Your Guilty Secret

by Rebecca Thornton

  A mother always knows best, I consoled myself, but the words faded in my mind. Pebbles, sinking into the deep black ocean.

  August 23rd 2018

  1200hrs

  ‘The perfect shot.’ Marco waved his camera around like it was a raffle prize. ‘I’ve got it. We’re done. Here, want to take a look?’

  We had both leaned over as he had pointed to the image, Ava, right in the middle, smiling. Matthew sat to the right of her, one hand on her shoulder, and the other arm around me.

  ‘Yeeha!’ said Matthew, rubbing his hands. ‘We look hot, hot, hot. Don’t we?’

  ‘Well, I hope it’s a nice photo,’ I said, looking at Manny.

  ‘Sure is. It’ll look great alongside my profile of you guys. We’ll use one of the frames that you don’t use for later.’

  ‘Fantastic,’ I said, hoping Ava hadn’t cottoned on to the fact that Manny was here to write about us. ‘Now is there anything else I can get you, Manny? Anything else you’d like to ask?’ In truth, I wanted him gone. ‘Because we’ll have to get ready soon for the press conference.’ I looked towards the door but he stayed right where he was and then he leaned forward to Ava.

  ‘You enjoy all this press stuff, little one?’ he asked. My skin started to burn, especially after I’d told him not to say why he was here. ‘Ava’s got to go do her home study now.’ I bustled everyone out the room. ‘Haven’t you, darling?’ But she just kept staring at the floor.

  ‘Oh, I’m sure she won’t mind putting that off, would you, Ava?’ He looked at her Tamagotchi. ‘You fed your pet today?’

  ‘Yes.’ She looked up and smiled. ‘He’s full now.’

  ‘Wow. You know something? I kept a Tamagotchi alive for months once.’

  ‘Seriously? That’s so cool.’ She handed him the plastic toy and pressed a few buttons. ‘Look. He makes this funny noise if I do that.’

  ‘That is mega cool,’ said Manny. ‘You know what, I bet you can’t be bothered to do your home study. How about you show me round your house? Your mommy already said I could. If there was time.’

  ‘Oh no. I’m sorry. It’s a bit late now. And Ava has to do her study, I’m afraid. Another time,’ I chipped in, trying to keep my voice controlled but before I could say another word, Ava had leaped up and grabbed Manny’s hand.

  ‘Please, can I? Please. Just before everyone gets here,’ and she turned to Manny and dragged him to the door. ‘Will you tell me more about your Tamagotchi pet?’

  ‘No, I’m sorry,’ I told them both. ‘I’ll have to escort you. It’s not that I don’t trust you, Manny, It’s just that—’

  ‘You don’t trust me. I get it,’ he laughed. ‘But this is all off-record. Unless, of course, there’s stuff you don’t want me to see.’

  ‘No, no. It’s not that.’ I thought about the indoor swimming pool. How I was no longer sure of what was going on in my own home. How I needed to be in control of who went where in my house. And I didn’t want Ava saying anything by mistake, after all, it hadn’t been long. But then Joan walked in.

  ‘I’ll take them both,’ she said, airing out a tea towel. ‘No problem, Lara. You get ready. I know you’ve got a lot on.’

  ‘Oh, Joan,’ all the earlier irritation receded, ‘are you are sure?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Please, remember her home study, though,’ I said. ‘She’s got to finish it before the announcement.’ Joan looked at me and frowned.

  I glanced over at Manny and widened my eyes.

  ‘Oh, sure,’ she said.

  ‘And wait.’ I grabbed Joan’s arm and pulled her towards me. ‘Not the swimming pool,’ I told her. ‘The indoor one. It hasn’t been cleaned this week. And don’t let Ava answer any intrusive questions,’ I said under my breath.

  ‘Of course, why do you think I’m going?’ Joan winked. ‘You get your make-up done. See you in a bit.’

  When Joan, Manny and Ava left the room, I switched off the music.

  ‘Everyone out,’ I shouted. ‘Now.’ Within two minutes the room was empty, apart from Matthew.

  I walked over to him, a tight smile on my face.

  ‘What the fuck,’ I hissed when I made sure that the last person had well and truly gone. ‘This has been planned for weeks.’

  ‘Listen, I’m sorry, sugar.’ He took both my hands in his and for a minute, I nearly melted. I was annoyed with myself for having been sucked in by his beauty. ‘I’m so sorry.’ He started stroking the fleshy part of my palms. ‘I promise it won’t happen again.’

  ‘You’re damn fucking right it won’t happen again.’ My voice was perfectly steady but the inside of my body felt like someone had set fire to it.

  ‘I went into the indoor-pool annexe,’ I told him, my voice quiet and hard. ‘Very interesting what I saw. And now everything makes sense. Some of the things you’ve told me. Some of the things I’ve pieced together. I get it now. Jesus Christ, Matthew.’

  ‘Oh God, Lara. I’m sorry.’ He pulled my hands up to his face. ‘I can explain.’ I looked around.

  ‘No. You aren’t to explain. You are never, ever, ever to speak of this in my house. Do you understand? I’m going to pretend I never knew.’

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘But, please, I need to speak to someone about it . . . I didn’t mean to . . . I had to – there’s a part of me that . . .’

  ‘Stop. If you mention it one more time, you and I are done.’ Then he got defensive.

  ‘Look, you don’t have a fucking hold over me,’ he started saying. ‘You don’t own me.’ He pushed his blond hair back and even after knowing him as long as I had, I was still struck by him.

  ‘We have a bigger problem. Ava was with me.’ I grabbed his hands, pulling him towards me. ‘She saw things she shouldn’t have done. You understand? Couldn’t you have been doing normal things that Hollywood actors do? Sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll? This, though? It’s fucked. More fucked than anything I’ve ever known. And the consequences? How can you live with yourself,’ I spat. He looked like he was going to cry but I carried on. ‘So you need to make it up. To both of us. You’d better be on time for the announcement.’

  ‘Oh God. OK,’ he said.

  ‘You do everything I say from now on,’ I told him. ‘Or . . .’

  ‘Or what? You’ll go to the press? Tell everyone everything?’ He put on a babyish voice.

  ‘Shut up.’ I raised my fists up to his chest. ‘Just shut up. Please. You still don’t understand. My daughter. I won’t have you . . .’

  ‘Don’t speak to me like that.’ He grabbed my shoulders and held me square to him.

  ‘I’ll speak to you how I please, do you know what’s at stake here?’ I turned and gestured my arm across the room and it was only when I looked round that I saw Joan by the door. Matthew and I both started.

  ‘Oh, Lara.’ She pretended to jump, ‘I just came back because I wanted to ask you what time you needed us back. That’s all,’ she said, but she was looking as though she might cry. She was pulling at the front strands of her hair, over and over, curling them into thin ropes.

  ‘Twenty minutes,’ I sang. ‘That’ll be fine.’ I turned my back.

  ‘OK.’ She narrowed her eyes at us before walking out of the room.

  ‘Look. I’m sorry, Lara.’ Matthew drew me in tight. ‘I’m sorry. This whole thing, it’s messed with my mind. So much. You can see, can’t you? The horrors of it. The nightmares. That’s why . . . that’s why. I can explain. Everything.’

  ‘No. Last time this is mentioned. Ever.’

  ‘Fine,’ he said. I thought he might explode, so I had to switch off every single emotion, to try and ensure that the atmosphere was calm. If I pretended all was fine, and that I was happy, all would be well.

  ‘OK, Matthew. All forgotten,’ I said, clapping my hands. ‘Let’s just make this fun, shall we?’ He looked pleased and relieved but inside I was still churning with anger, fear and shock.

  It was nearly another half an hour
before Joan, Ava and Manny returned. Ava and Manny were giggling and discussing real pets.

  ‘I would really like a toy poodle,’ said Ava. ‘They’re so cute but Mom worries about the hairs on the furniture.’

  ‘I would like a sloth,’ said Manny. ‘So it would make me feel less lazy.’ Ava threw her head back and laughed.

  ‘Hello, you three,’ I said as they came into the room.

  ‘Thanks for the tour,’ said Manny. ‘I’ll be off now. But just to let you know, you have quite the daughter there.’ He patted Ava on the shoulder. ‘You know that? You are one very cool little six-year-old.’

  ‘Oh, thank you.’ She grinned. ‘Will you come back another time?’

  ‘I sure can. If your mommy will have me.’

  She looked at me then and tugged at my arm.

  ‘Can he? Come back?’

  ‘Sure,’ I said, knowing full well I wouldn’t allow it but so relieved he’d managed to calm her down. Manny grabbed a denim jacket from the armchair where he’d left it.

  ‘By the way,’ he said, slinging it over his shoulders. He leaned forward and spoke right in my ear. ‘Your daughter.’ He looked over at Ava. ‘I meant what I said. Off-record.’ He laughed. ‘She’s a cool little cookie. You take good care of her.’

  ‘I will,’ I told him. ‘I will.’

  ‘No.’ He grabbed my arm. ‘I mean it. You’ve got something amazing there. Cherish her. She’s very close to her nanny, isn’t she? Called her Mommy by mistake.’ He said it with a slight laugh, but as soon as he said those words, my stomach dropped. If I reacted I’d look defensive. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be acknowledging Joan’s efforts and I’d look mean.

  ‘Joan. We couldn’t live without her. We really couldn’t.’ Even my teeth stung.

  ‘Well. Anyway’ – he waved – ‘just, you know, take good care. Ones like this don’t come along very often. Make sure you spend time with her.’ He held out his hand. ‘Thanks again for the access.’

  ‘No problem at all.’ I watched him leave the room, thinking about what he’d just said – how one damning piece could destroy everything – and then I felt enraged that he was judging me like this. How dare he. How dare he. I spent more than enough time with my daughter. I knew her from back to front. I knew the things that upset her. I knew that she was happiest in the garden whilst I sunbathed and read. I knew that she itched her nose three times before she went to sleep. I felt something swell inside me. I wanted to stop myself but before I could rationalise any of it, I had stepped right forward.

  ‘Wait,’ I called him back. ‘I’m a good mother, you know. I do spend time with her.’ I was aware I sounded desperate and needy but there wasn’t enough time to find another way into the conversation. ‘I’m a good parent. I single-handedly raised her to be who she is now. With Joan’s help, of course. And our housekeepers, Marcy and Rosa. And everyone around us. But it’s me. I am a good mother.’

  ‘Hey.’ He held up his hands. ‘Slow down, Lara King.’ He let out a long, slow exhale. ‘Hey, lady.’ He looked at me then, eyebrows meeting in the middle. ‘Cool it. I never said anything. I never said you were a bad mother.’

  I watched him walk out the door. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion. I hadn’t been able to charm him like I had with most of the others. One thing that I could control was people reacting well to me when they met me.

  God, we thought you’d be so, well . . . different, they’d say, searching for the right words. And then I’d make sure I pulled back a bit. Just enough that they didn’t think they could get too close. Or I’d signal to whoever was on security duty that day to step forward and move me away. Sorry, Lara’s got another meeting now. Thank you.

  But Manny – I thought about the inscrutable expression on his face. I wasn’t used to it – people not being taken by me. Yet he hadn’t done any of the other things that people normally do when they see me in real life.

  Even if they try and hide it, I can always detect something: a quickening of breath, a slight flush, a dart of tongue licking a lower lip. Or the way they pretend not to know anything about me. Ever so careful with what they say, should they give the game away. Play it cool, cucumber. It’s Lara King but I’m going to pretend I don’t care. But with Manny – with Manny, it was all too strange. None of that mattered. It felt like he could see right through me, deep into my bones. It scared me and I wanted him out of the house. The thought he could see all the things that I kept hidden.

  Lara King Official Website

  Status: Published

  August 26th 2018

  2045hrs

  My fans,

  This is truly the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to write. As I’m sure you all know, today, my daughter Ava went missing in Laurel Canyon. There has been no sighting of her since this morning. For those of you who follow us, and have supported us from the beginning, I know you will be finding this devastating.

  There have been many, many leads and for that, we are so, so grateful. Please – keep them coming. Click here for more details.

  The police have been doing an amazing job, although we’ve been told to keep details to a minimum, so officers can concentrate on the search for Ava because at the moment, we have no idea what’s happened to her. They’ve been following up every line of enquiry but until she’s found and safe with me at home, I won’t rest.

  Before I go any further, I wanted to set straight a few of the events from that day, so there will be no more speculation about what happened.

  Ava and I drove to Laurel Canyon. At that time, I made a phone call, during which Ava stopped and asked me if we could make a pit stop. I pulled over and she got out. I carried on my phone call. I know, already you must be thinking: stupid woman. I’m thinking it too, believe me.

  It was after some period of time that I realised Ava had been gone for too long. At this point I got out the car and tried to find my little girl. The pain and guilt I’m feeling is like nothing I’ve ever experienced, and I’m desperately sorry for what’s happened.

  I know that some of you may be thinking that I left my child. I was momentarily distracted. I should have gone with her. But it was a spare moment to finish my phone call, a chance to chat to someone without distraction, which as you know, can be all too difficult to do when we are constantly under pressure.

  But I just want to ask you one thing. Please. Don’t punish her for my wrongdoing. Please, don’t turn against us when she needs you the most.

  I know you miss her. I miss her.

  I miss her so very, very much. I need her back and she needs to be right here, home, with those who love her the most in the world.

  Yours, with all my love, hope and affection,

  Lara King

  England, July 2004

  I woke up, fragments of the night before flitting through my mind. White-trainers guy. I can change your life. The long walk home filled with hope and promise, propelling me forward step by step. I could still taste Red Bull, sweet and cloying in my mouth. I couldn’t bring myself to get up; my bedsit had no heating and I was shivering in my T-shirt. I reached over to the old wooden stool I’d found on a pavement among other rubbish, and grabbed the business card, turning it over and over in my hands. Ben Finn. Talent Management. It wasn’t until after lunch that I made the call. I’d dragged it out on purpose, ignoring the excitement billowing in my stomach.

  ‘It’s Lara,’ I said, when he answered. ‘From the nightclub.’ There was a silence on the line that made me think he’d hung up. ‘Hello?’ I said.

  ‘Hi. Sorry about that.’ I heard a whispering down the line. ‘I’m pleased you rang. I’m sorry if I freaked you out last night. I just wanted to speak to you. Properly. Not in those surroundings. Bloody awful club.’ He laughed. ‘Nice to meet you, Lara. Listen. You’ve got something. That’s what I wanted to tell you.’ I heard the click of a pen and then the scratch of lines on paper. ‘Look, loads of people can sing. It’s not just that. You’ve got something.
I can’t explain it. When you were singing. I couldn’t . . .’ He’d gone silent. ‘I couldn’t take my eyes off you. Not in that way, I have a fiancée, remember? I mentioned it last night. I’m not interested in you like that. It was something else. A quality.’ I had gone quiet too, my cheeks flooded with heat. ‘Anyway, there’s a singing competition soon,’ he said. ‘That’s what I was trying to explain to you in the club. I just couldn’t focus. With all that noise. Idolz. It’s new. On ITV. It’s going to be big. I want to put you forward, Lara. I sat listening that whole time you were with your mate. So would you be up for it?’

  ‘I guess so.’ I shrugged but pressed the handset tight to my face and my surroundings took on a dream-like quality.

  ‘Right. OK.’ He’d slowed his voice down. ‘Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,’ he added, as though he’d read my mind.

  ‘I’m not,’ I snapped, bringing myself back to reality but he didn’t seem to be listening.

  ‘So, let’s get sorted. After we’ve had an initial meeting and gone over contracts, all that kind of thing, we’ll need to work on your story.’ I took a deep breath. ‘We need to be quick. Deadline for application is soon. So start thinking about it. Your narrative. Before I start filling out all the forms. The producers like that kind of thing. For example, is there anything I need to know about? From your past? It’ll come out, if you get through. I don’t know much about the format yet but my contact at the production company says they’re trying to make it quite personal. Get the audience hooked on each contestant. That kind of thing.’

  ‘You can tell them that I have a happy life,’ I started. ‘We aren’t well off or anything. We don’t have much. Tell them that I want to make good of myself.’

  ‘You aren’t well off?’ he asked. ‘I need to make them really sit up – give you the whole Cinderella backstory.’

  ‘Fine,’ I told him. ‘Go the whole hog. Tell them that I suffered badly when I was a child. That my parents are really excited about this. You know what to write, surely.’ I was getting carried away, thinking about how I could become the nation’s poster girl for turning my life around. London being paved with gold. That I am ‘just an ordinary girl who has made it and look, so can you’.