Before I Saw You

by Emily Houghton

  Alice’s eyes widened.

  ‘Don’t look at me like that – I wanted to know how you were really getting on.’ Sarah nudged her affectionately. ‘There’s nothing stopping you getting yourself up and out! You know I’ll be right by your side if you want me to.’

  Here they were: the first signs that Sarah wasn’t going to go quietly.

  Alice looked at her friend with all the ‘don’t start this now’ energy she could muster.

  Sarah raised her hands. ‘OK, we’ll leave it for now,’ she whispered, and then kissed her on the forehead. ‘Alfie, I really don’t give a shit about your crossword, but if you must know the answer is “lifer”, and I suspect you’ve already guessed that because it’s bloody obvious, BUT what I am interested in is how you’re going to keep Alice in the manner she’s now accustomed to after I leave?’

  God, Sarah was relentless. And quick. Without breathing, she’d changed tactics and was charging full speed ahead, not giving Alice any time to rein her in.

  ‘You’ve only just got here!’ Alice exclaimed.

  ‘I know, but I want to give Alfie here adequate time to make arrangements.’ There was a devilish glint in her eye that made Alice’s heart sink.

  ‘And what manner is that?’ There was a playful note in his voice that Alice was not a fan of.

  ‘Well-fed, entertained and adored.’

  ‘Right. Duly noted. And yes, lifer is correct, well done.’ Both girls rolled their eyes at each other. ‘I’ll have to come back to you on the answer to your question. Even if I had two legs, I wouldn’t be able to go and get takeout for breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner. But leave it with me. I have other skills that can be of use, don’t you worry.’

  ‘I’m actually kind of worried now,’ Alice cut in, punching her friend on the arm. ‘What the hell are you doing? He’s going to go to town now!’ she whispered.

  ‘Of course he is. That’s the whole idea, my love.’

  ‘Alice?’ The nurse’s voice from outside her curtains sounded cautious. Although she was now speaking and, God forbid, laughing, the team on the ward still seemed wary of her. How difficult had she really been to look after? she wondered.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘The doctor is here. Can we come in?’

  ‘Of course.’ Alice felt her body stiffen as she sat up a little straighter. She never liked it when he visited.

  ‘Hi Alice, how are you doing today?’ Mr Warring had his gaze fixed firmly on the notes in front of him, and didn’t quite clock the new visitor sitting on Alice’s bed.

  ‘I’m OK, thank you. Is it all right if my friend Sarah stays for this?’

  His head jerked upwards. His face twisted with shock, confusion and delight all at once.

  ‘Yes, certainly.’ He shook Sarah’s hand earnestly and Alice couldn’t help but register a genuine sense of relief in his demeanour.

  Sarah didn’t even pause for breath before the interrogation began. ‘So, what’s the latest? How is she healing? There was mention of another surgery, I believe?’

  ‘Oh, right. Yes … well …’ His eyes darted back and forth between the pair of them, clearly unsure to whom he should be directing his answers – the patient or the protector. ‘In terms of your healing, the physio reports are showing good improvement in your physical strength, which is encouraging. Although we really need you to start moving more frequently to keep the momentum up – even just walking to the toilet will help.’

  ‘I can’t.’ Her voice was thick with panic. She needed to find a way to stay in her protected bubble for as long as possible.

  ‘OK, well, until you feel confident enough for that, walking around your cubicle bay will do. We need anything to get you up and about. It’s important, Alice.’

  She nodded reluctantly.

  ‘Anyway, I’ll check the wounds myself now, and if all is OK then we can discuss … other options.’

  Sarah was practically pulling off the dressing herself when Mr Warring started to shuffle uncomfortably.

  Something’s not right.

  ‘What is it? Is something wrong?’ Alice’s voice was firm. This wasn’t one of Alfie’s stupid puzzles; she didn’t have time for guessing games any more.

  ‘Nothing is wrong per se …’ He lowered his voice and moved closer to the bed. ‘I’m just a little concerned about the emotional aspect of your recovery. The nurses tell me that you still haven’t seen yourself properly and that your interactions with other people continue to be limited.’

  ‘So making friends with other patients is now a measure of my emotional stability?’

  The anger rose surprisingly quickly; she could feel her palms sweating and her teeth clenching together. How dare he? How dare he decide what she was fit enough to do? It was her body, after all.

  ‘No, but I can’t recommend you for future surgery if you haven’t seen the extent of your current injuries, Alice. Any further operations would be optional, and I have to be sure you’ve made a sound and informed decision. Right now, I don’t think I can confidently say you have. There is a huge amount of support here for you if you need it. We have a fantastic team of counsellors, if you wanted me to refer you to speak to someone?’

  Been there, done that, and it did sweet fuck all.

  ‘Thank you, doctor.’ Sarah, sensing Alice’s tension, took control. ‘I think Alice might need some more time to think this all through, but it’s important information that we needed to know.’

  ‘Of course, take your time. You know where I am if you have any further questions. I’ll do my examination quickly and then be out of your way, but remember we are all here to help you.’

  She didn’t need their help. Alice had everything she needed right here. It wasn’t that she couldn’t – she just didn’t want to face up to her injuries yet. Her limbs she could cover up, find ways to mask and deflect attention away from the disfiguring scar tissue. But her face … Now that was a whole different story. Knowing what she’d be stuck with for life was too big a task to comprehend, but it seemed unavoidable. It wasn’t that she’d been fixated on her physical appearance before the accident. Truthfully, it had never been something she’d focused on too much. Looking back, she wondered whether that was because she didn’t need to. She knew she wasn’t unattractive, and she’d had enough propositions throughout her life to know she was blessed with a good set of features. Features she’d taken for granted. A face she had unknowingly underappreciated, until the moment it was taken away from her. Now she had no idea what she was left with; reality had come knocking and it was refusing to go away.

  32

  Alfie

  As soon as she’d said the words, his mind went into overdrive.

  ‘Well-fed, entertained and adored.’

  Maybe it was the teacher in him, maybe he was grateful for a task other than learning to walk again, or just maybe he was excited at the possibility of creating something especially for Alice. Either way, there were fireworks going off in his head and ideas sparking everywhere.

  Before he got too carried away, he remembered there were some clear boundaries he had to work within. Things had to be small-scale and possible to execute without her having to get out of bed: rule number one.

  Rule number two was obvious. Whatever he planned had to be fun. Alfie knew, from his mother’s extensive research, that happiness and laughter could improve a patient’s recovery significantly. He was confident he could nail this one.

  Think like Alice: rule number three.

  Despite all his creative excitement, the conversation happening next door hadn’t escaped him.

  Another operation?

  The thought filled him with a sense of unease. Surely that was a big step to take? He knew from his own injuries that there were creams which could help reduce scarring. But then again, the sight of her hand alone had told him that these weren’t your run-of-the-mill surgical scars. Her injuries were in a different league, but still … to resort to another surgery?

  Then
he stopped.

  He barely knew this woman. From the outside it was an absurd situation. Two strangers talking all day every day but never actually meeting face-to-face? Could you even call that a friendship?

  His head started to pound from all the thinking, his feelings blurring into one another until his insides felt like one giant melting pot.

  ‘Alfie, you’ve gone awfully quiet.’ Sarah’s voice sounded concerned; not so much about his welfare but more, he supposed, about what he was planning.

  ‘Geniuses need time to think. I’m taking my new role very seriously.’

  ‘New role?’

  ‘Yes, Chief Entertainment and Recovery Officer.’

  ‘Let me guess … you’re an only child, right?’

  ‘Wrong! But I’m the youngest of three boys. To avoid being beaten up and teased every day, I had to find ways to entertain myself. My imagination was a godsend.’

  A short sharp longing clawed at his heart. The three Mack brothers, so alike in looks but so different in nature. He loved them all the more for it, but neither of Alfie’s brothers had been able to visit him since the accident. The corporate sell-outs had both relocated abroad, making it even more difficult for them to escape their already demanding offices and drop by.

  ‘Well, now it’s our godsend.’ Sarah suddenly appeared in front of his bed. She silently mouthed the words ‘thank you’ and blew him a kiss. It was nice to be relied on again. He’d forgotten how great a responsibility it was to take care of another person’s loved one. That was one of the parts of his teaching job he loved the most. You were in possession of someone’s greatest gift and it was your duty to look after them.

  ‘I’m glad to see my talents are appreciated by someone on this ward. Are you sure you can’t stay here for ever? Do you have to leave us for the golden sands and sunny climate of Australia?’

  ‘Unless I want a divorce and/or unemployment for an early Christmas gift, then yes.’

  ‘Can’t argue with that one.’

  ‘Right, I’m going to go and do the obligatory family lunch with my dad and step-mum. It’s a good job they don’t know you’re not in a critical condition any more, Al. I’m unashamedly using you as an excuse to get out of there in less than two hours.’

  ‘Charming.’ Alice’s voice sounded flat. She’d retreated back to near silence ever since the doctor’s visit that morning.

  ‘What are friends for, hey?’

  A memory flashed through his mind. That was the exact same phrase Ciarán would say to Ross whenever he’d annoyed him. They were always getting at each other with non-stop pranks and teasing, but no matter how far they pushed it, they would always end up laughing about it a moment later.

  Fuck.

  Even the good memories had that familiar stab of grief and guilt associated with them. Would he ever be able to think about them without wanting to rip his own heart out and scream?

  Distract yourself, Alfie.

  Fortunately, his attention was caught by a conversation happening across the room.

  ‘Arthur, you may be over ninety, but if you don’t start doing what you’re told and looking after yourself, I swear to God I’ll leave you,’ Agnes chided. Normally her nagging of Mr Peterson was purely playful, but Alfie could tell instantly that today she wasn’t joking.

  ‘Oh, give it a rest, will you,’ Mr P huffed. ‘I’m fine. The doctors say I’m fine. The nurses are checking on me every five bleeding minutes now you’ve been on at them. What more do you want?’

  Alfie didn’t want to listen in but it was hard not to, especially when it concerned Mr Peterson’s health.

  ‘Are you eating properly? Are you taking all your medication?’ Agnes was relentless in her questioning.

  ‘Yes, woman, I am! Now, please can we just enjoy our time together, because I’m absolutely fine …’

  Mr Peterson had his curtains open just enough for Alfie to see the old man reach out for his wife’s hand. Alfie racked his brains to see if he’d noticed any further decline in Mr P’s health since the morning he supposedly overslept. Only when he tried to think did he realize that he had barely spoken to the old man in the last few days. Overcome with guilt, Alfie made a mental note to check in with him more regularly. It wasn’t OK to get caught up completely in Alice and Sarah, and forget everyone else around him.

  ‘Got any more crossword clues for me then?’ Her voice was magnetic, drawing all his attention back to her.

  He smiled. ‘I knew you’d be back for more.’

  Alice’s hand shot through the curtain, middle finger pointing proudly up at him.

  He wanted to reach out and grab it. To pull back the curtain to reveal more than just her pale scarred hand. The same question that had been plaguing him since her arrival burned fresh in his mind once again.

  Who was the girl hidden behind the curtain?

  33

  Alice

  It was funny – minus the encounter with the doctor that morning, and despite still being hospital-bound and scarred, Alice hadn’t felt this happy in a very long time. Having Sarah by her side had been the biggest gift she could have asked for. She was also very aware that their time together was short, and after today there were big decisions to be made.

  A small voice started to niggle at her.

  Make the most of her being here.

  There was no doubt in Alice’s mind that even before Mr Warring’s visit, Sarah was already planning ways to get her to look at herself in the mirror. If it was inevitable then why not go with it? Did she really have the energy to resist and fight her? Like she’d said before, only a fool would try and go up against Sarah.

  Plus, you’re going to have to face yourself at some point.

  It seemed that point in time was growing ever closer.

  For the first few days after the accident, she’d spent most of her time thinking about ways she could end it all. Life just didn’t bear thinking about. How could she ever be accepted with injuries like this? It hurt to think, let alone move. She didn’t need to look in a mirror to know that she wasn’t the same woman any more. Her life had been turned upside down and she’d been burnt inside out. The thought of reestablishing herself in a world that she knew could be cruel at the best of times felt too exhausting. Alice wasn’t blind to how critical human beings could be, and she didn’t fancy being on the receiving end of their constant judgement. It was only recently that those thoughts had quietened down and the pervasive dread and anxiety had lessened. Was she really going to live as a recluse, hiding away in her flat at the age of thirty-one? Afraid of everything, even her own reflection? Was that what she really wanted for her life?

  Can you even call that a life?

  Sarah was a stark reminder of the best of her. Maybe she really could move to Australia! She’d said it half jokingly to Alfie before, but now it didn’t seem so implausible. Maybe she could emigrate and live with Sarah. With her experience she could walk into any job she wanted, perhaps a smaller firm with less pressure and more time to relax. She could be Sarah and Raph’s on-call babysitter whenever they decided to have kids. Every day she could feel the sun on her skin and salt in her hair.

  Will moving halfway around the world actually make you happy? Or are you just running away?

  All this thinking was only making Alice more confused. Her brain felt heavy with the thoughts. The only thing that was becoming clearer was that if she wasn’t willing to die, then she had to find a way to live. And if she was going to live, she damn well needed to know what she was dealing with.

  *

  The next morning, Alice woke with the fire of determination raging inside her. She had to do it today. If she waited too long, the flames would subside and her confidence would evaporate. The moment Sarah came in, she said it. In fact, she pretty much shouted it at her.

  ‘I need to look at myself. Today. With you.’

  Sarah froze, coffees in one hand and pastries in the other. It was a rare thing to stun Sarah, but the force of what
Alice said seemed to take the breath from her lungs.

  ‘Please,’ Alice added quietly.

  And just like that, Sarah snapped back into life. ‘Of course we can, Al. Like, a million per cent yes. Do you want to do it right now? Or do you want to have some food? I could go out and get some vodka maybe?’

  Her friend was by her side, holding her hand.

  ‘As much as I’d like to be drunk, I feel like this is something I need to do sober. If I can’t face it now with you by my side, I don’t think I ever will. I need to see me, Sarah. I need to know who I am now.’

  ‘Alice Louise Gunnersley.’ Sarah became instantly resolute. Her eyes locked on Alice’s and her grip on her hand became vice-like. ‘Before we do anything, I want you to listen to me. Firstly, and most importantly, you are not defined by what you are on the outside. Do you hear me? Whatever you see in that mirror will never ever reflect the incredibly special person you are. You are pure fucking gold, Alice, and anyone with half a brain can see that. Secondly, I think you’ll be surprised; it’s really not as bad as you think.’

  ‘Breakfast first.’ It was all she could manage.

  ‘As you wish, my love.’

  Neither of them spoke the entire time they nibbled on their pastries. Alice’s mouth was so dry and her appetite wasn’t exactly strong. There was a knot in her stomach that seemed to be getting tighter and tighter with every second that passed.

  Sarah turned to look at her. ‘I’m going to have to ask the nurses for a big mirror, if that’s OK? The one in my bag is tiny and we need to do this justice.’

  ‘OK.’ The knot had decided to migrate up into her throat, making it hard to speak.

  ‘You’re the bravest person I know,’ Sarah said, as she left Alice to sit with the decision she had just made.

  This was really going to happen.

  It’s time to see who you really are, Alice.

  *

  Sarah took much longer than she thought to come back. How long did it take to find a mirror?

  It was when Alice saw the small bottle of champagne in her friend’s left hand that she realized where she’d been.