by Lea Coll
Luke’s eyes softened at the mention of Rylan. “It’s a great idea but some of the officers involved in Dennis’s investigation were pissed when Sadie wouldn’t come forward. They might be hesitant to participate.”
“The fundraiser supports the studio, its students, and the local organization. I expect you can get them on board.”
Luke tipped his beer and took a long sip before adding, “I’ll do my best. I just hope you know what you’re doing.”
I did too. The only noise was the popping of the fire and the wind swaying the branches on the trees.
“Are you meeting any single moms at dance class?” Luke smirked.
“Ha. No.” I already found someone who intrigued me and occupied all of my thoughts but she wasn’t a single mom.
“You’ve been working closely with Sadie. You had dinner with her. Is anything going on?”
“I don’t know.” I enjoyed her company. I was physically attracted to her. I was intrigued by her, but was I romantically interested in her? There was a certain amount of chaos surrounding Sadie. Was I doomed to be attracted to women who brought chaos into my life? Did I want that for Rylan?
Sadie
The night after Tanner invited me to his house for dinner, I passed several large bags of leaves and yard waste lined up on the curb as I pulled into his driveway in my beat-up car. I could picture Tanner raking leaves while Rylan jumped into the piles. It wasn’t something I’d ever experienced, but I’d observed other children playing in the leaves with their parents in my neighborhood growing up.
I closed the door to my car and walked up the winding sidewalk to the front door, the smell of freshly cut grass and neatly trimmed bushes a stark contrast to my house. I didn’t have time for yard maintenance, so the leaves covered the yard until they eventually destroyed the grass underneath. One day I’d make a home for myself and things like yard work would be something I took pride in.
I texted Tanner from his porch to let him know I’d arrived. I didn’t want to ring the doorbell and wake up Rylan if she was already asleep. And I wasn’t sure he intended for me to see Rylan tonight. Teaching his daughter at the studio was one thing, but I doubted he’d want Rylan to know he had a woman over. When I was a child, Mom’s boyfriends coming and going was confusing for me. I didn’t know why the men were there—if they friends or if one day they’d be a father-figure, but it didn’t matter—no one was around long.
After a few seconds, Tanner pulled open the door and Rylan skidded by on the wood floor in her stocking feet. Tanner’s face was sheepish as he immediately stepped back so I could come in. He wore work-out pants and a T-shirt with the words Kent County Sheriff’s Department across the chest. I closed the door behind me.
“Sadie!” Rylan squealed before she launched herself at me. “You’re going to love the lasagna we made.”
“I am?” I smiled at the pride in her voice as I looked up at Tanner. “You cooked?”
His cheeks were tinged pink—was he embarrassed?
Rylan grabbed my hand and dragged me down the hall past a guest bathroom and an open concept kitchen with dark wood cabinets and a large island covered with gray granite. The kitchen led into a sunken family room where a wood fire crackled in the stone fireplace. The lights were dim. It was warm, cozy, and intimate.
“We used Grandma’s recipe. It was a lot of work and I got to help. And it was sooo good.”
From the expectant look on her face, I thought she wanted me to eat while she waited, so I moved to take one of the plates piled on the counter.
“She’ll eat but you need to go to bed,” Tanner said to Rylan.
“Do I have to? I want to spend time with Miss Sadie.”
It felt good that someone—even if she was a child—wanted to spend time with me.
Tanner smiled. “She’s here to see me, not you.”
A sharp pang of longing in my chest had me gripping the countertop tightly. What would it be like to date him? To be wanted by him? To be included in family dinners and participate in bedtime routines?
“I’ll take her up and be back in a few minutes,” Tanner said to me before he turned to Rylan. “Want a piggyback ride?”
“Yes!” Rylan climbed onto his back.
They were close. She’d tested him but he’d created boundaries for her. He was firm but loving. It was hard not to feel a sense of loss that I didn’t have a father and my grandfather was no longer in my life.
“Can Miss Sadie read me a book?” Rylan asked.
Tanner’s eyes met mine. I wasn’t sure he’d want me to interfere in such a personal moment. “Sure. If Sadie doesn’t mind.”
“I don’t.” My voice was soft. That sharp pang I felt when Tanner said I was here to see him expanded in size and made it difficult to draw a breath. I followed them up the steps as Tanner made her piggyback ride fun, bouncing up the stairs, and pretending to drop her at the top.
Rylan was squealing and giggling by the time he deposited her in her room, which was immaculate. Everything was in its place. No toys or blocks were strewn on the floor. All the books were stacked neatly on a shelf. Her bed had been made with military precision. Did Rylan keep it like this or was it Tanner?
The waiting room at the studio always looked like a tornado went through it after the kids left. I couldn’t imagine Rylan keeping her room this clean. When I’d suggested either he or Rylan’s mother volunteer at the studio, he’d acted like Rylan’s mother wasn’t someone they could rely on. Was this a way for Tanner to keep her life predictable and stable?
“Pajamas and brush your teeth if you want Miss Sadie to read you a story before she passes out from hunger.”
“Oh, I can wait. I had a granola bar earlier.” Rylan darted across the hall, presumably into the bathroom. An electric toothbrush sounded a second later. I remained standing, not wanting to sit on the perfectly made bed.
“You don’t have to read if you don’t want to.” Tanner’s eyes darted from me to the bathroom, where Rylan was getting ready.
“I’d love to.”
Tanner’s eyes softened as Rylan bounced back into the room wearing dog-print pajamas. “I’m ready!”
Tanner lifted the comforter for her to slide in and arranged her stuffed animals just so. “You still want Miss Sadie to read to you?”
Rylan’s sparkling eyes met mine as she patted a spot next to her on the bed. “Yes.”
I settled into the spot next to her. She sunk into my side and rested her head on my shoulder. The warmth of her body against mine slowly seeped through me. “Which book?”
“Dragons Love Tacos.” She leaned over and pulled the book out from under the bed.
“Oh, I know this one.” Kristen had this one in the waiting room and I used it to read to a child if they were nervous about entering class. It usually worked to ease their nerves.
Tanner leaned his shoulder against the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes soft as he watched us.
I felt a little self-conscious reading in front of him. I wasn’t sure if Rylan expected me to change my voice or not, but soon I got lost in the feel of Rylan’s body snuggling up to mine. She stopped me frequently to point out the funny parts—the pant-loads of tacos, the boy burying the salsa in the backyard, and finally the party where the salsa jar’s label said—now made with spicy jalapeno peppers. Rylan erupted into giggles and I smiled as my eyes met Tanner’s amused ones over her head. The coziness of the moment—the shared giggles—I never wanted it to end.
When she finally quieted, we finished the book. “Do you breathe fire when you eat spicy salsa?”
Rylan shot me a disgusted look. “I don’t eat spicy salsa.”
“No?”
She shook her head, adamantly.
“It’s my turn.” Tanner moved from his position against the door to stand next to the bed.
I dropped a kiss on her forehead. “Good night, sweet girl.”
“Night. Miss Sadie. Thank you for reading to me.”
“Any tim
e.” I flushed and wondered if I’d overstepped by kissing his daughter, but when I stood he squeezed my shoulder as I slid past him, my chest brushing him, causing a full-body tingle.
I left them alone and wandered back down the steps to the kitchen. Before I could decide whether to grab a plate and a slice of lasagna, Tanner’s heavy footsteps sounded on the wooden steps as he made his way back downstairs and into the kitchen, and my heart picked up in anticipation that we’d be alone together.
“Thank you for doing that.”
“Oh, it was my pleasure.” How could I explain to him that other than the few moments with my dance students, I’d never had a moment like the one in his daughter’s room? No one read me bedtime stories. I couldn’t remember cuddling up to my mom. The fond memories I had of spending time with my grandparents were marred with worry that Mom wouldn’t want me anymore and that she’d leave me with my grandparents.
He circled the island, braced his hands on the countertop, and studied me as my face heated. “You’re good with kids.”
I licked my suddenly dry lips. “Yeah, I had no idea until I started teaching dance. I’d never really been around little kids before—I’m an only child.”
“Teaching dance is a good fit for you.” Our gazes held for a second and then he turned to pull the casserole dish out of the oven—the smell of lasagna filling the kitchen.
“Thanks for cooking dinner. You didn’t have to.”
“I try and cook dinner every night. I like to make something nutritious for Rylan, but my cooking skills are pretty limited.” He was quiet for a few seconds and then said, “This is the first time I’ve attempted something this complicated.”
Warmth spread through my chest that he and Rylan planned and prepared a meal for me. I sat on the barstool as he plated a slice of lasagna, a garlic roll, and a bowl of salad and set it all in front of me.
He started to plate his food when he stopped. “I almost forgot. Did you want a glass of wine?”
Was that a good idea? I was already loose lipped around him without adding alcohol to the mix. But the idea of having a glass of wine and relaxing was too good to pass up. When was the last time I’d been out with friends, a date, anything? It must have been when I lived in Baltimore—that seemed so long ago. “Sure, I’d love some.”
“Red?”
I nodded and took a bite of the still-warm lasagna. The noodles were soft, and the cheese melted just right. I moaned. “This is so good. I’m impressed.”
Tanner’s eyes darkened as he poured wine into my glass. “I’m glad you like it.”
I chewed and swallowed, feeling self-conscious at the intimate setting. “Did you want to talk about the dance-a-thon?”
He slid onto the barstool next to me, his legs spread wide, and his knee brushed mine. “Not particularly. But we can talk about whatever you want.”
It was getting hotter in here and more difficult to breathe, but he didn’t move his leg from mine. Did he realize we were touching? Was it intentional or was I reading too much into it? Desperate to cover the fact that my breath was ragged, I said, “I thought you wanted to discuss how things went with Jack and Luke to pull in their departments and host a joint fundraiser.”
“It went fine.”
I paused my fork halfway to my mouth and turned to look at him. “Really?”
A muscle in his jaw ticked and I knew he wasn’t telling me everything.
“Thank you for getting everyone on board.” I kept my tone light to cover my anxiety. If Tanner had talked to Luke about me—he’d tell him everything he knew about Dennis. The investigating officers weren’t happy with my lack of cooperation, but I wasn’t sure how much of that frustration trickled down to the newer officers.
I didn’t want to ask what Luke said because it would open the door to more questions and I wasn’t ready.
As we ate in silence, I let the warmth and comfort of his kitchen and home settle over me. Rylan’s colorful drawings decorated the fridge, along with her school lunch menu and class schedule. Her room was so neat and organized but this area wasn’t as tidy. Toys overflowed from the bins in the family room and end tables were covered in coloring pages and books.
It had been so long since I’d been in someone else’s home. In law school, I studied at fellow students’ apartments, but I wasn’t particularly close to anyone. It was a habit to hold the pieces of myself back. And their places hadn’t felt like this—like a family lived there—one that was full of love.
I finished eating and pushed the plate away. Did he want to move to the living room and talk about the specifics of the fundraiser?
“You done?” he asked, getting up to rinse off the dishes.
“Thank you for dinner. It was really good and I can’t remember the last time I had a home-cooked meal.” Certainly not one I hadn’t made myself.
“I’m glad you liked it.” He smiled, his blue eyes twinkling.
If only my life were different, or maybe if we’d met in another town or city, this could be the start of something. But meeting in Chestertown—we didn’t stand a chance. There were too many memories and hard feelings.
I took my glass to the sink. “Do you want me to put the lasagna in a leftover container?”
He winked. “No, it will just take me a minute to clean up. Have a seat in the family room and relax.”
I reluctantly sat on his couch while he cleaned the counter with a washcloth and put the lasagna into plastic containers and stacked them neatly in his fridge.
Turning toward the family room, he grimaced. “Sorry for the mess.”
“That’s okay. You have a child and you’re a single parent.”
“I’m not supposed to be. I share custody with Bree, but lately, she’s not taking Rylan per the schedule.” Tanner’s voice was resigned as he moved the books to the built-in shelves bordering the fireplace and shoved all the toys into their respective bins before he sat on the sectional a few feet from me.
“I’m sorry. That must be difficult. Do you know why?” I remembered what family cases were like when I’d worked at Gunner. They were trying for everyone involved, but especially the children stuck in the middle.
He sighed and was silent for a few seconds like he was trying to gather his thoughts. “I think Bree’s mixing prescription pills and alcohol, but I have no proof. The last time I called to tell her she was late picking up Rylan, she was slurring words and there were loud noises in the background like she was at a bar.”
My heart ached for Rylan. I’d witnessed the effects of alcohol firsthand and I didn’t want her exposed to it. “What matters is that she has you.”
He leaned back and studied me. “Don’t you think Rylan needs two involved parents?”
“Ideally, sure, but that’s not the reality for a lot of kids. If she has one adult who’s an amazing parent, a role model, then she’ll be fine.” I’d had my grandparents for a time. They gave me hope—they allowed me to see that my home life wasn’t healthy. That there was a way out eventually. They had encouraged me to study and get good grades so I could go to college and have a different life than my mother. They’d supported me until they abandoned me like everyone else.
He shifted, so his elbows rested on his knees as he examined me closely. “Why does it seem like you know something about this?”
I wasn’t ready to tell him about my mother—not the drinking or her debt—but maybe revealing some of my past would help him. “My mother was a single parent, but she wasn’t involved or attentive.”
For a few months, I had thought Dennis was going to be something more than my mother’s boyfriend. He made sure I had food to eat and helped me with my homework. It felt good until I realized his interest was in something else entirely.
I had to look away from Tanner because the concern I saw in his eyes wasn’t something I was used to.
“I can’t imagine what that was like. I guess I was lucky to have two amazing parents.”
“If my mom were there for me
the way you are for Rylan, it would have made a difference.” I almost hated the sound of longing in my voice—the need. I didn’t want her to affect me anymore.
“Thank you for saying that. That does make me feel better.”
A shiver ran through my body at the look in his eyes—concern and understanding but also respect and admiration. It was a heady feeling. I wanted to trust him. “For a while, I had my grandparents. They made up for times when my mom focused on whoever her boyfriend was at the time.”
“Are you still close with them?”
I flinched at the pain of that loss—their steady presence in my life and then nothing. When I’d asked, my mom said we couldn’t count on anyone—we only have each other. “No, they stopped coming around.”
“Maybe you should reach out to them?”
“Yeah, maybe.” They stopped coming by after the assault, so I’d assumed it was me they were disappointed in, but I didn’t want to admit that to Tanner. The pain was too raw and somehow he managed to pull things out of me that I never talked about or divulged to anyone. I needed to change the subject before the lump in my throat turned into tears. “You’re a police officer, isn’t there anything you can do about Bree?”
The concern on his face instantly changed to one of frustration. “I talked to my attorney about petitioning for full custody, but there has to be a material change in circumstances since the last adjudication—a few missed visitations aren’t enough. If she left Rylan somewhere by herself, you know, forgot about her, then we’d have grounds. If she had a conviction for a DUI, she’d have a record and we’d have something to work with. Right now, she’s a mom who can explain away her absences—she was late, she was busy, or she forgot. She won’t let it happen again. He told me to document everything in the meantime, so we’ll have a record of her behavior.”
My heart broke for him. He was such a good caring dad. How would a father-figure in my life have made a difference? I’d had my grandfather for a few years, but I could have used his continued support through college and law school when I’d had no one. “That’s a touchy situation. The one thing that has to happen is the one thing you’d never want your daughter exposed to.”