by Amy Ruttan
“You okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine. Tired, but fine.”
He nodded. “Perhaps it was a bad idea to come today.”
She laughed. “You think? How is the ranger?”
“He’s fine. Nothing broken, but there could be some bruising or a hematoma. They won’t know until they get an MRI of his spine. He’s wiggling his toes well and he has a slight concussion. They’ll take good care of him in the hospital.”
“Are you ready to go?”
Ryan nodded. “We just have to find a ranger to drive us back up to the main lodge at Longmire.”
“I can take you,” a paramedic said. “I don’t have anyone in my rig.”
“That would be great,” Emily said.
They followed the paramedic to his rig and Ryan helped her up in the back. The paramedic closed the doors and then climbed in next to his partner. Riding in the back of the ambulance was a little bit bumpier than the ranger’s pickup truck had been.
Ryan placed his arm around her to help steady her, but she shimmied away, not saying anything, and he didn’t ask her why.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t seem to keep her distance from him. This was not like her at all and she was annoyed with herself. She’d worked hard her whole life not to depend on anyone so she could make a life for herself. Yet she was glad Ryan was here. He calmed her.
The ambulance stopped and the paramedic opened the doors.
“Thank you for your help again, doctors. We appreciated it.”
“You’re welcome,” Emily said.
The paramedic closed up the doors to the rig and within a few moments the ambulance drove away toward the main gates of the park. It was quiet at the main Longmire lodge. It was almost three in the afternoon and the only sound were those of birds, the whispering of the pine trees and the silent tension that seemed to have formed between the two of them in that short ambulance ride.
“Are you hungry?” Ryan asked.
“Starving,” Emily admitted.
“We’re really overdue for lunch. I was planning on taking the hike down the trail to have lunch by the river, but I think we’ll just stick around here.”
“That’s a good plan.” She followed him to his SUV and he pulled out a cooler from the back hatch, as well as a blanket.
They didn’t walk far and found a sunny spot not far from the parking lot, but where they could still see Mount Rainier and the valley well enough. The park was quiet, because not all the trails were completely open yet and the rangers had closed off the trail they had just been down until the aftermath of the lahar could be dealt with.
Ryan laid out the blanket and Emily sat down and began to pull things out of the cooler. He sat down next to her.
“I’m sorry that I grabbed you when the ground started shaking,” she said. “I think that made it sort of awkward between us.”
“I didn’t mind that you grabbed me, Emily.”
Warmth flooded her cheeks and she looked up at him. He was serious, he hadn’t minded, but something had changed and she didn’t know what.
“Are you mad that I moved away from you in the back of the rig?” she asked.
He shook his head. “No. I’m not mad. I don’t want to overwhelm you. I want to help you while I’m here, as much as I can.”
“Is that what you want or what you feel obligated to do?”
He sighed and looked straight ahead. “I want a family, but I also don’t know if I can stay settled. My career is important.”
“You’re not used to that, staying in one place.”
“Right. I do like traveling... My dad could never stay in one place either. Maybe I’m just like him. Maybe...” He trailed off and she sensed that there was something more, only he didn’t say. “I don’t want to hurt you, Emily. I never wanted that and if I had known you were pregnant...”
“You wouldn’t have stayed. You had important work.”
“I want to be there for you and the baby,” he said seriously. “That’s my baby too and I’m here right now and I want to help.”
Emily really wanted to believe him. He was so earnest, but she knew he couldn’t stay. Still, he had a right to his child.
“You can be as involved as you like.”
He nodded. “Thank you.”
She reached out and took his hand. “My appointment with Dr. Samuel is in a couple of days. Come to it.”
“I will.”
“You promise?” she asked.
“I promise.” He handed her a bottle of water. “You don’t trust me, though, and that’s okay. We barely know each other.”
“I don’t trust many people,” she said. “I used to, but then they took advantage because I didn’t understand things like lying and sarcasm.”
“What happened?” he asked.
Emily sighed. She hated talking about Robert. It was embarrassing to her that she had fallen in love with a man who couldn’t handle her success, a man who’d cheated on her, belittled her. She just couldn’t see it, and he’d lied to her. She mentally kicked herself over and over again for allowing a man like that into her life for so long.
She’d been a fool.
And when her parents found out she was pregnant after a one-night stand, they were thrilled that she was keeping the baby and were happy to have a grandchild, but they weren’t exactly thrilled that she seemed to have fallen into the same trap as she had with Robert. They worried she wasn’t able to take care of herself. They worried about her being independent and out of state. They worried she was being manipulated and taken advantage of.
That she’d fallen for a smooth operator. Although the more she got to know Ryan she was realizing that wasn’t the case.
Ryan just couldn’t settle down.
Still, all her mistakes weighed heavily on her. And her mom worried she couldn’t handle a child who might have autism. That it would be too much for her, too overwhelming for her. Emily worried about that too, but she wasn’t going to go running back home. She was capable of living on her own. She could do this.
“I was in a relationship with a man who lied to me, who cheated on me. I was in love with someone who didn’t deserve my love and I swore I would never fall for another surgeon again. I had been doing fine for five years.”
Ryan smiled, his eyes twinkling. “Until you met me.”
“Yes, until I met you and we had that ill-fated night in Las Vegas.” She sighed. “I don’t regret that night. I just never wanted to get involved with another surgeon ever again, but I don’t regret that night.”
“So that’s why you don’t trust me.”
“I’m sorry. It’s hard for me to trust.”
“No, don’t be sorry. I get it, but I will say this—you can trust me. I may not be settled, but when it comes to our baby, I won’t let you down.”
It was sweet that he’d said that and she wanted to believe him. She just wasn’t sure that she could. Emily leaned over and touched his face.
Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt?
He touched her cheek, his fingers brushing against her skin. She closed her eyes and reveled in the feeling of his touch. She couldn’t help but think of the last time he’d touched her like this and how fast she’d fallen into his arms.
She’d missed this. Even though she hadn’t wanted to miss this, she did. She’d missed this moment of intimacy and connection, but it scared her too.
“I would never do anything to hurt you or the baby,” he whispered.
“I know.”
And then before she knew what was happening she was leaning closer to him and getting lost in the feelings he was stirring in her. Feelings that she tried so hard to control, to keep locked away, but when she was with him he brought down all her barriers.
She was exposed and vulnerable to him.
>
She closed her eyes as he kissed her, gently, but full of a controlled longing that she understood all too well. It made her pulse quicken, her blood heat as she melted into a kiss that burned through her body like an untamed wildfire.
And that’s what Ryan had always brought out in her.
Uncontrolled need.
Emily pushed him away and it took her a moment to catch her breath.
“It’s a long drive and I think we should head back to Seattle,” she said finally.
Ryan nodded. “You’re right. Finish your lunch and I’ll clean up.”
He got up and picked up some garbage to throw out.
Emily took a deep breath and tried to calm the erratic beat of her heart. She was playing a dangerous game with her heart and she wasn’t sure she would survive it.
And she wasn’t sure she wanted to.
CHAPTER NINE
IT HAD BEEN a couple days since Emily had seen Ryan. Since they’d kissed at Mount Rainier National Park. It had been a quiet ride home and she’d fallen asleep before they’d reached the interstate.
She just remembered waking up when Ryan had pulled up in front of her apartment. He’d helped her out of his SUV and escorted her up to her apartment, but he hadn’t come in. Just kissed her on top of the head and said goodnight.
Emily was still trying to process everything that had happened that day and how she felt about it. She was so confused.
There was a part of her that was telling her not to trust Ryan, because she couldn’t trust a man who wouldn’t settle down and he was a surgeon. It was a double whammy, but then he looked at her and spoke so kindly to her.
Robert had never spoken that way to her. And as she looked back to that disastrous relationship she was so mad at herself for thinking that it had been good when she’d been in it. It was clear to her now that it hadn’t been.
It never had been.
She was just so afraid of getting hurt again, but Ryan was so different and she knew, deep down, that he would never hurt her or the baby.
Maybe give him a chance?
The idea of giving him a chance was scary.
There was a page and she looked down to see that Ryan was paging her and that he needed her urgently down in Pathology.
Her stomach twisted, because if he was in Pathology that could only mean one thing—Raquel’s results were in.
Please, don’t be bad. Please, don’t be bad.
She logged off the computer and headed out of her office. She made her way through the halls and found Ryan just outside the pathology area. He was leaning against the wall and had his head in his hand.
“I’m here,” she said. “Is that Raquel’s report?”
He handed it to her. “Malignant. She has cancer. I’m going to send her to CT to see if it’s spread.”
Emily nodded. “That’s a good idea.”
“I was hoping you could come with me to tell them the news. She is your patient and if there are metastases in her body, we can both tackle the surgeries to get rid of them.”
“Okay.”
Ryan scrubbed a hand over his face. “Giving news about cancer is never easy, but with kids it sucks. I much prefer working on adults.”
She touched his arm. “It’s okay. Kids are resilient. More resilient than adults. We’ll tackle this together. If there are no other mets in her body, are you planning on taking out the tumor?”
He nodded. “Yes, right now it’s on the smaller side. If it gets any bigger I won’t be able to successfully resect it and leave good margins. The sooner we get this done the better.”
“Okay. Let’s go tell Raquel’s mother together. We’ll let Raquel’s mother break the news to her daughter and we’ll be there for them. That’s all we can do.”
They walked side by side up to Raquel’s room.
Raquel was sleeping and her mother, Vanessa, was sitting by her bedside, reading a book. Emily’s heart ached with the news she had to deliver to her. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes and she had to maintain her composure.
“Vanessa, can Dr. Gary and I speak with you?”
Vanessa nodded and snuck away from Raquel’s bedside.
“Let’s go into the lounge area here.” And the moment Emily suggested that she could see the blood drain from Vanessa’s face. Ryan placed his hand on Vanessa’s back gently for reassurance. Emily waited until they were all in the room and Vanessa was seated. She shut the door and that’s when Vanessa began to cry.
“It’s malignant. Isn’t it?” Vanessa asked.
Ryan took Vanessa’s hand. “It is. I’m sorry.”
Vanessa nodded and Emily handed her a tissue and took a seat next to her. Emily was trying to fight back the urge to cry. She had to get hold of her emotions.
She had better control than this.
“So, what happens now?”
“We’re going to take Raquel for a CT scan, to make sure that the cancer hasn’t spread, then we can come up with a course of treatment,” Emily said.
“Either way, I want to do surgery to resect the tumor,” Ryan added. “I want to operate before it gets too large and her seizures get worse and she loses more function.”
Vanessa nodded. “This is a lot to take in. I’m a single mom and I’m missing so much work and the cost...”
“You let me worry about that,” Ryan said. “I have pro bono funds still available. I can’t speak for SMFPC.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Emily assured her. “The most important thing is Raquel and her well-being. I’m going to have my intern, Dr. Teal, take Raquel for a CT scan stat and then Dr. Gary will be able to assess and determine the best course of action for surgery. I will have our pediatric oncology team contact you.”
Vanessa nodded and rubbed her temple. “It’s a lot to take in. Raquel is all I have in this world...”
A lump formed in Emily’s throat. She found it hard to speak. “You won’t lose her. Kids are resilient and we’re going to do everything in our power to make sure you two are together for a long time. The cancer is aggressive and as soon as we get the scan done we can stage it and go from there.”
Vanessa nodded. “Thank you, doctors. Thank you for being there that night and thank you for helping us now.”
Ryan stood when Vanessa got up and left.
“I’ll go with her and answer Raquel’s questions,” Ryan said.
“I’ll get Dr. Teal to book that CT scan.” And then Emily couldn’t help but shed a tear. She covered her mouth and tried to hold back the sobs.
“Hey,” Ryan said gently. He knelt down in front of her and place his hands on her knees in a comforting gesture. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” she sniffled. “Do you know how many kids I’ve had to operate on that had cancer? Too many, and none of them affected me like this is affecting me. It has to be the pregnancy. I usually don’t give in to the emotions when I’m overwhelmed, but that was hard. I couldn’t help it.”
“It could be hormones. This is affecting me as well, but that’s because I don’t always work with kids and I hate to see any kid have cancer. You’re strong, Emily. You see it all the time and you save lives. You’re stronger than me.”
Emily wiped her eyes. “Thank you for being so kind.”
He tipped her chin. “It’s not being kind, stating fact.”
“Go help Raquel.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
She nodded. “Yes. I’ll be fine.”
“Okay.” Ryan stood and left the room.
Emily took a deep, calming breath. She had to get it together. This was not like her at all. She was losing control and that was not acceptable to her. When she stood up she felt dizzy. Really light-headed.
It took her a few moments before she felt well enough to leave the room. She left the small
lounge and paged Dr. Teal. She took a seat the nurses’ station and waited for Dr. Teal to arrive, which she did a few minutes later.
“You paged, Dr. West?” Amanda asked.
“I need you to take the patient in 607 down for a CT scan stat. Her biopsy can back positive for cancer.”
Amanda’s face fell. “Of course, Dr. West.”
When Dr. Teal left, Emily stood up too quickly and again felt the room spinning.
“Dr. West?” she heard someone say, only she couldn’t respond as a strange sensation washed over her and she felt her knees give out before the world went black.
* * *
“So I’m going to lose my hair, then?” Raquel asked him.
“Chemo and radiation does do that. There’s no getting around that, but before the chemo does that I’ll have to shave part of your head anyway to get at the tumor.”
Raquel sighed and glanced at her mom. “Well, I guess that’s okay.”
Ryan sat down next to Raquel. “I can see that it’s not okay. So, because I have to shave your head, you get to shave mine.”
“Dr. Gary, that’s not necessary,” Vanessa said.
Raquel’s eyes lit up. “Really? Can I shave it in a strange pattern?”
“No. I do draw the line at racing stripes or some weird cartoon. You can give me a buzz cut, like they do in the army.”
Raquel nodded. “Okay, Dr. Gary. That’s a deal!”
Ryan smiled. “I thought that might cheer you up.”
There was a knock at the door and Dr. Teal was there. “Dr. Gary, we’re here to take Raquel down to CT.”
Ryan nodded and stood up. “I’ll see you later. Dr. Teal, as soon as the images are up I want to be paged.”
“Yes, of course, Dr. Gary.”
He left the room. Dr. Teal could handle taking Raquel down for a CT scan. He was hoping that the malignancy hadn’t spread. Usually in adults primary brain tumors were rare, they usually came from another adenocarcinoma like lung cancer, but in kids it was common to have a primary brain tumor.
So he was hoping that’s all Raquel had.
Something that he could resect out and she’d have minimal chemo and radiation along with immunotherapy, and she’d be on her way to recovery.