Living With Regret

by Lisa De Jong

  “Have I been here?”

  “Seventeen Days.”

  The darkness was a much better place. Sometimes it’s better not to know … I want to fall back into naivety, but it’s too late. What’s done can’t be undone.

  SINCE MY MOM LEFT TO shower a few minutes ago, my eyes have been locked on the door. I thought that, after a while, I’d wake up and find out this has all been a bad dream … the worst kind of nightmare that digs itself deep into the skin until the line between reality and imagination is blurred.

  I’m shut inside an empty, sterile room, devoid of any soul. There are floors of rooms in this hospital that look exactly like this. It’s a place where people are left to heal their wounded or weakened bodies, but the atmosphere is doing little for my mangled, torn heart. The machines I’m hooked up to ensure that it’s beating, but it can’t detect the large, hollow hole that’s now in the center.

  This isn’t my life. This isn’t what I had planned. Cory and I had been together since we were freshmen in high school. We were supposed to get married after college and move back to our small town to live happily ever after. He was my future … all I could see when I opened my eyes every morning. All I could think about when I closed my eyes every night.

  Now, all I have are memories. He’ll never be here smiling down at me. I will never be able to wrap my arms around him or press my lips to his again. Never again will he grab my hand in his or whisper things that shouldn’t be said out loud in my ear.

  As much as I hate it, this is my new life. A sick, twisted version of hell that no one really deserves.

  I think back to the day Cory first asked me out. He was that guy … the one who girls have in mind when they get dressed for school in the morning. The one you can’t help but smile at when you walk past, but you tuck your hair behind your ear casually, hoping he doesn’t notice that you’re staring.

  I’d gone to the first high school party with my friend, Madison. It was a night I’d never forget.

  “Will you quit pulling at your skirt already? It’s supposed to be that short,” Madison says, pushing my hand from the hem I’d been tugging at since we walked into the packed house.

  “I can’t believe you made me wear this.”

  She rolls her eyes. “You shouldn’t hide your body … especially those legs.”

  Shaking my head, I follow behind her as we weave our way through the crowd. The good thing about growing up in a small town is I pretty much know everyone here, but it’s still a who’s who of our high school. I don’t think we should even be here.

  I spot Sam, my next-door neighbor across the room and start toward him. “Where are you going?” Madison asks, wrapping her hand around my forearm.

  “I’m going to go talk to Sam.”

  “Seriously, Rachel. You shouldn’t be hanging around him.”

  “Why?” I ask, waving in his direction.

  “You don’t want to be the girl who’s seen with him. People will talk. They’ll make assumptions.”

  Sam’s quiet and has an aura of darkness that follows him wherever he goes. It might be the black leather jacket he wears or the classic car he drives. Whatever it is, most of the girls in our high school find it irresistible, and while some have had their shot with him, it never goes beyond a night in the backseat of his Camaro. I asked him about it once, and he told me life’s simpler if you don’t let yourself get too attached to anyone. It seemed honest because I’m the only person he’s really ever attached himself to.

  People in town talk about him like he’s a destined felon, simply because his dad went down that path when he was younger. It didn’t matter that it was almost twenty years ago when his dad had one minor theft conviction and way before they even moved here. I guess, in their minds, crime is a genetic, chronic disease but they don’t know Sam like I do. Over the last seven years, I’ve spent more time with him than I have anyone in this crowded house—Madison included.

  Before I have a chance to argue with her, I feel a hand squeeze my shoulder, and I spin around. Cory Connors stands behind me with a cocky grin spread across his handsome face. His eyes are even bluer than I’d thought, and his light brown hair is sun-kissed from spending hours outside this summer. He’s the definition of perfect.

  “Hey, it’s Rachel, right?” he says in his deep, masculine voice. It floats through my mind like sugar, coating every part of me in happiness.

  “Yeah,” I say, trying to pry my eyes from his full pink lips. They’re hard to look at without imagining what they’d feel like on mine. Not that I’d really know what that feels like since I’ve never been kissed. I think about it a lot, though. A whole lot.

  His grin widens as he follows the path of my eyes. “What are you looking at?”

  I swallow the lump in my throat, shifting my focus up. “Umm … nothing. I mean. I was—”

  He laughs. “Hey, I was only teasing.” He reaches his hand up toward my face but quickly pulls it back. “Did you just get here?”

  I nod, still shocked that Cory is actually talking to me. I’m afraid if I say too much, it’s all going to come out wrong. And this is probably the one and only time he’s ever going to talk to me. I have to make it count.

  “I was just heading outside if you want to come with me,” he says, interrupting my thoughts.

  I’m frozen in place, staring into his glassy blues. This is my chance, but I’m not sure I’m ready for it. “I don’t know.”

  Madison pushes against my back, practically sending me straight into his chest. “I’ll just wait in here, Rachel.”

  Before I have time to argue, he wraps his hand around mine and pulls me toward the back of the old farmhouse. As I follow close behind, I glance around the packed room noticing all the sets of eyes on us. Most notably is Sam, whose hooded eyes follow me. When I see him pushing back against the wall, I shake my head. He’s always been my protector, but he’s a senior and won’t be around next year. I need to learn to navigate through life on my own. He stops, his eyes narrowing in on me, but I quickly look away before he convinces me otherwise.

  “Rachel!” he yells from behind me before I can get too far.

  I turn my head, taking in his parted lips and pained eyes. For a second, I think about ditching Cory and disappearing with Sam, but I don’t. I told myself high school was going to be about me taking chances. Sam isn’t a risk … he’s always been the one to catch me.

  I pull my lower lip between my teeth and smile, burying the nervous butterflies deeper in my stomach. Sam understands what I’m trying to tell him right away. Dejected, he lowers his eyes and rubs his hand along his strong jaw.

  Unable to watch, I focus on Cory. Letting him lead me through the crowd again. The voice in my head keeps telling me Sam will ask me to stay. If he says the words, I will. He doesn’t, though.

  When Cory and I step outside, he still doesn’t let go of my hand. I don’t pull it away either because it feels too good. “Are you having fun?” he asks, so close I can feel his warm breath against my cheek.

  I open my mouth, but quickly close it again, trying my best to compose myself. The last thing I want to do is sound like a complete idiot the minute I’m alone with the god of our freshman class. “I just got here,” I finally reply, gazing up at him. He’s lit only by the moonlight, and Cory under the moonlight is something to be seen.

  “Well, you’re staying for a while, aren’t you?” He smiles, and I swear I’ve never seen dimples like his.

  I nod, feeling his warm finger brush against the skin below my ear. “Good.” His voice is soft but smooth, like melted butter. Warm tingles run the entire length of my body. Everything about this suddenly feels right.

  We’d been together ever since that night. He was my first date, first kiss, and first love. I let him have everything because I thought he’d be my only. Things have changed now, and nothing will ever be the same. Everything I thought, felt, wanted is gone, and I’d do anything to have him back.

  It should have be
en me who didn’t make it out of that car. Living without him is going to be worse than not living at all.

  The door clicks, and another nurse walks in with my medical chart in hand. Her expression becomes sympathetic when she sees my tear-stained cheeks.

  “How are you feeling, Rachel?”

  I shake my head, unable to put into words what is going through my mind. Why would someone even ask me that?

  “Are you in pain?” she asks, fastening the blood pressure cuff around my arm.

  I nod, turning my attention out the window on the other side of the room. I’m not sure if it’s the physical or emotional pain that runs deeper, but I’m not going to explain that to her. She wouldn’t understand … no one would.

  After taking my vitals, she smoothes my long blonde hair away from my face … the way my mother had done just hours ago. “I’m going to give you something to help you sleep. You need to get some rest.”

  My eyelids grow heavy just minutes after she leaves, and before I have time to object, temporary relief finds me. It doesn’t last long, though, and my mind drifts off to the land of memories and confusion again. The same scenes continue to play, and I let them. I wish there was a way to climb into them, to go back in time.

  When I wake up, the room is dark. Blinking the sleep away, I glance around the quiet space in search of my mom. She should have been back hours ago. I need her, more than I ever have before.

  The whole time I slept, I heard Cory calling my name. I tried to run after him, but I couldn’t catch him. It was foggy and dark, but I could still see him looking back at me every once in a while. It fueled me to move faster, but the distance between us didn’t close. Now that I’m awake, I realize it was just a dream. I’ll never touch Cory again; my whole life will be spent chasing those memories, but not being able to catch them.

  “Rachel.” I glance over, spotting Madison standing in the corner of the room. Her shoulder-length brown hair is pinned back away from her face. She looks tired, much the same way Mom did before.

  When I don’t respond, she moves closer, curling her fingers around my forearm. Madison’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember. Our moms were best friends, and we’ve done everything together since we were babies: baths, swimming and dance lessons, and family trips. We understand each other, especially the pressure our parents put on us to be the best at everything. We both did everything we could to get straight A’s in school, and if it weren’t for calculus, I would have accomplished it. We joined every committee we could, just like our mothers had in their high school days: prom, yearbook, and homecoming. Looking back at it now, it was exhausting. I lost a lot of myself trying to be what my parents wanted me to be. It doesn’t seem worth it now.

  She takes the seat next to my bed, watching me carefully. “You look like you’re doing better than the last time I saw you.” I wonder when that was, but I don’t ask. It doesn’t matter. “How are you feeling?”

  I look away from her. It’s a stupid question—one I’m so tired of hearing. How does she think I am? I woke up with no memory of what put me here and just found out my boyfriend is dead. I know it happened. I’m not in denial, but I’m also not ready to talk about it. It makes it that much more real.

  “I used some of your photos to put together a slide show for the funeral. I saved it for when you’re ready to watch it,” she says quietly, leaning her cheek against the side of the bed.

  Funeral. The thought never crossed my mind, but there had to have been a funeral. One I didn’t get to attend. Anger floods me, but I quickly push it away. No one’s going to wait seventeen days for a funeral, yet I know it was my chance to say my goodbyes … a chance I won’t get now unless I find a way to do it on my own. It’s not fair … but none of this is fair.

  “How are his parents doing?” I whisper. The words almost stick in my throat. Cory was their only son, the youngest of three kids. He was his father’s pride and joy. In his eyes, Cory could do no wrong. It’s how most of our small town viewed Cory. It’s exactly how I saw him … how I still see him.

  “About as good as you’d expect given the circumstances. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a child—your only son.”

  More tears slip from my eyes. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

  “How much do you remember?” she asks, looking down at the bleached white sheets.

  A thought hits me. Maybe she can fill in the gaps. Maybe she remembers something about that night that I don’t. “Not much. Can you help me? I need to know something—anything.”

  “I didn’t get home from school until the morning after,” she says, glancing down at her fingers.

  “I thought you were coming home the same day Cory and I did. I remember talking to you about it. Did your plans change?” I’m so confused. Maybe I imagined that too. Being stuck in a permanent fog really sucks.

  She stands, folding her arms over her chest. She can’t seem to look at me so she stares out the window instead. “I told you not to drink so much at parties, Rachel. I wish … I wish someone had stopped you.”

  “What?” I watch her as she briefly looks at me then turns away again. It doesn’t even matter that she didn’t answer my question. “What do you mean by that? Tell me.”

  Her hand slides down, covering mine, but her eyes drift away. “You were driving that night. When they found you, there was alcohol in your system.”

  My vision blurs, and the room spins even faster than it was before. Cory’s not just dead … I killed him. I’m the reason he’s not here.

  Choices. We make them every day, but this one … this one is one I’ll live to regret forever.

  BY THE TIME THE doctor finally makes it into my room to check me over, the gray skies have been replaced by night skies. I should know because my eyes have been fixated on the window since Madison left a couple hours ago. There was so much more I wanted to ask her, but it was all lost after she told me I’d been drinking. Everything ended there, and she left soon after without saying more than a goodbye.

  My throat still burns, but the water I asked for hours ago is the last thing on my mind. Besides, I deserve the pain … after what I’ve done, I deserve much more than this.

  “How are you feeling?” he asks, pulling his stethoscope from around his neck. He’s a middle-aged, balding man who wears a worried, pensive expression on his face.

  “Why does everyone keep asking me that? I’m here, aren’t I?”

  “And you’re lucky. I saw pictures of your car in the newspaper.” I don’t even want to think about what that looked like. I wouldn’t be able to handle it, knowing the fear that Cory probably felt in his last minutes. I wonder what he was thinking. Did we say anything to each other? I wish I could remember that much. I hope I told him I love him. That’s what I’d want to say, if I had the choice.

  The doctor presses the cold metal to my chest, listening to my heartbeat. I wonder if he hears my heart breaking, and if a heart under the weight of misery sounds different than one with a normal beat.

  “You sound good. How’s the throat?”

  “Hurts,” I whisper. Everything hurts. Pure, freaking agony lives inside every part of me.

  “I’ll have the nurse bring you some water. Is there anything else I can get you?” Why is he being so nice to me? I need someone to yell at me, to tell me this is my fault … it should have been me. I need someone to justify what I feel inside. To rip me apart the way I’ve been ripping myself apart the last couple hours.

  Shaking my head, I focus on the window again. Darkness … that’s all I need. I should’ve stayed there when I had it. It wasn’t my favorite place, but it was better than this.

  “Okay. Tomorrow we’re going to run some tests to see how your brain is healing, and then I should have a better idea of when you’ll get to go home. Hopefully it won’t be too much longer.”

  It dawns on me that no one has explained what my prognosis is or why I’ve been sleeping for seventeen days. “What happe
ned? I mean, why have I been here for so long?”

  “You hit your head pretty hard, had some serious swelling, so we had to put you in a medically-induced coma so you could heal. We expect you to make a full recovery,” he says, a sad smile forming.

  All I can do is nod as he lightly pats my knee. A full recovery means nothing to me. I’ll never go back to the life I had before all this.

  When he’s finally gone, I let my tears fall on my pillow, remembering more of what I’ve lost. Everything I lost…

  “I swear you were the prettiest girl in that room,” Cory says, pulling me out onto the golf course. There was a fundraiser that both our families attended tonight, and now that our parents have had a few drinks, we manage to sneak out. Stolen moments are few and far between at these things … it’s all about keeping up appearances. Fake smiles. Forced conversations.

  “I bet you say that to all the girls,” I tease, following him out to our spot in the trees. We’ve been together for almost three years, and one of the best parts has been discovering our little hideaways.

  He stops, gripping my hips to pull my body close. “I’m pretty sure there’s only one girl who gets my attention. I think you know her—blond hair, blue eyes.”

  Biting my lower lip, I stare at his mouth. “Sounds familiar. Tell me a little more.”

  He nuzzles his nose against my neck, pressing his lips to the skin below my ear. “She’s funny and smart. She also has really nice legs … I love her legs,” he whispers, his warm breath reaching my ear. He walks us back a couple steps until my body leans against the tree, his fingers brushing against my bare thighs.

  Cory charmed the pants off me after we dated for a year, and we haven’t stopped since. Every moment we get alone is spent this way. Sixteen may have been a little young, but once hormones got ahold of me, they didn’t let go.

  “You’re not so bad yourself,” I say, wrapping my arms around his neck. He slides his hands down my sides, curling his fingers under the hem of my dress to bring it up. My breath hitches as he presses his fingers between my legs, tracing small circles where he knows drives me crazy.