Crazy, Stupid, Lazy, Cupid (Cupid Inc Book 1)

by Andie M. Long

  Then he began to act strangely. Every time we passed a couple walking—whether they had a dog or not—he tried to pull towards them, nearly wrenching my arm out of the socket.

  “What on earth is going on with you, Johnny?” I admonished as he tried to get in the path of a young couple holding hands. They had to part hands and walk either side of us.

  “Enough already. These people are enjoying their romantic walk and you’re spoiling it.” I grumbled.

  Bark. Bark. Bark.

  “Johnny. I’m taking you home in a minute. I don’t know what’s got into you. Do you need a run off lead?”

  He laid on the ground refusing to move, and I sighed heavily, muttering ‘this fucking dog’ under my breath. I had to smile at a passing family as he just laid there. Then once again as a couple came past with their dogs, he leapt up and tried to barge through the middle of them.

  I ran a hand through my hair. “I am so very sorry. He seems to have taken against romance in the park.” I explained.

  The guy reached down and patted Johnny’s head. “Hey there, fella. You can’t be doing that. A stroll as it starts to get dark is romantic, pup, and this is where we met. Right here.”

  Bark. Bark. Bark.

  They met here.

  OH. MY. GOD.

  Suddenly I got it.

  “Well, good to meet you.” I said to the couple. “Come on, Johnny. Let’s get our walk finished as I have that assignment to do tonight.”

  He jumped up eagerly and we began our walk again. “So can you understand me?” I asked him. “Do you understand my words and know what I’m saying? Are you my husband in there?”

  A woman walking past looked at me very strangely at that point.

  My Fitbit buzzed on my arm telling me my phone was ringing. I took it from my pocket. It was Ebony, my friend from Withernsea who was a seer, meaning she often got visions about the future.

  “Hey, Ebs. How is everyone?”

  “We’re good, but it’s strange around here without you. That Rebecca woman is hanging around trying to befriend us all. I don’t like her or trust her. I’ve had no visions of anything but just watch your back. She’s trying to be all nice and friendly but she’s also up her own arse about being in charge of Withernsea and Hornsea at the moment.”

  “Okay, I will. Thanks for the heads up.”

  “That’s not what I’m calling about though. I had a vision of you talking to the dog and I remembered. We forgot to tell you that Shelley has created a spell so that when you are stuck with any studies, you will be given helpful clues. Could be the dog, could be something else. It’s not cheating, it’s just a little support. Think of it like a mystical study buddy.”

  “Oh.” My stomach plummeted as the realisation that my husband was not communicating with me in dog form hit home. That it was actually the result of a spell. “Well, thank you for letting me know and please thank Shelley very much for thinking of me and helping.”

  “We want you back here as soon as possible. You belong in Withernsea. We get you back and this Rebecca gone. That’s how it should be.”

  “Aww, Ebs. I miss you too. Still having lots of hot newlywed sex?”

  “Yes, he’s currently down the bedcovers as we speak, so I’d better go before he notices.”

  “EBONY!”

  “What? I have to call people when my visions hit. He’s aware of that fact. It’s part of who I am.” She hung up, no doubt to start mewling and writhing. Massive jealousy pangs hit me. No sex with my own husband, not unless I wanted to be arrested.

  “Ew.” I said out loud. “I could really do with being able to shut my brain off.” I looked at Johnny. “When you’re human again we’re gonna be at it like rabbits.”

  The same woman jogged past again, mumbling ‘nutter’ under her breath as she ran on.

  “And for that, you can stay single.” I told her as the tingle registered with me.

  Had I not told you that? Us Cupid reps can send out ‘feelers’ to people. You get a tingle for a single. It hits your heart like a small frisson of excitement that you can, if you want, look for a mate for them. I’d forgotten how nice the tingle felt. Like the promise of happiness. But there was none for her because she thought I was insane. It wasn’t my fault my husband currently had four legs and the cutest little leather looking nose.

  We called at the chip shop as planned on the way home and I shared a few of my chips with Johnny. He was only supposed to eat his dog food, but his puppy dog eyes and little begging face, plus the fact he’d been so helpful in the park, made me accidentally drop a few chips on the ground which he vacuumed up.

  Full of chips and the effects of the vodka on an empty stomach, I felt okay for the first time since all the hassle with Rebecca had started.

  Back in the flat, I wiped Johnny’s paws, put away his leads, and sat back in front of the computer while he curled up in the chair. I got up and covered him in a blanket so he was cosy, and then decided another vodka was in order while I was on my feet. Finally, I opened the document again and began to type.

  Where to find the best places to matchmake.

  Samara Leighton.

  When considering places to matchmake, sometimes the simplest things are the most effective. For example, walking in the local park tonight, I met a couple walking their dogs who had met there, and they were very happy. Their shared love of dogs had led to their match. I noted the single tingle from other visitors to the park. Some were joggers, others dog walkers, and I realised that this was a perfect place to matchmake. The length of the park is such that without a little help, some made-for-each-other couples may never actually meet. So this is the place I shall focus on for my in-depth assignment.

  While the same could be said for places like, for example, chip shops, I feel they would not offer as many people with shared interests to form a relationship from. Most visitors to the fish and chip shop I visited while researching were parents who didn’t want or have time to make meals. Though coffee shops are another potential source as lots of singles frequent them, I believe the park is the best shared interest resource for me to explore for my future assignments, given I have my own dog and so can work from there without causing suspicion.

  I quickly opened a page on my web browser and typed in ‘we met dog walking’. After becoming confused when I read about parking up in cars and watching, I realised I’d clicked on a dogging article instead. I parked that one in my fantasy bank for later and went back to the main menu, finding a couple of relevant articles on dog walking and copying the links.

  Below are the links to supplementary research of people who met while walking their dogs who have gone on to be very happy together.

  I submitted the assignment and then printed a copy of everything out too and put all of this in my folder. Looking at how comfy and warm Johnny looked in his chair, I decided that a nice leisurely bath was the order of the night. Somewhere I could laze for an hour as a reward for my hard work of today. I was going to ace this course, ace my placement in Cleethorpes and get my husband and home back.

  This Cupid was going to prove she wasn’t stupid, lazy, or crazy. Well, maybe I was lazy, but as long as I made my matches they shouldn’t care. Perhaps it was time for me and Johnny to get a dog when we returned home? He’d have the ‘child’ he wanted. I’d have a fur baby who could come to work with me at the grooming salon, and every night I could walk them and get my Cupid quota in.

  It was a total win-win.

  My phone beeped. A text from Ebony.

  Had a vision. Check out Kensington neighbourhood group on Facebook.

  I opened it up. Gah, firstly I had to join. I hit the join group button and answered the questions of why I wanted to be there.

  I just moved into the neighbourhood.

  A few moments later the admin accepted me into the group. I began looking through the posts.

  Mum and Baby group starts Friday!

  Anyone know of any local jobs?

  Bew
are - strange woman in park.

  Oh god. I read on.

  Susan Meyer

  Just a heads up that I twice jogged past a woman talking to her dog as if it was her husband. She was small, with long blonde curly hair. If anyone sees her again, it might be worth a call to the local police to see if she might need some additional help. Maybe just lost her husband and grieving? Don’t forget everyone. If you get in trouble in the park blink your eyes lots of times and hopefully a member of the neighbourhood watch team will see and be able to help!

  Looked like I wouldn’t be able to conspicuously matchmake after all. Damn nosy woman.

  Samara

  I woke up the next morning with a spring in my step. Luckily, I wasn’t someone who suffered with horrendous hangovers. After showering and dressing in a top and jeans, I grabbed my backpack and got Johnny ready for his morning walk.

  “Come on, J. Let’s get some fresh air and then I’ll drop you off on my way to school.” Johnny had jumped onto the sofa when I’d hit the shower and was currently curled up in a ball with no signs of any intention to move. “Johnny.”

  Eyes flicked up to me and back down as if to say, ‘you can’t possibly mean me and if I just ignore you maybe you’ll go away’. I sighed. The one morning I actually felt motivated, and the dog was being a couch potato. “Johnny, come and get a treat.” I walked over to the kitchen cupboard, opened the door and got a treat from his tin. I heard a thump of him getting down and a trot in. Johnny bowed down at the front in a gentle stretch. “Oh, do take your time, darling, I have all day.” I said sarcastically. He ate the treat and stretched again, then looked longingly back at the cupboard containing the treats.

  “I think not. At this rate I’m going to be late.” I grumbled.

  Finally out of the door, we walked around the park again and then I dropped him off at doggy day care. Where was my wake-up call from my husband, where I was brought a hot drink by a hot man? I was going to call my current routine Ground-dog day.

  I made it into school twenty minutes before the first lesson which gave me time to head to the cafeteria to get myself a coffee to take into class. As I walked through, I spied Destiny with another few class members. She waved. After I bought my coffee, I wandered over and took a spare seat.

  I did notice the looks that passed between certain class members, namely Vax and a woman called Mandy. Well, they were going to get a surprise today because this woman was bringing her A-game. “Morning all.” I said with a huge grin. “Did you all get your assignments done? I’m very pleased with mine.”

  “You did your assignment?” Vax’s eyes were wide.

  “Yes, of course.” I looked at my watch. “Well, I’d better set off now if I want to get to the classroom early.” More looks passed between Vax and Mandy. “And look, I bought Martine a cupcake.” I said placing a paper bag on the table.

  “I’ll come to class with you.” Destiny said, a smirk on her lips.

  “See you shortly, fellow students.” I gave them another beaming smile before I turned away.

  “What’s got into you?” Destiny queried as we walked down the corridor.

  “Just realised I have to knuckle down for the week to get out of here. I’m going to be a star pupil.”

  “This, I have to see.” Destiny shook her head and sniggered.

  “You sound just like my friends back home when I tell them any of my plans.” I stared at her. “They make that exact same face.”

  Opening the classroom door, I wished Martine a good morning, handed her the cupcake, and took my place at the front. After placing down my coffee, I took out my pencil case, and printed assignment. Bag under the desk, I sat up straight and waited for the lesson to begin. Where were the others? They needed to hurry so I could get top marks and show them all I was amazing.

  “Are you okay, Samara?” Martine looked down at my leg, and I realised I was tapping my foot rather quickly.

  Stop it foot! “I’m just excited to start and wish everyone would hurry up and get here already.”

  “There are still five minutes to go until the start of class. How many coffees have you had?” She asked me.

  “This is my second.” I had a thought. “Do you drink coffee, Martine? I’ll bring you one in the morning. Better than an apple for the teacher, isn’t it? A coffee and a cupcake.”

  “That’s quite all right, Samara. I don’t need any food or drink bringing in, but thank you for the thought.”

  “You suck up bitch.” Destiny mouthed at me. I stuck the rods up at her in return, then turned to see Martine looking at me with a raised eyebrow.

  “Just telling Destiny that I would buy you two coffees.” I smile-grimaced.

  “I drink herbal teas and actually I do like to start my day with an apple. An apple and a lemon cleanse.” Martine said. Well of course she would because she was an awkward bitch. I bet she was single. Anyone who wore a snood indoors deserved to be.

  Oh God, I was having evil thoughts again. No passing your class if you suggest new places to shop, I thought. Maybe instead of a coffee, I could buy her a nice Pashmina?

  The rest of the class walked in and took their seats. Max walked straight to the front and took out a plastic lunchbox. “This is the cake I was telling you about yesterday.” He said a little over loudly , his eyes quickly flickering over to mine. “Date and sultana, cooked with banana, and no added sugar. Completely natural and of course, homemade.” He gave a grimace pointing to the cupcake I’d given her earlier.

  He was going to find one of my arrows upside down on his seat. On second thoughts he’d probably enjoy that.

  Martine called for our attention. “Good morning, class. Today we will be talking through your assignments giving other members of the class a chance to quiz you about your choice of perfect place to matchmake. This should work to either firm up your ideas or for you to see that your idea does not work, giving you time to choose a different one. Now, who would like to go first?”

  I raised my hand high in the air.

  “Betty, we’ll start with you.” Martine said, choosing a quiet older woman who sat at the very back of the classroom.

  “Well, erm, I chose the bingo as a good place for matchmaking.” She said.

  Martine seemed to take time for a deep breath, almost like she was inwardly counting to ten.

  “And did you choose any bingo parlour in particular?”

  “Well, yes. The one in my apartment complex.” Betty said.

  “The one in your sheltered accommodation that’s for the over sixties and eighty percent female inhabited?” Martine pushed.

  “Well, we’re inclusive, aren’t we? It’s not all female and male matches is it?” Betty huffed.

  “Yes we are inclusive. However, the majority of your fellow residents are widows, are they not? I don’t suppose there are going to be many FF matches.”

  “Actually, it wasn’t as accepted back in my day, so you’d be surprised. They play that Katy Perry song at our dinner and dances. A few have kissed a girl now and liked it. We’re not dead yet you know. Also, a lot of the women fancy Fred. He’s a quite a catch. Still has his own teeth.”

  Martine sighed and looked around. “Does anyone else have any thoughts on Betty’s idea of an ideal matchmaking spot?”

  I raised my hand. Martine looked around the classroom and my eyes followed hers. No one else had their hand up.

  “Samara.”

  Well, there was no need for her to say my name with such a lack of enthusiasm.

  I turned to Betty. “While I can see you put a lot of thought into your idea…” I lied. The only thought Betty had had was how to still go to bingo when she needed to Cupid. “Personally I wouldn’t Cupid where you live. Experience tells me that after fifty-odd years with one partner, those couple of guys in your place will be enjoying the attention of all the women and making the most of it. If they decide they want another partner in future, fine, but I’d bet most of them are enjoying the peace and quiet and that t
here’s been a few middle of the night visits from Fred to a few other rooms.” I winked.

  Betty went a bit pink.

  “What about the other guys, other than Fred?” I pushed.

  “Bobby is very quiet.” She said, going even pinker.

  Yeah, very quietly making his way to Betty’s room, I’d bet.

  “Betty, are you wanting to set up some of the women so they don’t come and get Bobby?” I asked.

  “Certainly not.” She snapped, which of course meant yes.

  “Well, maybe you could look into other gambling places also for your assignment?” I suggested. “Expand. Places like Blackpool are full of hen and stag nights, plenty of potential matchmaking opportunities there amongst the slot machines.”

  “Hmmm, we do have regular trips out to the coast.” Betty said.

  “Well, there we are. That’s something else for you to think of in terms of expanding your plans.” Martine stated. “So, Samara, while you are speaking, shall we hear your idea?”

  “Certainly.” I beamed. “My idea is the park. For example my local park is full of dog walkers. I actually bumped into a couple yesterday with their dogs who had met in the park and now were madly in love.”

  “Okay.” Martine said. “Samara’s idea is the park. Anyone like to add anything? Any obstacles.”

  “What a fantastic idea.” I said, nodding at the class. “Maybe there could be a corner of the park allocated for dog exercise, with some play equipment. That would encourage all the dog lovers to that particular area and then I could set some owners up.” God, my idea was bloody brilliant.