by Natalie Dean
It seemed that much hadn’t changed. She remembered watching him with newborn lambs or little chicks. He always had such a gentle spirit to him despite his rugged cowboy ways.
Her gaze flicked to his hands as he guided his mother gently inside of the doctor’s office. She remembered those hands on her back when they were younger. They had always tried to play things carefully and honor God by not passing over a certain line, but they had certainly made out like there was no tomorrow. What an awkward thing to think while her mother was tottering into a strange doctor’s office.
Thankfully, those thoughts fell off as they headed inside, and she helped her mom check in. She wanted once again to accompany her mother to the room, but once more was told by her mother that she didn’t need Chasity to go in with her. Since she wasn’t documented as being unable to take care of herself and was lucid at the moment, Chastity found herself relegated to the waiting room.
She sat down in a chair, her leg bouncing, and Ben sat several seats away from her. It wasn’t as harsh as plopping himself down on the opposite side of the room, but it spoke to just how far apart they were now.
She shouldn’t have to feel guilty for following her dreams. Her parents had never really believed in her, with old fashioned ideas about how she should be married and have kids because that was the best destiny a woman could hope for. The ultimate fulfillment of her design as a female.
It wasn’t that Chastity hated the thought of marriage or kids or any of that stuff, but she resented the fact that her parents thought that was the pinnacle of her potential. She could touch the moon, discover new planets, cure cancer, anything really, but they didn’t seem to believe or care about that. Her father had even gone so far as to tell her that taking all of those advanced classes was a waste of time and the only need to go to college was for her “Mrs.” degree.
So, of course, she had to get away. She had thought that Ben understood that and would come with her. Sure, maybe they would return to his ranch later and help run things, but they would experience all of the things that weren’t in their small town. They would go beyond the borders that so many people set for themselves.
But he hadn’t wanted to.
She didn’t get how he couldn’t understand how much that hurt her. He framed their breakup as something caused entirely by her and her wanderlust, but he had promised her that he’d come too. As far as she was concerned, it was Ben who had broken his word.
Her eyes flitted to him, taking in his profile as he quietly read a book. He was tall, broad, and whipped into a fine shape that seemed to come from eating hearty, homecooked meals and doing labor-intensive work all day. His sandy-blond hair was a bit longer than he used to wear it, just slightly developing a curl to it. She remembered how shaggy it used to be in high school and how she would run her hands through it.
The truth was, she’d always had a bit of a thing for sandy-blond hair, and when the guy with almost that exact shade of hair at the school, who also happened to be handsome and popular, suddenly started talking to her, she had thought she was dreaming.
But it wasn’t a dream. Just like how this wasn’t a nightmare. No, this was her life now. Her awkward, uncomfortable, spiraling life.
There was only so much wallowing in her own misery that she could do, however, and so Chastity forced herself to take a deep breath. She should at least try to be an adult about things. After all, she was going back home in a month or so, provided her mother was all right, and Ben had been kind enough to give them a ride. He certainly didn’t have to do that.
In truth, she almost wished he hadn’t.
Getting up from her seat, she crossed to him and sat down. He lifted his head from his book but didn’t quite turn his neck to look at her. Instead, he stared straight ahead at the wall—like he was afraid to look at her.
“Are you enjoying that?” she asked, having no idea how to start a conversation with the man that she had secretly been comparing all other men to since she was young.
“Enjoying what?” he asked, clearly surprised by the sudden conversation.
“The book.”
“It’s all right.”
The corners of her mouth went up in a slight smile. It seemed that Ben still had his knack for short, simple answers. While he was a man of few words, when he did speak, it made people listen that much more.
“I read it about a year and a half ago, I think. I enjoyed it. I thought the writer had great imagery, and I’m a sucker for a bit of banter.”
Now it was his turn to smile ever so slightly. “You always have been fairly silver-tongued.”
“Oh, when you say it that way, it makes me sound a bit nefarious.”
“Does it?” he replied innocently, his smirk increasing the tiniest bit more.
She turned, giving him one of her signature looks that she chronically employed at the diner where she worked between acting gigs. “If anyone is aware of the possible implications of their words, it’s you.”
“I have no idea what you mean,” he said, impressively still holding his neutral tone. “I’m just a dumb cowboy after all.”
Chastity almost snorted at that. “Anyone who thinks you’re dumb is in for a rude awakening. I’d want to be there to see it when you totally cut the legs out from under them.”
“Really? You think it’d be some sort of grand affair? I figured I would just talk to them if I wanted to prove them wrong.”
Now she physically turned in her seat to look at him. It was so easy to slip into conversation with him, all their awkwardness from before fading to the background as the banter started to flow. “You like to pretend that you don’t have a flair for the dramatic, but I know better than that.”
He put the book down and glanced at her, his green eyes sharp and intense enough to make her heart skip a beat. “Oh, do you?”
She nodded, feeling excitement well up in her belly. “I can see it now. You’d play along, all taciturn and agreeable, until the perfect moment when you would suddenly reveal that you knew that they were trying to dupe you all along. There would be other people there too, so they could witness the realization as it swept across your victim’s face.”
“Uh-huh. And just who are these nefarious people whom I’m exposing?”
“Hey,” she said, pointing a finger toward his face. “Don’t go stealing my word.”
“I’m pretty sure you didn’t invent the word ‘nefarious.’”
“How would you know? You’re just a dumb cowboy.”
Finally, his smirk grew into a full-blown smile. “I see. So, you’re the bad guy.” He leaned in ever so slightly, his warm breath ghosting over her face. Suddenly, she was keenly aware of just how…there he was. His broad shoulders, his calloused, tanned hands. All she needed to do was reach out and touch his—
No.
That was not good.
That was really not good.
Emotionally, she backpedaled and realized she was following a path that she couldn’t be on. Swallowing hard, she said something she knew would stop whatever magnetism was pulling them together.
“That’s how you’ve been painting me all these years, isn’t it?”
She felt the hitch in his breath, and he sat back up. He didn’t say a single word and instead picked up his book again.
Oh dear. Now Chastity felt guilty. She swore she didn’t know if she was heads or tails with this man. All she knew was when she looked at him, it was so easy to feel like a young woman again, still fresh and free from all the bitterness handed to her while on the relentless treadmill of life. Back when anything was possible.
But that bubble was popped long ago. It would do her well to remember that, lest she run into the same problems she always had.
She’d dated, sure, but of the three relationships she’d had since she left Blanche Creek, none of them had panned out. The first had been madly in love with her, but she couldn’t feel the same way back. It was like her heart was somewhere else, outside of her body, and wh
ile she did enjoy his company, she never felt much else.
The second, she’d had more hope for, but then she found out he was hooking up with one of her friends. Apparently, he found her reluctance toward sex ridiculous, saying it was bizarre that she was nearly thirty and still a virgin.
It wasn’t like she was so devoted to God that she’d taken a vow of chastity—hah, the irony of that. In fact, her faith had wavered multiple times in the city. It was just that she never felt close enough to anyone to do anything more intimate beyond kissing. It was like there was a level of trust that she couldn’t reach.
Maybe she was broken.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured, looking down at the ground. She could feel a wave of emotions coming on, and she was desperately trying to cut them off. She was strong and would get through this. She was letting the situation get to her far too much. “That was uncalled for.”
“It’s the truth,” Ben said with a shrug. “For years you’ve been the girl who broke my heart, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t resent you for abandoning me.”
“Abandoning you?” Chastity repeated. “You’re the one who abandoned me.”
“That’s not how I remember it.”
“Then you’re remembering it wrong.” It was a struggle to keep her voice calm, but somehow, she managed. “It happened in senior year after school between rehearsal breaks. You came to visit me, and we went outside to sit on the bleachers and complain about the director. You were wearing that blue turtleneck that I loved and had just cut your hair.”
She closed her eyes, picturing it all.
“I can remember it like it was yesterday. I told you how I was going to go to Broadway and have my name in lights. I told you that I would prove to the director that I wasn’t some chubby character actress and that I could be an ingénue.
“I remember distinctly that I paused and said I would work out some way to come visit you every month, Broadway or not, and you looked at me with those big, green eyes of yours, with all those lashes and starshine that comes with teenage love, and you said you would come with me.”
Chastity tried to hold back the tears welling in her eyes.
“I don’t know how you forgot that, because it’s burned into my memory like the sun. I held your face in my hands, asking if you meant it, and you promised that you did. We kissed and kissed and kissed until I was dizzy, and then you tightly held my hand as we walked back inside.”
Chastity could feel him staring at her, his mouth in a tight line for several moments. It took a lot of willpower to return his glance, and she was surprised to see guilt written across his features.
“I guess I had forgotten about that,” he said, his voice almost too quiet to hear. “But I remember it now.”
“How fortunate,” she retorted less than gracefully. “Only twelve years later.”
“I’m s—”
“Ms. Parker?”
Chastity’s head snapped to the door to see a nurse standing there. It was déjà vu from the other office, but she stood immediately. She had an idea of what was happening.
“Yes?”
“Your mother has requested that you meet with the doctor as her power of attorney.”
“Right.” Chastity looked to Ben, not wanting to leave things how they currently were, but not seeing much of a choice. “I’ll be back.”
She followed after the nurse, and once more was led into the back to an office.
A doctor was there, a tall woman with short blond hair and an intense expression. She smiled briefly when Chastity entered and gestured to a chair.
“Have a seat, please.”
Chastity complied, and soon the doctor started talking.
“So Mrs. Parker requested that I talk to you because she was feeling confused. She gave me permission to explain the situation to you, is that okay?”
Chastity nodded. Was her mom having another one of her spells? Chastity hadn’t really been around long enough to know if this was a thing of grief or the beginning of a long-term memory problem.
“Yes, please.”
“Thank you.” The doctor’s face turned even more serious. “The earliest of our tests won’t process until tomorrow, and several will take about four weeks to confirm any sort of diagnosis. But I do believe that your mother is displaying signs of dementia. It’s too early to classify what kind it is—”
“There are multiple kinds of dementia?” Chastity interrupted, her heart squeezing in her chest.
Oh no.
This was it.
Her worst fears were coming true, and all she could do was sit and gawk at the doctor like she had grown another head.
Her father had just died, and she returned to her small hometown that felt anything but that. She just wanted to curl up and reconnect with the woman who raised her, smoothing over all of the rocky parts of their relationship until it was as healthy and supportive as it should be.
But even that was being taken away from her.
And even that was a selfish reaction. Her mother was sick, and all Chastity could think about was how it affected her. Since when had she become so narcissistic?
She didn’t know, and she certainly wasn’t getting the answer while staring at the doctor with her eyes half bulged out of her skull. Trying to calm herself, she took several deep breaths as the doctor explained.
“Yes, several. Dementia is more of a catch-all term. Like I said, it’ll take about four weeks before we know everything for sure. So, what I’d like you to do is keep a journal of anything you notice that is unusual.
“This would include sudden moments of confusion, forgetting foundational memories, confusing the identities of people she’s close with. Even if you think it’s fairly innocuous, or not a big deal, I want you to write it down, as well as the time that it happened. That’s vital.”
“You’re checking for sundowning syndrome,” Chastity said, looking past her and off into the future.
She could almost see it all stretching out before her. The slow, inevitable decline of her mother, losing all the precious things that made her . . . her. Then Chastity really would be alone.
Why was God doing this? As far as Chastity knew, her mother was one of the most pious women in town. Why would he take away her husband, then her mind? It all seemed so cruel.
“I see you’re informed. That will be useful.”
Chastity nodded dully before taking a breath and pulling herself into the present. Medicine had come a long way since her friend’s mother had passed five years earlier. Maybe that would help.
“Yes, I’ve tried to read up on it a bit. Is it okay if we go now?” she heard herself ask dully. But it was the only way she could keep her tone stable. She didn’t want to break into hysterics or even emote her worry and agitate her mother once she sees her again. The woman had been through far too much lately.
“Yes. But before you go, have you considered an in-home aide? Honestly, it might end up being the best course of action over the coming months, all things considered.”
“Aren’t those… expensive?” Chastity wasn’t sure how she was speaking around the lump in her throat, but somehow, she was managing.
“Depending on your insurance, they can be.”
“I’ll look into it. I guess I need to call the insurance people first.”
“Yes, I think that would be best. There is a long road ahead of us, but there’s no guarantee that this is an expiration date on your mother. I want you to remember that. Often people think that dementia is a death sentence, but there are some forms that are temporary, and reversible if treated appropriately.”
“That’s good to know. Is there anything else?”
“No, that should be about it. Please try to stay by the phone over the next few weeks. I’ll put this as my priority.”
“Thanks, I appreciate that.”
And she really did.
True, the doctor was giving her some bad news, but at least she was being polite about it and helping her as
best she could. It wasn’t like there was much else to do besides wait.
Walking through life like it was a strange dream, she followed the doctor to the room where her mom was waiting, crochet project half out of her bag but she was just staring at it like it was a foreign animal.
“Hey, Mom. Did you miss me?”
She looked up at Chastity and smiled, causing her heart to lurch. Would her mom recognize her, or would she think she was someone else today?
“There you are, dear,” she said, putting her project away. “I was trying to finish that up, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember what stitch I was using.”
“It happens to everyone,” Chastity said with a laugh, offering her mother her arm. Her mom, who Chastity now saw as more fragile, took it, and they headed out. Mrs. Parker went on a long tale about the skein of yarn that her husband had bought her two anniversaries ago. Chastity listened with a fake sort of smile, glad that her mom didn’t seem to catch the tension beneath the surface.
They reached the waiting room, and Ben stood, sending her a look of concern. Chastity shook her head, and her mother continued to tell her tale to him. Thankfully, he seemed to catch her drift and didn’t ask any questions, allowing her more time to think as they headed to the car.
It was only a bit past noon and yet already the day was incredibly stressful. She hoped that the tests would come back negative and that her mom would get back to normal.
She doubted it though.
11
Ben
Ben helped Mrs. Parker into his truck, sparing another glance at Chastity. He wasn’t sure what the news was, or why she was even here, but he could tell from Chastity’s face that it wasn’t good.
He may not be able to read her like he once could, but it was easy to see her brows knitted together and her dark eyes storming. He remembered she was like this once before, when her best friend had an ovarian cyst and had asked her not to tell anyone. She hated keeping secrets and seemed to internalize them into a heavy sort of responsibility.