Crazy, Stupid, Lazy, Cupid (Cupid Inc Book 1)

by Andie M. Long

  Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Cupid and Psych

  About Andie

  Also by Andie M. Long

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Copyright (c) 2018 by Andrea Long

  All rights reserved.

  Cover by Graphics by Tammy

  Photo from Adobe Stock.

  This book is dedicated to my Whippet, Bella, my daily partner-in-crime.

  I woof you, baby girl.

  Samara

  FIRST DAY BACK IN CUPID TRAINING SCHOOL

  Monday 22 October 2018

  “Okay, so it’s time to introduce the person to your left. They should have told you enough about themselves by now.” Martine, the uber-happy, bouncy pony-tailed teacher instructed us.

  I was not uber-happy, or bouncy. I was super pissed off.

  “Samara, could you introduce the person to your left?”

  Yeah, pick on me first why don’t you?

  Sighing and blowing air above my top lip, I pointed to the woman next to me. “This is Janet.”

  The woman shook her head. “No, no. My name is Jeanette.”

  I rolled my eyes. “This is Jeanette. They have sent her back to Cupid classes because she did something dumb.” I didn’t know what it was but if she hadn’t, she wouldn’t be here would she?

  “Well, let’s not use the word ‘dumb’ shall we? Jeanette just-”

  “Fucked up?” I stated trying to be helpful.

  Martine closed her eyes for a few seconds. “Let’s move along. Max, could you please introduce Samara?”

  Max beamed like the goody-goody twat he was. From now on I was calling him Vax because of his sucking skills and being full of crap. He’d walked into class holding an apple which he’d placed on Martine’s desk. She needed to watch out. It wasn’t much of a move from stalk to stalker.

  “Samara is here because she set up Taylor Swift with Tom Hiddleston and we all know what a car crash that turned out to be.” He elbowed me. “I knew that wasn’t real. Did you give him the t-shirt? It looked like it could fit you?”

  Martine’s face clouded over. Yeah, she wasn’t so happy now, was she?

  “Samara did not set up Tom and Taylor. That is an outright lie.”

  I folded my arms over my chest. “Well someone must have done it. Seriously ruined Tom for a lot of women she did.”

  One woman in the group—who was meticulously dressed and had what I presumed was a weave—snorted and then disguised it as a cough. Why didn’t I look that glam? I’d not even bothered to brush my hair today, just stuck it straight in a bun.

  Martine stomped out of the carefully constructed circle of chairs she’d made us put together and grabbed a thick file from her table. Then she stomped back in.

  “Here we go. Samara Leighton. Reasons for being back at Cupid Inc Training Headquarters.”

  Uh oh!

  “Samara’s behaviour towards her local colleagues resulted in one colleague being ridiculed and having to seek counselling. I quote. ‘What kind of person draws attention to an unfortunate mishap of another? Samara is crazy’.”

  “Crazy is not waxing your vagina and then sitting with your legs apart in a spa.” I informed everyone. Martine continued, her voice getting louder.

  “Samara went on a date with her now husband and used one of her own arrows to shoot him. Totally against policy. A stupid move.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “It was just insurance. It was love at first sight anyway. We’re madly in love. The best match ever.” I looked at the other faces sat around. “Well we were. Now my husband is in doggy day care. DOGGY. DAY. CARE. They turned him into a dog. Now that’s stupid.”

  Martine continued undaunted. “Samara’s monthly inputted figures included those pairings from Withernsea Dating Agency, run by Shelley Landry, with no actual input from Samara at all.”

  I was getting annoyed now by their nitpicking. “It says pairings for the month on the form. It doesn’t specifically say my pairings. That’s on Cupid Inc. They should be more specific.” I complained.

  “It’s lazy, Samara.”

  Putting my hand behind Max’s back, I threw my voice. Ventriloquism was my secret weapon. I spoke in a stupid voice. “So everyone, this is Samara. She’s crazy, stupid, and lazy.” I dropped my hand and stared at Max. “That’s how you need to announce me to all the others, Vax.” I informed him.

  “Max.”

  “What-ev-er. My introduction is complete. Who’s next?”

  The others in the circle continued with introducing themselves. I’d tell you about them, but I wasn’t listening to be honest. I was sitting with a bunch of losers. When the discussion reached the woman who had snorted though, I did pay attention because she seemed like a potential ally in this class of ass.

  The guy at her side introduced her. “This is Destiny. She is in the class because she hacked into the database and changed her figures every month. She says she hasn’t matchmade for two years.”

  “Yeaaassss.”

  All heads swivelled around to stare at me.

  “Sorry, just thought of a matchmaking idea. My apologies for interrupting. Carry on.”

  Destiny spoke. “I find it difficult to find the motivation to engineer love between people now I’ve seen the heartbreak it can cause first-hand.”

  Ah, I bet she was divorced or something.

  Martine asked us to move back to sit behind a desk each. “Samara. I saved this seat for you.” She said, pointing to one right at the front, just as I headed towards the rear of the classroom. Goddamn it. Now I wouldn’t get away with watching Netflix on my mobile phone. Destiny came and sat upfront at the desk alongside mine. She whispered in my ear as she walked past. “I’ll sit near you; you’re the only one who looks anywhere near sane.”

  At least I’d made a friend.

  I’d temporarily moved from my home in Withernsea where I owned a pet grooming salon. Cupid Inc had arranged staff cover for me there while I did my retraining, which at least was something. They’d also provided a flat in a block alongside the school and there were subsidised meals in the cafeteria. I’d decided that I would eat a hearty meal at lunchtime so I could grab a quick sandwich or send for a takeaway in an evening. It was strange cooking for one. Even stranger giving my husband Johnny a packet of Pedigree Chum in gravy, followed by a Dentastix to protect his teeth.

  Shit had gone down with Cupid himself. This was why I was here, and my husband was now a fawn coloured Whippet. It really rankled that the training school had a creche for the children of students, but there was no day care for my husband. Dogs weren’t allowed in school. Well, the animal variety anyw
ay. There were plenty of photogenically challenged folks around here. I was tempted to offer a few a discount for the grooming salon. While Martine wittered on, I went into a daydream about how I’d ended up in this predicament.

  We were in our apartment and getting dressed to go to our friends Lucy and Frankie’s wedding reception. This was the second time we’d attempted to get dressed because we were madly in love and lust and eying each other in our underwear just before we put on our evening attire had resulted in a healthy session of sexy times.

  Johnny was just fastening up the zip on my dress when the doorbell rang.

  “Who’s that?” Johnny asked, in the mindboggling way he also seemed to think I was a mind-reader on occasion.

  “No idea.”

  I followed Johnny out into the hallway where he walked towards the door, with me in pursuit. I was pretending to be interested in who was there but the truth was that I was ogling my husband’s butt which looked AMAZING in his suit trousers; the material hugging those buns. Mmmmm.

  However it was like an ice-cold shower rained straight down on my vagina when the door opened to reveal my boss from my other job. Cupid himself stood in the doorway. Boy, if he was here, I was in some serious shit. I blamed my husband’s arse. If it wasn’t so peachy I’d have still been in the bedroom and could have escaped through the window, given we were on the ground floor.

  “Samara.” Cupid boomed. “Good to catch you in. Can I have a word?”

  Of course my husband had not met Cupid. He turned around. “Is this your… dad?” He whispered.

  I burst into hearty giggles. “Johnny, this is Cupid. Cupid, this is my husband, Johnny. Who thinks you’re my father. Come through.” I beckoned him in. “Right, I’ll open a bottle of wine. I need a drink, I don’t know about anyone else.”

  “Samara, I can’t believe you said that about me thinking he was your dad in front of him. There was a reason I whispered it to you.” Johnny shook his head.

  “He does know my father so it will have amused him. Daddy dearest was one of his star pupils. But anyway, I don’t have time to go into that now.” I’d refused to speak about my parents. We didn’t get along. “Let’s see what he’s here for.”

  I walked into the living room to find Cupid sitting on my red sofa. He took on the human appearance of a middle-aged man with blonde hair and rosy-red cheeks and was on the plump side. I offered him a glass of wine.

  “No thank you, Samara. I’m off to the wedding reception next. I want to introduce myself to Shelley.”

  “Oh?”

  “Cupid Inc is having a bit of an internal shake-up, a makeover of sorts. We have to move with the times so things are going to be done differently around here.”

  I started to relax. Looked like he was just visiting Withernsea to give us all an update. Good of him to do it in person. He always had stayed very hands-on in his role, still shooting arrows on a regular basis and creating love matches.

  I sat on the chair opposite and Johnny perched on the arm of the sofa.

  “So, what can I do for you? Needing advice on new systems?”

  Cupid cleared his throat. “I’m afraid it’s a little more serious than that, Samara dear. This visit has been a long time in coming. You have already received a series of visits and audits from Cupid Inc staff and each time they gave you a warning. I am here now with a final one.”

  My jaw dropped.

  “A final warning? Why?”

  He looked at me in the way you might look at a simpleton. Did he think I was one?

  “Samara. You have worked for Cupid Inc since you were sixteen years old. Giving you a job was a no-brainer given your impeccable parentage and your talent for matchmaking. But somehow over the years something happened. You lost your mojo, spark, whatever you want to call it. You’re paid by Cupid Inc to work, but you’ve been using figures from the dating agency. That’s fraud, Samara, claiming someone else’s work as your own.”

  “Steady on. Your data collection does not specifically ask who I have set up. It asks for total matches. It’s not my fault if your current systems need updating.”

  Cupid sighed. “I see I’m going to get nowhere in trying to talk to you, the same as those who visited before me. So this is what’s going to happen, Samara.” The rosy cheeks he had faded away and in front of me was a stern, pale-faced Cupid.

  Fuck, I broke Cupid!

  “You will return to training school, to take you back to the beginning to try to find your love of love. Once you graduate, you will be sent to Cleethorpes to complete a period of probation. There are no dating agencies in Cleethorpes, so you won’t be able to use their figures or resources. Once this is complete, if you wish, you can return to Withernsea. Someone from Cupid Inc will be in touch shortly about your start date.”

  “I can’t leave.” I protested. “What about my grooming salon and Johnny’s veterinary practice?”

  “Both of your jobs will be covered while you take a leave of absence and your wages will continue to be paid into your bank account. You will also be provided accommodation at the school. There is an accommodation block at the site.”

  “You can’t expect my husband to just give up his job like that. It’s not fair.” My jaw clenched.

  “What’s not fair, Samara, is you being blissfully, happily married, while all the people you should have matched are walking around single. Not everyone joins a dating agency. There are people in Withernsea sad and lonely because of you. And that’s why this is happening.”

  A woman appeared in the living room with an accompanying bang. I almost needed new panties.

  “Hello, Samara.” The woman said, her blue and black hair billowing despite the fact there was no noticeable breeze. She looked like a shampoo advert. Her eyes were violet, and she wore a tight, dark silk dress that was floor length and had flared sleeves. I had style envy. She looked amazing.

  “Who are you?” I asked.

  “I’m Fate, Samara, and this, what’s happening here right now, is yours.” She lifted a hand near Johnny and with another loud bang, the woman who called herself Fate was gone. Only so was my husband. I sat with Cupid and a barking dog. Could this day get any worse?

  “Okay. My head is starting to hurt. That was Fate, and she’s pinched my husband and left me with a dog. Why?”

  Cupid smiled slowly. “Yes, that was Fate. But she didn’t take your husband.” He pointed to the dog. “That is your husband. The Whippet.”

  I screamed, which made the dog bark even louder, and it began tearing around the living room.

  “Johnny, stop. Calm down.”

  “The dog will calm when you calm.”

  “How can he?” I yelled. Cupid raised a brow.

  “Sorry, but I’m concerned. How can my husband be calm when he’s been turned into a… what was it?”

  “A Whippet. Johnny doesn’t know he’s a dog. When Johnny is turned back, he’ll just be the same as he was before turning. In the meantime, he knows you’re his owner and he’s waiting for your commands.” The doorbell rang. “That’ll be the delivery guy with some basic pet stuff for you, leads and food and suchlike. I’ll just go sign for it while you have some processing time.”

  Processing time? I needed serious therapy. Meanwhile Johnny the Whippet walked over and licked my hand. I petted his head. “Hey there. Bit of a difference with what you were licking earlier, hubby. I’m so sorry they did this to you. I’ll get you back as soon as I can.”

  Cupid walked back in carrying boxes. “We didn’t do this to him. You did. That’s why you need to go back to school, Samara. You need to realise your actions have consequences and learn how to move forward. Anyway, it’s time for me to leave. Hopefully the next time I see you will be at your re-graduation. Take care.”

  With that, he left me alone with a Whippet and a couple of boxes of pet products, along with an uncertain future.

  “Samara. Samara Leighton. Have you been listening to a word I’ve been saying?”

  Oh
shit, Martine was glaring at me.

  “Yes, of course.” I lied. “It’s all been very interesting.”

  “So you agree that it would be good for you to clean the bathrooms here to learn the basics? Oh that’s fantastic.”

  “Pardon? What did you just say? I’m not cleaning toilets.”

  Martine stood, hand on her hips, looking triumphant. “And that proves you weren’t listening because I never mentioned any such thing. The only crap you have to clean up is your attitude. I’m referring you to Mr Carver.”

  “The Principal? I’m being sent to the Principal’s office?”

  “Yes, you are. Go there straight after lunch. Class dismissed.”

  I was being sent to see the Principal on the first day? That would prove interesting.

  “You going to the cafeteria for lunch?” Destiny asked standing at the side of me.

  “Erm, I guess so. I didn’t turn up for the tour so I’ve no idea what’s here and where it is.” I confessed.

  “Come on then.” She nodded towards the classroom door. “I’ll show you to the cafeteria and then give you a tour around the place. We can finish off at the Principal’s office.”

  “Gee thanks.” I replied, but I followed her out of the classroom giggling to myself as the thought hit me that anyone who dated my new friend had a date with Destiny.

  Samara

  The cafeteria was busy, but Destiny found us a seat. We left our coats across two chairs before queuing for food. I bought lasagne, chips, and a coke, while Destiny went for a jacket potato with tuna, and salad. While I stood in the queue, I looked around me. It was so strange being back here. It’d been ten years since I’d passed my first training which I’d done with flying colours. All I’d done since I’d arrived yesterday was to unpack the minimal belongings I’d brought with me. While the cafeteria was clean, and the food looked okay, I missed my friend Jax’s coffee shop already. The friends I’d made in Withernsea were awesome and I couldn’t believe I was having to start again with a new social circle for however long I was stuck in this living nightmare.