Christmas for Beginners: Fall in love with the ultimate festive read from the Sunday Times bestseller

by Carole Matthews

  When Shelby comes back, all wrapped up against the cold, I click the dogs to heel. We climb over the stile and head into the countryside. It’s dark now, but the moon is bright and lights our way. There’ll be a hard frost tonight, I’m sure, but it’s a small price to pay. We’re far enough from the nearest town to be able to see the stars in all their glory. This is such a beautiful place. Not for the first time, I think Why would I ever want to be anywhere else?

  The dogs run ahead, happy to be free – unaccustomed as they are to being cooped up in the caravan all day. They’re playing with each other, tumbling and chasing and I can’t help but smile.

  Shelby and I walk side by side. There’s a tension between us, so I link my arm through his.

  ‘Want to tell me what it is?’ I say when it doesn’t look like he’s going to start the conversation.

  He doesn’t answer right away, as if he’s trying to form the right words, but then he says, ‘I’ve been asked to go out to Hollywood again.’ He looks over at me. ‘Remember that zombie apocalypse series I told you about? The Dead Don’t Sleep?’

  Of course, I do. Not so long ago, Shelby was all set to turn our world upside down and hightail it to Hollywood without a backward glance to play a psycho zombie killer or something. ‘Yes. The one you turned down.’

  ‘Well.’ There’s a sigh and a long pause. ‘They’ve offered it to me again.’

  ‘And you’re thinking about it?’ We went through before how bad it would be for Lucas. Their relationship is strained at the best of times and Shelby was talking about going to live in Los Angeles for a year while it was filmed.

  ‘I’ve accepted the role,’ he says.

  It hits me like a low blow, the breath taken away from me. He’s accepted it?

  All I manage to say is, ‘Right.’

  ‘I’ll have to go to LA. Of course. I know it’s going to be hard for me to be away, but I have to do this, Molly. You see that? I’m being elbowed out of Flinton’s Farm – not so gently – and this role is huge, massive. I don’t want to be consigned to the panto circuit.’

  ‘I thought you were loving it?’

  ‘I am, but I don’t want to be defined by it. Once you get typecast, then you’re doomed to panto season and celebrity reality shows. This role elevates me to a whole new level. It will invigorate my career.’

  ‘I see.’ And, believe me, I do.

  ‘A year away and I could come back to fantastic parts. We’re talking lead roles in primetime BBC dramas.’

  This my moment to remind him that he has a son who needs him. I should tell him the reason why Lucas is going to need him more than ever. He also should know that he’s not just going to be a grandfather but a father too. He is part of this child and has a right to know. But we’ve been here before and it’s clear that the lure of Hollywood is strong.

  What should I do?

  As much as I want him here while I’m pregnant with his child, I don’t want to be the reason why he stays. If I tied him here, would he, in time, come to resent the baby? Resent me too? I’m torn. Do I tell him so that he can make an informed choice or do I let him go and fulfil his dream? Should he be free to leave without knowing the complications in our lives? I’m barely two months’ pregnant, if that. There’s a long way to go yet. I can manage here with Bev’s help. I wish I knew how things worked in Shelby’s world. Can he come home regularly? Surely he must get time off from filming when he can do what he likes? Except, I have to face this, he’s never really seen this as his home. I look around again and take in the expansive sky, the dark solitude. I don’t know what Hollywood’s like, but I know that I’d never want to leave here to try it.

  ‘Say something,’ he urges. ‘What do you think?’

  ‘Lucas would stay here?’

  ‘Yes, yes. If he wants to.’ He stuffs his hands deep into his pockets. ‘I know he’s doing well with his course and he loves it here. I don’t want to cause him any disruption.’ I don’t point out that there’s more than enough disruption coming Lucas’s way. ‘You’re happy for him to live with you?’

  ‘Of course.’ I don’t know how Lucas will handle his father going to Los Angeles. He’ll be furious, of course, but when Shelby is here, Lucas doesn’t want him interfering. How am I going to tiptoe my way through this minefield?

  ‘I’ll make a proper arrangement to pay you for his upkeep. You won’t have to worry about money. The pay cheque is also very flattering.’

  ‘You already do so much for us.’ Financially, Shelby really looks after us and, now that we have some more fundraising ideas in place, I’m hoping we won’t have to be so reliant on him.

  He turns and puts his hands on my arms. ‘I’m not turning my back on you,’ he says. ‘I promise.’

  ‘I love you,’ I tell him, frankly. I’m not a great one for expressions of emotion, but I do love him. I love him for who he is as a man, not as an actor or a Hollywood star. I’d be happier if none of that was in our lives, but that’s who he is.

  ‘I know that things haven’t been easy recently,’ he says. ‘I should have discussed this with you. It’s the meetings that have kept me from coming back, but I wanted to be sure. I didn’t want it all to come to nothing and worry you unnecessarily.’

  ‘I thought that you might have been seeing one of your younger, prettier, less animal-mad colleagues,’ I confess.

  ‘No, never.’ He looks at me, dismayed. ‘Did you really think that of me?’

  ‘To be honest, I didn’t know what to think.’

  He takes me into his arms. ‘This will be a temporary measure. If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere.’

  ‘That’s New York,’ I remind him. ‘Even I know that.’

  ‘Ah, yes.’ A wry smile. ‘Do I have your blessing? It would mean everything to me.’

  ‘If that’s what you really want to do, then you should go.’ How can I hold him back?

  ‘I’ll return to England as often as I can.’

  ‘I’ll make sure you do,’ I say.’ But if he hardly managed to visit from Birmingham, in reality how often will that be? ‘When will you go?’

  ‘Straight after Christmas. They start filming imminently. That’s if we get the paperwork sorted. It’s not a done deal quite yet. Until there’s ink on a contract, these things can slip through your fingers.’

  That’s how I feel too. It seems as if Shelby is slipping through my fingers. I don’t think I can keep him here on the farm. It’s my love, not his.

  Chapter Seventy

  We walk back to the caravan. ‘Shall I tell Lucas?’ Shelby asks.

  ‘It’s probably better if I do,’ I say. ‘It’s been a long day. Now really isn’t the best time.’

  I can’t cope with any more emotion. All I need is to put my feet up.

  I feed the dogs in the yard and decided to banish them for the night. They’ll be fine snuggled up in the barn. Not quite as cosy as my bedroom, but it won’t hurt them for once. Reluctantly, I turn off the Christmas tree lights. The tree looks so beautiful that I can’t bear for it to fall into darkness. I click the switch. Until tomorrow.

  However, I do leave the lights on that Lucas has strung around the caravan which is still a bright little spot. I like these so much I might leave them on all year round.

  We phone for a takeaway and, eventually, it arrives. Lucas joins us, but it’s a subdued affair. I don’t ask in front of Shelby, but I’m pretty certain that he hasn’t been able to speak to Aurora. He’d be a lot cheerier if he had. It was a shame she missed his performance today. I love to hear Lucas’s poems and it’s a rare occasion when he deigns to read them in public.

  After dinner, Lucas beats a hasty retreat to his bedroom. Shelby and I cuddle up on the sofa. The windows are steamed up and I close the curtains, shutting out the night. I should get a little fake tree to put up in here as it’s not very festive yet and Christmas is hurtling towards us.

  I rest my head on Shelby’s shoulder, savouring the short time I have him to myse
lf. He’s due back in Birmingham in the morning but, for tonight, he’s mine.

  ‘What will you do with the manor while you’re away?’ I ask. ‘I know it’s been on your mind.’

  ‘I might rent it out,’ he says. ‘But I’m not that keen on doing so. I don’t like it standing empty, though.’

  ‘I have a possible solution to that,’ I venture. ‘One of our students is living in a terrible situation. Her father beats her mum. It’s awful. They were still here when you arrived.’

  ‘I noticed the woman with the black eye,’ Shelby says. ‘I meant to ask.’

  ‘It’s a regular occurrence and it seems to be getting worse. I’ve urged them to leave but the mother, Jess, says they’ve nowhere to go. I could try to get them into a refuge, but that’s not ideal over Christmas. I was wondering if they could move into the manor cottage for the time being. Until they get sorted.’

  ‘The manor is standing empty too. They could go there.’

  ‘I don’t think they’d like that. It’s not very well . . . homely.’

  ‘Is that why you don’t like it?’

  ‘It a beautiful house,’ I say, honestly. ‘But it’s not a home. I think they’d be happier with somewhere smaller and cosier. I’m sure they’d feel safe in the cottage.’ I like the idea that there are security gates, CCTV cameras. That would surely keep out any unwanted or unexpected visitors.

  ‘I have no problem with that,’ Shelby says. ‘They’re welcome to stay there as long as they need to.’

  ‘Thank you.’ I kiss his cheek. ‘You’re a good man.’

  ‘I fall way short,’ he says. ‘But I do try.’

  ‘I’ll tell her tomorrow. It’s a big step, but I bet they’ll be relieved that there’s a way out for them.’

  ‘No one should have to live in fear.’

  ‘No,’ I agree.

  ‘Lucas seemed to be getting on very well with the daughter. Is his girlfriend – what was her name? – still on the scene?’ ‘Very much so,’ I say.

  ‘She seemed a bit old for him.’

  What can I say? I wholeheartedly agree, but it seems as if Aurora will be in our lives like it or not. ‘Lucas is besotted.’

  ‘Young love,’ Shelby muses.

  I steer him onto safer ground and we talk about the continuing dramas in Pantoland, until my eyes start to roll.

  ‘To bed,’ Shelby says and I’m so tired that I don’t even do my usual night-time round of the animals before we hit the sack for the night.

  We lie in bed and he takes me in his arms.

  ‘Just hold me for tonight.’ I don’t want to make love. I’m tired, emotional and, with the baby, it would seem like a terrible intrusion. Once he’s got his contract finalised, then I’ll tell him. Hopefully, we can spend some quality time together over Christmas and he’ll have time to get used to the idea.

  Shelby falls asleep almost instantly, but I lie awake. I’m in the shelter of his embrace, but I feel there’s a gulf between us. Our lives are becoming more like one of the storylines in his soap opera. Life might have been considerably lonelier before he arrived but, in truth, it was a lot more straightforward. I wonder how much I know the real man behind the façade. Something that Lucas frequently points out is that it’s all an act. Shelby has been hiding his Hollywood negotiations from me and I’m hiding the fact that I’m pregnant. I think of Lucas’s poem Secrets ’n’ Lies – one of the first I knew he’d written. I guess that we all have secrets and lies. Putting my hands on my belly, I feel the secret of the life that I’m carrying there. And wonder just how long I can keep it that way.

  Chapter Seventy-One

  In the morning, Shelby leaves early. We are quiet and sad with each other. He gives me the keys to the cottage at Homewood Manor, so that I can offer it to Penny’s mum. I kiss him as he gets into his car and wave at the gate as he drives away, trying to push away the overwhelming sorrow that I feel. This should be a happy time. It’s Christmas and I’m having a baby. I should be basking in a glow that’s currently eluding me. Perhaps because I need him more than ever, the separation seems all the harder. I don’t know. New territory for me.

  Routine, I think, is the way forward. So, as I do every day, I see to the animals, walk the dogs and try to bury my head in the sand. When I get back to the caravan, Lucas is up and dressed.

  ‘Dad’s gone?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Did you tell him about me and Aurora? The baby?’

  ‘Not yet. I think Christmas would be a good time.’

  ‘Not the present he’ll be expecting,’ Lucas says.

  ‘No.’ I should tell him that his father may well be heading off to Los Angeles after Christmas, but there’s time enough to do that too.

  Hopefully, at Christmas, we’ll be more relaxed, feeling goodwill to all men and our various bombshells won’t seem so bad at all. I have everything crossed.

  ‘I’m going to see Aurora today.’ Lucas looks relieved. ‘Can I bunk off for a few hours?’

  ‘Yes, sure. You worked really hard yesterday.’ I look him squarely in the eye. ‘And your poems were brilliant. Promise me you’ll still try to find time to write when the baby comes.’

  ‘Oh, yeah,’ he says. ‘Me and Aurora are going to keep it as real as we can. When you’re young parents you have more energy.’

  I don’t point out to Lucas that, on the whole, he has very little energy now. His lie-ins until noon are soon to be a thing of the past. We’ve still yet to determine where and how they will live. Mind you, the same goes for me. I want Lucas here with me, but we can’t all live in the caravan. Could we all move into Homewood Manor and be one big happy family? It would be a lovely idea. In reality, it might take some working out.

  When Bev arrives, all bouncy and buoyant, she lifts my spirits.

  ‘Yesterday was a flipping triumph!’ she declares.

  ‘Apart from the impromptu demonstration of alpaca love.’ ‘It only added to the atmosphere,’ she says. ‘Bless ’em.’

  Bless ’em, indeed.

  ‘I couldn’t face doing it last night, so I’ll total all the money today,’ she continues. ‘It’s looking good though. Santa left us a nice present too. A cheque for a thousand quid.’

  ‘He did?’

  ‘Yeah. Top bloke.’

  I must ring and thank Christian profusely. He’s a good friend to us.

  ‘So? While we’re feeling flushed with success, do you fancy doing a spring open day?’

  I groan. ‘Let me get over this one first!’

  Bev laughs. ‘I’ve got a wedding to fit in before then.’

  ‘Have you got a date yet?’

  ‘No, but it will be soon. No point hanging about, eh? Strike while the iron’s hot and all that.’

  ‘Has Alan recovered from the shock?’

  ‘Not quite,’ she says. ‘He did have a few large whiskies last night.’

  We laugh together. ‘I bet!’

  ‘You really will be my bridesmaid, matron of honour, whatever?’

  ‘Of course, I’ll be delighted.’

  Bev hugs me. ‘How did it go with Shelby?’

  ‘OK. I didn’t tell him about the baby. The timing was wrong.’

  She eyes my tummy. ‘He didn’t notice?’

  If I’m honest, he was so caught up in his own dilemmas that I’m not sure he noticed me at all. ‘No.’

  ‘He’ll need to know soon.’

  ‘Christmas,’ I say. ‘I’ll tell him then.’

  Bev raises her eyebrows. ‘That poor man’s got a shock coming to him.’

  ‘He’s thinking of taking a job in Hollywood,’ I admit. ‘We might not be seeing much of him for the next year.’

  ‘Surely, he won’t go when he knows about the baby – both of them!’

  ‘I wanted him to make his decision without complications. I can’t be the one to hold him here, Bev.’

  ‘You are a funny one,’ my friend says. ‘But you know that you’ll have our support whatever you decide to do
.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘I’ll get on and organise the students. We’ve a fair bit of tidying up to do today.’

  ‘Lucas isn’t going to be around. He’s gone to see Aurora. I hope they’ll sort out some details of their situation. I was wondering – in an optimistic moment – whether we all might live together at Homewood Manor.’

  ‘It would be a good idea,’ Bev says. ‘I think. It could work brilliantly, or you’d all kill each other within a fortnight.’

  ‘One thing I did discuss with Shelby was the possibility of Penny and her mum living in the cottage there if she wants to and he agreed. I’m going to call her and see what she thinks.’

  ‘Now that is an inspired idea.’

  ‘Fingers crossed that she’s willing to try. I can’t bear to see how worn-down Penny looks. Potentially, this could transform their situation.’

  ‘The cottage has been empty for a while,’ Bev muses. ‘It will need a good clean and freshen up.’

  ‘I thought we could find a few hours to go over there this week.’

  Bev nods. ‘Shouldn’t be a problem.’

  ‘Penny’s not here yet, but when Jess drops her off, I’ll see if I can have a word with her.’

  So, while Bev herds the students up to the barn, I clean up in the tea room while I wait for Penny and Jess to arrive. I set to and sweep the floor, swishing the broom vigorously to get rid of trodden-in cake. As I do, I get a sharp pain low down in my stomach which takes my breath away. I’m going to have to start taking things a little easier, I realise. I’ve been heaving feed bags around this morning and I probably shouldn’t.

  Then I hear a car at the gate and it’s Jess dropping Penny off, so I dash outside.

  ‘Morning!’ They both look worn out and I wonder if they’ve had another difficult night. ‘Everyone’s in the barn,’ I say to Penny as she climbs out of the car. ‘Catch up with them. I want a word with your mum.’

  ‘Nothing bad?’ Penny says, anxiously.