’m dreading the day that the Hot Mayor has to go back to doing whatever it is that mayors do, as he’s proving himself to be very handy round here.
‘We’ll go in my car,’ Bev says. ‘Get your coat on!’
So we leave Matt in charge with promises to be as quick as we can and drive into the town centre at breakneck pace. I stare out of the window as the hedges whizz by and Bev’s brakes burn. My mind has been in turmoil since last night. I hardly slept a wink. How can this have happened? I know what you’re thinking – the obvious way. But we’ve used contraception. Has it failed me? Don’t you get other symptoms with pregnancy – morning sickness, sore boobs, that kind of thing? I feel nothing. I’m just the same as I ever was. Shouldn’t I know? Shouldn’t I be feeling something? Shouldn’t I be aware if life is growing inside me? Instead, I am numb from head to toe.
‘It will be
fine,’ Bev says, sensing my inner panic as only a best friend can. ‘Whatever happens, it will all be fine.’
Bev screeches into the supermarket car park and throws her Fiesta into the first empty space we come to. Then we march into the store and straight to the pharmacy counter. There are a baffling array of pregnancy tests on the shelves and I gaze blankly at them.
‘Get this one,’ Bev says and grabs a box. She thrusts it into my hands and steers me to the counter where, on autopilot, I pay.
I could have gone to the little chemist’s in the village, but I don’t want anyone there knowing my business. It feels very public here but at least it’s anonymous. No one in this place has a clue who I am.
Clutching my paper bag bearing my test, I say to Bev, ‘I should go to the loo.’
‘Not here!’ Bev tuts. ‘You can’t find out if you’re preggers in bloody ASDA! We’ll go to that nice café down the road.’
So she grips my elbow and we rush out and head down the road to the café which is deemed a good place for a life-changing event. The window seat is empty again, which is a bright spot in a terrifying morning.
‘Off you go,’ Bev says.
‘What do I need to do?’ I whisper.
‘Pee on it,’ she whispers back. ‘Then wait a couple of minutes. That’s it.’
‘Come with me,’ I beg.
So we put our coats over the backs of the chairs to save the table and disappear into the loo together. The space is cramped and it’s all pink and the smell of pot pourri makes me feel nauseous. My chest is tight and I feel barely able to breathe.
‘Go on.’ My friend nods to me in an encouraging way. ‘Do it.’
I shut myself into the cubicle and, as ordered, pee on the stick. When I come out, it’s already showing the result and my hands are shaking.
Bev is waiting anxiously. ‘Well?’
‘I’m going to have a baby,’ I say.
‘Right.’ She wrings her hands. ‘This calls for a cup of tea.’
I nod.
Then she pauses and adds, ‘Are we celebrating?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admit. Part of me is thrilled, the other part is utterly terrified. This wasn’t planned, of course not. And it’s not the thought of a baby that scares me, it’s what Shelby’s reaction will be. I know that he doesn’t want children. It’s not part of his life-plan at all. I’ve even been frightened to tell him that Lucas is about to become a dad. How can I tell him that both he and his son are about to be daddies? This is too difficult.
Bev hugs me tightly. ‘Well, I think we are,’ she says. ‘Let’s have cake too.’
We go back into the café and I sit at the table, stunned, while Bev fusses with ordering tea and cake.
She brings back two brimming mugs and huge slices of Victoria sponge. I stare at it blankly.
Bev pushes the cake at me. ‘You’re eating for two now.’
‘I can’t face it.’
‘Has it sunk in yet?’ she asks.
‘No.’ I shake my head, bewildered. ‘I don’t have time to be pregnant.’
Bev smiles at me. ‘Life has a way of laughing in your face. We’ll find time. That’s the least of your worries. How far gone do you think you are?’
‘I don’t know.’ Perhaps it was the romantic night we had at Homewood Manor. Were we as careful as usual then? I think so. But clearly not. Here I am lecturing Lucas about using contraception when I should, obviously, have been listening to my own advice. ‘It can’t be very long.’
Shelby and I have barely seen each other recently, let alone had time to do anything else. The ‘occasions’ are few and far between, so that should make it easy to work out. But I can’t think straight, at the moment.
‘Difficult question,’ Bev says, ‘But do you want to keep the baby?’
Then I get a rush of love, of emotion, like I’ve never experienced before and I know one hundred per cent what my answer is. ‘Yes.’ Tears well in my eyes. ‘Yes.’
Bev squeezes my hand. ‘Oh, I did hope you’d say that. You can allow yourself to be excited, then!’
I smile and cry a bit too. ‘I don’t think Shelby will be pleased, though,’ I venture. ‘How am I going to tell him?’ And, just as importantly, how am I going to tell Lucas? I’m absolutely sure he won’t be thrilled either.
‘Wait until he comes back at Christmas,’ Bev says. ‘This is not an “over the phone” kind of thing. It will give you some breathing space to think and make some plans.’
‘Yes, yes. You’re right.’
She gives me her concerned face. ‘Everything is OK between you guys?’
‘I don’t know,’ I confess. ‘We’ve hardly seen each other, especially since he’s been in Birmingham.’
‘How was the panto?’
‘Fun,’ I say. ‘No, actually it was awful.’ I don’t tell Bev that Shelby was largely unavailable to us. ‘Not really my kind of thing.’
‘I didn’t think so. But Shelby is enjoying it?’
‘He seems to be in his element.’ I get a vision of the young stars hanging on his every word and have a pang of jealousy.
‘He’ll come round to the idea of a baby.’ Bev sounds more certain than I am. ‘I’ll be an aunty twice over! Yay! I’m looking forward to it already.’
Once I’m over the initial shock, I think I will be too. But it saddens me to say that part of me is aware that, somehow, someway, Shelby is slipping away from me.
Chapter Fifty-Six
Back at the farm, Bev runs through the plans for the open day while I try to pretend that my world hasn’t turned upside down. My friend has printed out leaflets advertising the Christmas Open Day to put around the village. She volunteers me and the Hot Mayor for the job. Perhaps she appreciates that I need a bit of time out from the students to gather my scattered thoughts.
After lunch, she hands us both bundles of paper. There’s a cartoon drawing of our alpacas at the top and all the details of the event. ‘Stick them on lamp posts, ask the shops and pub if they’ll put them up.’
Both Matt and I nod obediently.
‘Lucas and I are going to start teaching the kids a song, maybe two. God help us.’
I think I’m glad to be putting up posters. Matt and I wrap up and set off down the lane together. The sky is milky, soft, but there’s a fierce chill in the air and I wonder if we’ll have snow this year, a white Christmas. The walk into the village is bracing, but helps to clear my head.
‘Everything OK?’ Matt says.
‘Fine,’ I assure him.
‘You seem a bit quiet.’
‘A lot on my mind. With the open day and that. Bev discussed her plans with me this morning. There’s so much to take in.’ I can’t share with him what’s really going on in my life. It’s too new, too raw, too frightening. I can’t tell anyone – except Bev – until I’ve shared it with Shelby and with Lucas. Though I have the feeling that Matt would understand.
We stop at a lamp post in the village and Matt gets first dibs on fixing his poster to it.
When we walk again, he says, ‘The scenery is all finished and ready to put up. Is there anything else that you’d like me to do?’
‘We should gather some holly with the kids,’ I say. ‘That would look nice around the farmyard, but there’s nothing specific. There are a couple of holly trees in the fields that we can trim.’
‘I’ve got tomorrow off too,’ Matt says, ‘But I need to go back to work after that. I can’t put it off any longer.’
‘Ah.’ I turn to him. ‘I’ve been dreading this,’ I admit. ‘It’s been great having you around.’
‘You’re not getting rid of me that easily,’ he laughs. ‘This has been a godsend to me, Molly. I was feeling a bit lost and lonely. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great being mayor – an honour – but when all the shaking hands and cutting ribbons has finished, I go home to an empty flat. I’ve been looking for something but I didn’t know what. I feel that coming here has given me purpose again.’
> ‘That’s lovely.’
‘So I’ll be here every weekend, evenings if you want me and I can spend some of my holiday time here too.’
‘Whatever time you can spare will be greatly appreciated. You’ll definitely be here for the open day?’
‘I’m one of the turns,’ he reminds me. ‘Wouldn’t miss it for the world.’
‘I can’t decide if it will be fabulous or a total car crash. This is a big thing for our students. I have everything crossed that it goes well.’
Our next stop is the village shop and the new owner agrees to put the poster in the window. He says that he can’t come as the shop will be open, but is sure his wife and daughter would like a chance to come along to the farm. We have a standing invitation for the people of our village to visit us, but few take us up on the offer. I think Bev is right that an organised event will be more of a draw and it will be nice to meet some of the people who live here properly and on my own turf.
Before we move on Matt pauses and turns to me. ‘I hope we’ve become good friends, Molly. I’d like to think so.’
‘We have. Definitely.’
‘You’re very easy company.’
‘I’m not. I’m socially awkward, a bit of a loner, a misfit. I struggle to make friends, yet we got on instantly. So this is very different for me. I really enjoy your company.’
‘We should form a mutual admiration society,’ he quips, but there’s a serious look in his eyes. ‘Shelby is a very lucky man.’
Perhaps. I’m not sure how lucky he’ll feel when I tell him that he’s going to be a father again. Would he really want a small child in tow? His relationship with Lucas isn’t easy; I wonder whether he’ll view it as a chance to do it all over and get it right this time or whether he’ll want to run for the hills. Does it show how little I know the real Shelby, that I have no idea how he’ll react to my news?
Chapter Fifty-Seven
When we get back to the farm, preparations for the open day are in full flow. Bev has taken the students out to gather holly and now they’re knee-deep in it. There’s also a basket full of pine cones from the woods that border our property. Anna is here showing them how to twist the holly into wreaths and garlands, threaded with the cones.
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