He smiled at me brightly. "I have a great mom who shows me how." I blinked back tears, moving to stand so I could go shower and get dressed. With the rest of them clothed for the day, it felt ridiculous for me to still be in my pajamas. I was also a coward and needed to flee from the emotional onslaught that threatened my sanity with Axel's words. "Where are you going?" he asked.
"To get dressed."
"Ryker says you have to wait until after presents," Axel chuckled, and the glint in his eyes was knowing.
"Uh oh," I whispered. "What is he up to now?"
"Spoiling you!" Ryker called from the kitchen, and Axel laughed. "Little Man, go grab the presents you can carry. Your mom is going to sit on the couch."
"Help!" Ines yelled, chasing after her brother as they went for the garage.
"You didn't need to go to all this trouble," I said, crossing my arms over my chest as I stepped into the kitchen. He was just finishing loading up the dishwasher, straightening to walk over to me. He wrapped his arms around me, smiling down at me like the tension between us had never happened.
I wished I could forget it the way he was, but the reality that I might have softened toward him and he'd had another woman was a threat I couldn't forget. Finally coming to terms with the fact that I'd put my marriage on a pedestal for no reason, the last thing I wanted to do was enter into another loveless marriage of convenience.
No matter how much the package might tempt me or how wonderful the man was to my kids.
"It was no trouble, Tesoro. I made you pancakes, bought some flowers, got you some gifts and the kids and I are going to make you a cake."
"Please tell me I get out of cleaning all day, because I do not want to clean up from that disaster," I joked. Ryker chuckled, leaning down to touch his lips to mine gently.
"You get out of cleaning all day. Happy birthday, Sunshine."
"Thank you, Ryker," I whispered up. The sound of the kids racing back into the living room from the garage made me pull away. I wanted to stay wrapped in his arms forever, but I couldn't.
Not if I wanted to maintain my sanity.
✽✽✽
When Ryker set out to spoil a woman, he went hard.
With the kids tucked into bed, I couldn't stop staring at the trio of large canvases with our photos on them. They added life to the bedroom. With pictures someone had taken at Matteo's house less than a week prior, we looked like a real family. The kind I’d always wanted and never thought I could have. The one of Ines and I picking flowers was sweet, and the one of Ryker rubbing Axel's head and grinning at him was playful.
But it was the photo of Ryker on top of me on the ground, his eyes lit in the moment when I smiled up at him that took my breath away.
I didn't think anyone had ever looked at me the way he did in that moment, and I didn't think I'd ever looked so happy.
The other gifts downstairs were incredible. Axel had given me a yoga mat for outside so I didn't have to clean mine off before I could bring it in the house. There was a pretty dress that Ines had apparently picked out online, and although it was frilly and pink, I knew I'd wear it more than anything else in my closet. When it came to Ryker, I didn't know whether to hug him or smack him.
His actions all day, his constant attentiveness and making sure that I didn't lack for anything would have earned him a hug.
If it hadn't been for what I knew was a ridiculously expensive necklace hanging around my neck. The wire was twisted by hand, an intricate rose gold wrapping around the slice of lilac geode that hung from a rose gold chain. It was stunning.
It was completely me.
It was also way too much.
By the time Ryker stepped into the bedroom from the bathroom, I felt ready to explode. I wanted the necklace, as it was one of the most thoughtful gifts I'd ever received. I imagined it had cost more than my engagement ring from Chad, and that just made me feel like a kept woman.
I didn't like the feeling, especially not in the wake of his nightmare.
"What's wrong?" he asked, eyeing the fact that I still wore the dress Ines had given me.
Reaching up behind me, I unclasped the necklace and cradled it. "I can't accept this, Ryker. I didn't want to make it into a thing in front of the kids."
He held out his hand, letting me drop the necklace in his palm. "I thought you liked it."
"It's beautiful, but I'm not okay with the message it sends. I think it's dangerous to encourage the kids to see us like that."
His face hardened, and that steely look I was learning to fear just a little took over his eyes. "And what message is that?"
"It's not okay that they think I'm your whore! That's how the rest of the world will see this, and eventually my children will be old enough to understand what that means," I said, my frustration bleeding through every word. "I understand that there is probably a reason you can't be with the woman you want, but I don't appreciate being kept on the sidelines like a consolation prize. I will not live my life being second place to another woman."
"Another woman?" he growled. "That's what you think this is? Me keeping a convenient pussy on hand while I try to land the one I really want?"
"If the shoe fits, Ryker," I snapped. I went to the closet, grabbing the spare blanket off the shelf to go sleep on the couch again.
"If I wanted a convenient pussy, I wouldn't have picked you. You are far from convenient," he grunted, stepping in front of the door to block me in.
I huffed a laugh. "Oh, I'm sure. I made you work so hard for it, having sex with you less than a week after you moved me in. Totally inconvenient of me to make you wait a whole five fucking days!"
Ryker stepped forward, closing a little of the gap between us. "I love those kids. But if you were just a convenient pussy, I wouldn't have picked a woman with kids, Calla. I'd have picked a woman I could bend over my kitchen counter and fuck whenever my dick got hard."
"Do I look like her?" I whispered, and the thought was too painful. To think his seemingly endless attraction to me might be a lie he created to recreate being with someone he couldn't have gutted me, and that was the moment I realized just how deeply I'd fallen into his trap.
All the whispered promises and affectionate touches had reduced me to a blubbering mess who couldn't think about anything other than how good it felt to pretend I was loved.
"There is no her! Fuck, what got into your head that made you think there was?"
"Your nightmare. I told you, you said 'not her' and when I asked about it, you wouldn't talk to me. What am I supposed to think?"
He sighed, stepping over to the dresser and pulling a small box out of his sock drawer. My heart thumped in my chest when he tugged me into his chest and wrapped his palm around the front of my throat, using it to lift my head to meet his eyes. There was something terrifying about the hold, all that power wrapped around one of the most vulnerable parts of me that should have sent me scrambling away.
But no matter what, I trusted Ryker with my body. I trusted he wouldn't hurt me.
That didn't come easily, but there it was.
"There's no one else," he whispered. "The dream was about you. I just need to know you're all in before I take that leap into talking about my family and my history. Even though the nightmare was about you, the nightmares themselves come from my childhood. I can't explain one without the other. Can you understand that? I can't open up to you about that until I know you won't use it against me."
"Then where have you been the last few days? I thought you'd realized that she was the one you wanted—"
"Fuck, Sunshine. You're killing me. The timing was shit, completely, but I was working. Matteo has a job he needs me working on, that's all. I don’t want anyone else." I sagged, feeling the truth in those words as they struck me. His thumb caressed my jaw before going to my lip to toy with it.
"I just, I don't understand what this is. This isn't normal. I shouldn't like you. I-I shouldn't want you."
"But you do," he whispered, hauling m
e up into his arms to move us to the bed. He laid out and draped me over him so that my head rested on his chest and he stared down at me.
"But I do," I admitted, and it felt like something shifted inside me. For the first time, openly acknowledging the fact that I'd somehow come to care for a man I should have hated.
There was a moment of silence as he seemed to give me time for that to sink in, and then he slid a cool metal band on my finger. I didn't dare look down at it, and there was really no need. There was only one reason for a man to ever put a ring on that finger.
"The kids—"
"Have already given me permission to marry you. As has your father," Ryker grinned at me, looking like the cat that ate the canary. I gaped up at him, floundering for a reason why this was not happening.
"I can't marry you.”
"I don't recall asking. You said you didn't know what this was? Now you do. This is you becoming my wife. And I think if you honestly ask yourself, you know that you want that as much as I do. We'll have an amazing life together, Tesoro."
"You won't even let me go to work," I protested.
"That's not forever. Once things have settled between us, then you can go back. I didn't keep you here out of fear of you talking to the wrong person or anything like that, Sunshine. I did it so we could spend time together, and so you could be more comfortable with me quickly. I'm just eager to be happy together. That's all."
I didn’t want to get married. Not to him. Not to anyone. “I don’t want to be a widow ever again,” I whispered.
“Sunshine, the devil himself couldn’t keep me away from you if he tried,” he answered, and I sucked back my argument. He wouldn’t listen, that much was clear. Not unless I could really communicate it.
I had time.
I sighed, finally looking down at the ring. A massive round moonstone took center focus, with lilac geode shards on either side and a thin rose gold band that matched the necklace and fit my finger perfectly. "It's beautiful," I admitted.
"It suits you," he said.
"Of course it does, you creepy meatball. Did you go through all my jewelry that I never wear to see what I would like, if I did?" He laughed underneath me, and the sound of it seeped into me and brought a smile to my lips.
This was so messed up.
He rolled me underneath him, staring down at me with shining blue eyes that went to the smile on my face again, studying it like he had before. "It's possible," he said, and then he kissed me.
It didn't matter that I hadn't said yes, because he set to showing me exactly why he didn't need to ask.
Thirty-Five
Calla
He was insane. I'd said it before, and I'd say it again.
Not only had he woken up and decided it was entirely appropriate to tell the kids we were getting married, but he'd established an insane timeline. I'd thought we'd wait a year, let the kids adjust to living with both of us and see how the pieces fell together when I didn't want to kill him in his sleep.
Apparently that was too much to ask.
"We cannot get married next weekend," I told him, putting my hands on my hips as I stared him down. The psycho knew I was on the hunt, so after we'd tucked the kids away he'd retreated into his gym and hidden like a coward.
That’s what I'd thought at least, but he just genuinely didn't seem to care that I might object to his idea of a date for our big day. Because who would mind rushing into a wedding a week after a proposal?
The fucker.
"Sure we can. Tradition seems to dictate we get married at Matteo's anyway. It's not like we need to wait for a venue." He dropped the bar onto the bench behind his head, standing and wiping the sweat from his palms. The weights on each end were frighteningly large, and I didn't even dare to see how much they weighed. The man was a beast.
"Ryker!" I shouted at him, wincing when the sound echoed in the cavernous space. "I don't even know you! You know everything about me, but you have never given me the chance to get to know you. How can I marry a man I don't know?"
"We’ve had this conversation. You know me, Sunshine. You know everything that matters for our marriage."
"That is not your choice to make. Literally all I know about you is that you're a criminal. Last I checked, that wasn't a check in the Pros column, you Neanderthal!"
He chuckled, stepping forward to snatch me into his arms. My hands went to his chest, feeling him slick with sweat beneath my palm. It didn't bother me, for whatever weird ass reason. Nothing about Ryker's body bothered me. "You know that I worship you," he murmured, nipping at my neck as he went to sit on the bench with me in his lap and my legs tucked around his waist. "You know that I love our kids." Another nip, and heat bloomed in me against my wishes. I shoved his face away, glaring down at him. I was determined. For once, he would not make me forget that I was angry with him and let him take me to bed. "You know that I'll do anything to keep you safe."
"You have to give me something," I begged him. He couldn't just expect me to marry a man who had an entire past—a past that caused violent nightmares—without giving me a piece of himself. "You're asking me to give you everything. All of me, without you ever giving anything in return. Please, Ryker" I whispered, and something flashed in his eyes. He groaned, dropping his head back before he stared into my eyes intently.
"I was married once before." I stilled in his lap, staring at him in horror. He'd been planning to marry me without even telling me he'd done this all before?
"What happened?" I asked instead of expressing my anger. I'd give him the chance to explain, the chance to quell my nerves. There was a pause, and I watched him debate his words before he spoke.
"She was about four months pregnant when someone ran her car off the road. She and the baby both died." The agony in his voice broke my heart, and I leaned forward to press my forehead to his.
"I'm so sorry." It didn't excuse that he hadn't planned to tell me, but I couldn't be angry in the face of his pain either. "When was this?"
"Thirteen years ago," he said, and I jerked back in shock.
"How old are you?"
He chuckled darkly, raising a brow at me. It was just another reminder I knew nothing about him. "Thirty-three."
"You were so young," I murmured, wrapping my arms around his shoulders to hold him tight.
"I was. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to feel you had to compete with her memory. I loved Lauren, don't get me wrong, and I loved our baby. But the boy who loved her died with her. I'm not that boy anymore, and what I feel for you is different."
"I'm sure it is," I whispered, trying to quell the sadness that welled within me. It was different, because he didn't love me.
Obsession wasn't love.
He cupped my cheeks in his hands, holding me still as he looked at me. "I can already see you twisting that around," he chuckled, rubbing his thumbs over my cheeks. "I love you, Tesoro. I have loved you since the first time you smiled at me."
"Ryker—"
"Don't," he said. "I know you aren't ready to say it, but I think you need to hear it. I went to a dark place after I lost Lauren and the baby, and that's how I ended up with the Bellandis. But my life never stopped being all about the dark. Until you shone your light on my world, and I realized just how dark my shadows had become. You are the light of my life, Sunshine.”
"You don't have to tell me this." Because as much as he was right, as much as I needed to hear it, I didn't want to.
"Sunshine and her shadow," he whispered, and it felt like the words reached straight into my chest to wrap around my heart. The familiarity of that name wasn’t lost on me. "You reminded me what it could look like to just live. To love. To be free. To have Happiness."
“My shadow,” I murmured, dropping my face forward to touch my forehead to his chest. “It was you. That was years ago.”
“I’ve been there since the first time we met, Calla. I could never be away from you,” he murmured, making my heart pang. Through my marriage, through
my pregnancy with Ines, through all of it, he’d been there watching.
I shoved that down, trying not to feel the warmth that bloomed in my chest to know that while my husband might not have loved me, someone else had.
And I hadn’t even known he was there.
Even in the face of that dedication, I couldn’t not question it. "Are you sure about this? I don't think I'll survive it if another man decides he doesn't actually love me once we're married. I can't do that again, Ryker," I whispered, feeling my heart crack in my chest. I didn't want to blame Chad for the failure of my marriage, not when I was an equal part in that equation.
"You're my answer," he whispered, and there was the tiny trace of a smile on his face.
I stared at him in confusion, waiting for him to elaborate. "To what?"
"Everything," he whispered. "You're the answer to everything, Tesoro. I'll spend the rest of our lives proving it."
With a sniffle and a slight smile, I leaned in, touching my lips to his tentatively. With his hands cradling my face and his lips on mine, he overwhelmed me.
There was no part of me that felt untaken, unclaimed.
Unloved.
✽✽✽
I'd thought Chad loved me.
I really, honestly had. To think there were relationships where people weren't too absorbed in the lives they lived separately to put the focus on one another seemed impossible.
How could you be someone's complete focus with everything else that happened in a day?
But even when he left during the day, even when we spent time apart, somehow Ryker always let me know he was thinking of me. Sweet text messages asking what the Princess and I were up to came throughout the day, and when he was home with us nothing could distract him from enjoying every second of the time we had together. It seemed like a happy little bubble that existed in the two days after his confession of love.
Like nothing could pierce the safe place we'd created within one another. I didn't want reality to intrude, because reality meant I would need to think about what our relationship meant for my life. It meant I had to consider if it could survive out in the real world.
Grieved Loss: A Dark Mafia Romance (Bellandi Crime Syndicate Book 3) Page 25