by Amy Ruttan
“Why?”
“Wasn’t for me,” he said quickly, but she could tell by the way his jaw was clenched and how he was still white-knuckling the steering wheel that there was more to it than he was letting it on.
Just let it go. Remember, you wanted to keep things just professional.
And she had to keep reminding herself of that.
Prying into his personal life was not how to keep her distance from him and it was apparent to her that he had no plans of sticking around to see the birth of her child. So not only did she have to protect her heart, she had to protect her unborn baby’s heart too.
* * *
The three-hour drive to Mount Rainier was mostly uneventful and Emily dozed off when they were on the interstate. Only when they pulled off the interstate and started winding their way on highway seven did the ride become slightly more scenic and interesting.
“Ohop Bob?” Ryan asked as they drove through a town. “What a strange name.”
“They have a pioneer museum!”
“You seem really excited about that. Do you want to stop?”
She shook her head. “No, we should get to the park and then make our way back.”
“You really can’t stand being away from work, can you?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” she asked.
“It means exactly what I said it means. You just want to turn around the moment we get to Mount Rainier and head back to Seattle. You have two days off, what’s the rush? Your patients are all stable.”
“For now,” Emily mumbled.
“They’re in good hands. You lectured me earlier on about professional relationships. Don’t you trust your colleagues to take care of your post-ops?”
“Yes,” she said through gritted teeth. She liked control and order. Control and order calmed her and the world made sense then.
“That doesn’t sound very convincing.”
“I have a particular way of doing things,” she said in exasperation.
“You don’t take time off, do you?”
Emily rolled her eyes. “Fine. I don’t. Work is my life.”
“It shouldn’t be.”
“And you’re telling me that work isn’t your life? You, who won’t settle down anywhere?”
“Hey, I do take my days off and I enjoy my time. When I’m in a new place I go and see the sights. Just like I’m doing now.”
Emily couldn’t help but wonder if he had a different woman in each city. One he took out on dates and wined and dined. That little green-eyed monster who shouldn’t care about these things reared its ugly head.
“Okay,” she finally said. “Let’s stop and look at the pioneer museum. I loved Little House on the Prairie when I was a kid, so I think that it would be interesting to see what Ohop Bob’s Pioneer Museum is like.”
“You’re serious?” he asked, and he looked slightly horrified at the prospect.
“You offered,” she teased.
“I seriously didn’t think you would take me up on it.”
She laughed. “Well, I am. Let’s go.”
“Maybe it’ll be closed,” he muttered.
She couldn’t help but chuckle. “It’ll be fun!”
He shot her a look of disbelief and followed the signs off the highway to the museum. There was no one else there and it looked like the museum had just opened.
“Well, this is the town of Eatonville,” Emily remarked as they got out of the SUV. “Perhaps Ohop Bob was an old name?”
“Let’s hope so,” Ryan said under his breath. “Because that’s a very interesting name.”
“Every state has a weird name.”
“What’s Utah’s?”
“There are a few. Mostly people think they’re odd because they’re Biblical names or names of Mormon prophets. I always thought La Verkin was odd, but that might’ve been a misunderstanding between the locals of the area and the trappers mapping the territory. What’s Wyoming’s?”
“Probably Jay Em. It was named after a rancher.”
“And you’re making fun of Ohop Bob?” she teased.
“True.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I should probably shut up now.”
“Good idea.”
They walked into the museum together and Emily offered to pay the admission since Ryan was doing the driving and had packed the picnic lunch. They wandered around the museum and looked at the exhibits of frontier life in Washington State.
“Oh, look at this old furniture!” She gasped excitedly.
“You really like this, huh?” he asked, not so excited about it.
“I do.”
She loved everything to do with early settlers. She loved the Little House books. For about five years of her life she had been obsessed with everything to do with pioneer life and the Little House books.
Her dream had always been to go on a road trip to see the sites where the Ingalls had traveled. She’d loved the books so much she’d wanted to wear a bonnet and pinafore every day.
Until the other kids had made fun of her for liking something so wholesome, so childish.
“No...uh. It’s okay.” She walked away, embarrassed.
“Hey, you okay?” Ryan asked, catching up.
“I don’t mean to bore you.”
“You like this stuff.”
“And you clearly don’t.”
“So?” he asked.
“Ryan, I loved this so much as a kid. I was made fun of. I didn’t have many friends...the books were my friends.”
His expression softened. “Don’t be ashamed. I didn’t have many friends growing up either.”
She found that hard to believe. “Seriously?”
“I grew up on a ranch that wasn’t very successful. My clothes were from the thrift store. I was the poor kid in town.”
“I was the kid with autism.” And her voice shook when she admitted that.
His eyes widened. “What?”
“I have a very mild and high-functioning form of Asperger’s. I’m borderline on the spectrum. As a kid...” She struggled to say the right words. “Even as an adult...it’s hard.”
She couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t take his rejection.
He placed his hand under chin and tilted her head up so she was looking at him. Tears stung her eyes. She hated feeling vulnerable to him, to anyone. But instead of rejection and pity, there was something close to admiration in his eyes. It surprised her.
“Don’t be ashamed,” he said gently. “Never be ashamed about how hard you’ve worked, about how you view the world. You’re amazing!”
She smiled. “Thank you.”
He nodded. “Now, how about you tell me about this old whatchamacallit here?”
She chuckled as he pointed at an old payphone that the museum hadn’t bothered to remove.
“You mean the payphone?”
He did a double take and laughed. “It’s dusty in here. I’m going to blame the dust for my mistake.”
“Sure. It’s the dust’s fault,” she teased.
Ohop Bob dealt with lumber, so a lot of the old way of life focused on that. Emily could tell that Ryan was completely bored out of his mind, but she appreciated his effort. Especially after he’d said those things to her about her admission to him. Not many had been that supportive.
Usually she got “Well you don’t look like you have autism”. That was one she never knew how to take. Was there a look she was unaware of? So it was nice he’d told her not to be ashamed and to hold her head up high.
After they wandered around for about forty minutes, she put him out of his misery and suggested they continue on their way.
She could tell he was relieved.
They weren’t far from the national park’s Longmire Gate and even though she’d really wanted to stay in Sea
ttle and do research, she was actually starting to relax and enjoy the drive.
Maybe this won’t be so bad?
And the thought of relaxing around him was scaring her. Even though he said the right things, she was afraid of letting her guard down too much.
This was not what she had planned at all when she’d learned he was coming to Seattle but, then again, since when did plans for her personal life ever go smoothly?
* * *
Ryan wished the conversation about his father had never come up, but he had been the one to start it and that had been by accident. Being around Emily stirred up a lot of emotions he wasn’t sure that he was completely ready to deal with.
Emotions about his parents and his childhood. The loss of his child. The reason he never stayed settled, though he secretly wanted to settle down and just stay put for a while. He was getting tired.
If you settle somewhere, what happened with Morgan will happen again, and you know it. You can’t stay put. Just like your father.
He wasn’t worthy enough to be a father.
Who says?
He shook that thought away and stopped in front of the Valor Monument, which was dedicated to those who’d died while serving the park. Rangers who had died in the line of duty, trying to save people who were injured and hurt.
It was an impressive sculpture.
Emily was wandering a few feet away, her hands in the pockets of her hoodie, and when she turned to the side he couldn’t help but stare at the round swell where his baby was.
His baby.
He wanted a family. He wanted his child and to settle down, but he was too afraid that his presence in their lives would do more harm than good. Morgan had certainly thought so.
Of course, she hadn’t wanted the baby.
Emily seemed to want the baby. Or at least she said she did. Morgan had never given him the choice. He’d found out after she’d got rid of the baby.
Emily wanted the baby.
When she wasn’t watching he could see her touch her belly often and there was always this gentle, secret smile on her face. It made his pulse quicken and he longed to take her in his arms and hold them both close.
As if she knew he was watching her, she turned back and looked at him. She smiled at him, so sweetly.
God, she was beautiful.
Emily took his breath away.
She deserved so much better than him. She was intelligent, feisty and brilliant. She didn’t back down and he totally respected her for that. And to learn she’d overcome so much to get where she was endeared her to him even more. He admired her for that.
It’s what made her a good surgeon.
And she deserved so much better than him. It was just that when he was around her, he didn’t feel as lonely. She made him laugh. He looked forward to seeing her and he enjoyed spending time with her, and he was selfish and wanted to continue this. He wanted to be selfish and keep her all to himself, even if he didn’t deserve to have her.
He just wanted to enjoy every moment with her until he left.
“What’re you looking at?” she asked as she came over to where he was standing.
“The Monument of Valor. Rangers who died in the line of duty, trying to save people.”
“Wow, that’s wonderful.”
“It is,” Ryan said. “We don’t give police officers, soldiers...those on the front lines, the first responders enough credit. We as surgeons get all the glory, but these people put their lives on the line every day and are never recognized.”
She nodded. “My dad was a police officer in Salt Lake City.”
“Was he?”
“He’s retired now. I remember every night he came home late, Mom would send us all to bed and pace. She wouldn’t go to bed until he came home safe. I didn’t get it until I was an adult and in relationships, but even then I don’t know... I don’t know if I’ve ever loved someone that much.”
“No?”
“Have you?”
Yes.
“No.”
He’d cared about Morgan, but had she cared about him? He didn’t think so, because if she’d loved him she wouldn’t have done what she had. He did respect her choice, but it had still crushed him.
It’d broken his heart.
And Morgan hadn’t seemed to care.
“The trail is this way,” Ryan said, clearing his voice and pointing in the direction they were supposed to go. “Want to have a quick—?”
His words were cut off by the loud blare of a siren and the ground began to quake.
“Oh, my God!” Emily cried out, and she reached out to him, wrapping her arms around him. He held her close as what sounded like a freight train echoed through the valley, while the siren continued to blare.
They were far enough above the river bed. They were safe, but still his heart was racing as he held Emily close, her body trembling against him.
It felt like an eternity before the shaking subsided and the sirens finally stopped blaring. There was a lahar somewhere. In the late spring, with melt water running and seismic activity, he wasn’t surprised that it had happened.
Even though he’d sworn to Emily he didn’t think it could happen.
If they hadn’t stopped at that pioneer museum, they might’ve been on a trail, caught up in it, which was a scary thought indeed.
There was a flurry of activity and several rangers came rushing by. One stopped in front of them.
“You okay?” the ranger asked.
“We’re fine,” Ryan said.
Emily was still clinging to him, but not as tightly as she had before.
“I’m good,” Emily said. “What happened?”
“A lahar. We’re headed down the trail to check for injuries. There was a school group down there.”
“I’m a pediatric surgeon,” Emily said. “I can help.” And suddenly what overwhelmed her had dissipated and she was putting the care of injured people first. It was admirable.
“Me too. I’m a surgeon.” Although Ryan didn’t really want Emily to go down the trail where the lahar had just happened. Not in her condition. But if there were kids down there, they had to help.
“Great,” the ranger said. “We can use all the help we can get. Follow me and I’ll take you in my truck.”
Ryan and Emily followed the ranger to his truck. Ryan helped Emily up and climbed in beside her. It was a bit squished, but it was fine. He just hoped that no kids were injured.
The ride down the trail was bumpy and rough. It took over half an hour to get down to where the trapped school class was gathered. It looked like the teachers had managed to get the kids above the river bed to a safe area, the problem was that the washout had surrounded them on all sides.
They were stuck.
Rangers were slowly getting a kid across to safety. At least they weren’t young children. They looked to be preteens. Just from this side he could tell there were some scrapes and what looked to be minor injuries.
The ranger they were riding with parked the truck.
“You folks stay here and we’ll bring the kids up to you.” The ranger headed down toward where the lahar had washed out the trail.
The place was littered with mud and fallen trees and though it looked stable to cross, Ryan knew it wasn’t.
They were safe where the ranger had told them to stay, but he still didn’t like Emily this close to the action.
“Maybe you should wait in the truck,” Ryan suggested.
“I’m good. We’re safe here.” She crossed her arms and watched the progress of the rescue.
Ryan stood next to her and put his arm around her. She didn’t shy away; her body still trembling from the adrenaline.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Not completely, but if I focus on the kids and the rescue I will be.” She
smiled up at him. “Saving lives is more important than the anxiety and sensory overload I’m experiencing right now. It’s how I deal with it.”
He nodded. “Good plan.”
He’d never been so terrified in his life.
And it wasn’t because he was fearing for his own life. He was terrified about losing her and that was something unexpected and unwelcome.
He wasn’t sure he had enough of his heart left to deal with the idea that he could lose Emily or the baby.
Or both of them.
* * *
Emily finished bandaging up the last of the kids who had been rescued off the trail after the lahar had come sweeping down the river bed.
Thankfully no one was seriously hurt.
The kids were being taken to the hospital, but at least everyone was stable.
“It was so scary,” Jessica said as Emily cleaned out her wound and wrapped it.
“I bet. I was scared when those sirens went off.” She finished wrapping the wound. “I forgot Rainier was a volcano. And this is my first time experiencing a lahar.”
Jessica giggled. “You’re not from Washington State?”
“No. Utah. We have mountains but not volcanoes.” Emily stood up. “You’re ready to go in the ambulance and I heard from one of the rangers that your parents are waiting for you at the hospital.”
“Good,” Jessica said, relieved.
Emily left so that the paramedics could help the girl into one of the ambulances. Ryan was finishing up and helping with one of the rangers who had slipped and fallen while doing the rescue. They had to make sure that the ranger’s spine was stable for the transfer.
Emily appreciated that he was there and that he’d held her when she’d been terrified and overwhelmed. She’d never experienced a lahar before. It had been terrifying and she had never before felt as helpless and vulnerable as at that moment, clinging to Ryan.
She hated that Ryan had seen her like that.
She never let anyone see her like that and she was glad she’d told Ryan. She was glad that he was there. Of course, she would never been here if it hadn’t been for his bright idea to come to the park.
Ryan finished with his patient as another ambulance came and loaded the injured ranger. Ryan walked over to her.