by Lea Coll
My attorney laughed. “You think anyone cares that she feels bad? No, all that matters is that her track record is deplorable.”
“Everyone makes mistakes, and her record is clean.”
“Her reputation is not clean and everyone in a small town will know a little of what I’ve just said. They’ll know she’s bad news. I agree she has the right to make mistakes as long,” he paused seemingly for effect, “as she’s not associated with you.”
I took in a deep breath. “What are you saying? I need to break up with her?”
“That would be ideal.” His voice was grim.
“Fuck man. That’s not—I can’t. I can’t do that to her.”
Steve placed his pen down on the legal pad, placed his elbows on the desk, and leaned closer to me. “Do you think she’d want you to lose this custody battle? Doesn’t she want what’s best for you and for Rylan? I have to say if the answer’s no, then you shouldn’t be dating her anyway.”
“She does want to do what’s right, but she’s been hurt so many times before.” I dropped my head into my hands. He was making me choose between Rylan and Sadie and there was no contest.
“So, what? Is this girl worth Bree maintaining joint custody of Rylan? Or exposing her to whatever she’s doing at her house—drinking, drugs, driving under the influence? Who knows who she’s hanging around with—exposing your daughter to. Look what happened to Sadie—her mom had alcohol in the house, a sketchy boyfriend, and a girl was sexually assaulted. Are you willing to risk Rylan’s safety?”
A chill ran down my spine. I’d never thought about the parallels between Sadie’s upbringing and Bree. “I don’t want to, but I don’t understand how—”
“You can’t have it both ways. Bree is going to take advantage of your association with Sadie. Her attorney is Sadie’s boss, the one she lied to, the one who fired her, Richard Gunner. He’s going to use this situation to make his client look better. It’s what I would do if I were representing her.”
He was right. But I knew without a doubt if I broke up with Sadie—no matter the reason—she’d view me as one more person giving up on her. She wouldn’t argue with me, she wouldn’t beg me not to do it. She’d do what was right for Rylan and me—she’d walk away without a fight.
She said repeatedly I was the only person who’d ever supported her. If I walked away from her, what would she have left? What was holding her here if she didn’t have me? Would her grandparents’ support be enough, or would she finally leave town to escape her reputation?
This morning had been perfect. How could everything have changed so drastically?
“You don’t have a choice. You have to do this for Rylan.”
“Fuck.” I had no words. My heart was split in two—one side was my daughter and the other was the love of my life. Which one was more important? Why did I have to choose? This entire situation was Bree’s fault.
“Think about it, but I don’t see any way around this. If you aren’t dating Sadie, then Bree’s attorney can’t question you about her. She’s irrelevant because she won’t be around your daughter, she won’t be watching your daughter, and she won’t be teaching your daughter. And I don’t mean until this custody hearing is over, I mean until custody is no longer an issue.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “Sadie can’t even be her dance teacher? Are you saying I can’t date Sadie until Rylan’s eighteen?”
“Once Rylan’s in your sole custody and doing well, it will be harder for Bree to file a motion to modify. There needs to be a material change in circumstance.”
“And your saying Sadie is the material change in circumstance?”
“If you start dating her, it could be.”
“I need to break up with Sadie forever.” My voice was resigned, but I couldn’t do it. Sadie was coming over tonight and I couldn’t hide this from her. I wouldn’t. Not when it involved her. We could discuss it and come up with a plan together, but I knew Sadie—she wouldn’t do anything to hurt Rylan. She’d remove herself from the equation. If that meant leaving Chestertown, she’d do it.
“I’ll walk over and file the motion to get the ball rolling. You have a few days to think over what we talked about, but remember if you date Sadie, your case is severely weakened. With it being the tenth anniversary, the assault is fresh in everyone’s minds and people are still frustrated she never came forward. There’s been one article in the paper already that sparked several op-ed letters—none of them particularly flattering.”
“Okay. I get it. I’ll call you in a few days.” I didn’t want to hear any more. I shook his hand and walked out of his office without absorbing anything more than my heart being ripped in two different directions.
I was due to spend the rest of the day in the office finishing up paperwork, but I couldn’t concentrate.
“Hey, man. You want to talk about what happened this morning with Sadie?” Luke stopped at my desk a couple of hours later.
“Oh yeah. I completely forgot about that.” I brushed my hand over my face. I felt like I’d aged ten years since I’d gotten the text from Sadie this morning about Bob hassling her.
“I handled it, but have you talked to Sadie?” Luke leaned a hip against my desk.
“Yeah, she’s okay. She’s grateful you stepped in and supported her.”
Luke examined me carefully. “Something else happened, didn’t it?”
I shook my head. “Not what you’re thinking. This is personal.”
Luke pulled out a chair and straddled it. “Want to talk about it?”
“Not particularly.” The office had cleared out since most of the officers were on patrol, so I felt comfortable opening up.
Luke waited.
“I filed for a motion for modification of custody.”
“That’s great. It’s about time.”
“Yeah, well. I wanted to do it months ago, but my attorney wanted me to document everything first.” The sick feeling that entered my body when my attorney told me to stay away from Sadie never left—it had only intensified.
“What’s the problem?” Luke’s eyes were sharp, and he held his body tense.
“My attorney doesn’t want me to see Sadie anymore. He thinks Bree’s attorney will go after her and say she’s not fit to be around Rylan.”
“Because of the assault?” Luke’s lip curled in disgust.
“That and what happened at her last job.”
“But she’s never been charged with anything.”
“I know that, but I don’t think it matters. Speculation is enough in this town and the judge will know about the assault. It’s in the paper and everyone’s talking about it since it’s the anniversary. You didn’t like her either, remember?”
“Fuck, you’re right. I still don’t know what happened, but I trust that you wouldn’t be with her if she wasn’t a good person. I assume you know the whole story.”
I wouldn’t share her story. That was her call, but I was grateful Luke seemed to trust my take on it. “I do. She was a victim too. Annabelle told her not to talk. Her mom told her not to talk. The officer who questioned her about the assault accused her of being implicit with Dennis. The officer didn’t do anything illegal, but—”
Luke’s expression darkened. “He scared her. She didn’t want to talk.”
“Exactly. I trust her with Rylan, but no one else is going to take my word for it.”
Luke was quiet for a few seconds as if he was trying to think of a solution. “What if she comes forward with what she knows? She could either write a letter in the op-ed section or make an announcement. Then people will empathize with her. They’ll see she didn’t do anything wrong.”
“That’s a possibility, but it’s still a gamble. My attorney said if Sadie isn’t in my life, the custody case looks a lot better. What’s more important—Rylan’s safety, or my relationship with Sadie?”
“I think you’re looking at it the wrong way. You want a life with Sadie, right?”
“Yeah,
and if I break up with her, my attorney is saying that we can’t get back together, maybe ever. Bree can file another motion for modification, saying Sadie’s involvement in Rylan’s life would warrant opening the custody case again.”
“Is breaking up with Sadie permanently okay with you?” Luke’s eyes narrowed on me.
“Fuck no. Not even temporarily.”
“If you want Sadie in your life, you need to fight this together.”
“It’s too big of a risk that the judge won’t already have heard about her being fired from her last job and her involvement in the assault case. He might think she’s a liar, a manipulator, and who knows what else. The fact that she’s never addressed the rumors certainly hasn’t helped her.”
“Like I said, maybe she needs to make a statement—on her terms, of course. She’s been a positive influence in Sadie’s life in a way that Bree hasn’t?”
I thought about the sweet way she was with Rylan, how she’d read her a book, she cared for her, she engaged her in conversation, she respected her, she always thought of her before us. “She has.”
“Then make the judge see that.”
“I don’t know.” It seemed like an impossible situation, like everything was crashing down. Everything I thought was good in my life might be gone.
“Maybe Sadie will see things differently if you tell her you’re willing to stand and fight.”
“I’ll think about it.” Was I, though? Was I willing to risk Rylan’s safety for Sadie? My stomach twisted.
“Let me know if you need me. She can give a public announcement if she wants. We’ll provide security. Whatever you guys want.”
Would Sadie baring her soul to the public be enough? It was a huge gamble to take with my daughter’s life.
Sadie
I couldn’t escape the feeling that everything was going so well in my life and it couldn’t last. Raina hadn’t contacted me. The few times I called her she hadn’t answered. I was worried about her, but I wasn’t ready to show up at her house. I didn’t want to get sucked back into her life, so after I was finished teaching, I drove to the Al-Anon class to get some peace of mind.
I sent Tanner a text saying I’d be late. I felt badly about it and I thought about inviting him along for support, but I needed to do this on my own and he had Rylan. I couldn’t seem to relax since the idea of talking about my side of the story had been planted in my mind.
It might offer some peace to Robin or quiet the rumors and speculation. It could alleviate some of the guilt I felt. Could I talk to Bob? The question was, did I trust he’d relay my story accurately or would he twist it?
I’d moved out of my mother’s house to be free, but I wasn’t really. Stuff from the past kept coming up and threatening to pull me down again.
The thought of truly being free—of Raina and my secrets—swirled in my head until all I could think about was a life with Tanner. One without the weight of my past holding me down.
The meeting started and I focused on the people in attendance, wondering if today was the day I’d volunteer to speak. I didn’t recognize anyone from town. Maybe this was the first step to beginning a life with Tanner, one without any secrets.
Brandon’s eyes landed on me. “Would anyone like to speak?”
I wiped my sweaty palms on my leggings as blood rushed to my head, making my face heat. I managed a nod as I slowly rose and made my way to the podium. Looking out over the few people who’d come out tonight, a few nodded encouragingly and a few smiled. Could I do this? Could I stand up in front of all these people and tell them my truth? That I was as much as a victim as Annabelle, but I’d been too afraid to come forward. Would they judge me? Would they find me lacking? Would they blame me for Annabelle’s death?
My eyes landed on Brandon, who’d sat to listen. “No one here is going to judge you. Everyone knows what it’s like to speak for the first time.”
I swallowed over the huge lump in my throat. “Thank you. My mom is an alcoholic, or at least I think she is. When I was in high school, she went away for the weekend and I invited friends over knowing there’d be alcohol. We got drunk and passed out. I woke to my mom’s boyfriend on top of me. His hand—”
I hesitated. Could I say the words out loud? This was different than telling Tanner. On some level I knew he’d be understanding, but these people were strangers. I had no idea how they’d react. “I woke to him with his hand down my pants. I fought him and threatened to tell my mom. He must have believed me because he went back to his bedroom. I tried to stay awake—to make sure he didn’t finish what he’d started, but I must have fallen asleep.”
I scanned the faces—everyone was watching me with rapt fascination. I’d wonder if I was doing the right thing if it wasn’t for the fact that each word lifted a weight from my chest. “I woke to find him top of my friend who’d been asleep on the floor. I didn’t stop him from hurting someone else.” My voice broke and I had to look away from the stares.
When I was able to find my voice again, I continued, “I fought him off. My friend told me not to tell anyone and I didn’t. She’d lied to her mom about being at the party. We were underage and drinking. We were scared.”
I took a deep breath to steady myself and when that didn’t work, I poured water into a cup from the pitcher on the table next to the podium and took a sip.
“I’ve only ever told one person about this. He’s someone I met recently. Someone who’s changed my life. Who gave me the strength and the courage to come forward. He also encouraged me to move out of my mother’s home. You see, I was living with my mother, paying her bills, preventing her house from being foreclosed on, enabling her to keep drinking with a roof over her head. So, I moved out, but I feel so guilty. I feel guilty for most of the decisions I’ve made in my life and I don’t know if any of them were right.”
When I was done, I walked quickly to my seat, barely registering the claps. A woman touched my shoulder and leaned forward to whisper. “You’re so brave and you’re doing the right thing.”
Brave? I’d never been called brave before. I smiled in thanks. I sure hoped I was.
“Thank you for sharing your story with us,” Brandon said, standing at the podium.
I nodded. I’d expected to feel shame, embarrassment, or regret for speaking but instead, I felt lighter, freer.
Brandon ended the meeting with a prayer and people started talking to each other. I looked around the room and saw Tanner. I sucked in a breath—had he heard me speak? He stood by the refreshment table, his eyes on mine. I rose and walked toward him as a few people touched my arm and expressed their encouragement for my talk, but I nodded and kept walking toward him. It was like there was a string between us pulling me to him.
“Hi.” I stopped in front of him.
“Hey.” He hugged me as if I’d been away from him for too long, as if he never wanted to let me go.
“Are you mad that I spoke?” My voice muffled in his shirt.
“No, I’m so proud of you.” He tightened his arms around me, as if he could convey the strength of his conviction physically.
“Then what’s wrong?” I pulled back so I could see his face lined with worry and regret.
“We have to talk.” His jaw was set in a straight line and an awful feeling that nothing would be the same after this particular conversation settled inside me. I’d felt safe after I revealed everything to Tanner. How would I feel after he told me what he had to say?
“I’m sorry I was late. I know you wanted to talk but I needed to do this.” My heart picked up in speed as if it was racing toward something, but what?
“I’m not upset about that, but we do need to talk.”
“Okay. Who has Rylan?” I pulled back completely, taking his hand, to leave.
“My parents. They knew we needed to have a little bit of time to talk.”
“You want to go to my apartment?” I asked as we stepped outside into the cool air. The town Christmas decorations were hung and lit. The stor
e windows were decorated. There was a definite contrast between the warmth and cheeriness of the town for the impending holiday and the churning of my stomach over what he needed to talk about. Had he changed his mind about us?
He nodded and we got into our respective vehicles. He followed me home and when I waited on the sidewalk for him to get out of his truck, I said, “You’re scaring me.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to.” He glanced down the sidewalk. “Let’s talk inside.”
What could he possibly have to talk about that he’d need absolute privacy for? “Okay.”
His eyes scanned the room. “You got a couch?”
“Yeah, I guess you haven’t been here since I moved in. Kristen had some extra furniture in storage she said I could have.”
“That’s good.” He waited until I was settled on the couch beside him before he said, “I talked to my attorney.”
A pit formed in my stomach because his demeanor, his words, seemed ominous. I wasn’t going to like what he was going to say.
“He filed the motion for modification.”
“That’s great news.” Why wasn’t he happy or relieved?
His face filled with pain, etched with guilt. “He said—he said it wasn’t a good idea for me to be with you while the custody case is pending …”
“Ok. We could take a break from our relationship.” I hated to say the words out loud, but I wouldn’t be the reason he didn’t get full custody. I waited for him to say something, but his expression didn’t change. He looked away from me and my heart clenched—the initial hope that we could work this out was gone. “It’s more than that, isn’t it?”
“He doesn’t think it would be a good idea to be with you because Bree could file a motion to modify as soon as we started dating, saying you were a bad influence.”
So this was it. Our relationship was over. My stomach was churning but I tried to remain calm so that I could get answers—so I could understand. “I’ve never been in trouble. Are you saying this is solely because of my reputation? Not talking to police about the assault and getting fired from my last job?”