The Cruel and Beautiful Series Boxset

by A. M. Hargrove

  “Most likely. You two are terrible.” I shake my head at them and leave the two of them alone. Ben is good for Drew. He gets his mind off things and relaxes when Ben is around. And Ben is coming around a whole lot these days.

  The following week, Drew’s doctors deem him strong enough and ready for the surgery. The limbo I’ve been surviving in ends much too abruptly for my liking. But Drew is ready to get the dog and pony show on the road, as he says.

  “Are you scared?” I ask him the night before.

  “Not of the procedure itself. I’ve been through it once, so I know what to expect. I’m afraid they’ll either find more inside than the scans showed, or they won’t be able to grab it all.”

  “I’ll be brave for the both of us,” I tell him, which is a big fat lie. I’m so afraid I can’t eat or sleep.

  In the morning, we arrive at the hospital and things run as expected. My support team is there: Ben, Jenna, my parents, and Drew’s parents. Jenna holds my hand the whole time during the five-hour surgery, and Ben never sits down. As close as Jenna and I are, Ben and I have really bonded over the last month or so. He is every bit as worried and scared as I am. I glance at Letty and Ray and my heart plunges into my guts. I can’t imagine being in their shoes, having your only child go through cancer treatment like this. A sudden urge hits me and I run to Letty and throw myself at her, burying my face in her lap, my arms wrapped around her. She must think I’m a lunatic, but I can’t help myself.

  Her arms wrap around me and we try to comfort each other. I’m not even sure how long we stay like this, but eventually Drew’s surgical team makes an appearance. Dr. Rosenberg also shows up, which is weird. This can’t be good.

  The head surgeon, Dr. Sherman, leads the talk. “Surgery went well. Drew’s in recovery and he’ll be fine. We had to take the entire lung. It was peppered with mets. When we got into the lobe we thought was affected, we decided to check further and it soon became clear that we were dealing with a more aggressive situation here. We also had to resect more bone than we initially thought. So now it’s a wait and see.”

  “So he can live with one lung, right?” I may sound stupid, but I don’t know these things.

  “Oh, yeah. He’ll adapt. Most people only use a percentage of their lung capacity as it is.”

  “Oh, okay. And what about more chemo?”

  Dr. Rosenberg says, “We’re going to have to switch that again, since we didn’t get the results we sought. But we’ll discuss that after Drew recovers. Our goal now is to get him healed up after the surgery and out of the hospital.”

  All of us, Ben, Letty, my parents, Jenna, and myself look like deer in the headlights. Everyone except Ray. Being a doctor, he knows what’s going on. He gets it. But I don’t want to ask. Because I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend none of this happened.

  “When can we see him?”

  Dr. Sherman says, “My recommendation is that you all go home and rest. Tomorrow morning will be soon enough. He won’t wake up for hours and when he does, he’ll still be sedated.”

  “I remember that from the last time. Can I at least look at him?”

  Dr. Sherman and Ray share a look. Ray says, “Cate, he’ll be on a ventilator. It might be better …”

  I cut him off. “I don’t care. I just want to kiss him and touch his face. Tell him I love him. Then I’ll leave.”

  Dr. Sherman says, “That should be fine. Ray, Cate, Letty, why don’t you come with me?”

  He leads the way and we go into recovery. I’m shocked to see the tube going down Drew’s throat, but I refuse to let it show. I place my hand on his head and my cheek next to his for a moment. Then I tell him how much I love him and kiss his cheek. Letty does the same, followed by Ray.

  When we get back to the waiting room, the tears I pushed away eke past my lids, but I won’t give in. Not yet. I hug Letty and Ray, and my parents. Then I turn to Jenna and Ben and ask, “You guys are staying with me, right?”

  “Yep.”

  And we head home, where I proceed to digest everything and then break down.

  “Cate, maybe they got it all.”

  “They had to take out his whole lung, Jenna. His prognosis wasn’t good to start.”

  Jenna grabs my shoulders. “Stop it. Stop saying that.”

  “I’m hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. It’s the only way I know to prepare because you can’t possibly understand what this man means to me.”

  “She’s right Jenna. And I know, Cate.”

  We both look at Ben and if eyes could speak a million words, his would do so right now. The grief written in them is so poignant, I automatically reach for him, and we cling to each other.

  “Drew told me this was a roulette game and we all know the odds of that.” Then I feel his body shaking with silent sobs, and mine does the same thing.

  The next morning, we make an impressive team as we head back to the hospital. Fake smiles and chipper faces are all nothing but plastic. But Drew won’t notice, because he’ll be drugged out of his mind and until he does, we’ll put on the best show as we possibly can.

  This time when I see him with all the hoses, tubes, wires, and IV lines, I’m not nearly as shaken up. I know what to expect and I’ve prepared myself. His morphine pump is next to his bed and he gives me a wan smile. Thank god, they’ve taken him off that ventilator and he’s breathing on his own.

  “Hey, gorgeous,” I say, kissing him. “Love your tubes. You have the best tubes I’ve ever seen.”

  “You really know how to flatter a guy.” He sounds so breathless. Is that normal? I want to ask him, but I don’t want to freak the hell out of him.

  “It’s the way I work. Is it dumb to ask how you feel?”

  “No, there is no such thing as a dumb question.”

  “Oh, yes there is and I’ve heard many. But, how are you, my love?”

  If I could do anything, anything at all, it would be to take his pain and suffering away right this very instant. Instead, I run my hand over his smooth head, bald from his last round of chemo and my assistance at shaving.

  “Much better with you by my side.”

  “The only place I want to be.”

  “Have I told you how beautiful you are?”

  “Not today.”

  “I just did, then. And I love you.” His eyes flutter closed. I place my face next to his and kiss his cheek. Then I tell him, in his ear, how very much I love him, too. After a moment, I stand and walk out of the room so I can get my cry on. And it’s a doozy.

  As I’m in the hall, Ben comes out and envelops me into a hug.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. I needed to get away from him so I could cry.”

  “He’s out of it, Cate.”

  “Yeah. But I still want him to see me as Wonder Woman, or something.”

  “That’s ridiculous. He knows you’re not. He knows if anything happens, you’ll need the support of friends.”

  “Ben, has he said anything to you about not making it?”

  “No. He doesn’t know. No one does, Cate.”

  “I don’t think his doctors are very hopeful.”

  Ben leans against the wall and stretches his arms up, dropping his head down between them. Suddenly, he slams his hands against the wall and yells, “Goddammit!”

  I get ready to tell him to hush, but a nurse beats me to it. “Sir, please, this is a hospital, and I would respectfully ask you to refrain from yelling and from using that type of language. We have sick patients and their families here.”

  Ben straightens up and walks up to the nurse and says, “Yeah? Well, my best friend for my entire life is in there and just had his lung ripped out his chest because he has cancer. This is his wife right here and I apologize to you and everyone else, but we’re a little upset. Sorry for the bad language, but …” Ben throws his hands up in the air and he turns to me as racking sobs take over him. When I see him like that, I turn into a weepy mess myself.

  Jenna sho
ws up and tells us we need to take it somewhere else. But quite frankly, I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Ben and I stand there and after a time, we let each other go.

  He looks at me and asks, “You good?”

  “For now. You?”

  “Same. Ready to go back in?”

  “Yeah.”

  He holds out his hand and we take the next steps together.

  As the day progresses, Ben and I have more than a few crying spells, but we lean on each other for support. The morphine keeps Drew’s pain at bay but his head fuzzy. The thing about his breathing is freakish. He’s so out of it, I can’t ask him anything. Ray says it’s his diaphragm and it’s fine. But it’s not fine. My husband is getting taken apart piece by piece and it’s killing me slowly as I watch it happen. I never thought about families of cancer survivors and what they go through, but it’s not for the faint of heart.

  Another week passes and Drew finally gets discharged from the hospital. His spirits are up and he’s eating again, too. After a few days, he says they’re going to have another tumor board and he wants to attend. That means I have to take him, since he hasn’t been cleared by his physician to drive.

  “Do you want me to go too?”

  “You can, but I doubt you’ll want to because it might be all gibberish to you.”

  “I can sit in the corner and read a good book.”

  He laughs nervously.

  “Spit it out, McKnight. I know when you’re hiding something.”

  “The news won’t be good, Cate.” His voice is clear and strong.

  “Remember, no sugarcoating,” I remind him.

  “See, here’s the thing. They originally thought the cancer was confined to one lobe, but when they found it scattered throughout my whole lung, well, you can probably guess what I’m going to say.”

  My hands are fisted so tightly, my nails pierce my palms. “Don’t make me guess. I need it spelled out, Drew. I’m not a doctor and don’t know these things.”

  “The lungs are a secondary point.”

  “Meaning?”

  “If it’s there, it’s most likely someplace else.”

  “Such as?”

  “The liver.”

  Heart meet stomach meet floor. Stomach meet throat meet mouth. I run to the bathroom and make it just in time. After I finish my pukefest, I wipe my mouth and rinse it out. Then I think about what he said. The liver. While I’m not a smart woman, medically, I do know this. The liver usually spells out terminally ill. Drew is telling me he’s terminal. Fuck. Suck it up, Cate. Get out there now because he needs you. I look in the cabinet, since I’m not in my bathroom upstairs, and thank god there’s mouthwash in here. I rinse again and walk out the door.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, well, could be better. What now? More tests?”

  “That and we determine if treatment is even an option anymore.”

  I press my lips together, doing my dead level best to hold in my tears. Nodding, I finally squeak, “And you’re sure there’s nowhere else we can go?”

  “I’m positive, Cate. It’s the disease, not the institution.”

  I stand there, looking at the floor, and I hold out my arms so he can walk into them and not see me cry. God bless him, he figures me out.

  I drive Drew to the hospital but give him the respect he deserves and don’t stay for the tumor board. He calls an hour and a half later and I meet him in Dr. Rosenberg’s office. They decide another round of chemo with an experimental drug added to the protocol. This will go on for two months. If no improvement is seen, then that’s it. They’ve reached the end of the road.

  Christmas is next week and we have no tree or decorations. After moving into the house, I was all gangbusters because I knew this would be the perfect home for the holidays. There are a couple of rooms that would be great for Christmas trees, but now I’m pretty sure we won’t have that.

  Drew doesn’t start chemo until January and I have a moment of inspiration. I get online and check things out. Then I make a call to Letty and pull her into my surprise, and then Ben. They’re one hundred percent on board. My last hold out is Dr. Rosenberg. When I speak to him, he’s a go, too.

  So two days after Christmas, I pack a bag for Drew and I and I tell him I have a surprise. We get in the car and drive to the airport. When we get there, and he sees our destination is Chicago, he wants to know what’s going on. I only jiggle my brows.

  “What have you done, Cate?”

  “Oh, I don’t know.”

  The corner of his mouth curls and I can see his wheels spinning. “You haven’t done what I think you have?”

  “And what might that be?”

  “Blackhawk tickets?”

  I grin and the look I receive is like sunbeams bursting through a storm. If I could capture it on film and save it to my own personal hard drive forever, I would die a happy woman. Drew McKnight is the happiest I’ve seen in weeks and weeks and I know I’ve made the best decision to make this trip.

  The three-day jaunt to Chicago is amazing and it changes Drew—if only for that short period of time. It’s like we went back to those days in our sweet little villa by the sea. We are happy and nothing gets in the way of it, not even the looming monster of cancer.

  Unfortunately, it doesn’t last, because we have to come home. But damn, it’s been so worth it.

  January, chemo cranks back up and ironically, it’s not as bad as the last rounds. Drew has been in some pain recently, which makes me anxious, but the chemo knocks it right out and he tolerates it well. Other than the hair being gone, which neither of us gives a shit about, he’s holding his own. That’s not to say all is great. He’s dropping weight. It’s not a huge amount. But it’s a pound or so every week. I have to buy him new clothes because he can’t wear his old ones anymore.

  He gives me an apologetic grin. “Maybe I should just stick to sweats. With elastic, then I wouldn’t have to worry about it.”

  “Drew! Don’t be silly.”

  He’s lying on the couch and I slide up next to him and hug him. It’s sad to feel how much muscle is no longer there. It’s the wasting away thing that you hear about.

  “I’m nothing but a sack of bones, Cate.”

  “You’ve lost weight, but we’ll fatten you back up.”

  “I love your positive attitude.”

  “Drew, you have to have one, too.”

  He tilts his head and stares for a minute.

  “What?”

  “My scans came back today.” Blue eyes, overcast with sadness gut me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

  Twenty-Seven

  Present

  The light coming through my window is hazy and gray. Clouds thick with frozen moisture loom above DC, putting the brakes on everything as the city waits with bated breath to see if the possible storm will materialize.

  “As much as I hate to say it, you should get home or you’ll be stuck here with me for the foreseeable future.”

  “Not a bad thing.” Andy tugs my back closer to his chest.

  “We both know the hospital will need you.”

  “Maybe I need you more.”

  His words light a fire in my heart. I’m beginning to need him like I need food to survive.

  “Andy,” I begin.

  He groans. “For the record, I hate that we live so far apart. I’m getting used to waking up with you. We should think about getting a place together, somewhere halfway between there and here.”

  My mouth goes dry. “What are you saying?”

  He turns me around so that I’m facing him. “I’m saying I want us to share space. I’m saying that I need you Cate. We’ve spent enough time apart.”

  I place my finger on his cheek and begin to trace his the line of his cheekbone. “No one knows we’re together yet. My parents, yours, … Ben.”

  He sighs. “I know. Maybe we should tell them when we go home for Christmas. You are going home?”

  I nod. As much as I don’t want to and deal with t
he questions and possible hurt feelings, I have to face that reality if I plan to be with him. And I’ll have to go back to calling him Drew. I’m not sure I’m ready for that either. The bubble wrap we’ve created around our relationship will finally pop.

  “I am. When are you planning to go down?”

  He shrugs. “I’m not sure. I’m asking because I thought maybe I could drive you down or back, if not both, depending on our schedules.”

  “I’m planning to take the week, not much more.”

  “Okay, I’ll see what days I can get off. And there’s something we should discuss later.”

  I rise up on an elbow. “Tell me now.” Curiosity makes me feel like a kid at Christmas.

  He shakes his head. “I have to leave and this is something we need to talk about. But before I go…” His hand snakes down the sides of my body. When he reaches my hip, one hand moves to my center to test the moisture levels. My climate is ripe for the taking and boy does he take me.

  When he finally leaves the bed for the shower, I watch his perfect body with awe. He’s always been a specimen to behold. As his backside disappears into my bathroom, I hustle out after him. By the time he leaves for Baltimore, snow is starting to fall steadily. Nervous about the weather, I wait on pins and needles until he calls to let me know he got home safely.

  The rest of my Sunday is spent taking care of the little things like cleaning up and laundry because I’ll be busy soon. I start a new engagement on Monday. The offices where I’ll be working the next few weeks are located on the other side of the Potomac in old town Alexandria, Virginia. It will just put more distance between Andy and me. I have to seriously consider a move so that we are closer together because waking up without him bothers me, too.

  The amount of snow we’ve gotten before the official start of winter has all the news organizations talking on Monday morning. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving. That and I wanted to spend it with Andy. It was a quiet affair, the two of us cooking a dinner for the both of us. He got called into the hospital once. He wasn’t gone that long. Otherwise, we spent the weekend together and it was really nice. It made me want what he was offering that much more.