by Kim Smart
“Gonna stick to that rule of no contact during the week, huh? I bet you can’t do it. You two have been joined at the hip for years now.” Yvette liked Kerry and wished her the best but wasn’t sure she always brought out the best in Jesse. Sometimes his mood would be so dark. Not depressed but somewhat lost. “Thanks for your quick thinking yesterday in getting those cows in. There’s nothing like a good storm to change your plans.”
“Yeah, sure.” Jesse was still lost in thought and berating himself silently. He never shared his writing with anyone and this was why.
Jesse spent the week putting up hay, working cattle and preparing for winter. Some fence needed repair after the wind ripped through. It seemed they could never mark ‘done’ on their list of things to do. One day, Jesse just hoped to declare “the end” to something. He needed that sense of closure sometimes instead of open-ended work hanging over him.
Jesse loved the ranch life. He did. But then, it’s all he knew, and this ranch was the only one he knew, filled with clay and dried streams most of the year, snowstorms that blew in from nowhere to bury the place, and insidious hidden ice that took the footing right out from under you. Summer suns sucked the moisture out of every living thing leaving behind tinder ripe for ignition by the lightening reaching down from the dark thundering sky. Yes, he loved the drama nature displayed here. He also respected it.
By the time Sunday came around he was eager to hear from Kerry. They had agreed that she would start the call. He didn’t want to bother her if she was studying. It was eight that evening, nine for Kerry, when his phone finally rang. She sounded distant. She and her roommate had been at the gym. Kerry was tired, exhausted from new demands and routine. She just wanted to say hi. The call was short and utilitarian, like it was being checked off her list.
“I promise I will call earlier next week. I miss you. Only eighty-two more days ’til I see you.” And with that, Kerry was off to shower and read before bed. She was looking forward to the next week of school. He was happy for her but he was left feeling empty.
“This will be a long winter,” he thought to himself. He opened his desk drawer, pulled out a handsome leather-bound journal he ordered online, and started writing. It was nearly two in the morning before he put his pen down. He wasn’t sure what he was writing, but it felt good to be connecting with something. Pen to paper grounded him. It helped him see through his mind’s clutter. Still missing Kerry but with a new calm inside, he slept.
This became the pattern. Kerry was settling into school and was very busy with her roommate and other new friends. She had little time to talk and looked forward to seeing him during the winter break. She still didn’t mention his gift, which ended up being a relief for him. Jesse performed maintenance on all the farm vehicles during the winter so they were ready for the hard work of planting, plowing and harvesting come spring and summer. He hauled hay to the cows, chopped ice in the water tanks and plowed snow.
It had become an annual excursion for Jesse and his parents to travel to Vegas for a pro rodeo event. Chance was a roper and always made a good showing at the event. This made for a great break in November, away from the dark days and cold weather that hung around the Badlands.
This was brother Steve’s first year alone on his ranch. His beautiful bride, Vikki, developed leukemia last year, and within two weeks of the diagnosis, was buried. Vikki was trained as an organic urban farmer. She brought to their marriage a business plan which included organic greenhouse gardening for an extended season, a new farmer’s market and a community produce subscription service. Vikki was much loved in the community and in the few years of their marriage she crushed the first two goals for her business. They set a service for Perfect Pantry subscription boxes, which was scheduled to launch just weeks after Vikki died.
She was the picture of health. She went all out in pursuing her dreams but she was never pushy or over-the-top with her theories on a vegetarian lifestyle or living a chemical-free life. Even with the family, she was not pushy. Steve was so in love with Vikki that he let her manage her business and the house the way she believed was in their best interest. He continued to raise beef cattle and spray the crops for toxic weeds. When he wanted a steak, he grilled it and became a great grill chef who enjoyed throwing a big barbecue for the family and friends occasionally.
They were happy until that day when her annoying allergies became something much more ominous. Steve finally insisted that she go to the emergency room because she had such tightness in her chest she wasn’t able to take a deep breath. She relented, and they drove the fifty-four miles to the nearest regional hospital. Vikki joked on the way, still not believing that there was anything profoundly wrong with her.
“We will look back on this next year and wish we had the money we’ll spend to pay the hospital bill for having our new baby Davies.” They had always wanted a family. They waited a year after their marriage before trying to get pregnant. Vikki stopped taking the pill, but three passed and they had not yet conceived. They didn’t worry that they had not yet welcomed in little Davies.
The admitting nurse took her history in the emergency room. The emergency room doctor came to meet with them and examine her. Dr. Baldwin said that Vikki looked like maybe she had developed walking pneumonia but more tests were necessary. A CT scan of her chest showed bigger problems. They found multiple enlarged lymph glands. Then her blood tests came in. She was in full-blown acute myeloid leukemia and everything the doctors did to save her life failed. She opted not to embark on the chemotherapy journey, believing it would be futile in restoring her to the level of health and quality of life she desired.
Buffalo Ridge came together as a community and held prayer vigils, helped Steve on the ranch so he could spend time with Vikki at the hospital, and donated to the cost of her hospital care. Not because the Davies family needed it, but because watching out for one another is what communities do. Vikki was too sick to return home with hospice care. There were too few services available and no nurses in the area to hire. Rural living can be hard. She had a private room in the hospital for the days she was there.
“Steve, my knight in shining armor.” On one of her last coherent days, before slipping into an unresponsive state, Vikki shared her heart with her husband. “You have been my everything. Together we have been so happy and I cannot thank you enough for all you have given me. I ask you for one last gift.”
“What is that, my love? I will do anything for you.” Steve lay beside his whisper of a wife, gently holding her.
“Find love again. You owe that to you. You owe that to me.” He had no words to respond. He just lay, holding her, holding back his tears. Letting those heavy words pass through. He could not bear to think of someone else in his arms. He wanted only to keep her alive, any way he could.
Steve tried valiantly to keep her business dreams alive and manage the ranching operation. His dream was to open an experiential dude-ranch where city slickers could come get a taste of the good life. His dreams lay dormant after Vikki passed and only this year had he shown some renewed interest in seeing this project through. He elected to stay home from Vegas this year to work on that dream.
For Jesse, Vegas was a much-needed distraction from the falling grain prices in a precarious political time, extreme weather and the growing uncertainties about his relationship with Kerry. Kerry had been at school for only a few months but already they went two, even three weeks at a time with no call and only brief text message exchanges.
Hi babe, how are you? Jesse resorted to these generic inquiries.
Great. Running off to the library (or class, or the cafeteria, or the gym). See you in December. Kerry had little to offer but always held out the promise of connecting in December.
When December came, Jesse wasn’t sure what to expect when Kerry got home. She spent the first day with her family. Jesse invited her to dinner. They had been friends for so long she was like one of the family to Jesse’s parents, so they were eager to catch up
with her. When she arrived, she gave Jesse a quick friendly hug and moved on to hug Yvette like they were long-lost best girlfriends. Kerry went to the kitchen to help Yvette with the final dinner preparations, leaving Jesse and his dad looking at one another and shrugging their shoulders as they moved to sit in recliners in the living room.
Yvette decorated the house beautifully, inside and out. Tall nutcrackers from Germany, an army of six, stood guard around the fireplace. There were three Christmas trees inside the house and one on the back deck. Each tree had its own theme. She decorated one in animals, another angels, and the third indoor tree held the family heirloom ornaments. Some were handmade by the children and they received others through the years as gifts from various relatives on vacation or while traveling.
“Son, maybe you would like to help me use up this Scotch.” His father handed him a two-finger Scotch with a splash of water. Jesse recently turned twenty-one but for a few years had occasionally joined his father for a drink, particularly when contemplating something important.
“I believe I will. Thanks.” Jesse took the glass and swallowed a big gulp of the burning amber liquid. It was enough to bring him back to reality. He was getting lost in his own unproductive, unflattering thoughts again.
Yvette and Kerry emerged from the kitchen, each carrying a large platter of food. “Dinner’s on cowboys,” Yvette blasted as she set the food on the table. Kerry locked eyes with Jesse. She noticed his sadness. She was feeling very much alive. They spent the evening catching up. Yvette and Dan shared Steve’s progress with the organic gardens and his dude ranch, Chance’s rodeo progress and Jesse’s valiant efforts to save the livestock in the autumn storm. Jesse lingered on the fringes, nodding and throwing in an observation or two but he did not start any of the conversation and reverted to his reserved, unconfident self.
It embarrassed Jesse that his only bragging rights were from business as usual on the ranch. Jesse desperately wanted the attention off himself and onto something much more worthy. “So, tell us what it’s like at the ‘U’ Kerry.”
“It’s so amazing being around such smart people.” Immediately she knew this didn’t come out right. “I mean, people who have studied different subjects for their livelihood, know things I could never dream of knowing, yet.”
Jesse disappeared momentarily in thought. Did she know that he read and re-read poets like Frost, Whitman, and Poe? Did she ever read his book of poems created just for her? Suddenly Jesse felt a big chasm between him and Kerry and it wasn’t just her being away at college. There was something bigger coming between them. He started to wonder if maybe there was someone else. He had heard rumors about some guy in Wyoming but never felt the strength to bring it up to Kerry. If it was true, then what? What did that say about him?
“I have learned more in one semester than I did in all four years under Mr. Keith,” Kerry continued. Jesse looked at her quizzically. She was a top student. Was their education lacking or was college that complex?
“What is your favorite class?” Jesse hoped to make this an easy conversation for Kerry and move the evening along.
“Oh, it’s definitely my anatomy class. In high school, we learned the basics, but this class is taking me deep into cell function, electrolytes, mitochondria, and ...” Kerry was very passionate about her experience in this class. Jesse found it somewhat overwhelming. “I’m sorry. I’m sure this is boring for you. It’s just that I’m so happy to have this opportunity to delve deeply into the world I love so much.” She paused briefly. “How was the trip to Vegas? Jesse said you had a good time.”
“It was great to be away for a few days. Jesse got to celebrate his big birthday in style and Chance came away with a buckle.” Yvette responded and for the first time realized Jesse and Kerry weren’t as close as they used to be or she would already know these details.
“Big celebration, eh?” Kerry reached over and nudged Jesse with her fist. “That’s the first I’ve heard about that.”
“Eh, it was just a bunch of cowboys sitting around drinking beer. No biggie.” Jesse didn’t want to stir an already simmering pot. The guys made sure all the gals in the bar knew it was his birthday. He got birthday kisses from several of them. It was fun but he would have rather spent the time getting the attention from Kerry. Kerry was obsessed with her schooling. He didn’t blame her for following her dream and being so very excited about it but he missed her affection. Kerry sent him a text to wish him a happy birthday.
Kerry did not invite Jesse to take her to Cathy and Jon’s wedding. She had to be there early for hair and make-up. She told him she would meet him afterwards. Jesse drove separately but walked into the church with his parents. His breath caught when the processional of attendants started. Kerry was a stunning bridesmaid.
Cathy and Jon’s wedding was beautiful, and it was great to see old friends home from college. A sense of nostalgia swept over Jesse and he had a hard time shaking it. He put on a smiling face around people, but as he wrote in his journal at night, he let it all out. He doubted the authenticity of everything in his life at that moment. Was he meant to be with Kerry? Was he a fool for not asking her to marry him; afraid he would interrupt her momentum with her dreams? Why was he so different from his siblings? They were dark, athletic, outgoing, and fun-loving. He was sandy-haired, fair-skinned, and serious in all things.
Days later the couple exchanged Christmas gifts. “Oh Jesse, it’s so beautiful.” It thrilled Kerry to see a beautiful bracelet in her Christmas gift and not a ring. She simply wasn’t ready. She loved Jesse, but she also loved school and was excited to be living her dreams.
Jesse appreciated the sweater he got from Kerry. “Kerry, this is a beautiful sweater. Thank you so much. Will you wear it so it takes on your scent? Then I can snuggle it when I’m so lonely for you.”
Kerry leaned in and whispered, “I already did.” At a very basic, instinctual level Kerry and Jesse remained connected, even if life was interfering with their time together.
Kerry returned to school and dove into her classes at full steam. She took the opportunity to work as a lab assistant over the summer and didn’t return to The Buffalo Diner. Her parents made several trips to visit her. Jesse drove down to the campus once. It didn’t go well.
Chapter 5
Jesse’s phone buzzed as he pulled into the hotel parking lot. Hey. Stuck in lab. B there in 30.
Jesse stared at the text message. With lips tightened and shoulders slumped, he looked around. He drove across the state and Kerry couldn’t make time for him. A sigh escaped as he slowly shook his head. He didn’t know what he expected for the weekend but this was not a good start. They had barely spoken this semester, and he wondered if Kerry was avoiding him. And why?
K. Checking in hotel. Let me no when ur ready. He wasn’t just going to sit around in the parking lot or on the steps of her dorm waiting for her. He could just as well be working cattle or fields. Rubbing his brow, he tried to rid himself of the building tension.
Abutting the stiffness of the asphalt parking lot was a beautiful green park with a walking path. He bypassed the hotel entrance and took the path. Walking through the beauty of a park near the hotel brought some temporary calm. He found a stone bench overlooking a flower and bush garden. Squirrels chased each other. Birds sang overhead, volleying shrill notes back and forth.
This lushness did not exist at his home on the plains, in the Badlands where the soil is dense clay and every year the winds carry off another layer and deposit it elsewhere. What else was he not seeing by staying on the ranch? More and more he had been wondering about this lately. He filled his writings with longings to be elsewhere, to explore questions and maybe find some answers.
About an hour later Kerry finally called. “Hey babe, sorry. I’m heading back to my room now. We had a mishap with an experiment and I had to clean it up. Meet you there in ten?”
Jesse was slow to respond. “Why don’t you come over to the hotel?”
He threw his h
and up in a silent rebellion to his unfolding feelings of defeat. “You know, there’s a sweet park here and I can see a little bistro across the way.”
He hesitated, unsure that he wanted to hang around. “We can get something to eat and you can get away from the campus for a while.” Jesse needed to change things up. He didn’t want to be in her territory to have the next conversation.
By the time Kerry arrived at the park Jesse was pretty worked up. He found it hard to make eye contact initially. His greeting hug was stiff and brief. They strolled to the sidewalk cafe and studied the menu in silence. After they ordered and got their drinks, Jesse suggested they take a break in their relationship.
“What does that mean Jesse? What kind of break are you talking about?” Kerry had changed into a cute sundress and put her hair in a messy topknot. She had matured over the first year of college. She was self-assured and excited about her studies. She was all consumed with her work-study job now and was taking classes throughout the summer. Jesse was not her priority now. Not even in the top ten priorities by his estimation.
“A clean break. Listen, Kerry, you’re doing great here and following your dreams. I need to find mine. I am jealous of your singular focus on the goal. I don’t have that and for me to be a good partner for anyone, including you, I need to go out and get that for myself.” Jesse had not planned on this change. He thought he would spend some time hanging with his love but this felt right. He needed a break.
“Jesse. I’m sorry. I haven’t been a very good girlfriend to you.” Her eyes welled up as she reached out to him. Kerry never had confessed the kiss from Brandon to him. She loved school and not just the academics. She had made some good friends, and Kerry enjoyed spending time with them. It was new and fresh. He was familiar, comfortable, easy.