“Maby, that still doesn’t explain why you didn’t just tell me the truth. All you had to do was say, hey Candy, I’ve got a thing for Oliver now.”
“I was fighting it. I didn’t think it was anything real. I thought seeing him with you would make it easier for me to let go of those weird feelings.”
“But it didn’t. Because you don’t respect me as a friend.” She shook her head. “I know you never would have done anything like this to Jenny.”
“Candy.” I took a sharp breath.
“It’s true. Yes, I said it!” She glared at me. “We all know that you and Jenny were the closest out of all of us. When she went away, I thought maybe we’d get closer, but instead you’ve shut everybody out. Yes, you’re there whenever we need you, but you’re not really there.” She tilted her head to the side as she studied me. “You just pretend to care. I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner.”
“Candy! I don’t pretend. I do care!” I reached my arms out to her.
“No, don’t!” She stepped back. “Just stop. I’m sorry that you lost Jenny, I really am. But you’re not the only one who lost her. We all lost her. Then we all lost you too.” She shook her head. “We used to be a family.”
“We still are. I swear it, Candy!” Panic flooded me as I felt everything that I held dear slip away.
“It’s not true, Maby. When Jenny left, you broke inside, and instead of turning to your friends to help you heal, you turned away from all of us. I’ve tried to be there for you. I’ve tried to talk to you about Jenny, but you shut me down every time.”
“I’m sorry.” I stared at her as I realized that she was right. “I’m sorry, I just can’t talk about Jenny.”
“Because she left you. Because she made a mistake that you couldn’t forgive.”
“Because I didn’t protect her!” I clasped my hands into fists at my sides. “Because when she needed me most, I wasn’t there for her. Because maybe if I had tried harder, she wouldn’t have disappeared!” My knees grew weak as grief caused all my muscles to clamp down.
“Oh, Maby.” Candy sighed as she touched my cheek and looked into my eyes. “When are you going to get it through your head that you’re not in charge of everyone? Jenny did what she did because she wanted to. Because in that moment, all that mattered to her was what she was feeling. It happens. She didn’t do it because you weren’t a good enough friend.” She let her hand fall away as she sighed. “I wish you would have told me the truth about what you were feeling all that time.”
“I wish I had too.” I looked into her eyes. “And I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you the truth about how I felt about Oliver. But it’s over now. I swear it.”
“I wish I could believe that.” She frowned as she pushed past me, back toward the dorm. “I just need some time to figure this all out. Please, just let me have that.”
As I watched her walk away, I flashed back to a few minutes before, when Oliver had done the same thing.
Why did I always end up alone? Why did people find it so easy to turn and walk out of my life?
I understood why Candy was upset with me. But that didn’t make it hurt any less when she didn’t look back over her shoulder. There was only one place I could go to let my feelings out, only one place I felt safe enough to truly let go.
As I ran toward the hideout, I wished with all my heart that I could just have one chance to change things. I would go back to Jenny the night we stayed up all night talking and I would demand that she break things off with her boyfriend or at the very least promise that she would be careful. Maybe if I had tried harder…
I collapsed onto the pile of pillows on the floor and closed my eyes as tears began to flow. I’d already lost Jenny and now I was about to lose Candy too. How many more people would I have to say goodbye to in my life?
I rolled over on the pillows and looked up at the ceiling. Maybe one day I would understand the emotions that threatened to suffocate me, but at the moment all I knew was chaos. Lost in the fog of anger, hurt, and regret, I almost didn’t hear the subtle knock at the door. The second knock—stronger—caused me to jump out of my skin. I sat up and stared hard at the door.
Who would be knocking?
Chapter 23
I wiped my face clean as I walked toward the door. If it was one of my friends, I couldn’t let them see how upset I was. Candy had been right about that. I had been hiding my true feelings for a long time. As I opened the door, I prepared myself to see anyone on the other side—except for the person I found there.
“Oliver.”
“It’s Ollie, isn’t it?” He looked into my eyes. “Or is that over now too?”
I swallowed hard as I felt a surge of desire for him, followed by anger that I couldn’t control it.
“I need space. I need time for this to stop being so intense.” I backed away from the door and started to close it.
“Wait.” He put his hand on the door to stop it. “I deserve more than that. After what happened with Shauna I promised myself that I wouldn’t let anyone treat me like that again.”
“I’m not trying to treat you badly.” I sighed as I took a step back and allowed him to step inside.
“Then just tell me the truth. That’s all I’m asking for. What is it about falling in love that’s so horrifying for you? What is the worst that could happen?”
“The worst that could happen?” I stared straight into his eyes. “I could get lost in these feelings for you and make a mistake that changes my entire life. My best friend, someone I thought would always be part of my life, made a mistake and she disappeared from my life because of it.”
“What do you mean by a mistake?” He narrowed his eyes. “What happened to your friend? Did she take off with some guy? Did she hurt herself? What happened?” He caught my arms just above the elbows as I tried to turn away. “You can tell me, Maby. You can finally let it out.”
“She got pregnant. Okay?” I tried to ignore the powerful feeling that his touch on my arms created within me. “She lost herself in her feelings for some guy who only wanted one thing, and when he asked her not to be careful—just one time—she made a terrible mistake. Next thing I knew, she was gone. Like, vanished. One day she was here, the next she was gone. Her number was changed, all her social media was shut down, she stopped answering my e-mails.”
“I’m sorry about that.” He tightened his grasp on my arms and looked into my eyes. “But that’s not what would happen with us. I promise you that.”
“Yes, because I won’t let it. Before all this happened, Jenny and I were on the same page. Neither of us were going to date in high school, we had our futures planned out, and we were always going to be there for one another.” I bit into my bottom lip as tears threatened my eyes. “I can’t go through that again.”
“You think I would vanish on you like that?” He ran his thumbs along the sleeves of my blouse and shook his head. “I would never do that to you.”
“You are such a liar.” I pulled my arms free from his grasp. “I know what you really want, Oliver. I know you want to go back to England. You want to go back to Shauna. Me? I’m just a way to distract yourself while you’re here.”
“Don’t say that!” He frowned as he followed me toward the rear of the building. “It’s not true, Maby.”
“Stop, just stop lying to me.” I turned back to face him. “How stupid do you think I am?” I glared at him. “I’ll admit, I let myself get caught up in you. I’m not even sure how it happened. I’m really not. Because I didn’t want it to happen.”
“Neither did I.” He winced. “When I first arrived, I felt a spark with you and it scared me.”
“Why?” I stared into his eyes.
“Because.” He frowned as he looked at me. “I didn’t want to be hurt again. I didn’t want to go through heartbreak again. So, I tried to ignore it. I tried to push it away by being a bit of a jerk.” He shook his head. “But it didn’t work. Every time I saw you, the spark just got stronger. I know i
t doesn’t seem like the right time, Maby. I know that I’m just coming out of a break-up and you have no real reason to trust me. But, just like you, I couldn’t fight it. Doesn’t that tell you something?” He caressed my cheek as he studied me. “Doesn’t it tell us both something?”
“Yes.” I licked my lips as his fingertips lingered on my cheek. “It tells us that this is nothing more than hormones and crazy emotions. I’m hurt and lonely because Jenny isn’t here and you’re heartbroken over a girl who just wasn’t that into you. It tells me that we’re trying to use each other to drown our sorrows. It tells me that none of what we’re feeling is real. It’s just an illusion to make us feel better about ourselves.”
“You think you know so much.” He drew his hand away and tapped his chest with his fist. “I know what I feel, you don’t get to tell me what I feel. You don’t know anything about what happened between me and Shauna.” He scowled at me, then glanced away. “You assume too much.”
“Then tell me.” I dared to meet his eyes as he looked back at me. “Tell me, what did I get wrong? You’re in love with her, aren’t you? You want her back, don’t you?”
He stared at me, his lips tight, but he didn’t say a word. Instead, he walked toward me until I backed up against the wall of the building.
“I was in love with her, yes,” he whispered and looked straight into my eyes. “And don’t tell me that it’s not possible. We’d liked one another since we were twelve. Never once did it cross my mind that there would be a time in my life that Shauna wasn’t at my side. She was as much a part of my life as the breath that I took. I trusted her more than I trusted my own family. I thought she felt the same way.” He glanced away from me, took a slow breath, then looked back into my eyes. “Until I walked in on her in her bedroom with a friend of mine.” His lips quivered as he continued. “She told me she was sick that night, so I wanted to bring her some soup. I wanted to keep her company and watch a movie together. But when I got there, she wasn’t sick. She was wrapped up in her sheets with someone we both considered to be a friend.”
“Ollie, I’m so sorry.” My heart ached for him as I read the pain in his eyes and heard the shudder in his voice. “I can’t even imagine how you must have felt.”
“No, you can’t.” He ran his hand back through his hair and sighed. “I’m not proud of how I acted. I was angry, I threw some things, and the next day, I wouldn’t stop calling her. I just wanted an explanation. I just wanted to know why she did what she did. I didn’t think it was wrong for me to want that.”
“It wasn’t.” I frowned. “You just wanted to understand how you could be erased.”
“Exactly.” He shook his head. “I should have just let it go, but I couldn’t. That’s when my dad insisted I take a break and come here, so that I could clear my head and have some distance from her.”
“It wasn’t a bad idea.” I took a deep breath, then crossed my arms as I looked at him. “But it wasn’t enough, was it?”
Chapter 24
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He frowned as he searched my eyes.
“Nothing.” I glanced away.
“No, tell me.” He stepped to the side to meet my eyes again. “Please, Maby, I can’t be left in the dark again. With Shauna, all I wanted to know was how she could be with this other guy. I just wanted to know what changed in her, what I did to make her change that allowed her to hurt me like that.” He drew a heavy breath. “I know that you don’t owe me anything. But I can’t walk away without having some kind of explanation. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.”
“You still want her, Ollie.” I shivered as his name rolled off my tongue. I wanted to be immune to his touch, to his eyes, to the sound of his name, but I wasn’t. My knees were just as weak as they had been when he put his arms around me for the first time—if not a little more.
“No, I don’t.” He narrowed his eyes. “That’s all behind me now.”
“Don’t lie.” I sighed and closed my eyes.
“I’m not lying, Maby.” He slid his arms around my waist and pulled me close to him. “I don’t know why you think I am, but I’m not lying. Shauna and I—we’re always going to have a history—but that’s all it is, history.”
“See, this is what proves to me that you can’t care about me, not even a little bit.” I pulled away from his embrace.
“How can you say that?”
“How can I? Because I know the truth.” I fought back a wave of hurt and forced the words from between my lips. “I heard you on the phone. I heard you begging her to give you another chance.”
“That was before you and I connected. You can’t hold that against me.” He frowned.
“No, it wasn’t before. It was earlier today. Before lunch. I heard you and I heard how desperate you sounded.” I blinked back tears, then shook my head. “I get it. I understand why you’re still hung up on her. I don’t blame you if you’re still in love with her. But why would you lie to me? How can you say that you care about me one second and lie through your teeth the next?”
“I’m not lying.” He reached for my hands.
I jerked them away and leaned against the back door of the building. “You wanted her to be honest with you, right? If she had just told you that she wanted to see other people, you would have been able to get over that. But she didn’t. She conned you. She kept you waiting in the wings while she had fun with a new guy. I know that had to hurt. I know it did, because it’s the same thing that you’ve done to me.” I turned the knob on the door and glared at him. “I’m no one’s good time, Ollie. I will never be that. Good luck with Shauna, I honestly hope it works out, but you aren’t going to ruin my life in the meantime.”
“Maby, you don’t understand!” He reached for me again.
“You’re right, I don’t.” I stepped out of his reach, through the back door, then pointed my finger at him. “Do not follow me. Do you understand me?”
“Please.”
“Don’t!” I glared at him. “If you follow me, I’ll report you to the principal and to security and you’ll get sent back to England far earlier than you planned.”
“Maby, this is crazy!”
“I’ve warned you. If you take one step in my direction, I’m going straight to the principal’s office. I’m not going to be toyed with. You had me on your hook, but I wiggled free, so just let me go.” I started to close the door.
“Listen to me!” He lunged toward me, but the door closed before he could reach me.
Then I ran. I wasn’t afraid of him. I knew that he wouldn’t hurt me. I was afraid that if he caught me, I would give in to what I really wanted and kiss him.
Kiss him, despite everything that I knew to be true, despite the fact that he would never actually feel about me the way that I had to finally admit I felt about him. I needed to be as far from him as possible so that my brain would have time to rewire itself. I would not risk being any more hurt than I already was and I certainly would not risk losing any more friendships.
When I reached my dorm room, I slammed the door closed and locked it.
“Maby?” Fifi glanced up from the book she held, her eyes wide. “What’s going on? Is something wrong?”
“No!” I gulped as I realized I’d shouted. “No, nothing is wrong anymore. Everything is just fine.” I walked past her into my bedroom.
“Maby, I’ve never seen you like this.” She followed me into my room and paused just inside the door. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, like I said. I needed to end things with Oliver and I did.” I took a shaky breath as I met her eyes. “It’s for the best. I need you to agree with me.”
“If you say it’s for the best, then I believe you.” She walked over to me. “But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.” She hugged me. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“Me too.” I sighed as I rested my head on her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her. “I never thought this would happen to me.”
�
�It happens to everyone eventually.” She squeezed me, then took a step back to look at me. “If you want to talk about it, I’m willing to listen.”
“I know. I just can’t.” I sank down onto my bed and clasped my hands together. “I need to detox from anything Oliver. Can you help me with that?”
“I’ll do my best.” She sat down beside me. “I’ll keep him away from you and I’ll never speak in an English accent, I promise.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” I smiled, despite the heaviness in my chest and the tears that welled up in my eyes.
I was lucky to have Fifi and all my other friends. For the first time since Jenny had left, I could see that. Unfortunately, it didn’t erase the hurt that made my entire body ache.
“I’m going to make us some popcorn, put a movie on, and get the ice cream out of the freezer.” Fifi gave my knee a light slap. “Don’t worry, we’ll have this boy off your back before you ever have to see him again.”
“How?” I looked up at her helplessly.
“The same way any girl gets over a boy. We’ll watch movies with hot Hollywood actors that will make us forget all about—oh—oh, what was his name? Never mind.” She winked at me, then headed out into the kitchen.
I closed my eyes and hoped that she would be right. I didn’t know how long I could tolerate the racing thoughts that took over my brain. I didn’t want to think about him, but the more I tried not to, the more I wondered where he was, what he might be doing, and when I might see him again.
He’s a liar, Maby. A liar and in love with someone else. Let him go.
A small part of me regretted closing the door in his face. Maybe if I’d let him talk, he could have given me an explanation that I could understand.
I pushed the possibility away from my mind. It would have just been another lie.
Chapter 25
Worth the Wait: A Young Adult Sweet Romance (Oak Brook Academy Book 4) Page 10