The Gentle Grafter

by O. Henry

  II

  After breakfast we went out on the front porch, lighted up two of thelandlord's _flor de upas_ perfectos, and took a look at Georgia.

  The installment of scenery visible to the eye looked mighty poor. Asfar as we could see was red hills all washed down with gullies andscattered over with patches of piny woods. Blackberry bushes was allthat kept the rail fences from falling down. About fifteen miles overto the north was a little range of well-timbered mountains.

  That town of Mountain Valley wasn't going. About a dozen peoplepermeated along the sidewalks; but what you saw mostly was rain-barrelsand roosters, and boys poking around with sticks in piles of ashes madeby burning the scenery of Uncle Tom shows.

  And just then there passes down on the other side of the street a highman in a long black coat and a beaver hat. All the people in sightbowed, and some crossed the street to shake hands with him; folks cameout of stores and houses to holler at him; women leaned out of windowsand smiled; and all the kids stopped playing to look at him. Ourlandlord stepped out on the porch and bent himself double like acarpenter's rule, and sung out, "Good-morning, Colonel," when he was adozen yards gone by.

  "And is that Alexander, pa?" says Caligula to the landlord; "and whyis he called great?"

  "That, gentlemen," says the landlord, "is no less than Colonel JacksonT. Rockingham, the president of the Sunrise & Edenville Tap Railroad,mayor of Mountain Valley, and chairman of the Perry County board ofimmigration and public improvements."

  "Been away a good many years, hasn't he?" I asked.

  "No, sir; Colonel Rockingham is going down to the post-office for hismail. His fellow-citizens take pleasure in greeting him thus everymorning. The colonel is our most prominent citizen. Besides theheight of the stock of the Sunrise & Edenville Tap Railroad, he ownsa thousand acres of that land across the creek. Mountain Valleydelights, sir, to honor a citizen of such worth and public spirit."

  For an hour that afternoon Caligula sat on the back of his neck on theporch and studied a newspaper, which was unusual in a man who despisedprint. When he was through he took me to the end of the porch amongthe sunlight and drying dish-towels. I knew that Caligula had inventeda new graft. For he chewed the ends of his mustache and ran the leftcatch of his suspenders up and down, which was his way.

  "What is it now?" I asks. "Just so it ain't floating mining stocks orraising Pennsylvania pinks, we'll talk it over."

  "Pennsylvania pinks? Oh, that refers to a coin-raising scheme of theKeystoners. They burn the soles of old women's feet to make them tellwhere their money's hid."

  Caligula's words in business was always few and bitter.

  "You see them mountains," said he, pointing. "And you seen thatcolonel man that owns railroads and cuts more ice when he goes to thepost-office than Roosevelt does when he cleans 'em out. What we'regoing to do is to kidnap the latter into the former, and inflict aransom of ten thousand dollars."

  "Illegality," says I, shaking my head.

  "I knew you'd say that," says Caligula. "At first sight it does seemto jar peace and dignity. But it don't. I got the idea out of thatnewspaper. Would you commit aspersions on a equitable graft that theUnited States itself has condoned and indorsed and ratified?"

  "Kidnapping," says I, "is an immoral function in the derogatory listof the statutes. If the United States upholds it, it must be a recentenactment of ethics, along with race suicide and rural delivery."

  "Listen," says Caligula, "and I'll explain the case set down in thepapers. Here was a Greek citizen named Burdick Harris," says he,"captured for a graft by Africans; and the United States sends twogunboats to the State of Tangiers and makes the King of Morocco giveup seventy thousand dollars to Raisuli."

  "Go slow," says I. "That sounds too international to take in all atonce. It's like 'thimble, thimble, who's got the naturalizationpapers?'"

  "'Twas press despatches from Constantinople," says Caligula. "You'llsee, six months from now. They'll be confirmed by the monthly magazines;and then it won't be long till you'll notice 'em alongside the photosof the Mount Pelee eruption photos in the while-you-get-your-hair-cutweeklies. It's all right, Pick. This African man Raisuli hides BurdickHarris up in the mountains, and advertises his price to the governmentsof different nations. Now, you wouldn't think for a minute," goes onCaligula, "that John Hay would have chipped in and helped this graftalong if it wasn't a square game, would you?"

  "Why, no," says I. "I've always stood right in with Bryan's policies,and I couldn't consciously say a word against the Republicanadministration just now. But if Harris was a Greek, on what system ofinternational protocols did Hay interfere?"

  "It ain't exactly set forth in the papers," says Caligula. "I supposeit's a matter of sentiment. You know he wrote this poem, 'LittleBreeches'; and them Greeks wear little or none. But anyhow, John Haysends the Brooklyn and the Olympia over, and they cover Africa withthirty-inch guns. And then Hay cables after the health of the _personagrata_. 'And how are they this morning?' he wires. 'Is Burdick Harrisalive yet, or Mr. Raisuli dead?' And the King of Morocco sends up theseventy thousand dollars, and they turn Burdick Harris loose. Andthere's not half the hard feelings among the nations about this littlekidnapping matter as there was about the peace congress. And BurdickHarris says to the reporters, in the Greek language, that he's oftenheard about the United States, and he admires Roosevelt next toRaisuli, who is one of the whitest and most gentlemanly kidnappersthat he ever worked alongside of. So you see, Pick," winds upCaligula, "we've got the law of nations on our side. We'll cut thiscolonel man out of the herd, and corral him in them little mountains,and stick up his heirs and assigns for ten thousand dollars."

  "Well, you seldom little red-headed territorial terror," I answers,"you can't bluff your uncle Tecumseh Pickens! I'll be your company inthis graft. But I misdoubt if you've absorbed the inwardness of thisBurdick Harris case, Calig; and if on any morning we get a telegramfrom the Secretary of State asking about the health of the scheme,I propose to acquire the most propinquitous and celeritous mule inthis section and gallop diplomatically over into the neighboring andpeaceful nation of Alabama."