by Kim Smart
“Oh, but you have. You have been a model to me of setting your dreams and chasing them. I have taken too much for granted and have not pushed myself to create a life I want. I love you for that.” Jesse was sincere and sad. Sad that it took parting for him to recognize and confess this to her.
Kerry went back to her dorm room, alone. Jesse drove back to the ranch instead of spending the night alone in a strange hotel bed without the promise of seeing Kerry the next day. The road trip did his head a lot of good. He made a plan that became more and more clear with each passing mile and he started to get excited. Stopping at a truck stop along the interstate, Jesse captured on paper the thoughts that were swimming through his mind before they disappeared. He ordered a chocolate shake and fries to ease his guilt for taking up space in the restaurant. He spent over an hour drawing up his initial plan.
Now, he would have to share it with his parents. He thought through the places he needed to go and the experiences he needed to have. His sister had been asking him for years to visit her in Arizona. If Steve agreed to help their dad with the ranch work over the winter, that would be a good time to escape the frigid winds and wet snow for the warmer high desert.
Hey butthead. Winter in AZ sounds good. Got room for me? Stella would get the text in the morning, he thought. He needed to test the waters to see how serious she was.
Within five minutes he had his answer. Yahooooo! C U when snow flies!
Stella outgrew Buffalo Ridge. She rarely came home. Like Kerry, she needed to prove herself. Jesse had the feeling that she was afraid if she returned home, the small town culture would trap her like a fly in a spider’s web. Buffalo Ridge boys that she once dated, now men, longed for her to come home. They thought she would be the perfect cowboy’s wife. Those men didn’t know his sister. She was a cowboy. She was running cattle just like the men. No, better than. She was more intuitive than most men. She and her horse, Hedrick, were an incredible duo. They were poetry in motion when they were working cattle. Yes! This was his best next move.
Jesse returned to the ranch just as the sun was rising. His adrenaline was rushing as plans were rolling in his head, which he then translated to the page. He was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee when his mom came in.
“Jess, I thought you were visiting Kerry this weekend. What’s up?” Yvette was curious, but not entirely surprised. Her son was restless and preoccupied, even before he left for Brookstone. She would find him in the evening, after a full day of work, just staring off at the horizon, looking as if he had transported into another universe. He rarely went to town or hung with his old friends and often, when she got up in the night, she would see his bedroom light on.
“Well. I did. Then I left. Mom, Kerry has set awesome goals for herself and here I am like a fish flopping on the banks under the hot sun. Any original idea I had has dried up and I need an infusion of life. I’m trying to think through how I can get out and explore some. I have some ideas but need to draw a roadmap and talk to more people before I break it to dad.”
“You know we love you, Jess. Your dad will support you.” Sylvia moved her hand from the warm coffee cup and placed it on his shoulder, a showing of solidarity. Though a grown man, this son was her most fragile.
“Yes, I know mom. I just don’t want to dump and run, leaving him without help. I’m going to see if I can go find Steve and chat with him.” Jesse knew his parents were supportive. They would be excited for him to explore the world some. They would love for him to remain in the area long term.
“You know you’ll find him over in the greenhouse, keeping Vikki’s dream alive. That man is the most faithful husband.” Yvette admired Steve for his resolve but also realized his commitment to Vikki’s ghost paralyzed him.
“Of course. I’ll be back in time to help Dad with the spraying.” Jess took the last swig from his coffee and put the empty cup in the dishwasher, gave his mother a quick squeeze and launched out the door.
Steve was right where his mother said he would be. He was tending to the young plants growing in the raised beds in the greenhouse. He loved these plants as much as Vikki did and she had taught him well. He consulted the three-ring binder that contained her multiple instructive checklists. Vikki’s organizational skills were unmatched, and she was a visionary in business. She attached sticky notes to binders with her ideas: ‘recyclable boxes’, ‘discount for box reuse’, ‘distribution points - hardware store, farmer’s market, rodeo grounds’.
“Hey man, good to see you!” Steve looked up from his work when Jesse walked in. “Thought you were off to see the girlfriend.”
“Yeah, about that. It’s not working.” Jesse hung his head. He was in the company of a great romantic who had manifested the perfect wife, something Jesse wasn’t sure would ever happen for him.
“Didn’t see that coming. You okay?” Steve had gone to college. That’s where he met Vikki. She was the only woman he had fallen in love with. He had girlfriends before, but Vikki sparked something that even he didn’t know was lying dormant within him. He wanted that for his baby brother, whether he found it with Kerry, or elsewhere.
“Yeah, man, I’m good. I was feeling like we weren’t on the same page. You know she’s got big dreams and so far, I’ve just kept my lazy ass here at the ranch. I haven’t developed any bigger picture for myself. I didn’t realize until recently just how much of a rut I was stuck in.” Jesse was trying to convince himself, as much as Steve, that he believed there was something bigger out there for him.
“So, that’s why I’m here. I need you to help me out.” That caught Steve’s attention. Jesse explained to Steve how he would go to Arizona over the winter and spend some time with Stella but he didn’t want to leave his dad high and dry without enough help.
“Sure, I’m around anyway. The greenhouses are closed up, except for the poinsettias around Christmas. By spring though, I’m planning to be pretty busy with the dude ranch. I’m meeting with a website designer next week to get the site up and do some advertising.” Steve was following his dreams, and it felt great.
“Wow! I’m so happy to hear you are getting closer to getting that thing off the ground. You and Vikki shelled in those bunkhouses and mess hall. When are you going to finish those out?” Jesse worried that he was taking his brother off course.
Steve consulted his checklist again and measured out organic fertilizer according to Vikki’s instructions. “This really cool thing happened. Everything is just coming together. So, I was talking to Mr. Roberts, you remember, the vo-tech teacher? He said this would be an awesome opportunity for his students to get some real-life experience in plumbing and wiring. I just have to provide the materials and those guys and gals will come out here. Commercial level inspections will be done so the insurance company doesn’t throw a fit.” Things always worked out for Steve. Except for Vikki. That was one part of the dream that was now forever shadowed, or so it seemed.
“You got a name for this place yet?” Jesse would like to spread the word when the time came and hoped that Steve had a catchy name.
“Well, that’s where it gets a little tricky because part of the attraction will be for organic gardening. I haven’t come up with a name that marries dude and garden but I’m working on it.” Steve had long lists of rejected names on his legal pad. Nothing seemed to flow.
“How about a contest? That would be a great way to get more ideas. If there is one you choose, the winner could get a free vacation at the garden and dude ranch.” Jesse had been exploring writing contests for himself and thought the idea might just work here.
“Dude, I’m gonna miss you! That’s why you’re the geek in the family. You have all these brainy ideas.” Steve admired his brother’s brilliance, even if he could out muscle Jesse without even trying.
“I’ll only be a text away. You do know how to use text, right?” Jesse was kidding his brother who had sent some hilarious text messages, the byproduct of fat fingers and autocorrect. “Anyway, I’m not going f
or a few months. I will catch Dad and break it to him.”
“He’ll cry like a baby. You’re his gopher, you know. Go-for this and go-for that.” Steve measured Jesse’s response. Sometimes, he thought, I may not give this kid enough credit. “Naw, he’s gonna take it okay but he’ll take a bet on you returning after your walk-about and the odds will be in his favor.”
“Could be. Catch ya later.” Jesse slid into his truck and headed down the gravel road to home. Home, for now. The two ranches were only five miles apart. Jesse felt his world closing in on him and it didn’t feel good.
Chapter 6
By the end of the second year of living in Brookstone University’s dorms, Kerry was ready to move off campus. She continued to work in the biology department lab and had volunteered at a local vet clinic to get some practical experience. Academically, she was soaring. Her professors took a shine to her and saw to it she had insider opportunities to meet guest lecturers, travel to conferences and take part in relevant research projects. Kerry was all business at school, with the professors. She had little time for a social life but did go out occasionally.
“Hey Ker, do you ever talk to that old boyfriend of yours? Jesse?” Gracie was getting ready to move off campus too. The two of them had become close friends, and they supported each other in their endeavors. Gracie was a gymnastic superstar in the collegiate circuit. She barely had time for schoolwork. Kerry helped her, when she could, to bone up for exams and get through projects but Gracie was bright, too, and did well. She and Gabe both did well, and both made the Dean’s list every semester, as did Kerry.
“You know, it’s funny you should bring him up. When I went home for Christmas I had hoped to see him but it seems he has moved to Arizona with his sister.” Kerry didn’t know Stella well. She was older and had left Buffalo Ridge before Kerry started dating Jesse. “But, I came across his book when I was packing up.”
“What book is that?” Kerry had not shared Jesse’s writing with Gracie.
“Well, when I first came to school, in fact, the day you moved in, I found a present from him. Looking back now it’s kind of funny. Before I left for school, we went out and he told me he had a present for me. I tried to keep him distracted all night because I was afraid that present would be a promise ring or something.”
“Oh my God! That’s how it is in small towns, isn’t it? Catch that girl before she flies the coop.” Gracie often teased Kerry about her less-than-worldly life experience. Such a goody-two-shoes.
“Ha! Yeah, it is for some. But anyway, I found this present when I unpacked my car. When I opened it I found this book. It’s all hand-written stories and poems by Jesse.” Kerry caressed the blue leather cover of the book with her open hand.
“Really? Did you know he was a writer?”
“No, that’s the thing. We never talked about it. I only read a few pieces and it kind of freaked me out. He filled the pages with feelings and emotions and really beautiful stuff. I thought he was maybe trying to tell me something in those words. I was afraid of what it was so I just put it away.” Kerry only now realized how unkind it was not to read Jesse’s work and even more so, not to talk to him about it.
“What did you say to him? Hey, your stuff is good but I ain’t like that?” Gracie giggled.
“I didn’t say anything. What could I say? I barely looked under the cover and now, I feel so bad. I’m going to read these stories. Then I’ll see how I feel about telling Jesse. Now, I feel so mean but nobody has ever poured their heart out to me like that before. I just didn’t know what to do.”
“Girl, you need therapy. That boy liked you! Anyway, now you need a little different therapy. We are out of school for the summer and it’s time for us to play a little.” Gracie’s idea of play was to go rollerblading or hiking. Kerry would rather volunteer at the animal shelter.
“Okay but we can’t be out too late, we both work tomorrow.” They both had two jobs for the summer and Gracie still had training during the week. Kerry set the book atop the bedding in her laundry basket and picked it up. She looked around at the lifeless walls that once boasted their favorite memes and selfies. The bookshelves were erased of their knowledge and the beds were bare and cold.
“Always the one to rain on my parade, aren’t you? Let’s take the last of these things to the car, say goodbye to this dump and head to OUR place. Tell me you’re excited.” Gracie hooked a half-dozen hangers to dangle from her wrist and grabbed the last box off her desk. The two headed to Kerry’s car leaving behind their youth. They had their own place now. Life was starting anew for the girls, both now out of their teens and ready to adult.
Kerry lay in her new-to-her bed that night and re-read the first pages of Jesse’s book. As she read, her inner voice narrated her thoughts. “He was trying to tell me something. He was trying to tell me about the intricate interconnectedness of nature, the brutality and harshness of the weather, and the sweetness of a gentle kiss under the stars. Boy, did I miss it. I was so excited to be away from that place and spread my wings, I just didn’t see it.” A tear slid down her cheek as she remembered the closeness they once shared. A kinship built from sharing the same stomping grounds, the same community and once, the same dream. Did she still want to return to Buffalo Ridge and start a veterinary practice? She wasn’t sure anymore and, who would be there to help her now that Jesse had moved on?
The summer flew by with her jobs and school. Dreaming about her future practice motivated Kerry to put in the long study hours. Every vision was grounded in Buffalo Ridge. She made it a point to look at a half-dozen area vet clinics, to get a feel for different practices. She met with clinic owners or managers, toured the facilities, found examples of business models and allowed herself to contemplate the options. Nothing moved her vision beyond Buffalo Ridge where she saw herself being a generalist available for livestock and household mammals. She didn’t favor reptiles and would refer them to the specialists outside her clinic.
Her mom drove down and took her shopping, cleaned up the apartment and treated the girls out to dinner over the July fourth holiday. It was a welcome interruption to their usual routine, and it was always great to spend time with Mom. She shared her exploration of options with her mom, who seemed surprisingly relieved that Kerry could make a home in Buffalo Ridge. This seemed a change of heart from her mom but she didn’t want to pry. In time, everything would work out, as it needed to.
Because she attended school year-round and took heavy loads, Kerry was an advanced student and would graduate ahead of the class she began with. She had to take her graduate school entry exam and start preparing applications for veterinary school. She would then be faced with another big decision. Where would she go for graduate school?
Gracie already had plans to go to Nebraska for her graduate program. They had grown so close that Kerry considered following her but the school did not have the exact program that Kerry wanted.
Chapter 7
“Come on cowboy, grab your bedroll.” Stella kicked her boot against Jesse’s bare foot hanging off the couch. “Dang boy, when did your feet get so big?”
The October chill was in the early morning air.
“Brr. I thought Arizona would be hot. You need to turn the heat up.” Jesse drove in late the evening before. He turned his trip out from Buffalo Ridge into a mini-vacation. He explored Estes Park, Colorado in the Rocky Mountains. The natural beauty of the area with fall foliage and wild animals, including moose and elk, moved him. He enjoyed the serenade of the elk bugle during mating season. The vast wildness and sheer beauty of the rugged mountains blanketed in white resided in his memory.
Jesse didn’t realize how much he would appreciate those few days off to transition between working for his father and working with his sister, which he also thought would be like a vacation. Boy, was he wrong.
“Come on, sissy boy. These cattle aren’t going to wait all day. I’ve got a horse for you. Bring your dry socks and clean underwear.” They hadn’t talked ab
out what Jesse would do while working for his sister. He just knew he needed a change of scenery and she was eager to have him.
“You see that orange sky over there? That’s the national forest land where our cows are pastured. That blazing hot orange is a raging wildfire heading right for them. We need to push these cattle back and across the river. It’s about a thirty-mile drive then we’ll be on horseback. You do still ride a horse, right?”
“Girl, you know I can and I can throw a rope too. Who else you got coming?” The countryside, which was far different from what Jesse had imagined, intrigued him. He never thought to research it and prepare himself. He imagined an environment more like the Vegas area, not high country desert with canyons, craggy walls and a mix of trees and cacti. The fabric of this landscape was heavily textured and uninviting. Many parts appeared uninhabitable for man and beast. It made for great writing material though.
“Gus will be coming along. You’ve got nothing on him. He’ll have those cattle marching a straight line right down those hills in no time.”
Jesse guessed that Stella got up with the moon still high in the night sky to get everything ready. She loaded the horses in the trailer with all their tack and some feed and the dog was sitting in the cargo bed when Jesse climbed into the old truck. Stella had no need for a shiny new truck when the old one worked just fine. She would much rather be riding atop a horse, anyway. She felt no need to apologize for the layers of dried mud and dust smeared across the floor and dirty paw prints embellishing the seat. Stella slammed her door closed and started the truck up. She put the shifter in drive and started to take off.
“Wait, isn’t Gus coming with us?” Jesse didn’t see any other buildings around where they would stop to pick someone up and he wasn’t in the bunkroom of the little shelter they stopped in.