Our Way

by Swan, T L

  I could never hold him physically…. He would, one day, eventually stray. And not because he would want to but because he would need to.

  You can’t help who you are.

  Sadness sweeps over me. If Nathan and I did ever fall in love and we broke up and never saw each other again, I wouldn’t survive it.

  He is in every corner of my heart, and I can’t ever risk losing him.

  I get a lump in my throat just imagining that heartbreak.

  But he wants to try.

  No.

  Nathan Mercer has the ability to break my heart beyond belief. And I know that he can’t see it now, and would never intentionally hurt me, but he did already.

  I get a vision of him with Stephanie. What face did he pull when he came in her mouth? Did she drink him down? A part of him is still inside of her now. Can she still taste him on her tongue?

  My eyes well with tears.

  His words from earlier come back to me. If you didn’t like me that way, too, Eliza, it wouldn’t bother you.

  I roll over and punch my pillow in frustration.

  This has to stop, now.

  * * *

  It’s just past 8:00 a.m. when my phone rings. The name Nathan lights up the screen.

  I feel like I’ve been in a fight with Mike Tyson. I’m exhausted.

  “Hello,” I answer.

  “Hi.” His voice is deep and husky

  My eyes well with tears at the familiar sound of his voice. “Nathe.” I sigh. “We need to talk.”

  “I know. Can we have dinner tonight?”

  “Yeah, sounds good.”

  “I’ll pick you up at seven.”

  “Okay.”

  We both hang on the phone, not wanting to say goodbye, and I close my eyes in pain.

  This is the beginning of the end; I know it.

  I miss him already.

  “Bye, Eliza. Have a nice day,” he says softly before the line goes dead.

  * * *

  The key turns in the door at 7:00 p.m., and I inhale deeply to try and calm my nerves. Nathan’s beautiful face comes into view and he smiles. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” Seeing him in the flesh is a huge relief.

  I miss him.

  His eyes drop down my black dress. “You look beautiful.”

  “Thanks.” I twist my fingers nervously in front of me.

  We stare at each other for a moment before he pulls me into a hug and we hold each other. I feel so fragile that I may burst into tears at any moment.

  “It’s going to be okay,” he whispers against my temple, he must be able to sense how I’m feeling. “No matter what happens, it’s going to be okay.”

  I pull back to look at him. “Is it?”

  He forces a smile. “I promise.” He grabs my hand and pulls me toward the door. “The cab is waiting.”

  “We’re taking a cab?”

  “I need alcohol for this conversation.”

  I smile softly. “Me, too.”

  Our favorite Italian restaurant is dark and romantic, with candles adorning all the tables.

  The waiter fills our glasses and leaves us alone. It feels weird to be intense and nervous. This is one of our favorite places, and we have so many happy memories here.

  Nathan’s eyes are locked on me, it’s as if he’s expecting me to run at any moment.

  “So?” I say.

  “So?” He sips his drink, and I know he’s as nervous as me.

  “We need to talk.”

  “I know.” He tips his head back and drains his glass before he refills it. “Top off?”

  I smirk as my eyes flick to my full glass. “No. I’m good.”

  I watch him for a moment, and I know I have to put him out of his misery. I reach over and take his hand in mine. “Talk to me, Nathe.”

  He rubs his thumb back and forth over my fingers as his eyes search mine. “Where do I start?”

  “At the beginning.”

  He picks up his glass, drains it again, and then refills it. It sloshes over the side of the glass.

  “Nathan.” I squeeze his hand in mine. “It’s okay.”

  “So.” He exhales heavily. “When you broke up with Callum, I… I was glad. Ecstatic ,even. I told myself that it was because he wasn’t good enough for you. But the truth was, I was jealous of him. I was jealous that he got to be with you every day and I didn’t.” His eyes search mine. “I slept at your house those first few nights and…”

  “And what?”

  “I liked it. I felt at home. I wanted to be with you all the time. Over the last two years, we’ve become closer and closer, and then about four months ago, I stopped having sex with other people.”

  I frown, this is not what I was expecting him to say. “Why?”

  “I didn’t realize it at the time. I didn’t want to. The thought of leaving your side to go and have sex with someone else felt wrong.” His eyes drop to the table. “It felt like I was cheating on you. ”

  I take his hand over the table again as I listen.

  “But I didn’t put the puzzle pieces together. I didn’t understand it, and to be honest, I didn’t put any thought into why I was acting that way.”

  His eyes meet mine for reassurance, and I give him a soft smile. “Go on.”

  “Three weeks ago I went shopping with you, and you put on that little gold bikini.”

  What in the world?

  “And I got hard.” He picks up his drink and takes a huge gulp. “You can imagine my horror, seeing as it’s never happened to me before in my life. It confused me—horrified me. I felt sick to the stomach. It was like I was being seedy. You were my best friend, and there I was, perving on you.”

  “Oh, Nathe.”

  “I started lying beside you every night in the dark, imagining the two of us naked together, filled with guilt but unable to stop my thoughts. After you would fall asleep, I would go in the bathroom and jerk off so that I could fall asleep, too.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “I began watching straight porn.” He picks up his wine with a shaky hand and sips it. “She always had to have long, dark hair like you.” His eyes meet mine for reassurance, and I force a smile, hoping he can feel my love across the table.

  “Nathan,” I whisper. “There’s no shame in liking women.”

  “Gender has nothing to do with this. I can’t explain it.” He thinks for a moment. “But when I look at you, I don’t see a female or a male.”

  I frown. “What do you see?”

  “I see happiness.”

  My eyes fill with tears.

  “Nathe, I’m not a man. I don’t have the body parts you need. I could never make you happy.”

  “What?” He frowns as if confused. His eyes widen suddenly. “Eliza, I don’t get fucked. I fuck.”

  “You’ve never…?”

  “No.” He scowls. “God, no, I have never.” He takes my hands over the table. “Eliza, you have everything that I would ever need. Physically, I mean.”

  I smile softly, somehow weirdly relieved.

  “Why am I doing all the talking?” he asks.

  I spin my wine glass by the stem as I stare at it. “I don’t know what to say. This has all come out of nowhere, and I’m shocked, to be honest.”

  “You never felt anything for me?”

  My eyes meet his, and I know I have to be honest. “I love you.” I shrug bashfully. “I have always loved you. I just never let myself think this way about you because it would lead to heartache, and it has already. Look at last night.”

  He frowns. “What about last night?”

  “Why did you go to Stephanie?”

  “Elliot said not to tie my sexuality to one person.”

  “Who’s Elliot?”

  “My therapist.”

  “You have a therapist?” I frown in surprise.

  “I had to talk to someone about this. I’ve been going insane.”

  “Well, what did he say?” I ask, excited by the prospe
ct of a professional opinion.

  “He thinks that I haven’t let myself fall in love with anyone since Robert, and that perhaps I’ve loved you for a long time, and that my body has only just caught up with my heart.”

  I stare at my beautiful friend across the table….so confused.

  “He said something the other day, which made me realize what I had to do. All along, I hadn’t considered telling you any of this because I was afraid that, if you didn’t feel the same, I would lose you, and it would be the end of our friendship. It would become weird between us.” He picks up my hand and kisses my fingertips. “But the reality is, it’s already become strained between us because I haven’t been honest and I’m going to lose you anyway.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  “Because as soon as you meet someone and get married, I’ll lose you to him.”

  “We will always be friends.”

  “Not the same way.” He sighs. “Your focus will be on him and your children, as it should be.”

  I take a big gulp of my wine.

  “So, I had to make a decision on how I’m going to lose you. Either tell you how I feel and risk rejection, or watch you marry someone else and always regret not being honest with you.”

  God, this is all so deep, I put my head into my hand. “Nathan.”

  “What do you think?”

  “I don’t know.”

  His face falls. “You don’t feel the same?”

  “I don’t know.” I see the sad look on his face, and I can’t stand it. “I mean, I do, I love you. That isn’t the question here.”

  His lips curl in hope.

  “But I don’t know if we can make this work.” I shake my head. “There are so many questions and… I’m hurt that you went to her. Your first sexual experience with a woman, and you gave it to her, not me. I wanted it, Nathan. How could you go to her?”

  He stares at me for a moment, and then as if having an epiphany, he gives me a slow smile.

  “Why are you smiling about that?”

  “Don’t you see, the fact that it bothers you means there is hope for us.”

  “I need to know what happened between the two of you. It’s eating me up.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “There’s no point continuing then.” I push my chair out. “I’ll go.”

  “Sit down.” He inhales deeply and takes another big gulp of his wine.

  “Start talking, Nathan. What happened with her?”

  “I was driving around, trying to think. I went to a strip club. I thought it might give me some clarity, you know?”

  I frown.

  “I did some blow.”

  “You did cocaine?” I whisper angrily. “Nathan, you’re a fucking surgeon, are you stupid?”

  “Yes.” He nods. “Obviously, I am. I was just so fucked up in the head. I have no excuse, it was appalling. Next thing I knew, I was at Stephanie’s.”

  I sit back in my seat, furious.

  His eyes hold mine, and I know he’s doing an internal risk assessment as to what he’s about to say.

  “Go on,” I urge. “I need to know what happened.”

  He hangs his head. “I was off my head, not thinking straight. She opened the door and… we kissed.”

  My stomach twists.

  He frowns. “Next thing I know she’s on her knees.”

  I close my eyes in horror. I don’t know if I actually want to hear this.

  “I was going to stop.” He takes my hand over the table.

  “But you didn’t?”

  He hangs his head. “No.”

  I watch him, filled with contempt. “What happened then?”

  “I …”

  “You came,” I snap.

  “I freaked out and I left in a rush.”

  I frown. “What did you say to her?”

  “Nothing. I ran.”

  “So, you let a woman suck your dick, you blew in her mouth, and then ran out without saying anything?” I gasp.

  He puts his head in hands and chuckles, as if embarrassed. “Oh my God, I’ll never get over the horror.”

  I put my hand over my mouth, shocked to the core. “She must hate you.”

  “Undoubtedly.” He pinches the bridge of his nose.

  “Have you spoken to her since?”

  “No. I texted her the next morning and apologized. I hope to never see her again in my life. I’m mortified.” He takes my hand over the table. “I saved myself, Eliza. I only want you.”

  “A head job is not saving yourself, Nathan.”

  “That’s all that happened; I swear.”

  “That’s a fucking lot Nathan,” I whisper angrily.

  He takes my hand over the table. “Please, just give me a chance.”

  I exhale heavily. “I need to think about this.”

  “Take all the time you want. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait for as long as it takes.”

  I press my lips together as I try to think of the right thing to say.

  “What if we try and it doesn’t work out? Where will our friendship be then?” I ask.

  “I will always be your best friend, Eliza, and we need to promise each other this won’t affect our friendship at all and separate everything. I’m not taking this lightly. I know the risks, but I think we’re too close for that to come between us.”

  “But does that ever really work?”

  “We go away this weekend. Majorca, remember?”

  I shake my head in disgust. “If anything were to happen with us, it would have to be like we’d just met. I don’t know you romantically. I need some time to think this over.”

  He smiles. “Okay.”

  “I mean it. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t give you any guarantees.”

  “Okay.” He holds his glass up. “A toast.”

  I put my glass to his.

  “To starting again.”

  I clink my glass with his.

  His eyes glimmer with something I haven’t seen before. A naughtiness. “Can I stay over tonight?”

  “No.” I smirk. “You cannot.”

  * * *

  I stand in the café and look at the menu board.

  It’s Friday, and after the longest week in history, I start my vacation today after work.

  I haven’t seen or heard from Nathan since our dinner date. I know I asked for space but I thought he would have at least called me or something.

  “What’s good here?” a familiar, deep voice asks. I glance over to see Nathan standing beside me, also staring up at the board, totally entranced by the selection. “It’s my first day here.” he says.

  My eyes flicker to him in question.

  “I want a do over,” he says. “I want to go back to the day that we met. I want to start again. Give me the chance to be the man you want me to be.”

  I smile softly. I can’t believe he’s doing this. My eyes drop to the floor, and I know that it’s now or never.

  Do I want to see where this goes or not? I force a smile, I know that it’s something I can’t walk away from without at least exploring our options. Nathan’s made it quite clear that he’s struggling with our platonic friendship, and if my jealousy over that other woman is anything to go by. So am I.

  I exhale heavily. Here goes nothing. I may live to regret this.

  “It’s your first day?” I ask. “Mine, too.”

  A smile crosses his face when he realizes I’m playing along. “Really? Where did you move from?”

  “Florida. And you?”

  “Vermont, although I studied in New York.”

  “Do you know anyone here?” I ask as we shuffle forward in the line.

  His eyes hold mine. “Nobody that matters.”

  I smile softly.

  He holds out his hand to shake mine. “I’m Nathan.”

  “Hi, Nathan, I’m Eliza. I think I’m going to have the turkey on rye,” I say.

  He nods as he peruses the choices.
>
  “Next,” the lady calls. Nathan steps forward. “Can I please have two lasagnes and salads?”

  I drop my head to hide my smile, and my heart swells. He remembered what we ate that first day.

  “Drinks?” the woman mutters, uninterested.

  “No, Nathan, I’ll get mine.”

  “You can buy my lunch tomorrow. Then I can have something to look forward to.”

  I smile up at the beautiful man beside me. He remembers everything from our first meeting. He pays the lady, and we walk over to a table to sit down.

  “Do you want to go out with me tonight?” he asks as he puts salt and pepper on his lasagne.

  “Like, as friends?”

  “No.” He shakes his head. “Like a date.”

  My eyes hold his, and I know that this is it: the defining moment where I find out what I’m made of. “I’m willing to try.”

  “That’s all I’m asking for.” He smiles softly.

  “Where do you want to go?” I ask.

  He picks up my hand and kisses the back of it. “Anywhere with you.”

  12

  Eliza

  I knock on the door and stick my head around. “I’m out of here.”

  Henry looks up and smiles. “Have a great vacation.”

  I hunch my shoulders in excitement. “That’s the plan.”

  “Where are you going again?”

  “Majorca. We leave in the morning.”

  “You going with your boyfriend?” He frowns.

  “Ah, yes.” That sounds weird. Is Nathan my boyfriend now? I raise my eyebrows in surprise, the concept mind blowing. “Yes, with Nathan.”

  “Okay.” His eyes hold mine. “Have a great time. I must say, I’m very jealous.”

  I chuckle, and with one last wave, I rush out of the door. I power walk to the elevator as I make an internal list of what I need, I have so much to do before Nathan gets to my house tonight and I haven’t even started packing yet. I need to get to my laser appointment, and then I want to buy that other swimsuit in red. I also want to pick up some new date dresses and lingerie.

  Nerves dance in my stomach. Lingerie… for Nathan. I exit the building and step into the street. The sun is just going down, and I walk up the street toward my beauty therapist.