by Lea Coll
“Yes.”
Anger slowly traveled through my body, making my voice hard. “The fact that I was never charged with a crime and I was the victim won’t matter? I’ve never abused or neglected a child. I teach dance to little kids.” The little voice in my head reminded me that parents did have issues with me teaching dance to their kids. Maybe I was a bad influence. Despair filled my lungs, making it difficult to draw a deep breath and tears dotted my vision.
Tanner rolled his shoulders and his eyes filled with such raw emotion I couldn’t take in a deep breath. “I don’t know what to do. I keep going back and forth between what’s right for Rylan, for you, and our relationship. I’m not saying I agree with him, but Steve thinks it could be an issue with the judge, especially with the newspaper article.”
My anger deflated, leaving me feeling adrift. I’d never have control of my own life—I’d always be affected by Dennis Moore. “I would never come between you and what’s right for Rylan.”
His face was resigned and his body slumped as if he was weighed down by this decision. I’d never seen him like this—defeated.
He’d always been the one to support me, to encourage me, but it was as if he’d given up.
I’d never escape my past. Thoughts filtered through my head and landed on the only possible solution. “I’ll step back. When that article came out, I thought about moving anyway.”
I’d changed my mind but now that I was losing Tanner I couldn’t stay here. I couldn’t watch Tanner move on with someone who would be an acceptable mother figure for Rylan.
“What do you mean you were planning to move anyway?” His voice lowered to a cool tone and he shifted on the couch, so he was leaning on his elbows toward me.
“That was my plan before I met you. Move out of Raina’s, save money, and leave this town. Then I had you and thought I could stay, and things would get better. But you know I’ll hurt your chances of getting sole custody of Rylan. Leaving is the right thing to do. Let me do the right thing for once, since all I’ve done in the past is the wrong thing.” Even the idea of walking away from Tanner and Rylan felt like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest.
“I thought you were planning on forever with me.” His voice was measured and quiet as if he said it too loud, I’d crush him with my response.
“I was, but how is that possible? Your attorney said it wasn’t a good idea for us to ever be together. I can’t do that to you. I can’t bring you down like I have everyone else in my life. You deserve better.”
Tanner shook his head as if to clear it, straightened, and squared his shoulders. “You’re an attorney. Think rationally about this. What have you done that would prevent me from being awarded sole custody of Rylan?”
I tried to clear my head of my initial feelings of despair and hopelessness so I could focus on it from a legal standpoint. I advised my clients when there was a prejudice or bias for or against them based on their record, their actions on the scene, their past, and this was no different. “It doesn’t look good, Tanner.”
“I know it doesn’t look good but what did you do? Luke suggested that you speak to the town, either in print, in person—whatever you’re comfortable with. Tell people the truth about what happened like you did tonight. Let them see what you’re struggling with and what you went through. Tell people you didn’t do anything wrong.”
My attraction to him was based on his steady support of me and my decision not to speak after the assault. Now he was asking me to do the opposite, to speak in front of the town—the people who’d ridiculed my decisions. I felt unsteady.
“What I did tonight was anonymous. I didn’t intend to tell everyone.” But I had, hadn’t I? Wasn’t this the first step in healing—in putting all of this behind me? I just didn’t like it being forced on me.
“I know,” he said gently. “But will you stand and fight with me?”
His words surged through my body, powerful and intoxicating. He wanted me. He wanted me to stay and help him, just like I needed his help. “Are you sure you don’t want me to leave? To at least step back?”
“No.” His voice was strong and clear.
“Even though it would make everything easier?”
“I don’t want easy. I want you and Rylan. I want to stand with you and fight this. I want it over and done. I might not get sole custody but maybe the judge will award supervised visitation and alcohol testing for Bree.”
“He might.” Judges could do whatever they wanted—it was the reason I advised family law clients in my last job to negotiate an agreement before court. He could award custody to Bree if there was no evidence of her abuse of alcohol and he concluded I was the bad influence, not her. There were no guarantees.
“I don’t want Bree eliminated from Rylan’s life. I want safety and security for Rylan, a healthy mom in Bree, and you. I want you by my side. I want you holding Rylan’s hand.”
I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. It was everything I was too scared to hope for. “Are you being serious? You want to risk your case for a chance to have Rylan and me?”
He smiled, a glint in his eye. “I’d never joke about this. I want you to know that you have more people in your corner than you think. You have my friends, my family, everyone who watched you speak tonight, you have Luke, the sheriff’s department.”
The earlier glow from that realization flared to life again. “It’s all because of you. You’re the one that made this possible. That made me want to come forward. You made me brave.”
His hand covered mine as it rested on the table between us. “I like to think we make each other better. It would be easy for you to walk away but I want you to do the hard thing with me.”
“It wouldn’t be easy to leave you and Rylan.” I didn’t think I could have done it, but I would have.
“I’m not asking you to. I’m asking you to stand and fight. Will you?”
Was Tanner worth facing my fears? The hard stuff I’d run and hidden from all of my life? “Yes.”
“Are you comfortable telling your story before the motions hearing?”
An anonymous Al-Anon meeting and the entire town were completely different, but how badly did I want this to work with Tanner? “I could do it. As long as you’re standing by my side.”
“Absolutely. I’ll be right next to you.”
“Have you discussed this plan with your attorney?” I had a sinking feeling he wouldn’t agree with this. I tried to separate myself from the situation and analyze it solely as an attorney, and it was risky. Eliminating me from the equation was the obvious solution.
He hesitated before responding. “Not yet.”
A tingle of fear traveled down my spine. What if he convinced Tanner he was making a mistake? Tanner was grasping onto anything he could use to get what he wanted but sometimes you didn’t get everything. I knew that better than anyone. No matter what happened, I’d walk away if it looked like he was going to lose the custody battle. I wouldn’t come between him and Rylan. He’d end up resenting me in the end.
Tanner
She wasn’t going to leave me. Relief flooded my system, making me lightheaded. Whatever happened—we’d face it together. “How do you want to tell people? You could write a letter to the paper?”
“Things come across differently in print. They wouldn’t see if I was sincere, and I’m a trial attorney, not a writer.”
“Luke said he’d be willing to provide security if you wanted to do a press conference.”
She shuddered. “I don’t think I could face everyone in town. All those people who’d talked behind my back over the years. No, what about a small segment on the local news? With the anniversary, they might be interested in a new angle instead of rehashing the same story.”
“That’s a great idea. Let me make some calls to handle it. We have media contacts at the department. Are you sure you’re okay with this?” I knew Sadie’s initial instinct would be to take a step back—to protect Rylan, to protect me, but
the thought of her leaving my life forever was inconceivable. It was better to stand together, but I was even more surprised that Sadie agreed. I was so proud of her. She’d come a long way from the girl I first met who seemed scared of my badge.
I glanced at my phone, where a stream of missed text messages sat unread from my mom. I quickly scanned through them, my stomach dropping with each word. “My mom said Bree came to the house, pounding on the door, and yelling she wanted to have Rylan anytime she wanted as her mother. She left, but she thought she was drunk and might come back.”
“Has she ever done this before?”
“No.”
“Maybe she was served with the motion to modify custody and she’s upset.”
“My attorney sent the motion for modification to her attorney’s office with a letter indicating that we’d be adhering strictly to the schedule and if I determined her to be under the influence, I wouldn’t leave Rylan with her.”
“This is her reaction to that.”
I stood. “I need to go. I want to be there if she shows up again. I don’t want my parents handling her on their own.”
“Of course. If she keeps showing up unannounced at times other than her visitation allows, you might need to make a police report.”
How had I ever thought it would be better not to have this woman at my side? I held out my hand to her and pulled her against me. “I love you, Sadie Cole.”
Her eyes were soft and filled with emotion. “I love you.”
I knew it would be hard on her, but I’d be with her every step of the way. I just hoped that would be enough.
Sadie
Bree, who’d been mostly absent from Rylan’s life when I met Tanner, was actively involved with the custody case. Maybe this was a wake-up call for her. Her attorney immediately filed a counter-motion for modification of custody, and a request for an emergency hearing. I had a horrible feeling it was because of me. She or her attorney thought they had enough dirt on me to sway the judge’s opinion. It was a small town and things like reputation mattered. The hearing was scheduled for the next week and the closer it got, the sicker I felt.
Tanner: Still with my lawyer. Sorry, I can’t be there to set up.
I sighed at the text from Tanner. We had a couple of hours before people started arriving for the dance-a-thon. I grabbed the box of decorations from my car and headed into the fire hall, where Kristen was already working. Hopefully, Tanner would make it before the dancing started.
“How are you doing with all of this?” Kristen asked, standing on a ladder as I handed her one of the winter wonderland disco balls we’d found online.
“Um. Not sure. I think it’s a bad idea to stick around but Tanner wants me here.” I just hoped I didn’t ruin his chances at custody. What if the judge decided I was such a bad influence Tanner couldn’t have custody at all?
Kristen’s lips were drawn into a straight line as she carefully hung the light. “I don’t know. It’s tough to know what the outcome will be.”
“You never know what’s going to happen in court and once a decision is made there has be a significant change before you can request a modification again.”
“Is Tanner considering that?” Kristen stepped off the ladder and we moved it to another spot to hang another light.
“He’s insistent that something be done about Bree’s drinking problem. He wants supervised visitation or alcohol testing, and she’s fighting any attempts at settlement.”
“Can they force her to have alcohol testing?” Kristen stopped to look down at me.
“Yes, and it’s the only way to know for sure what’s going on with her unless she screws up and gets a DUI. We’d have a much stronger case if she had a criminal record or proof that drinking was affecting her job and life. The judge did order psychological testing on both parents before the hearing.” It was standard in contested custody cases, and I hoped it showed Tanner was more stable than Bree.
“But she could lie and act like everything’s fine.” Kristen resumed hanging the light.
“That’s true.” I worried Tanner didn’t have enough at this point to get custody and at the same time, I worried that Bree did. I’d never forgive myself if the judge ruled in her favor. I chewed my lip, torn on whether it was a good idea to talk to Kristen, but I wanted someone else’s opinion on it and Kristen had proven to be a good friend.
“Tanner wants me to make a statement about the sexual assault case. He wants me to tell my side.”
Kristen stopped what she was doing to look down at me—her eyes wide. “Are you going to?”
“I promised him I would.”
“It could be good. Maybe people will finally stop speculating.”
“Maybe.”
“When you’re silent, people think whatever they want. They assume the worst.”
I didn’t answer because she was right. All I could do was tell the truth.
We finished decorating the hall as a winter wonderland and I made sure the tables were set up for the food that the dance parents were supposed to bring. I double-checked the sign-up to make sure everything was covered. I repeatedly checked the time and wondered if Tanner would be done soon.
The feeling that it wouldn’t work out in Tanner’s favor stayed in the front of my mind making me jittery and on edge. I went home to my apartment to get dressed in a simple black dress and heels. I wasn’t sure when Tanner would be finished with the meeting with his attorney and I needed to return to the fire hall to check people in as they arrived.
After an hour of checking people in, I headed inside the hall to see people dancing, eating, and a few sitting in chairs. The fire department and police department were in attendance—police officers in their uniforms and the firefighters in their department-issued polo shirts and dress slacks.
Robin Bray sat at the Kent County Drug and Alcohol Council’s table, speaking with a few other volunteers. I hoped she wouldn’t make a scene tonight—not when this event supported an organization she was involved in.
At the pledge tables, Emma was the first to sign up to dance with Luke, and Samantha signed up to dance with Jack—officially kicking off the evening for others to pledge a dance. The kids were fascinated and peppered the first responders with questions about their jobs. I chuckled when one asked about a firehouse dog and another asked if they rode down the firepole when they got a call. It helped to ground me while I waited.
Finally, Tanner walked in with Rylan, his face grim. I immediately walked over to greet them. The worry simmering in the back of my mind intensified. I wanted to ask how it went but it wasn’t the time or place—not with Rylan listening.
“You want to dance?” I asked Rylan.
“Yes, my grandparents sponsored me.” She showed me her dance card, where her grandparents had pledged money for each dance.
“That’s awesome. Come on.” I held out my hand to her. “You can dance with your dad next, okay?”
“Okay.” She smiled up at me as I spun her around, her purple dress twirling around her.
“Again, Again!” Her giggle warmed my heart as I spun her again and again. I wanted more special times like this with her. It already felt like she was partially mine and I couldn’t imagine giving her up.
When the song ended, she ran back to Tanner and jumped into his arms. He smiled, but it was strained. Had his attorney convinced him to let me go? My heart thudded painfully in my chest. He let Rylan down and she ran to dance with some friends.
“Are you okay?” I wanted to reach out to him and touch his arm and pull him close. I wanted to comfort him and tell him everything was going to be okay, but I didn’t know that it was.
“I will be.” His jaw set.
“Your attorney doesn’t like our plan.” My voice sank with each word I’d dreaded hearing in the last few days.
Tanner was quiet.
I tried to remain calm and not panic. “Look, we can still change tactics. We don’t have to go through with it.”
“T
hat’s not it.” His jaw was so tight he must be grinding his teeth in frustration.
“Then what is it? I’m fine with backing off.”
“I know you are, but I don’t want you to. I don’t even want to hear you offer it again.” His eyes finally met mine—they were pleading, but hard.
He didn’t want me to go. I let those words and the love for me in his eyes wrap me in a warm cocoon. I wrapped my hand around his flexed bicep, pulling close to him, his body rigid with tension. “It will work out.”
It had to. If I left, I’d lose Tanner and Rylan and if I stayed the judge could rule in Bree’s favor and I’d still lose them. My heart fluttered in my chest and my breathing was unsteady. I couldn’t get over the dread in my stomach that this wasn’t going to end well for us. Tanner didn’t understand that things never went in my favor and he’d just directly aligned himself with me. It was the worst move he could have made.
“Incoming,” Tanner said, drawing my attention to Robin Bray, who’d left the charity table and was walking toward me, purpose in her step, her hands fisted at her side, and fire in her eyes.
“I cannot believe you’re here,” Annabelle’s mom hissed as she stopped in front of us. Her eyes darted from Tanner back to me.
My ears burned hot and my chest tightened as I kept my voice low and stood straighter. I didn’t want another confrontation like the one at the bakery—with everyone watching. “I teach dance at the studio. I organized the event.”
Robin opened her mouth to speak but Tanner interrupted her before she could respond, “Maybe we could have this conversation outside.”
“That’s a good idea,” I said, hoping she would follow suit.
Tanner gestured for Robin to precede him out a side door and after a beat she complied. Once we were in the empty hallway, I exchanged a look with Tanner, and he nodded. Robin deserved to hear the truth—and maybe it would help her grieve and move on.