Wooing Cadie McCaffrey

by Bethany Turner

  “Cadie was just saying that she’s afraid we’re going to be disappointed in her,” he said to my mom. “But she knows how much we love her. She knows that comes first.”

  I watched them look at each other as he spoke, and I knew that, somehow, he was communicating more to her with his eyes than he was with his words. I grew increasingly sad as I realized that at the rate I was going, it was highly unlikely that I would ever be able to experience that sort of connection with someone. What was happening between my parents could only have been honed over the course of their nearly forty years of marriage.

  “Of course that comes first,” my mom said, turning her eyes from my dad to me, her tone so much softer and warmer than usual. “You can tell us anything, baby.”

  What had my dad’s eyes said to her?

  I took in all of the air my lungs could hold and then released it slowly. “It’s . . . I mean, I don’t know how you’re going to react. It’s kind of . . . intimate. And I—”

  My mom crossed to the couch and placed her hand gently on my head. She ran her fingers through my hair like she used to when I was a little girl and she was trying to get me to relax at bedtime.

  “Oliver, sweetheart, would you give us a minute?”

  My dad leaned in and kissed my cheek, and then without a word left the office, shutting the door behind him. My first thoughts were not of how considerate my mom was being, or how uncomfortable the reality of telling my dad would have actually been. At first, all I could think about was how I’d never felt the need to be perfect for my dad, but for my mom I’d never really believed anything less was acceptable.

  And if less than perfect wasn’t acceptable, I had certainly never been acceptable. And that was before the confession I was preparing to make.

  She took my dad’s seat on the couch next to me, crossed her legs daintily at the ankles, and then waited. I felt her watching me, but there was no pressure. No impatience. She was just there, and I knew she would be ready when I was. I took one more deep breath and then blurted out, “I slept with Will.” My cheeks were burning, and my hands had gone ice cold. Not even the constant motion of trembling could warm them up. “A couple months ago, before we broke up. I was planning to break up with him, actually, but then I thought he was going to propose, and . . . I don’t know. I don’t know why that changed things, but it did. It didn’t really change anything, but it made me feel like things had changed. I regretted it. Like, instantly.” I stared at my fidgeting hands, unable to bring myself to look at her. A tissue appeared in my hands, and I blew my nose as the tears fell more quickly. “I knew it was wrong. I know it was wrong. We’d waited. For four years, Mom. And then we just threw it all away.”

  “Sweetheart,” my mom interjected, a tremble in her voice. I forced myself to look at her, and it hurt more than I could have imagined. “I know who you are, Cadie. You don’t have to try and convince me of anything.”

  Oh, how the sobbing grew. “You say that, but look at you. You’re crying. I made you cry. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen you cry.”

  She exhaled and reached her arms out to pull me close. “Cadie, I’m not crying because I’m disappointed. Life is full of disappointments, and they rarely make me cry, but seeing you in pain breaks my heart.”

  I threw my arms around her and held on to her in a way I hadn’t since I was little—if I ever had. My dad had always been my comforter and my protector, while my mom had been my teacher and moral compass. But in that moment, in the arms of my mother, I found more comfort than I had ever known.

  I began again, softly. “A few minutes ago, Eileen and I were talking and she said ‘All things are possible with God.’ I’ve heard that all my life. I’ve believed that all my life. But the thought that passed through my head was, ‘Not all things.’ The worst part is, I meant it. I don’t think I believe it—not really—but right then I meant it.” I sat up straight again. “I never would have thought something like that before. I used to talk to God all the time. Constantly. But now . . . I don’t know. It’s different. I pray, of course, but I feel like I ruined it.”

  I had fully exhausted that first tissue’s usage so she handed me the entire box from my dad’s desk. I destroyed three in quick succession.

  “Ruined what?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know exactly. My relationship with God, I guess. And I know that’s not how it works. I asked for forgiveness and I know I got it, but—”

  “No, Cadie. There is no ‘but’ there. You asked for forgiveness and you got it. That’s the end of the sentence. It’s just not the end of the story, and I think that’s where you’re struggling. God’s erased it. It’s gone. Can you say the same?”

  I scoffed through my tears. “Of course not! It’s messed up my entire life. I was a mess as it was, but then he proposed—”

  “Will proposed?” she asked—every bit as surprised as she should have been.

  “Yes. And that was probably the most painful moment of my entire life . . .”

  “Why? Because you knew you were going to say no?”

  “No, because he only asked because I was breaking up with him. After being together for so long, and loving him so much,” I cried, “he only asked out of desperation.”

  “But you just said yourself, you were breaking up with him. Clearly you’d decided—”

  “Mom, I was only breaking up with him because I’d finally realized he didn’t love me as much as I loved him.” I rested my head on her shoulder, and she didn’t even say a word about the way my tears and mascara were destroying her silk blouse. “I couldn’t just keep waiting forever, could I? I convinced myself he was never going to want to marry me, so what choice did I have but to end it?”

  “Oh, baby girl,” she whispered against the top of my head. “And then he asked.”

  “So I said no. I broke up with him, and that was supposed to be the end. But he kept trying all these stupid things from movies to try and get me back. And mostly, I didn’t even care. I mean, I always thought I wanted that sort of romance, but when I had it, all I could think about was how it meant he hadn’t been able to come up with anything on his own. But then . . . a few weeks ago . . .”

  My voice faded away and I wasn’t sure I could talk about it. It had been easy to talk about it to Darby right after it happened, because then all I’d really been feeling was anger.

  “What happened a few weeks ago?”

  I sighed and braced myself for the further onslaught of emotions. “We had to go to Staten Island for a meeting. Just Will and me. And at first there was nothing romantic about it. At all. But I watched him work, and I was so proud of him. I don’t know how to explain it. It was like he’d become the best version of himself and he was living up to all of the potential he’s always had, and the best part was he was loving it. I was just . . . so proud. And we talked, and he apologized for being kind of distracted the last year of our relationship. And I saw it, Mom.”

  “Saw what, sweetie?”

  I just didn’t know if my heart could take anymore. “For a few minutes, I actually started believing he loved me as much as I loved him. And it was like everything was coming together. But . . .” I blew my nose and grabbed another tissue. “But it was just more stuff, stolen from movies. We hadn’t had a breakthrough and nothing had changed. It was just more of the same. And it got in the way of work. I felt like he tricked me. How could I really trust that work was work and life was life, and how could I ever move on with either if that were the case? So I left ASN. And now I’m thirty-four years old and actually considering applying for a job working for my parents—no offense. My entire life has changed because I made one stupid decision. How can I erase it? How can it just be gone?”

  She cleared her throat, and I raised my head to look at her. There seemed to be questioning in her eyes. If she was, without words, deciding not to hire her only child, I would know that I had hit a new low.

  “I’m grateful for the job opportunity, though.
Really.”

  She smiled at me. “You know it goes without saying that you have a job here if you want it—because you’re good at what you do, not because you’re our daughter. And if I’m being honest, we would love to see you every day. You could do a lot of good around here. I was even thinking, just now, that you could be on the show and talk to all of the young female viewers about the importance of maintaining their purity—”

  I groaned. “Mom.”

  “Sorry. The point is we would be thrilled to hire you, but I really don’t think you should run away. You felt it was the right thing to leave your job, and I understand that, but working here is the easy answer, Cadie. Major corporations have been after you for years. Talk to some of them. And talk to Will—”

  “Mom!”

  “Hear me out. I’m not lecturing you or trying to tell you how to run your life, but right now it’s difficult for you to believe all things are possible with God because you don’t see a way out.”

  “Of course I don’t see a way out. Going back to him is kind of unthinkable—nothing has changed and we’d be right back where we were a few months ago, except what was lying dormant has now been all stirred up.” I sniffed and peeked upwards, certain that at any moment this heartwarming mother/daughter moment would reach its conclusion, and she’d send me to my room to pray and read Lamentations. But so far she was hanging in there with me. “I think I’d be questioning every moment. Wondering what was real, worrying about the future, wanting him to want me . . . being afraid of wanting him.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “So you don’t go back to him. Seems like an easy choice, when you lay it all out.”

  Tears flooded my cheeks. She was right. That definitely seemed like the easy choice, and it was the choice I had made. Undoubtedly.

  That didn’t make it any less unthinkable than the other option.

  “I think a big part of the reason you feel so out of sync with God,” she continued, “is that you haven’t forgiven yourself, and you most certainly haven’t forgiven Will. There’s some work to do there.”

  Apart from her belief that Love God, Love YOU! on Holy Trinity Television actually had young female viewers, there was so much wisdom in everything she said. She was right. I hadn’t forgiven Will. Probably not for the one night, and certainly not for the year leading up to the night. I didn’t need to actually speak with him in order to do that, but I realized that in order for us both to get the closure we probably needed, that was going to have to happen. And while I didn’t relish the thought of talking about any of it with him, or even seeing him again, if that’s what it took to make things right again, between God and me, I had to bite that bullet.

  But what needed to happen in order for me to be able to forgive myself? In order for me to actually believe it was all in the past?

  I took a deep breath and released it slowly.

  “I don’t even know that Will’s asked for forgiveness yet, Mom. From God, I mean. He apologized to me, but—”

  “Cadie,” she interrupted me softly. “That sounds like something that’s between Will and God.” She cradled my face in her hands and wiped away the fresh tears. “So what does that have to do with you, my love?”

  A new round of sobs was unleashed and I was welcomed into her loving arms once again. Eventually, once my tears had ceased and my breathing had returned to normal, she squeezed my hands and kissed the top of my head as she said, “Forgiveness is the way out, Cadie.”

  “I’ll see what I can do,” I conceded with a sigh.

  She gently pulled away from me and stood to reopen the door. “Can you stick around for dinner?”

  I guess she thought we had said all there was to say, but I had avoided Lamentations, so I couldn’t complain.

  “I can’t. I need to be heading back to the city so that I have time to change clothes, then I’m heading to Brooklyn with Darby.”

  “Brooklyn?” she asked in a condescending tone that had nothing to do with Brooklyn specifically. It was the same tone with which she had discussed the dreaded commute to Cold Spring Harbor for years. “Why in the world are you going to Brooklyn?”

  “Barry Manilow, baby!” The second those three little words were out of my mouth I knew what a dork I was, though I didn’t care. Not one little smidge. “Will bought me a couple of tickets months ago when they first went on sale.”

  “I’ve always wondered about the proper etiquette,” Dad said as he reappeared in the doorway and opened his arms to me. “In the event of a breakup, does one get to keep the Manilow tickets? Apparently so.”

  I groaned, but the groan quickly transformed into a laugh. “I’ll see you later.” I hugged each of them and then began walking toward the door. I stopped with my hand on the door handle and added, “Thank you.” I looked directly at my mom and said, “You don’t know how much I needed you today.”

  “Talk to Will!” she called out after me.

  Yeah . . . I’d have to build up to that one.

  19

  When All Is Said and Done

  Will stepped off the elevator onto the 85th floor and saw Darby standing there. He wasn’t quite sure what gave it away—her impatiently crossed arms and tapping toes, the death glare she was giving him, or the twenty texts and missed calls from her on his phone—but he was fairly certain she’d been waiting for him.

  “Hey, Darb.”

  “Where on earth have you been?”

  He quirked his eyebrow as he walked past her. “Specifically where on earth? 245 Park Avenue. Today was the exclusive with the commissioner, remember? Why? What’s up?”

  “Are you and Anna dating?”

  Will stopped in his tracks, fairly sure he had never heard more ridiculous words strung together in his entire life. In fact, he wasn’t even completely certain he could make sense of them. He did a double take and looked around to make sure no one was privy to Darby’s less-than-subtle questioning—particularly Anna.

  He resumed his brisk pace to The Field, and she followed after him.

  “Anna Alvarez?” he whispered. She nodded and he answered, “Of course not. Why would you even think that?”

  “I didn’t. But Cadie does.”

  He stopped so suddenly, mid-gait, that she came only about a nose-length away from running into him.

  “What in the world are you talking about?”

  Various employees walked past and nodded their greeting, and suddenly Darby was the one trying to be discreet. She motioned that he should follow her, and she took the lead as they resumed the commute to The Field.

  They rounded the corner to the executive hallway and walked down to Will’s office. As they entered, Will took off his coat, shaking the snow off of it, and hung it on the coatrack.

  As Darby shut the door behind them he asked, “So now are you going to tell me what you’re talking about?”

  “Somehow Cadie got it in her head that you and Anna are dating. That’s all there is to it, really.”

  “I have a really difficult time imagining she would care.”

  He leaned over and ran his hands through his hair to shake the remaining snow out of it. He sat down at his desk and used his dark computer monitor as a mirror as he tamed his wild mane. And then he asked. He just couldn’t help himself.

  “Does she care?”

  She shrugged. “She’s using it as additional evidence that it’s too late for the two of you.”

  As Darby took a seat in the chair across the desk from him, he powered on his computer and grabbed a spare T-shirt from the cabinet behind him to sop up the drops of melted snow that had fallen from his hair to his desk.

  “It is too late.” It hurt to admit it, but he knew it was true. “I tried, Darb. I really did give it my all.”

  “And you got so close!” She threw up her hands in exasperation. “I gave you that list of movies for research, you know.”

  “I researched. Believe me. You haven’t known a wild Friday night until you’ve been at Kevin Lamont’s house w
atching 27 Dresses, and Odell Beckham and Alex Rodriguez show up, because Kev forgot to let them know a cocktail party had been rescheduled.”

  She gasped, but it quickly turned into a laugh. “That didn’t happen!”

  “Oh, I assure you, it did. But it worked out okay. With Alex there, we breezed through Maid in Manhattan and The Wedding Planner too. So I did research, Darby. Enough research to last a lifetime.” He added under his breath, “A lot of good it did me.”

  She jumped up from her chair and threw her arms in the air again. “But you just copied stuff. I didn’t mean for it to be a Civil War battlefield reenactment, except for romance movies. I thought you would just get some inspiration.”

  Hmm. That might have been nice to know.

  “Ah, well. What’s done is done.” He sighed sadly. Hopelessly, but with great resolve.

  Surprise appeared on her face. “Seriously? You’re giving up? Just like that?”

  “Just like that? Really?” He laughed bitterly and looked up at her. “How many times—you know, according to proper romance movie etiquette—should a guy put his heart on the line and allow it to be smashed to smithereens before he finally gives up? I was thinking three. Four, maybe. But maybe I should do some more research. Maybe I should try to piece it back together one more time, so she can smash it, one more time. You think?”

  Darby’s lip began trembling and Will felt bad. He knew she only wanted what she thought was best for both of them—or at least what she thought was best for Cadie. He regretted playing the martyr card with such fervor. Even if it was an accurate representation of how he was feeling.

  “You’re right,” she acknowledged as tears pooled. She shook her head and dismissed the tears with a swipe of her hand across her eyes. “Sorry. I have no right to put this on you. I know how hard you tried.”