“Most times, yes,” he said, still standing outside the door. “But right now, afterward? This is your time. If you don’t want me in, I will go. But it might be a good idea, at least since this was our first time.”
I gave myself a moment to think about it. Did I want him to go? I definitely didn’t want him to see me this way. I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t handle whatever it was he wanted to do to me. I didn’t want him to think I was some weakling who couldn’t handle rough sex. Even in my personal life, I didn’t mind it when things got intense. Hell, sometimes I encouraged it.
But what happened between Mather and me...
Honestly, I didn’t know why I was emotional over it. It wasn’t as though I was in love with him and he had ruined some kind of fairytale I had had in my mind over what our first time would be like. I think the intensity got to me in a way I hadn’t expected it to. And maybe everything that had to do with my mom and just seeing Mather walk out without even looking at me; it made me feel like a worthless piece of garbage.
Maybe if he did come back, if he was here to possibly talk to me, it might help things. It might help me recover from it all.
“Y-yeah,” I told him. “You can come in.”
Mather walked in with something in his hand. I couldn’t make out what it was but I was expecting something that might go with his domineering way. Instead, when he reached the foot of my bed, he held it up.
It was chocolate.
And not just any chocolate, fancy chocolate that was more expensive than regular candy bars at the checkout aisle.
“Can I tell you a secret?” He set the chocolate on the bed and stepped to the side. From there, he leaned down and began to undo the restraints. His hands were much more gentle than I expected them to be, especially after what had just transpired between us. “Chocolate always makes me feel better. If I have a shitty day at work or an argument with my father, I always grab a pack of these and I feel a million times better. Maybe they’ll make you feel better as well.”
“Oh, I’m not –“
“You don’t have to lie.” Mather moved from my wrist to my ankle, keeping his eyes on his task at hand rather than looking at me. “I know that for those who haven’t experienced this sort of intimacy, it’s a lot to handle. I lose girls after the first time constantly just because they can’t handle it. And that’s fine with me.”
I inwardly bristled at the mention of him being with other girls even though I knew he had been.
Don’t be that, I lectured myself. Don’t be jealous over the past.
“But there’s something I see in you, Jade.” He shook his head, moving to my other ankle and continuing to remove the silk. “I can’t explain it.
When he untied my last restraint, I sat up. He placed a hand on my shoulder. “Easy there,” he said, helping me as I rubbed my wrists soothingly.
“Can I just be honest with you?” I asked him, glancing at him from the corner of my eyes. My entire body was tense and my hands shook, probably from the shock that still coursed through my body. My ankles throbbed, despite the silky-soft restraints. “I have no idea if I’m even good at this. I don’t know if I’m making you happy. I don’t know if I’m pleasing you. This is all new to me and I’m not quite sure how I can be good for you when I have no idea what I’m doing.”
He took a seat on the side of the bed before cupping my cheek with his hand. I was surprised to find how rough it was. For someone who seemed to live a life of affluence and privilege, I expected soft hands, hands that didn’t have to experience hardship. I expected his hands to be different than my hands.
But they weren’t.
“You have me,” he promised. “I’m here to show you. I know that this can be overwhelming, but I promise you it doesn’t have to be scary. It requires practice and trust. An open mind, definitely.”
“And every girl you’ve brought back here had those qualities?” I asked tentatively. I didn’t know why I felt so shy asking him this, but I did.
He snorted, another sound I was surprised to hear come from him. He dropped his hand and handed me the bag of chocolate before standing up. I instantly missed his presence, the warmth that emanated from his body and surrounded mine. I watched him head to a closet I hadn’t noticed before, and reach for something high.
“No,” he said. “When I make a decision based on looks or on sexual ability, I get people who are less than spectacular. And that’s not their fault, that’s my fault. When I make decisions based on logic, on rational thought, that’s when I get screwed over – and not the way I want to get screwed.” He smiled at his attempt at a joke and headed back over to me, a large blanket in his hand. “But it’s when I pick someone for reasons even unknown to me, reasons I can’t explain or don’t make sense, that’s when I get someone amazing. A diamond in the rough.”
I close my eyes as he wraps the blanket around my shoulders, making sure to cover my naked body. His eyes didn’t even drop to those private places, as though he didn’t think he had a right to stare at them even though he bought my contract and could pretty much do whatever it was he wanted to me.
“And you think that could be me?” I asked. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that I could fulfill this particular criteria in his life when I could barely walk in a straight line while I chewed gum.
“I don’t know.” He shook my head and broke off a piece of chocolate and popped it into his mouth. “Look, I don’t want to tell you lies just because they sound nice and will make you feel better about this situation we both find ourselves in. I’m not going to lie to you. But I can’t help my feelings.”
Feelings?
I rolled over so I was on my back, my body still protected by the flimsy sheet Mather had placed on me.
“What do you mean?” I asked. He handed me another piece of chocolate and I popped it into my mouth without hesitating.
Feelings? That was not a word I expected to hear from Mather, especially in relation to me. Feelings was a word one used when there was romance and intimacy involved. Mather and I had a contract and a payment plan set up. There were no feelings between us.
At least, I didn’t think there were.
“I mean, when I look at you, Jade, there’s something there. Something between us. Maybe you don’t feel it and that’s okay. I’m surprised I’m even telling you this stuff in the first place. I’m not, I’m not this way at all. I’m not this guy.” He stopped and turned. Again, he played with my hair. This time, he coiled it around his long finger and gently tugged at the roots. “The fact that I’m feeling this way, the fact that I can’t even put into words what I’m feeling... That’s why I chose you. Because you bring out this part of me that isn’t sure about anything.”
I let out a breath, looking down at my body covered by the sheet. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that, but I wished I did. I wished I could have given him something – maybe like a reassuring squeeze of his shoulder or a pretty string of words. Instead, I kept my thoughts to myself mainly because even my thoughts were so jumbled, I wasn’t quite sure what to say.
“I hope... I’m not trying to scare you.” Mather looked at me again. “I’m just trying to be honest. I always try to be honest with my subs.”
His words hit me like a sucker punch to the gut.
How could I have so easily forgotten?
When Mather talked about feelings, he didn’t mean emotional ones. He meant sexual ones. I was nothing more than his property, a living, breathing sex toy he could buy and use at his convenience.
“I appreciate the honesty,” I forced myself to get out.
It was a lie, of course. Just because he felt the need to be honest didn’t mean I did.
And yet, what right did I have to complain about anything? I agreed to this relationship. I agreed to putting a price on my body.
I didn’t regret saving my mother’s life, but I couldn’t help but wish there was another way to do it. Because the way Mather was making me feel i
n this moment was nothing short of garbage.
Chapter 8
It was a strange thing to say that I got used to this routine we developed together, but it was true. Mather worked during the day, Monday through Friday. He left early and got home late. Every now and then, I would try to calculate how long he worked, but because he owned his own company, he was usually the first one there and the last one to leave. He always called me on the way home so I would know when to expect him. His chef, Carlos, always prepared me a meal at six. It was rare that Mather would be home to eat with me; he typically grabbed something to go on the way home because he wanted me to have energy.
I was to meet him in his room, knees on the floor, completely naked, back facing the door. My hands were to be cradled in my lap, my head was supposed to be down. I was supposed to emulate the perfect submissive. At first, it was difficult for me to get in that position, and there were times I was taken out of the moment because I couldn’t help but judge him for his preferences. However, after a week, I got used to our sex routine as well. I didn’t necessarily understand it, but I got used to it. I picked up his nuances. I could tell when he had a bad day at work by his phone call, and I knew what he needed in order to soothe his temper. I knew when he needed me to be more nurturing, when he needed quiet, and when he needed passion. At first, he would have to tell me, but I made it a point to pick things up as quickly as I could because I did not want a replay of what happened between us that first night.
It wasn’t as though it wasn’t sweet. He was kind and informative. He revealed a lot about himself that night that I hadn’t expected from him. However, at the same time, I didn’t like the feeling of isolation, of abandonment, I had felt when he initially left. I did not want to suffer through that again.
More than all of that, I was starting to feel like a caged beast. Mather never told me I was forced to stay here. He always made sure I had a credit card and clean clothes and access to one of his cars if I wanted to visit my mom or go out to lunch with a friend. He never made me feel trapped. It was my inability to shift into my wolf that caused me to get restless. I found myself pacing a lot during the day. I found myself angry and frustrated as well. Hiding those emotions from Mather just made it worse. I wish I could confide in someone, but I barely had time to talk to Janet just because her schedule was so full.
When I woke up this morning, I already knew something was wrong with me, but I didn’t understand what it was. I pressed my lips together, trying to keep myself from gagging up even before I got out of bed.
In a sense, I was lucky. If I was going to get sick at any point, Wednesdays were the perfect day to do only because they were my quote unquote days off. Wednesdays, I visited my mom and paid the bills. Wednesdays, I had time to myself. Wednesdays were mine and mine alone. I wasn’t required to have sex with Mather and he never put unnecessary pressure on me by asking.
I padded to my attached bathroom and tried to throw up. The first thought that crossed my mind was that I could be pregnant. I refused to be one of those damsel contemporary romance novel heroines who never know she’s pregnant until she’s throwing up in a garbage can, and even then she doesn’t think that she’s pregnant.
No, I knew there was a strong possibility such a thing could occur – except we were only two weeks into this. Considering I hadn’t had any sex before Mather for a while, there was absolutely no way I’d be showing symptoms of pregnancy now. Granted, I would probably buy a test just to be sure, but I was almost positive I wasn’t pregnant. Like, ninety nine point nine nine percent.
Which meant I was sick.
I didn’t actually throw up. I waited by the toilet bowl, and when nothing came up, I picked myself up and put on casual clothing. I pulled my hair into a loose ponytail and headed down the stairs in my frumpy clothes and mismatched socks, thinking Mather would be long gone and Carlos could cook me a crepe with Nutella and strawberries. Just because my stomach was giving me problems didn’t mean I wasn’t hungry.
Maybe that was the issue.
I was just hungry.
The thought completely vanished from my mind the second I set foot into the dining room. Mather was there, reading the newspaper. He still wore a suit, though this one was much more casual than the ones I typically saw him in. His brown hair fell into his face rather than being slicked back. He looked comfortable. As in, he had absolutely no intention of leaving the house today.
He looked up when he heard my approach and did a double-take before his lips curved into a gentle smile.
“Leggings and an oversized sweater?” he asked. “Comfy.”
“I can change,” I said quickly, jutting my thumb over my shoulder like I was some kind of awkward hitchhiker. “I didn’t realize you would be home today.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” His eyes swept over me again. “I like it.” He turned back to his newspaper. “I never go into work during the full moon.”
My brow shot high on my forehead, teasing my hairline. “It’s the full moon tonight?” I asked in a low voice.
He nodded his head, eyes still on his food.
Without me having to say anything, Carlos brought me a plate filled with Nutella-soaked crepes covered in fresh strawberries. I took a seat across from Mather and began to eat. My stomach issues were temporarily forgotten as I ate in silence. The only sounds I could hear were Carlos cleaning up the kitchen and the snap of the newspaper every time Mather turned the page.
The full moon was tonight. No wonder I was feeling strange. When was the last time I shifted? I didn’t know. Thanks to the serum Ben Stone forced me to take because of the contract I signed, being a shifter felt like another life, like it wasn’t real to me.
I looked down at my hands and tried to imagine them as paws. I couldn’t. Shame instantly filled my body and my appetite suddenly vanished.
I couldn’t believe that I allowed someone to dictate what I did with my body.
If you hadn’t, your mom could be dead, a voice pointed out.
There wasn’t any way I could argue with that point so I decided to keep eating, even if my heart wasn’t exactly in it.
“You okay?”
Mather’s voice interrupted my thoughts. I blinked, surprised by the concern I detected in his voice.
“Uh, yeah,” I said, curling hair behind my ear. “Just not feeling one hundred percent.”
“Is there anything I can do for you?” he asked.
“Oh, no, but thank you. I’ll probably hang out in my room the whole day. Maybe visit my mom after lunch for a bit. Stuff like that. Nothing too intense.”
Mather pressed his lips together, nodding his head. “Okay,” he said. “If you change your mind, let me know. I’m here the whole day.”
I nodded, shoveling the food in my mouth as quickly as I could. When I finished, I thanked Carlos and headed back upstairs. I showered and then took it easy. That sick feeling didn’t leave me, even being hydrated, even being full. I had never felt like this before and I knew it was because of the fact that I hadn’t changed in a long time.
There was no actual rule about when to shift except when it came to the full moon. I liked to shift once a day, if not every other day. I liked to stretch my muscles, explore my freedom, and give into my other, more animalistic side. I didn’t have to hide who I was in order to appease anyone.
Try shifting now, a voice inside of me urged. What’s holding you back?
The voice had a point. There was no reason not to try. I went to my door and locked it. I didn’t know how I would react if I was successful since I had kept that part of me hidden away for so long. I wanted to make sure I was safe and Mather was safe. Granted, I hadn’t shifted in nearly a month. I didn’t know if I would be able to control myself as a shifter due to the fact that I hadn’t let out my inner-wolf in a while. But I would take every precaution that I could.
I glanced over to the window and wondered if maybe I should go outside where I knew I wouldn’t be able to hurt him, but stopped mys
elf. I was holding myself back and I knew it.
Come on, come on.
I stood in the middle of my room and shook out my arms, my legs, and then finally my neck. I rolled my shoulders back, closed my eyes, and then began to visualize myself shifting into a wolf.
I popped one eye open.
Nothing happened.
I frowned.
I blew out a breath and tried again. This time, I put some strain on my muscles, hoping to help them along.
No such luck.
I clenched my teeth together. I was starting to get frustrated.
Then, something popped into my head.
What if the ability to shift was now gone?
My mouth dropped open and I swallowed. What if the serum wasn’t to temporarily prevent me from shifting, but took away the ability completely.
I shook my head.
No. No way.
I would shift, goddammit. No matter what it took in me, I was going to shift.
I continued to try for what felt like a good hour, maybe even two. All I was doing was standing there, and yet I felt overheated and exhausted. Angry tears pricked my eyes and I immediately blinked them away. I would not, for one second, even allow myself to cry because I couldn’t shift. I was not going to let myself become a victim.
Instead, I curled my fingers into tights balls, shaking at my sides, and I let out a roar. I hadn’t actually meant to let myself roar. I hadn’t meant to make any noise at all. It just came out.
And yet, my muscles were moving and that familiar sense of peace washed over me as I dropped on all fours, my clothes coming off in shreds.
I looked down at my hands – they were now paws. I nearly laughed and it came out like a weird cross between a growl and a bark.
Not that it mattered.
I had shifted. I was a wolf again.
I sighed, contentment washing over me. I missed this. I could not believe I allowed someone to take that away from me.
Never again, I promised myself. I don’t care what it meant, I would not hide my true self away.
At that moment, someone pounded on the door. “Jade?”
Bound to Change: A Limited Edition Spring Shifter Romance Collection Page 81