Meandering River, Ardent Flame

by Vivian Chak

  Chapter 5: Know What You Want

  Jiang stood in ma bu , staff across her lap, afternoon sun shining warmly and a light breeze shaking the trees overhead. The wooden pagoda, when free of pilgrims, was a fixating object for contemplation, centred in the temple complex of monastery and public areas. Jiang enjoyed the view of the gardens surrounding them. They aided her in ignoring the inevitable pain that would grow as her stance weakened. At the moment, however, her feet were planted firmly in the earth, and her stance firm.

  She wondered if she might be made to recite the entire Diamond sutra before being deemed as meriting nunhood. That wouldn't be a problem. She'd memorized it within one month of arriving at the monastery with her sister, after their parents' deaths. It had been a balm, almost; something to aid her in cleansing wants and attachments. Was that accurate? Sometimes Jiang wasn't sure anymore. Living by Dharma, accumulating more knowledge, and helping the less fortunate all seemed to fill the hole that had emerged with her parent's absence. Or perhaps, this living was stretching it out, until it was large enough to go unnoticed.

  But it didn't matter, as long as the emptiness no longer bothered her. After all, I am nothing, the hole is nothing, and when the two have been recognized I will be free; attain nirvana. Jiang thought that the former was sometimes simple to attain, merely by serving others out of anything but self interest; however the hole was proving to be a lot larger than she was. She thought of Flame. As a nun, she would drop her family name and all other worldly ties. Though it was selfish of her, she worried tremendously about what her sister was going to do without her. Flame did not strike her as ever wanting to be a nun, and no one would ever make her. She sprang up. It was late afternoon, and others would be needing her. She would be late if she didn't hurry. Jiang wondered why she was so self-centred.

  Breaking into a run, Jiang sprang for the back courtyard. Dharma required that she teach today.